Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    There are some people who feel that a relationship should be monogamous
    if there is a commitment.
    
    There are others who feel that anyone is fair game unless there's
    a ring involved.
    
    Being of the former group, I can understand the annoyance in .0.
    If you're angry, though, you'll have to ask yourself how secure you
    feel in your relationship.  If you're secure, you really don't have to
    worry about it; guys will hit on your lady and she'll tell them to
    go away.  You could say to yourself that you got such a wonderful
    girlfriend that others want to date her but she picked you over them.
    
    B.

    She's going to have to tell him about it sooner or later.
    
    She appears to be dodging the problem and it won't reslove anything...
    
    All that's really required is for her to answer the phone when the guy 
    calls, tell him she's invovled with someone else and doesn't want to 
    jeporidize the relationship.  He'll get the idea.
    
    Skip

    It sounds as though this lady is insecure, otherwise, why would she
    mention these episodes to you?  Maybe she's making them up so that
    she can see if you're jealous or feel threatened -- thereby proving
    something to herself.  I wouldn't worry about it -- if she loves you,
    she'll take care of it herself.  Don't let your relationship get
    caught-up in the muck and mire of doubt.
    
    Best,
    RK
    

    
    
    
    If she hasn't talked with the guy, how does she know WHY he is calling?
    
    Maybe they had a mutual friend that died, or maybe he found something
    of hers that she might want, or maybe he wanted to call to get some
    sort of info from her.....
    
    Aren't you jumping the gun a little here?
    
    Seems this isn't about the guy calling at all, but rather about
    insecurities (on your part and her part).   If you're in a
    relationship, are you sure about where you stand with each other? 
    Should anything like this really even MATTER?
    
    kath

    I would not worry about this person, what you can do is have the phone
    number change to "unlisted" and that would eliminate the calls.  If she
    does care about you, she will handle the situation in her own way. Hang
    in there!
    
    
    Lynne

        Tell her to get an answering machine, she can screen her calls and
        find out what this guy is after. If she fails to return or answer
        his calls, he may figure it out on his own...(which quite possibly
        is what she's hoping for...she's dealing with it by _not_ dealing
        with it).
    
        Insecurity has nothing to do with not wanting to talk to someone
        with whom you've had a relationship. It may just be that she's not
        capable of telling this guy to leave her alone. Out of the many
        possible reasons for her not replying, one is that she may afraid
        of hurting the guy.
    
        Finally, _Don't_ get angry because men approach, proposition or
        otherwise address your friend in other than a platonic manor.
        It's wasted energy. If she truly cares for/about you, you have
        nothing to worry about. In fact, that should be kind of flattering
        for the two of you. She's attractive enough to draw that kind of
        attention and you're fortunate enough to have her heart.
    
        If she leaves you for someone who would say something like,
        "Oh those things never work out", well then, _they_ were meant for
        each other. The homewrecker setting himself up for a bond that
        will be broken by the next guy with a shallow line.
    
        Good luck!
    
        Tim

	Re: .0


   >What should I do? I'm annoyed, but I feel she has to tell him
   >about me, AND about herself. 

   >Part of the reason I'm annoyed is because two or three weeks
   >ago or so, she was asked out by a man, and when she said she
   >has a boyfriend, he said: "Oh, those things don't last, 
   >and I'll be here for you when it passes." 

	I expect that that Ann Landers/Miss Manners response to this
	would be to say that a woman with dignity would be careful
	to *not* explain her unavailability to any man who she is not
	currently involved with. Any presumption that she is obliged to
	explain, would best be treated as unacceptable rudeness and the
	offender quickly dismissed.

	Ed

    I can understand why she wouldn't want to talk to him, but on the other
    hand, I would answer the phone and tell the guy to take a hike....if 
    that's what I really wanted him to do.
    
    I would like to offer one suggestion to you in regards to other guys
    asking you lady out.  I went through that with my STB "X" husband.  He
    showed his jealousy and it really irritated me to no end.  I felt as
    though he was questioning MY faithfulness. (This, btw, was before we
    got married)  If your lady is attractive, then she's going to attract
    other men.  If you can't handle that, then you may as well give up.
    
    FWIW,
    
    Lynne
    

    
    I agree with you, I think she should talk to him, tell him she
    is involved with someone and that it hurts you for him to call.
    
    I had a similar situation and it was not pleasant. It hurt me a great
    deal because the X had absolutely no respect for me or my feelings.
    She kept calling and writing and it was very annoying. She knew he was
    involved with me but kept it up, even when I was there and answered the
    phone. It made me furious to a point that I felt like saying something
    but figured that was up to my mate and that he had to also respect my
    feelings about her. I must say that he initiated some of it, but it was 
    frustrating and it did hurt and I let that be known.
    
    Why should you be in the middle, feeling frustrated? That's not fair to
    your feelings.
    
    I think your girlfriend needs to find out why he is calling. It may be
    something really silly. Then she should tell him that his calling her
    affects you and her current relationship.
    
    Why go through buying answering machines and changing phone numbers?
    That is an added expense that can simply cleared up by saying,
    "Please don't call."
    
    Mary
    

    I hate games...
    
    Why not talk to the person who calls and tell him to stop the crap?
    
    A person should be able to go out or to date any person he/she wants,
    then, should behave with decency and not give false impressions, if
    there is a romantic feeling... great! the past is that, PAST and he/she
    owes nothing to the former person. If he/she loves the current
    sweetheart that is fine and should, as soon as possible, let the former
    person know that there is no chance.
    But on the other hand if there is a feeling of hanging on to both... it
    is not right, that's for sure, a good conversation, honest and down to
    earth with each other, to clarify the feelings is what is needed, and
    then, continue from there.
    
    Lots of luck.
    

    
    .9 - Mary, you could be me!
    
    Before we were married my husband's ex-fiancee was on the phone
    constantly - they had split up about a year before and once he'd found
    happiness with someone else she decided she wanted him back.  She asked
    him if he loved me - he said "yes" and she still kept calling! 
    Sometimes for silly little things, like to tell him that her sister had
    passed her driving test (it still annoyed me), other times she would
    ask him out, and, when he refused, say things like "Won't she ever let
    you off your lead then?"
    
    Although he never encouraged her or anything my husband never actually
    told her not to call.  He explained this as being because he was afraid
    that if he did she would start on me ... spreading rumours amongst
    mutual friends etc (apparently she was a ver vindictive type, makes me
    wonder what he ever saw in her! :-))  Anyway, she eventually gave up
    when we got engaged and I moved in with him - it seems she finally got
    the message.  But not before, as her parting shot, she sent round *to
    our house* a carrier bag full of photos of the two of them together,
    cards he'd sent her during their relationship etc.  Although he threw
    them all straight out it still really hurt me, which was obviously what
    she'd wanted.
    
    I love my husband very much but I do wish that he'd been a little
    stronger on this issue!  Still, it's all in the past now.  However, I
    would urge your girlfriend to tell this other bloke what the situation
    is and refuse to take any further calls if he persists.
    
    Good luck!
    
    Sam
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    

    
    The point is that SHE must have the nerve to tell him she is involved
    with him and she should tell him how she feels about you. To say
    "I'm dating someone", when it may be more than that, is not the way to
    approach it because it makes it sound like it is casual and won't
    last. 
    
    If you feel it will and it's important to you, then state your feelings
    and have her tell him if she talks to him. Avoiding the situation is
    not going to help and will only cause more stress in your relationship.
    
    I don't understand why people think they owe something to someone they
    are not involved with, even when it is affecting a possible future of
    happiness.
    
    If you say you love someone, and a past person trys to reenter, then I
    feel you should tell them you love someone else and that you are happy
    and that it's affecting your relationship. If you can't admit your
    feelings to that person, then you need to reexamine your relationship
    as a whole, because you maybe kidding yourself and your new mate about
    your love.
    
    RE:. 11  You husband did the right thing by throwing out everything
             from her. It was over and in the past, and it hurts to have
             the past preserved like that.
    
    M