Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    Kate...
    I'm SO glad you started this subject!
    I've been wondering how to kick it off for some time....
    
    The briefest definition I've come across was....
    "If you drowned, and *someone else's* life flashed before your eyes,
     then you're codependant"
    
    Also, with reference to sexual addiction/co-dependancy:-
    "The sexual addict mistakes sex for God.
     The sexual co-dependant mistakes their sexual partner for God"
    
    As I understand it, co-dependancy is a whole way of life whereby
    the CoD (short for Co-dependant) persistantly puts the needs of
    another person above their own to the point where they no longer
    recognise their own needs and their life becomes out of control.
    It can be a very pervasive and very painful way of living...
    
    The object of the CoD most often has a "problem" of their own
    that the CoD colludes with and supports - most often drug abuse
    or alcoholism, or it could be a less recognised syndrome such as
    being a sexual or emotional "user", emotionally unavailable....
    
    Co-dependant - someone who persists in putting themselves into
    relationships that betray, hurt and block out their Higher Self.
    
    'gail                                                          

    There are many good books on codependency and codependent behavior:
    
    Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie is one of the best.
    
    Women Who Love Too Much also describes codependent behavior.
    
    					andrew
    

I feel moved to respond to part of your question:

>Also, how should a person describe codependancy to someone who has never been
>through it and doesn't really understand?

I've been reading the book "The Dance of Intimacy", suggested elsewhere
in this conference.

The book has quite a few examples from real people's lives that go something
like this:

	I was really getting fed up with my spouse's unwillingness to
	get help for themself.  I finally decided that I would consult
	a counselor myself and find out what I might do to help my spouse...

The counselor responds something like this:

	Well, as your spouse isn't here, let's start by talking about YOU.

And slowly and gradually, the discussions between the counselor and the
willing-partner-complaining-about-unwilling-partner reveal that the willing
partner has all sorts of issues that are contributing to the situation
being complained about.

What I'm trying to say, is that sometimes when it looks like YOU are
willing to work on things, and it looks like THEY are unwilling, there still
is probably alot you can do about learning more about yourself, and it isn't
just THEM that needs to work on stuff.

/Eric

Kate,

I had taken a book out of the library recently but don't remember the name 
of it. I have seen it in several bookstores. There is also a companion
workbook that goes with it. Look in any bookstore in the psychology section.

In addition there are co-dependency support groups starting every day. Your 
local AA might be able to give you information on these groups. 

Regards,

Linda 

    
    Re .3
    
    Yes - I agree with you.
    I remember being in just that position at college - walking over to
    the counsellor to try and find some help for my boyfriend (who was
    going crazy over his finals) and suddenly realising on the way
    that *I* was close to cracking myself.....
    
    I reckon that there is a *lot* of co-dependant behaviour around -
    is there a CoD conference? Should there be?
    'gail

    Re-1 CoD conference...
    
    I believe there is one for ACOA... which is twined into Co-Dep behavior
    since it tends to be a strong behavioral trait of ACOA's.  I can't be
    certain but can find out.
    
    Skip

    There is an ACOA conference; you need to contact TPWEST::JOVAN for 
    membership.
    
    I would like to point out that CodA (Co-dependents Anonymous) meetings
    do exist.  They are not, however, affiliated with A.A. or AlAnon or
    ACOA.  Each of these groups is autonomous and unaffiliated.  While most
    of this type of support groups use a 12-step recovery program, as
    modified from A.A. for their own use, A.A. is not the parent
    organization (or anything like it).
    
    Now back to the regularly scheduled discussion.
    
    E Grace 

    Kate,
    
    I have a list of ACOA meetings, not a complete one, but as mentioned
    earlier - ACOA's and CoD's have alot in common.  The list that I have
    is for MA - if you're interested in the where's and when's - send me
    E-Mail....CSLALL::DOUGHERTY.
    
    Lynne
    

                            CO-DEPENDENTS ANONYMOUS


     Co-Dependents Anonymous Inc. is a fellowship of men and women whose common
problem is an inability to maintain functional relationships. We share with one
another in the hope of solving our common problems and helping each other to
recover. The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and
fulfilling relationships with others and ourselves. 

     CoDA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization or
other Twelve Step Program; does not wish to engage in any controversy; neither
endorses nor opposes any causes. We rely upon the wisdom and knowledge of the
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, as adopted for our purposes from Alcoholics
Anonymous, as the principals of our program and as the guides to living healthy
lives. 

     Co-Dependency is born out of dysfunctional family systems of varying
degrees, within which addictions may or may not exist. We have each experienced
in our own ways the painful trauma of the emptiness of our childhood and
relationships throughout our lives. We attempted to use others, our mates, and
even our children as our sole source of identity, value and well-being and as a
way of trying to restore within us the emotional losses from our childhood. 

     We have all learned to survive life, but in CoDA, we are learning to live
life. Through applying the Twelve Steps and Principals found in CoDA to our
daily lives and relationships, both present and past, we can experience a new
freedom from our self-defeating lifestyles. 

     We are self-supporting through our own contributions, which are entirely
voluntary, and we ask that you give only as you can. Donations are used for
meeting expenses, literature and general CoDA\bold expenses. We will pass a
basket near the end of the meeting. 

     CoDA is an anonymous program. We ask that you respect the anonymity and
confidentiality of each person in this meeting. We ask that: "What you see
here, what is said here, when you leave here, let it stay here". Our sharing
helps us and others, through identification, to free the emotional bonds of our
past and let go of the problematic behavior in our present. It is an individual
growth process. Each of us is growing at our own pace and will continue to do
so as we remain receptive to our own personal spirituality. 

     No matter how traumatic your past or despairing your present may seem,
there is hope for a new and better day in the program of Co-Dependents
Anonymous. 

                         TYPICAL CHARACTERISTICS


We feel responsible for other's feelings and/or behaviors.

We have difficulty in identifying and expressing feelings.

We tend to fear and/or worry how others may respond to our feelings.

We have difficulty in forming and/or maintaining close relationships.

We fear rejection and abandonment.

We are perfectionists and place too many expectations on ourselves and others.

We have difficulty making decisions.

We deny our real feelings.

We tend to put other people's wants and needs first.

Our serenity and what we say and do is determined by other people's feelings,
actions, and attitudes; rather than out own. We fear anger. 

We question or ignore our own values to connect with significant others.

We value other's opinions more than our own.

Our self-esteem is bolstered by outer/other influences. We can not acknowledge
good things about ourselves. 

We tend to judge everything we do, think, or say harshly, by someone else's
standards. Nothing is done, said or thought "good enough".

We do not know or believe that being vulnerable and asking for help is
both healthy and normal.

We do not know that it is okay to talk about problems outside the family,
that feelings are normal and that we don't have to act on them other than to
share them.

We are steadfastly loyal - even when the loyalty is unjustified and often
personally harmful.

We have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.



   I have a fair amount of information about CoDA including meeting lists,
book lists, Helpful bits of information, definitions etc. (The one about
drowning and seeing someone elses life flash before your eyes is from Terry
Kellogg). I did post a copy of a booklist in this notes file several months
ago that that listed quite a few books on Co-dependancy and related topics.
I haven't been in this notes file for quite a while - maybe someone else knows
where it is (or how to search of it) and reply with a pointer to the note?

   I could post more CoDA information in this note if there is an interest.
I'll be out until the first of the year so if I forget to get back to this
conference and you want more info, send Mail.

   Rick (a very infrequent reader of notes)

Thanks for sharing that.  I was surprised about your definition, which I
repeat FROM MEMORY in my own words:

	Coda is comprised of people who have been unsuccessful in maintaining
	healthy relationships.

What surprised me was that I always had a different definition of "codependent"
which you suggest may have been wrong.  My definition was:

	Codependent people are those that "cling" to other people, that "have"
	to have so-and-so around or they get depressed; codependent people
	are those that fall so deeply "in love" that they are obsessed with
	the other person for way too long, even if the relationship has
	ended a long time ago.

I start to see now that the above is the wrong definition.  I personally have
had a hard time staying in relationships, not because I cling and get obsessed,
but because when the other person starts getting closer to me, I start pulling
away, and looking for other people, and even losing my attraction to my
partner.  (Actually, I've been in a relationship for a few months, and I've
been attending Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meetings, which is another
12-step program, and through those meetings I've been having some more
success keeping this relationship healthy)

What I start to see from you description of Codependents Anonymous, is that
for some of us, such as perhaps me, CodA might be a good place to
attend meetings, rather than SLAA, or perhaps in addition to SLAA.

By the way, quite a few people have gotten control of their drinking in AA,
only to discover they had deeper problems about sex or relationships, that
the drinking was covering up, and they continue their recovery in SLAA.

Who knows, for some of us, maybe CodA would be even more beneficial than
SLAA.  I may look into it.

Can someone possibly post some meeting schedules ?  I might be able to do
the same for SLAA if people want (for New England).  Or if the fellowships
don't want their meeting schedules posted, maybe we can at least post
the phone and address of fellowship centers.

Have a good holiday time !

/Eric

I am Co Dependant and hav been in recovery for several years. I am glad to see
this discussion started. I think that there are several people out there that 
are searching for answers have have been unsuccessful in finding them. For me 
the best place other than therapy was CODA. I think a description of what the 
group is and what one should expect is important. Many Co Dependant people are
very shy and it is hard to deal with letting others see you admit anything less
than perfect behavior or abilities. I have not found a group since I have moved
tothe east coast, but a letter written to CODA in Arizona (Maybe someone can
provide the address) will produce a directory of the local chapters. 

When you go to a CODA meeting you are not required to discuss anything unless 
you feel the need to. Also no one will make comments on what you say or try to
help you unless you seek the help on an indivudial basis from the other member
after the meeting ends. Many of the groups that I was invloved in met as a local
cafe after the meeting. The meeting is structured in such a way that this is all
carefully handled. There is a discussion group segment and if you are inclined
you are encouraged to give an uplifting account of an experience that you may
have had about your "recovery" or just venting a little. Many people break right
down and cry. Again no one will respond directly to you. It is supposed to be a
place where you can go to be conforted and encouraged. Some place where you can
learn about your Co-Dependancy and release your fears. Someplace where you will
realize that there are other seemingly normal people that have just as serious
problem in thier lives as you do. In the meeting you will go through the texts
that are available on Co-Dependancy as a group. The book is pass around and read
out of aloud as a group. You are not required to read aloud if you do not wish
to. 

Check it out. I think you will find it a place that will allow you to heal and
show you what you must do to become a whole person. I am glad that I started to 
attend. It helped a lot. Some of the other groups are good to attend if you have
drug or related problems or are children of addicts, but no where will you get
real Co-Dependancy help. Attendance is free. A collection of whatever you feel
like giving is taken, but no one will judge you if you are not able to afford to
give. We all need the help and should never be turned away because times are bad
for us. Many of the groups have group activites also. I have enjoyed them all. 

I heartily recommend it to everyone. You owe it to yourself and your children if
you have them to go and get help. 

Brett Berg - Co-Dependant

    The following list is crossposted, with permission, from ACOA, one of
    the members-only self-help conferences.  It is a meeting list for
    eastern Massachusetts and southern New Hampshire, USA.  Perhaps you'll
    find it useful.
    
    					andrew
    
    If you are interested in joining the ACOA conference, you can contact
    me; I can help with the process.  
    
    
        -< ACA Wellness Conference - Classified 'Digital Confidential' >-
================================================================================
Note 67.85                   CO-DEPENDENTS ANONYMOUS                    85 of 85
______::_____ "Loving who I am, not what I do"      227 lines  26-SEP-1990 08:23
                         -< Updated CODA meeting list >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Here it is folks, as promised ages ago, an updated CODA meeting list.
    This was taken from a list date June 26, 1990, so it isn't current, but
    it's got a lot more meetings than the last list in here. If anyone
    knows of others, or finds any errors, please update the list. Thanks.
    
    Love and hugs,

    
    
Code	Meaning
------------------------------------------------------------------------
O	Open to all
C	Closed, meeting generally attended only by the population 
	designated. A closed group can be open to any co-dependent in an
	emergency and when no other meeting is available.
T	CODA-Teen meeting, closed to adults
S	12 Step/12 Traditions
S/D	Step meetings once a month or alternating weeks with discussion
	meetings.
D     	Discussion meetings usually with a speaker

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Day	Time	Code	Town		Address, Contact & Notes
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sun	5:00pm	OD	Acton MA	Boundaries, 518 Great Road
					Contact: Michael B. (508)448-2779

	7:00pm	OD	Amherst NH	Weatherly Bldg, Liberty Park, RT 101

	6:30pm	OD	Barnstable MA	Cape Code Center, Holistic Hlth,  
					275 Mill Way

	6:30pm	OD	Beverly MA	Apple Village Day Room, Bld. 501,
					Rte 128 Exit 21 (behind King Grant Inn)
					Contact: Betty (508) 921-0598

	7:00pm	OD	Boston MA	One Longfellow Pl., Conference Room
					Contact: Betty (508) 921-0598

	7:00pm	CD	Chelmsford MA	Unitarian-Universalist Church,
					Chelmsford Ctr, LESBIAN
					Contact: Diana (508) 454-5862

	7:00pm	OD	Framingham MA	St. Andrew's Church, Corner of Union
					and Maple Streets
					Contact: George S. (508) 435-5277

	7:00pm	OS/D	Northhampton MA	1st Church of Christ, 129 Main Street

	8:30am		Orleans MA	Pause-a-while, 14 Cove Road
					Contact: Kathy D. (508) 240-2823

	7:000pm	OD	Reading Ctr MA	Congregational Church, Woburn St.
					Contact: Sandy V. (617) 272-7554

	3:30pm	OS	West Tisbury MA	West Tisbury Congregational Church

	8:00pm	OD	Weymouth MA	Holy Nativity Church, Nevin Road
					Contact: Jeff G. (617) 337-3110

Mon	8:00pm	CD	Amherst NH	Weatherly Bldg, Liberty Park, RT 101
					PROFESSIONALS
					Contact: Lally F. (603) 672-0111

	6:30pm	OD	Cambridge MA	Harvard Divinity School, 45 Frances 
					St., Pfeiffer Room (enter Frances St,
					turn left through two sets of double
					doors, room is on left).
					Contact: Michael B. (617) 463-3464w
							    (617) 536-8675h

	7:30pm	OD	Concord MA	A:HR Associates for Human Resources,
					2nd floor, 191 Sudbury Road (in front
					of Stop & Shop).
					Contact: Tom A. (508) 264-0826h
							(508) 467-4071w

	8:00pm	OD	Malden MA	Club 24, Salem Street, Rt 60 
					(Maplewood Sq)
					Contact: Joan (617) 391-9796

	7:30pm	OD	Shrewsbury MA	St. Anne's Parish Hall, 130 Boston Tpke

Tue	6:30pm	CD	Boston MA	Lindeman Ctr, Winthrop Room, Staniford
					St, MEN ONLY
					Contact: Paul (617) 397-9298
						
	8:00pm	CD	Cambridge MA	Episcopal Divinity School, 99 Brattle
					St., Washington Cafeteria, WOMAN ONLY
					Contact: Rachel F. (617) 969-7267

	Noon	CS	Concord MA	A:HR Associates for Human Resources,
					2nd floor, 191 Sudbury Road (in front
					of Stop & Shop). THERAPISTS ONLY.
					Contact: Jack M. (508) 369-7810 or
							 (617) 259-9624

	7:30pm	OS	Concord MA	Trinity Episcopal Church, 81 Elm St.,
					(corner of Elm and River Sts)
					Contact: Alyce A. (508) 537-8046

	7:30pm	OD	Jamaica Plain MA Farnsworth House, 90 South St.
					Contact: Kathleen K. (617) 524-0051

	7:00pm	OD	Nashua NH	Brookside Partial Hospital Blg.
					Celina Ave.
					Contact: Dale S. (603) 891-0946

	7:30pm	C	Northhampton MA	Smith College, Seelye Hall, 2nd floor
					WOMEN ONLY

	7:30pm	OD	Saugus MA	Cliftondale Methodist Church, 
					Cliftondale Square
					Contact: Sonny C. (617) 286-4962

Wed	7:30pm	OD	Boston MA	Lindeman Center, Staniford St, 
					Winthrop Room, GAYS AND LESBIANS
					Contact: Allen G. (617) 246-4241

	6:30pm	OD	Cambridge MA	Harvard Divinity School, 45 Francis
					St., Room: Andover B
					Contact: David (617) 451-4230w
						       (617) 868-2709h

	8:00pm	OD	Cohasset MA	Beechwood Church of Christ, Doane St

Wed	7:30pm	OD	Concord MA	A:HR Associates for Human Resources,
					2nd floor, 191 Sudbury Road (in front
					of Stop & Shop). NEWCOMERS INFO MTG
					9:00 TO 9:15PM
					Contact: Rick S. (508) 474-6587W
							 (508) 263-1045H

	7:30pm	OD/S	E. Providence RI St. Mark's Episcopal Church, 
					10 Turner Ave.
					Contact: Mary Lou (401) 433-3559

	7:00pm	OD	Edgartown MA	The Anchors, Dock Street

	7:30pm	OD	Haverhill MA	YWCA, 107 Winter Street

	7:30pm	OD	Leominster MA	St. Mark's House, 2nd floor, 62 West St
					Contact: Dick M. (508) 534-5468

Thur	7:30pm	OD	Arlington MA	Youth Consultation Ctr, 12 Prescott St
					Contact: Bari O. (617) 648-2212 or
						 Genevieve (617) 391-3440 or
						 Shelly (617) 623-2157

	7:30pm	OD	Atkinson NH	Atkinson Congregational Church,
					Rte 121, Main St.

	7:30pm	OD	Cambridge MA	MIT, Landau Building (building 66),
					Ames Street, Room 144 (1st floor)

	7:00pm	OD	Concord MA	Trinity Episcopal Church, 81 Elm St.,
					(corner of Elm and River Sts)
					VIDEO TAPES AND DISCUSSION
					Contact: George A. (508) 655-7278

	7:00pm	OD	Derry NH	Westside Community Ctr, Rte 102

	7:30pm	OS	Framingham MA	St Andrews Church, Maple and Union Sts
					Contact: Rob A. (508) 655-7278

	6:30pm	OS/D	Jamaica Plain MA Farnsworth House, 90 South St.
					Contact: Genevieve (617) 776-4926

	7:30pm	OD	Litchfield CT	The Country Place, E. Litchfield Rd
					Contact: Allan (203) 868-2587

	7:00pm	OD	Marshfield MA	Marshfield Methodist Church, Rt 139
					Contact: Carolyn D. (617) 834-4427

	12:30pm	OS	Mashpee MA	Christ the King Parish Hall, Rm D
					Contact: Robyn (508) 428-3447

	6:30pm	OD	Martha's Vineyard MA
					Martha's Vyd Hosp, Doctor's Library

	7:30pm	OS/D	Pocasset MA	First Baptist Church, 289 Barlows
					Lndg. Road
					Contact: Janet G. (508) 563-3872

Fri	Noon	OS	Cambridge MA	Harvard Divinity School, 45 Francis 
					St, Room: Andover B
					Contact: Holly B. (617) 354-7120

	
	Noon	CS	Concord MA	A:HR Associates for Human Resources,
					2nd floor, 191 Sudbury Road (in front
					of Stop & Shop). THERAPISTS ONLY.
					Contact: Jack M. (508) 369-7810 or
							 (617) 259-9624

	7:00pm	OD	Concord MA	A:HR Associates for Human Resources,
					2nd floor, 191 Sudbury Road (in front
					of Stop & Shop).
					Contact: Ken S. (508) 568-8886

	7:00pm 	C	Greenfield MA	St. Paul's Lutheran Church, Long Ave.,
					WOMEN ONLY

	7:00pm	OD	Lynn MA		Broadway Methodist Church, 374 Broadway
					Contact: Sue M. (617) 598-5872

	7:30pm	OS/D	Mashpee MA	Madaket Place, Building C-17, 
					BEGINNERS MEETING at 6:30pm

	7:00pm	OD	Maynard MA	United Methodist Church of Maynard,
					Main Street
					Contact: M.J. O. (508) 263-1801
					NOTE: This meeting stopped for the
					summer, and hasn't restarted yet.

	7:00pm	OD	Orleans MA	Pause-a-while, 14 Cove Road
					Contact: Sally P. (508) 896-9434

Sat	8:00pm	CD	Boston MA	Mass General Hosp Amphitheater, 
					MEN ONLY
					Contact: Paul (617) 397-9298

	2:00pm	CD	Brookline MA	St. Mary's School Cafeteria
					WOMEN RELATING TO MEN, STARTS JUNE 2
					Contact: Rachel (617) 969-7267

	8:30am	OD	Marblehead MA	St. Michaels Church, Pleasant Street

RE: 1122.12. Thanks for posting the list Andrew. One minor update, I am the
contact person for the Wed night CoDA meeting in Concord - my work phone
number has been changed to 689-1053 (DTN 289-1053)

RE: 1122.11. I also share many of the same views as Brett. I have been involved
with CoDA for 1-1/2 years and have found the meetings VERY helpful and people
VERY supportive. Thanks for the input Brett.

RE: 1122.10. Eric, I have heard/read quite a few definitions for codependence -
I honestly don't know if there is an "official" definition or not. The one that
I like the best (included in the notes that follow) is:

      Co-dependency is an obsessive preoccupation with the thoughts, wants
      and needs of another person, to the detriment of oneself.

   which is just a more generic phrasing of your own definition.

   I also relate to your 'pulling away' if things get too close - something
which is VERY common in relationships. Often it is referred to as the dance
of intimacy.

   Very often people will become 'perfectly co-dependent' early in a
relationship when they enter the 'in love' stage - you bond to each other and
become fused. And when you fuse you become con-fused, emeshed - you don't know
where you end and someone else begins. It feels wonderful when you're in it,
but it is about as co-dependent as you can get. Healthy relationships start
off very casual and tend to develop slowly over time. Healthy relationships
tend to be more 'boring' than co-dependent ones. It has been suggested that if
you want a healthy relationship, start by looking for a boring person. If
you are at a party and look across the room at a person and your eyes meet
theirs and you feel a mutual pant, pant, heavy breathing, type of response
.... don't talk to them! Hopefully the co-dependency alarms will be going off
full blast and you will pay attention to that. It can save you from walking
down lover's lane and ending up in the swamp.

I've merged a couple of files I have on CoDA into this one reply. First is a
copy of some official CoDA literature, followed by a typical CoDA meeting format
and, finally, assorted notes and quotes which you may find helpful.

    Rick
================================================================================

                  WHAT IS CODEPENDENCE?   (from CoDA literature)

   These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in
self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers as they begin
to understand codependence and may aid those who have been in recovery a
while in determining what traits still need attention and transformation.

DENIAL PATTERNS:

* I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.

* I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.

* I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being
  of others.

LOW SELF-ESTEEM PATTERNS

* I have difficulty making decisions.

* I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough".

* I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.

* I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.

* I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behaviors over my own.

* I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

COMPLIANCE PATTERNS

* I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection of others' anger.

* I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.

* I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

* I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am often afraid to
  express differing opinions and feelings of my own.

* I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.

* I accept sex when I want love.

CONTROL PATTERNS

* I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

* I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they
  "truly" feel.

* I become resentful when others will not let me help them.

* I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.

* I lavish gifts and favors on those I care bout.

* I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

* I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

================================================================================

To obtain information on meetings in your area (including international), You
may write/call CoDA at:

     Co-Dependents Anonymous Inc
     P.O. Box 33577
     Phoenix, Arizona 85067-3577
     Tel: (602) 277-7991

================================================================================

                             CoDA MEETING FORMAT

( This is a copy of what you can expect to hear when you attend a CoDA meeting.
This format may vary somewhat from meeting to meeting. Typical meetings last
for 1-1/2 hours.)

Good evening. Welcome to the (Town/City) meeting of Co-dependents Anonymous. My
name is (first name only) and I am Co-dependent. Would you please help me open
this meeting with a moment of silence. 

Co-dependenents Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women whose common
problem is an inability to maintain functional relationships. We share with
one another in the hope of solving our common problems and helping each other
to recover. The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and
fulfilling relationships with others and ourselves.

CoDA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization,
institution or other 12 step program; Does not wish to engage in any
controversy; Neither endorses nor opposes any causes. We rely upon the wisdom
and knowledge of the twelve steps and twelve traditions as adopted for our
purposes from Alcoholics Anonymous, as the principles of our program and as the
guides to living healthy lives. 

Co-dependents Anonymous is a program of recovery from co-dependency, where
each of us may share our experience, strength, and hope in our efforts to
find freedom where there has been bondage and peace where there has been
turmoil in our relationships with others and ourselves.

Co-dependency is born out of dysfunctional family systems of varying degrees,
within which addictions may or may not exist. We have each experienced in our
own ways the painful trauma of the emptiness of our childhood and relationships
throughout our lives. We attempted to use others, our mates, our friends, and
even our children as our sole source of identity, value and well-being and as
a way of trying to restore within us the emotional losses from our childhood.
Some of us may identify with the following characteristics of Co-dependents:
(Pass around separate sheet titled "TYPICAL CHARACTERISTICS OF CO-DEPENDENTS"
for reading by the group)....... 

We have all learned to survive life, but in CoDA we are learning to live life.
Through applying the twelve steps and principles found in CoDA to our daily
lives and relationships, both present and past, we can experience a new freedom
from our self-defeating lifestyles. 

Are there any newcomers this evening? Welcome!... Feel free to take a copy of
the literature that is over by the coffee pot. It is recommended that you
attend six to eight meetings before you decide whether CoDA is right for you.

Are there any announcements?

The tradition of the month is (read from separate sheet)....

The step of the month is (read from separate sheet).....

We are self supporting through our own contributions which are entirely
voluntary and we ask that you give only as you can. Donations are used for
meeting expenses, literature and general CoDA expenses. We will pass a basket
near the end of the meeting. 

CoDA is an anonymous program. We ask that you respect the anonymity and
confidentiality of each person in this meeting. We ask that: <emphasis>("What
you see here, what is said here, when you leave here, let it stay here.") Our
sharing helps us and others, through identification, to free the emotional
bonds of our past and let go of the problematic behavior in our present. It is
an individual growth process. Each of us is growing at our own pace and will
continue to do so as we remain receptive to our own personal spirituality. 

No matter how traumatic your past or despairing your present may seem, there
is hope for a new and better day in the program of Co-dependents Anonymous.

Lets go around the room introducing ourselves using first names only.....

Please raise your hand when you wish to speak and keep your comments brief so
that all of us may have an opportunity to share. We would like to stress that
the group conscience requests that all present refrain from gossip, dominance
and discussion of religion, treatment centers, other 12-step programs and
counseling. Please refrain from cross-talking, the use of dialogue, and giving
advice during the meeting. Remember that we keep the focus on ourselves and
not on others with whom we have been co-dependent.

* Speaker shares their story.... 10 to 15 minutes.

* Speaker picks a topic and opens the meeting for discussion.

* Take a 10 to 15 minute break at approximately 7:45

* Reopen the meeting at approximately 8:00

* At approximately 8:20 please allow for those who have a special need to
  "share" an opportunity to speak and "get current". 

* Pass the basket just before the end of the meeting.

* Close the meeting at 8:30

In closing I would like to say that the opinions expressed here were strictly
those of the person who gave them. Take what you want and leave the rest.
Please remember that what you have heard here was spoken in confidence and
should be treated confidentially. Keep it within the walls of this room and the
confines of your mind. Talk to each other, reason things out with someone else,
but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another. Instead let the
understanding, love and peace of the program grow within you "One day at a
time." 

Would all those who care to join me in the closing prayer... (join hands in a
circle and say the serenity prayer).

   God, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The
   courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

================================================================================

   The following are short 'notes & quotes' that recovering Co-Dependents have
found helpful and would like to share with other recovering Co-Dependents.
None of the following material is official CoDA literature.

  By the transformation stage we begin to discover that we have rights as
individual human beings. As children and even as adults we may have been
treated by others as though we had few or no rights. We may have ourselves come
to believe that we had no rights. And we may be living our lives now as though
we have none.

  As we recover and heal our Child Within, we can put together our personal
Bill of Rights. As part of therapy groups that I have facilitated,
I have asked the group members to consider what rights they have, to write them
out and to share them with the group. The following is a compilation of the
rights that several groups have created. (From page 115 of Healing
The Child Within by Charles L. Whitfield M.D.)

* I have numerous choices in my life beyond mere survival.

* I have a right to discover and know my Child Within.

* I have a right to grieve over what I didn't get that I needed or what I
  got that I didn't need or want.

* I have a right to follow my own values or standard.

* I have a right to recognize and accept my own value system as appropriate.

* I have a right to say NO to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is
  unsafe or violates my values.

* I have a right to dignity and respect.

* I have a right to make decisions.

* I have a right to determine and honor my own priorities.

* I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.

* I have the right to terminate conversations with people who make me feel
  put down or humiliated.

* I have the right to not be responsible for others' behavior, actions,
  feelings or problems.

* I have a right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.

* I have a right to expect honesty from others.

* I have a right to ALL my feelings.

* I have a right to be angry at someone I love.

* I have a right to be uniquely me, without feeling I'm not good enough.

* I have the right to feel scared and to say "I'm afraid".

* I have the right to experience and then let go of fear, guilt and shame.

* I have a right to make decisions based on my feelings, my judgments or
  any reason that I chose.

* I have a right to change my mind at any time.

* I have a right to be Happy.

* I have the right to stability-"roots" and stable, healthy relationships
  of my choice.

* I have the right to my own personal space and time needs.

* There is no need to smile when I cry.

* It is OK to be relaxed, playful and frivolous.

* I have the right to be flexible and to be comfortable with doing so.

* I have the right to change and grow.

* I have the right to be open to improve communication skills so that I may
  be understood.

* I have a right to make friends and be comfortable around people.

* I have a right to be in a non-abusive environment.

* I can be healthier than those around me.

* I can take care of myself, no matter what.

* I have the right to grieve over actual or threatened losses.

* I have the right to trust others who EARN my trust.

* I have the right to forgive others and to forgive myself.

* I have the right to give and receive unconditional love.




                        VARIOUS FORMS OF DEPENDENCY

CO-DEPENDENCY

  Co-dependency is an obsessive preoccupation with the thoughts, wants and
needs of another person, to the detriment of oneself. 

Prevailing beliefs are:

* I must feel bad when you feel bad or think ill of me.

* To feel good, I have to make you feel good.

* To feel good, I have to make you think well of me.

* I am willing to do anything to make you feel good, or to think well of
  me. "Anything" includes denying my own needs.

Outcome:

My feelings and behavior are DEPENDENT on the other person's (real or imagined)
state of mind. Co-dependent behavior is non-productive and often destructive to
oneself. 


INTER-DEPENDENCE

  Inter-dependence is the mutual reliance on one another. It is a from of
trading in which both parties get enough satisfaction to feel good about
themselves and each other.

INDEPENDENCE

   Independence is a state in which I am not subject to the control of
others; I am not relying exclusively on others; I am able to act and think
for myself. In essence: I can do it myself if I have to.

DENIAL

* Pretending that something does not exist when in reality it does.

* Being willing to admit there is a problem but unwilling to see the
  severity of it.

* Seeing the problem as being caused by something or someone else. The
  behavior is not denied, but its cause is someone else's responsibility.

* Offering excuses, alibis, justifications, and other explanations for
  behavior.

* Dealing with the problem on a general level, avoiding personal and
  emotional awareness of the situation or conditions.

* Changing the subject to avoid threatening topics.

* Becoming angry and irritable when reference is made to the condition. This
  helps to avoid the issue.



(From THE 12 STEPS FOR ADULT CHILDREN, Recovery Publications, San Diego CA)

   It is rewarding to find someone whom you like, but it is essential to like
yourself. It is quickening to recognize that someone is a good and decent human
being, but it is indispensable to view yourself as acceptable. It is a delight
to discover people who are worthy of respect and admiration and love, but it is
vital to believe yourself deserving of these things. For you can not live in
someone else. You cannot be given a life by someone else. Of all the people you
will ever know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never leave nor
loose. To the question of your life, you are the only answer. To the problems
of your life, you are the only solution.

                                                    J. Coudert


   When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice, you have not
done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why
I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to
listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems, you
have failed me, strange as that may seem. Perhaps that is why prayer works for
some people, because God is mute, and God doesn't give advice to try to fix
things. God just listens and lets you work things out for yourself. So please
listen and hear me, and if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn and I
promise I will listen to you.

                                                       Anonymous





                      SIERRA TUCSON - HAPPY HOMEWORK

Read these statements every day until they become part of your thinking. Do
NOT memorize them. Think straight and feel great.

* I am a unique and precious human being, always doing the best I can, always
  growing in wisdom and in love.

* I am in charge of my own life.

* My #1 responsibility is my own growth and well being. the better I am to
  me, the better I am to others.

* I refuse to be put down by the attitudes or opinions of others.

* I make my own decisions and assume the responsibility for any mistakes.
  However, I refuse to feel shame or guilt because of them.

* I am not my actions. I am the actor. My actions may be good or bad. That
  doesn't make me good or bad.

* I am not free as to the things that will happen to me. But I am 100% free
  as to the attitude I have towards these things. My personal well being or my
  suffering depend upon my attitudes.

* I do not have to prove myself to anyone. I need only to express myself
  as honestly and effectively as I am capable.

* I am free of animosity or resentment.

* My emotional well being is dependent primarily on how I love me.

* I am kind and gentle towards me.

* I live a day at a time, do first things first.

* I am patient and serene for I have the rest of my life in which to grow.

* Every experience I have in life (even the unpleasant ones) contributes to
  my learning and growth.

* No one in the world is more important than I as a person.

* My mistakes and non-successes do not make me a louse, a crumb or whatever.
  They only prove that I am imperfect, that is, "human". And there's
  nothing wrong with being human.

* Once I have reconciled with God and my neighbor, I am totally free of guilt
  feelings or remorse.

Hang this list on you refrigerator or any place in your home so that you will
not forget to do your happy homework.


Adapted from LOST IN THE SHUFFLE (The Co-dependent Reality) by Robert Subby.

* Take one thing at a time. Recovery is an ongoing process that
  begins by taking first things first. If you are an alcoholic, a bulimic, an
  anorexic, a workaholic, a gambling addict, an over-eater, or a relationship
  addict, get help to take care of that issue first.

* No one recovers alone from co-dependency. If you have no support system, take
  steps to seek one out. Find a counselor, a therapy group or a self-help
  program to help you find your way out of dependency and co-dependency. 

* Stay with your new-found support system. Don't hesitate to call on them
  for help.

* Focus on building trust in others' ability to help you. This is essential
  to facing the many risks of change. Trust them and you will begin to trust in
  yourself.

* Move at a pace that is comfortable for you. You don't have to do everything
  at once. Recovery does not happen like a lightning bolt.

* You have the right to say "No". If it feels like the wrong thing to do,
  don't do it. This is YOUR recovery, not someone else's.

* Put yourself first on the list of people to consider in the process of
  change. This is not license to ignore the needs of others, just a reminder to
  be considerate to yourself.

* Change often makes others react with hurt, fear, and resentment. You are
  part of a system and when you change, it puts strain on the system; others
  feel the stress. Remember to be responsible to yourself first and others
  second. You can care about them without having to take care of them.
  Children may be the greatest challenge for you in this respect.

* Take time to celebrate your successes, no matter how small.

* Put more energy into loving yourself than in trying to love others. This
  is the heart of learning how to love others in a healthy way.

* Your feelings are okay; your REACTION to your feelings may not be. Try
  to learn the difference.

* No one recovers perfectly. Healthy systems of support allow for mistakes.

* Never take more than 50 percent of the responsibility in any relationship
  with other adults.

* Try to avoid focusing on the problems of others and try to avoid solving
  their problems for them. Don't waste time taking their inventories, mulling
  their moral lapses and making tallies of their undesirable traits.

* When you don't know the answer to something, admit it. When you want to
  know the answer, if there is one, ask someone who does know. AND WHEN YOU
  NEED HELP TO DO SOMETHING, ASK FOR IT.

* Don't assume that others understand or care about what you want or need.

* Remember to take time to rest and play.

* Eat when you feel hungry, and sleep when you feel tired.

* Share your feelings and problems in a safe place. Grieve your losses, but
  don't grieve interminably; don't become defined by your grief and dependent
  on it. And be as understanding with yourself as you are with others.

* Be true to yourself, above all, and remember, WHEREVER YOU GO, THERE
  YOU WILL BE.



                     PLEASE HEAR WHAT I'M NOT SAYING

Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a mask,
a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled. For
God's sake don't be fooled. I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all
is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is
my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command, and
that I need no one. But don't believe me. My surface may seem smooth but my
surface is my mask, ever-varying and ever-concealing. Beneath lies no
complacence. Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness. I hide this. I
don't want anybody to know it. 

I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I
frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance
is precisely my salvation. My only hope and I know it. That is, if it's
followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love. It's the only thing that can
liberate me from my myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the
barriers I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself, that I'm really worth something. But I don't
tell you this. I don't dare. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid your glance will not be
followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love. I'm afraid that you'll
think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me. I'm
afraid that deep-down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good, and that you will
see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance
without and a trembling child within. So begins the glittering but empty
parade of masks, and my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in the
suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that's really nothing, and
nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me. So when I'm going
through my routine, do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully
and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to be able to say, what for
survival I need to say, but what I can't say.

I don't like to hide. I don't like to play superficial phony games. I want to
stop playing them. I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me, but you've got
to help me. You've got to hold out your hand even when that's the last thing
I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the
breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind and
gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really
care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but
wings! With your power to touch me into feeling you can breath life into me.
I want you to know that.

I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator - a
honest-to-God creator - of the person that is me if you choose to. You alone
can break down the wall behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can can release me from my shadow-world of panic and uncertainty,
from my lonely prison, if you choose to. Please choose to. Please do not pass
me by. It will not be easy for you.

A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach
me the blinder I may strike back. It's irrational, but despite what the books
may say about man, often I am irrational. I fight against the very thing that
I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls, and in
this lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands but
with gentle hands for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every
man you meet and I am every woman you meet.

                                                      Charles F. Finn


From an old Ann Lander's column.......

I first met her in high school. She was older than I and exciting. She'd been
around. My parents warned me to have nothing to do with her. They claimed no
good could come from our relationship.

But I kept meeting her on the sly. She was so sophisticated and worldly. It
made me feel grown up just being with her. It was fun to take her to a party
in those days. She was almost always the center of attention. 

We began seeing more of each other after I started college. When I got a place
of my own, she was a frequent guest. It wasn't long before she moved in with
me. It may have been common-law, but it was heartbreaking for my parents. I
kept reminding myself that I wasn't a kid anymore. Besides, it was legal. 

We lived together right through college and into my early days in business. I
seldom went anywhere without her, but I wasn't blind. I knew she was unfaithful
to me. What's worse, I didn't care. As long as she was there for me when I
needed her (and she always was), it didn't matter. 

The longer we lived together, the more attached I became to her. But it wasn't
mutual. She began to delight in making me look foolish in front of my friends.
But I still couldn't give her up. 

It became a love/hate relationship. I figured out that her glamour was nothing
more than a cheap mask to hide her spite and cynicism. I could no longer see
her beauty after I came to know her true character. 

But old habits are hard to break. We had invested many years in each other.
Even though my relationship with her made me loose a little respect for myself,
she had become the center of my life. We didn't go anywhere. We didn't do
anything. We didn't have friends over. It was just the two of us. I became
deeply depressed and knew that she was largely responsible for my misery. I
finally told her I was leaving for good. It took a lot of guts but I left. 

I still see her around. She's as beautiful as when we met. I still miss her now
and then. I'm not boasting when I say she'd take me back in a minute. But by
the grace of God, I will never take up with her again. 

If you see her, give her my regards. I don't hate her. I just loved her too
much. 

Chances are you know her family...

The name is ALCOHOL.

Waco, Texas

NOTE: Not only could this be rewritten from a female's point of view
but the family name of Alcohol is only one of many, many names that could be
used. Some other family names that come to mind are: Work, Food, Sex, Money,
Drugs, and Power.

I assume most of us didn't read that entire long reply, so in case you didn't,
I'd like to repeat one paragraph I found quite moving:


   When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice, you have not
done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why
I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to
listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems, you
have failed me, strange as that may seem. Perhaps that is why prayer works for
some people, because God is mute, and God doesn't give advice to try to fix
things. God just listens and lets you work things out for yourself. So please
listen and hear me, and if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn and I
promise I will listen to you.

                                                       Anonymous

    Is there a branch of CODA in London???? There are a couple of people 
    who would be really interested in looking into it. 
    
    We found the notes under 1122.13 like looking into a mirror, it also
    led on from discussions we were having last week without any real
    direction or understanding until we were lucky enough to run into this
    conference.
    
    Best Regards
    
    
    Christine
    
    
    

    
    RE -1
    
    Hi Christine,
    
    I have some info that might help - drop round....(5th floor, opposite
    coffee machine)
    
    'gail

    HI,
    
           I have a book I recently got from Guideposts Magazine, the book
    is called "LOVE IS A CHOICE, Recovery for Codependent Relationships."
    I just started reading it and I really have gotten a lot out of
    this book.  I don't have the address here at work but if anyone is
    interested let me know via vaxmail and I will get it for you.
    
    
    PS:  I am really glad this topic is here!  I haven't logged into the
         notes files for quite some time, so this was just what I needed.
    
    
    Donna

    Thursday, April 4, 8-9 pm, channel 44 - Bradshaw on Homecoming - may be
    a weekly series since it was on last week also.  I caught the end of it
    last week - very interesting!

Re: .18

I presume you mean Boston, Mass. channel 44 (WGBX).  Those outside of
the Boston area, (but in the US), should ask their local PBS station
when (if) the Bradshaw series will be shown.

				Steve

	If I'm the only one that gets a bit brissled by the incorrectly
	spelled word "codependent" which keeps REAPPEARING every time
	someone puts a new reply on this topic, then moderator, by
	all means don't bother to correct the spelling of that title :-)

Bradshaw on Homecoming is a series, but it's one that's already been taped.
There are 10 parts which they are rerunning on various PBS channels at various
times.  It's excellent, he's a great speaker and along with the serious side
of things he brings a good sense of humor.  With stuff this serious, believe
me you need it once in a while!  ;-)


I myself have gotten through the first 3.  Definitely recommended for anyone
who came from a dysfunctional family, even if it wasn't all that severe.  And
I feel too it provides a better understanding for those that did.


Brian

    Bradshaw will also be coming to Boston May 30 - June 2nd.
    He will be running a workshop and giving a lecture on the
    family.  I have the number for tix/information here somewhere.
    
    Kathy

    Kathy, could you please put it in... I really would like to go.

	thank you,

	   Mikki

Call 1-800-877-7676 for information and tix.
(This number is out of Denver, and the office is open 9-5 mountain time.
Leave a message and they will call you back.)

May 30:  Lecture 7:30 - 10:00    $20.00
May 31:  Workshop 9:00 - 4:30    $90.00
June 1 & 2: Workshop 9:00 - 4:00 $185.00 

(The following is from the WGBH handout on Bradshaw......)

	John Bradshaw is the author of three best-selling books and is
	currently appearing across the country in the powerful new public
	television series "Bradshaw On Homecoming."

	John has stirred millions of people with his compelling and profound
	view of how family dynamics foster compulsive behavior - including
	alcoholism, drug addition, sexual addition, workahalism and
	co-dependency.

	His current work focuses in depth on what we can do to heal these
	destructive behaviors.

	John's skill as a speaker and his ability to model his own inspiring
	recovery process combine to offer us help and hope in dealing with
	some of the most critical issues in out lives.

               *** JOHN BRADSHAW - IN PERSON - IN BOSTON ***

MAY 30 - Thursday, An Evening Event - $20 per person

	 "AN EVENING WITH JOHN BRADSHAW: SHARING HIS EXPERIENCES, STRENGTH
          AND HOPE"

	John Bradshaw, author, lecturer, public television host, and inspiring
	teacher, spends an evening sharing his current thoughts on the process
	of recovery and expressing his feelings about what the future holds
	for the recovery "movement."

	John's story of his own addition, co-dependency, and recovery is a
	valuable source of hope for those of us with similar struggles. John
	does not claim to be "cured" but rather demonstrates, with rigorous
	honesty and generous openness, the day-to-day nature of his personal
	growth process.

	A brilliant speaker, John ranges from philosophy to theology to poetry
	to clinical phychology with incredible ease. He will cover a variety
	of topics and answer questions from the audience. This will be an
	inspiring and unique evening - don't miss it!

MAY 31 - Friday, An All-Day Workshop - $90 per person - 9:00 AM to 4:30 PM

	"WHERE ARE YOU FATHER? - HEALING OUR FATHER WOUNDS"

	The psychological absence of fathers from their families is on of the
	great underestimated tragedies of out times. the presence of a
	nurturing father is essential to healthy childhood growth; and the
	effect of father-loss - either physical or emotional - has a profound
	impact on the lives of most men and women.

	In this workshop, John will illuminate the nature of this deep wounding
	and the unique ways in which each sex is impacted. He will outline the
	elements of this critical issue and explain how socially imposed
	masculine stereotyping has distracted fathers from their families.

	John will assist participants in focusing on what we need to do to heal
	our father wounds and create new family structures which allow the
	father a place in the family system.
	
JUNE 1-2 - Saturday thru Sunday Workshop - $185 per person - 9:00 AM to 4:00 PM

	"HOMECOMING: RECLAIMING AND CHAMPIONING YOUR INNER CHILD"

	Within all of us lives a precious little child that represents the
	most essential, vibrant, and creative part of ourselves. Many of us
	who grew up in families characterized by abandonment and abuse -
	intentional or not - have difficulty relating to this important part
	of ourselves because it is associated with so much pain. This
	interferes with out ability to function as happy fulfilled adults.

	One of the gifts resulting from the "adult-child" movement is the
	realization the healing our wounded inner child the the key to
	complete recovery.

	In this powerful workshop, upon which his newest book is based, John
	will lead each participant on a journey of rediscovering the child
	within. Through the use of lecture and experiential exercises, he will
	demonstrate techniques for accessing childhood memories, and healing
	painful wounds left by unment developmental needs.

REGISTRATION BY PHONE:

	 To use VISA or MASTERCARD, call BRADSHAW EVENTS, (800)877-7676. A
	$1 service charge per ticket will be added to phone orders. All
	seating is general admission. Lectures and workshops are priced
	individually, no package or group discounts. NO reservations without
	payments and NO REFUNDS. Registration may be accepted at the door
	on a space-available basis.

INFORMATION FOR WORKSHOP ATTENDEES:

	Dress comfortably. Bring pen and paper. Some of the processes require
	interaction with others. Chairs will already be set up in groups of
	six. Please find a group with which you want to work. There will be
	a lunch break in addition to short mid-morning and mid-afternoon.
	Lunch is on your own. During the workshop trained therapists will be
	present to talk with those needing individual assistance. Audio tapes
	of these events will be available for purchase upon the conclusion
	of each event. Cameras and tape recorders and not permitted. Smoking
	is prohibited.

LOCATION:

	John Bradshaw's lectures and workshops take place at the Park Plaza
	Castle Exposition and Conference Center, Columbus Ave. and Arlington
	St., in Boston. For MBTA- get off at the Arlington Street stop of
	the Green Line.

CONTINUING EDUCATION:

	Continuing education credits are available for counselors through the
	National Board for Certified Counselors (provider No. 5398), California
	Alcoholism and Drug Counselors Education Program (CADCEP provider
	No. OS-89-206-0991), and nurses through the California Board of
	Registered Nursing (CBRN provider No. CEP 08762). Local continuing
	education and college credits have been applied for and may be
	available for this event

(The inner child workshop was "mind-blowing" for me when I went last year. I
 strongly recommend it.  - Rick)

    I watched this Bradshaw guy on WGBH once, and for a moment, I was quite
    moved by what he was saying.  So I concluded that he is a very effective 
    speaker which makes him more dangerous.  He is essentially telling
    people what they want to hear.  He subtly twists the meaning of
    everything to suit his purpose as if everyone in the world agrees with
    him.
    
    Eugene

     Eugene,

	  I have never watched the television shows, but his books by no
     means tell people what they want to hear.  "Bradshaw On:  The Family"
     and "Healing The Shame That Binds You" are basically handbooks on how
     to heal from abuse.  While one might possibly be able to interpret the
     former as "see, all my troubles are my parents' fault," that would be
     missing most of the words and a good deal of the message; and the lat-
     ter is full of some very difficult exercises.  Neither one is fun or
     easy to read, for those who need to read them....

				     Brian

    re: .28 and .27
    
          I have listened to Bradshaw and agree that the man is
    empathetically informed.  I have his books and have had lots more
    difficultly accepting his written words (I don't agree with his
    religious beliefs, for example.)  But if this is dangerous, then
    we're all in much greater difficulty than any of us thought!
    Bradshaw has a great deal of wisdom most of which is worth listening
    to.  I would be interested in knowing who Eugene happens to believe
    would be more valuable.
    
    Frederick
    

    I think Eugene might be uncomfortable with the fact that Bradshaw
    uses an enthusiastic, "revival-show" style of delivery in his
    lectures and workshops.  This method can be very effective in
    generating widespread acceptance for ideas that would otherwise
    be rejected if presented in a calm, detached manner.  It bypasses
    the logic centers in the brain and goes straight for the emotions.
    Adolf Hitler and Jerry Falwell use(d) it masterfully; this is
    why seeing it in use might make some people uncomfortable.  On
    the other hand, Martin Luther King also used it.
    
    The question is:  because a tool is a favorite among charlatans
    and murderers, does that necessarily indict ALL who use the
    tool?  Personally, I think one should look a little deeper than
    the surface.  I find Bradshaw's ideas attractive regardless of
    the delivery method.  I find Falwell's ideas repulsive despite
    the delivery method...
    
    --jim