Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    a couple of suggestions ...
    
    	1) date night - set aside one night a week ( not the weekend )
    	   where you both are together ( no tv, phone, chores, or mail )
    
    	2) he sounds athletic - take up one of his sports - or suggest
    	   you both start a new sport together
    
    	3) discuss mutual comitment and responsibility regarding the house
    	   and your relationship
    
    	4) work everything out before you get married - event if that means
    	   canceling arrangements etc. - believe me the cost of undoing
    	   things is much more than a few hundred/thousand lost on any
    	   wedding arrangements ...
    
    	my 2 cents - from someone who has been " around the block before"
    
    	jgk
    

    The pattern of independence you describe sounds like what a lot of
    marriages evolve too, esp. in the absence of children. You're getting a
    look early.
    
    One course of action is to start participating in some of his
    activities. My sister became a golfer so she could spend time with her
    husband, and now she loves the game. My wife and I play tennis
    together. My game would probably benefit from playing more with better
    players, but one of my goals is to have ways to spend time with my
    wife. Try it; if he's not receptive, then perhaps your feet will be
    chillier.
    
    Re not picking up after himself: My daughters leave their stuff all
    over the house, and my solution is to dump the debris in their rooms.
    If they elect to mess up the house, I transfer the mess to the place
    they care about. Does your fiance have a room like that? When the
    magazines and dirty dishes and socks start piling up in HIS space,
    he'll suddenly get the point.

    Hi!
    
    You should take interest in some of his sporting activities like
    playing tennis etc.  That will not only make him happy but will give
    you a new interest and some quality time together too. Personally I
    think it is a great sport and lots of fun and good excersize!!  
    
    Good Luck!
    

    Or develop your own personal interest.
    
    Eugene

    Dear Basenoter,
    
    The description of your dilemma is clear. It seems you both need
    to sit down and talk about the "expectations" you both
    have of your relationship and more importantly, your forthcoming
    marriage. 
    
    Like yourself, I(male) am divorced but just recently remarried.
    My wife and I took great pains to explore our expectations about
    our live-in relationship and future marriage BEFORE we enetered
    into each phase.  
    
    The talks covered the subject of "why" we want to live together
    as well as why we wanted to marry. Many other topics evolved.
    For example, sex and money proved to be an interesting subject.
    Ninety percent of marital breakups are caused by problems in either
    of these two areas. Household responsibilities, family relationships,
    children, retirement, happiness, conflict resolution, behaviour
    during conflict(to yell or not to yell!), communications styles
    etc were discussed. 
    
    But most intensely discussed was what we each wanted from each other
    and the relationship/marriage. Did we want to be a purpose or part
    of each others lives? Could we be vulnerable with each other and
    love each other without conditions? Could we find peace and comfort
    in each other and not compare each others character traits to
    previous "circumstances". Could we accept each other at face value
    without attempting to manipulate or try to change the other for
    selfish reasons? Could we accept the responsibilities of marriage,
    including the devotion needed to promote the strength of the
    relationship to ensure success even in times of strife! And lastly,
    could we maintain our independence/identity without threatening the
    the others security?
    
    We found out that in most cases, our visions were identical. In
    many other cases, we shared similar ideas which possessed flexibility
    and room for negotiations especially relating to time spent with
    or without each other. And on occasion, we had vastly different
    viewpoints which we shared and determined if alternatives or non-
    negotiables existed. If so, at least we knew about them and respected
    each others feelings in advance. We tried and succeeded in eliminating
    as many surprises as possible. 
    
    When we finally finished laying out the "expectations", we realized
    we had many commonalities which complimented us. We determined we
    possessed desire to be successful and we would not loose site of
    our mission.  
    
    I hope both of you take the time and effort to do so as well. Its
    better to explore the "expectations" now than to suffer through
    a lifetime of disappointments and false assumptions. 
    
    Remember, milk and honey mix better than water and oil.........!
    
    
    Best Wishes and Good Luck!
    
    B.

    re:1178.4
    
    Another good idea, develop something that YOU are interested in.  There
    is a lot of volunteer work out there to get involved in, like joining a
    public access tv group or a theatre group (which I did).  It is fun and
    you will make a lot of new friends, it will also distract you from
    thinking about your future hubby when he is out doing his "thing".

Thanks for all your replies and for writing to me off line.  I talked
to my fiance about how I felt.  He said he understood, but I think
inside he is worried I am trying to repress his social life.  And that
is the furthest thing from the truth.  I want him to go out, and spend
time with his friends, do the things he enjoys.  Alot of you suggested
getting involved in his activities, I do and I really enjoy them.

I guess my biggest fear is being taken advantage of.  He has friends
who's wives don't allow their husbands to breathe and I think that
is horrible.  But I wonder why the wives do it.  I think to myself,
if I never question how much time he spends away will he drift 
apart from me.  Course then if he does there wasn't much there
to begin with right.  We have excellent communication and he tries
so hard to see my side and the same with me.  I guess the failed
marriage before worries the heck out of me.  He came home at around
1:00 on the 4th.  A friend of mine had stopped by, and I mowed the
lawn, so my fiance wouldn't have to do it when he came home, and then
we could spend the pm together.  Well his brothers came in and stayed
until around 3:00, so needless to say the afternoon was shot.  
It turned out fine though, cause we spent the rest of the weekend
together doing stuff.  

I feel like the older I get the less time I spend with my friends, they
are all getting married, with kids, and don't have much spare time to
just goof around any more.  So I realize that this is a big part of 
my feeling lonely.  I have a ton of outside interests, school, sewing,
golfing...etc.  But I miss my best friend (fiance) when we are not
together.  Something I have to work i guess.  He is a wonderful person,
very caring and loving.  And I don't want to ever suffocate him.  So
I am going to try to let it go, and see what happens.  This to be
honest is the biggest problem I think we have, and in the whole
scheme of things, its not so bad.

thanks again for all the advice and thoughts.  Just being able to write
and have someone listen helped alot.