Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Nora obviously doesn't feel you are a close personal friend, but
    does feel you are close enough to be invited to the reception.
    
    I'd recommend you decline with thanks and send a small gift, and
    leave it at that.
    
    		-John Bishop

    re -1  just to make things clear -
    
    the invitation was NOT to the "reception"  ;  Lynn attemded that after
    the wedding ceremony.  This is just an "open house" ...don't ��know how
    this fits in with the regular wedding procedures...and the invite SAID
    "no gifts'.......but I appreciate your input!!!!!!!!!
    

    Would you have invited Nora to your wedding?
    
    Do you wish to still have Nora as a friend?
    
    Have you talked this over with Lynn?
    
    The way in which you presented .0 does lead one to believe that Nora
    was unfair to you.  Perhaps she was, but, maybe she didn't think so...

Maybe... if you'd always called here then just deciding not to means she thinks
that YOU dropped HER??

Did you tell her (or has Lynn) that you were fed up always being the one to 
call?

In fact it was YOU who "changed the rules" so to speak.. (I'm not condoning the
rules, but thats the way it was...)




Xtine

    I'd send a "congrats on your wedding" card, say I was sorry I couldn't
    make the open house and wish her many happy years with the new hubby. 
    If she wants to contact you after that - you'd have given her the
    opportunity.  She may have misunderstood your silence, and you hers.
    Don't go if it's gonna make you uncomfortable - but don't keep the door
    closed either.
    
    FWIW,
    
    Lynne
    

    Technically, you don't know Nora's even gotten married.  It's 
    possible that she's just been too busy to contact you and knew 
    Lynn had mentioned the news to you anyway, but the fact that she 
    has told you nothing about it should tell you something about 
    your status as her friend.  She probably gave her parents your name
    because she'd like to see you, but since she herself has had no
    contact with you for some time, I wouldn't feel too obligated to
    attend.

    Since it's possible that this party was part of a compromise on 
    the size of her wedding (i.e., a way to invite more people without
    the expense of a huge number of wedding guests), I would respond to
    it the same way I would respond to a wedding invitation from a friend
    I was never particularly close to and had grown out of touch with: if
    I felt like going, go, and if I didn't, send a note saying I wouldn't
    be able to make it, and extending my best wishes.

	Sharon

    
    
    
    If I felt like going, I would go.  If I didn't, I wouldn't.
    
    However, regardless of what I did, I would send her a greeting saying
    I was pleasantly surprised to hear that she was married and that I 
    wish her happiness.
    
    Rule #1 I'm beginning to learn is that just because you leave the line
    of communication to the other person does not mean that they won't
    think you are still blowing them off anyway.
    
    I've found that when I leave the other person to contact me, they
    usually think I'm angry at them for something, so it's all a major
    misunderstanding anyway.
    
    k

    without reading .1 thru .6
    
    Somehow, it doesn't seem like the friendship is really there. Which
    seems like it could hurt a lot. But all the signs point that way. But
    I think perhaps it's best not to give it up right away. This person
    could write a letter detailing all that you describe in .0 to Nora, and
    let her react. I would think that the reaction, or lack of one, would tell
    exactly how she feels. It might hurt  a lot, but to go on not knowing is 
    even worse. And the parents need to know the same thing........
    
    As always, not easy, but it would get to the heart of the matter.......
    
    ....Bob

    after reading the replies.........
    
    .5, .6, and .7 make sense to me. .8 was my simplistic approach, but
    they put it in better perspective than I seem to be able to......
    
    ....Bob

    Thanks for all the input..I would like to just clarify a few loose
    ends..
    
    - yes, I would have invited Nora to my wedding, or AT LEAST called and
    invited her to the ceremony if money was tight....  I would have
    CALLED and TOLD her...even written....telegram...smoke signals....ha ha
    
    - I showed Lynn the announcement/invite and she just said to do what I
    wanted...she basically stays out of it because she's in between.  I
    don't really blame her...
    
    - I didn't "change the rules"...Nora had called me, just not as often
    as I called her.  I let her know that bothered me..and she always
    understood and promised to call next....sometimes she would and
    sometime I got tired of waiting....After a 3 or 4 times in a row of me
    calling her (over a 6-8 month period) I decided to see how long I was
    supposed to wait....ha.  
    
    
    
    If I send a card to send my regrets at not going, and wishing
    happiness, WHO do I send it to?????? HER PARENTS sent me the
    invitation...I have not yet heard a peep from her directly.  I'm sure
    she was relying on Lynn to tell me, even though she continued to call
    Lynn and tell her that she would give me a call....
    
    I don't even know her new address or phone number!!!! Am I supposed to
    ask Lynn for it?  Her parents????
    
    Lastly, I guess I am too hurt and too distant to feel really committed
    to saving this friendship.  I suspect a well-wishing note is the best
    answer...BUT TO WHOM???  Nora - c/o her parents???  There's an idea!
    What do you think?/
    
    Am I being too unforgiving?
    
    Laf  

    Oh, I forgot to add a new bit of info....I may be moving back to the
    area where Nora lives..........
    
    Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm  does/should this matter???
    
    Laf
    

    re .10
    
    You don't even know how to reach Nora. I think you hit the nail on the
    head. Send regrets to her parents, then send them to her, too, c/o her
    parents.
    
    I don't think that the fact that you're moving back to her area should
    make any difference at all. I wouldn't even let her know, or ask Lynn
    to tell her. Let her find out and call you, if she has a mind to......
    
    In short, to my way of thinking, if she won't make any effort to call
    you, it probably ISN'T worth pursuing..........
    
    ....Bob

    I would say "I have a previous plans" and write  her off as a friend. I
    had the same thing happen with me with someone from high school, which
    I was a bridesmaid in her wedding.  After she got married she NEVER
    called me, and then I found out from another source that she HAD A
    BABY..she did not even call me once...so I solved the problem easily, I
    dropped her, as much as it hurt.  We have been good freinds for eight
    years.....

    Send the "best wishes" card to her c/o her parents.  Maybe she 
    will or won't acknowledge it, but at least YOU know YOU tried.
    
    L
    

    This may sting a bit, but I have to say it because I've been in your
    shoes so to speak.   My situation was a little bit different, but I
    have the perspective of time to look back on it.
    
    I know you feel hurt, I sympathize with your pain.  What I discovered
    (too late to save a good friendship) was that my hurt and my pain came
    from me and not her.  I felt hurt because I felt *entitled* to be
    invited to her wedding.  Your friend Nora is the one who is entitled
    to decide who she will invite and who she won't.  In all likelihood
    her reasons for not inviting you are based on a misunderstanding not
    an intention to hurt you.
    
    That said, what do you do now?  Go, if you want to go.  Send regrets if
    you don't.  But don't assume the friendship is over.  Like someone said
    don't close the door.
    
    Mary

    Re -.1 (Mary)
    
    Thanks, but I am not hurt because she didn't invite me to her
    wedding...I mean, yes, but I would have been content with at least a
    phone call telling me she had moved in with the guy...or at least had
    gotten engaged.  I would have understood financial restrictions
    limiting the # of guests and I know I'm not a "close" friend, but AS A
    FRIEND I guess I DID *expect* a phone call or note or *something*.  I
    think I do have the right to expect communication, otherwise what is
    there to this "friendship"?
    
    I haven't done anything yet, but I am planning on sending a note to
    Nora c/o her parents.  But I am still debating whether or not to send
    her a letter telling her how I feel......
    
    hmmm
    
    Thanks for the advice...
    Laf
    

    A note to Nora c/o her parents is what I'd send.  I wouldn't bother
    sending her a note about how you feel, as it would probably only
    create hard feelings on her part.  Since you've basically grown
    apart at this point, it doesn't sound like it would be constructive.

    On the other hand (this one from personal experience), it's probably
    better than her hearing the whole story from Lynn, so if that's the
    option, it's probably best to tell Nora directly.  In which case, I
    think I'd be more inclined to wait a while, then call or tell her in
    person the next time I saw her.

    However, if you don't plan on continuing the friendship with Nora
    (which sounds like it's basically dead at this point), what's the point
    in letting her know how you feel?

	Sharon