Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Everyone goes through hurt, and I think if that guy has strong enough
    feelings for the "new" gal in his life, the X-gal will become more and
    more distant in his mind.  It will take time though...tell her to be
    patient and if it bothers her to to hear him talk about the "X"..tell
    her to be up front with him and tell him "Would you mind not talking
    about your "X", it makes me feel uncomfortable".  
    
    
    Lynne S

    I think it's worth working hard on this one. The key seems to me to be
    their ability to discuss it openly. I don't know how much they do that,
    but it must be talked about at times, from what I gather from .0.
    
    There should be a better settlement before a permanent commitment is
    made anywhere. He needs to somehow set his priorities straight, and
    be sure of what he wants. Not easy sometimes........maybe he feels
    sorry for the ex-girl-friend, or guilty about something in relation to
    her, but he needs help to get over that, or decide that he really
    didn't want to end it, or some decision........
    
    ....Bob
    

    I'll share my experience, FWIW... I dated a guy for 3 mos last year who
    had been broken up with his ex nearly 2 years.  I was the first serious
    girfriend he had since that time.  One week before Christmas, he called
    to say he loved me and didn't want me seeing anyone else, meantime, she
    called, upset that he was serious with me, and wanted him back.  A week
    after Christmas, he suddenly chose to go back to her.  My suspicion is 
    that there was more to it than I was aware of, but the fact is, he
    wasn't over her and it was nearly 2 years.  Based on that experience, 
    I would say your friend must make a decision whether or not she wishes
    to risk staying in this precarious relationship.  And realize that it
    is a risk. I'm all for hard work in relationships, but it has to be 
    2 sided.  
    
    As far as feelings for an old love, well, I will 'fess up to still
    having a place in my heart for a love ten years past, although I would
    not let it interfere with any current relationship.  It is indeed past,
    and what I am most fond of are the memories, more than the person.
    
    Kim

    	I think that the guy is having a little problem letting go off his
    x because of her some special qualities. If she really likes him and 
    thinks that its worth the trouble then your friend should discuss what
    were the things that he liked most about his x and try to realise and
    and not oppose those qualities and kind of go along with whatever those
    qualities were. No way i am implying that she is to change and become 
    like her x but she should not completely run away from the reality
    that he likes and may be loves his x for some particular reason and 
    if she considers that he might think that after all his x is not so 
    special and realise the love of her for him and the relation can get
    real strong.
    
    just my opinion as we all have freedom to write.
    
    ali.

    I'd like to offer an old proverb:
    
                             Behold the turtle! 
                             He makes progress 
                      only when he sticks his head out.
    
    You can stay safely in your shell.  And you'll never loose your head.
    But you'll never get anywhere.  Sounds to me, like this guy is worth
    the risk.
    
    Alan

>  Can you get into a loving committed relationship while still not
>  "over" someone else?

This assumes the situation has a binary value and the answer is
either 'yes' or 'no'.

I think that if he's still pining over the past relationship and
spends his nights crying into his pillow, the answer is probably
'no'. 

If he "has no intention of getting back together with the
exgirlfriend", then the answer is 'yes'. 

And, since "even though he knows a relationship with her will not
work out he still has feelings for her and misses her sometimes and
thinks of her alot', it all depends on the degree he is still
"thinking of her alot". 

Almost everyone of us has transitioned from one relationship into
another. If, as sometimes happens, the first relationship was
rapturous (I hope this is a real word) for a while and then ended
painfully, the person may wonder if they'll ever get over the
misery. Most of the time, they partially do. They then start another
relationship, which often helps them recuperate further. At first,
the new relationship is at hazard, because of memories of the
previous one. In time, most people conquer the past. 

So, most of the time, to a lesser or greater degree, we all overcome
previous relationships (in spite of "certain people that stay with
you forever") and "still go on with life anyway". 


>  Should my friend keep going and getting deeper involved with this
>  guy? 

There are no guarantees, but maybe she should. 

-- Ron

    If its love, truly love, its always love.  Wouldn't you want for your
    lover to always love you?  Relationships may cease to be active, but
    the love, if it was love, should not ever die completely.  Look at the
    love between parent and child that persists despite struggles, changes,
    distance, ... 
    
    Those who have loved others and experienced the pain of separation but
    have reflected on what went wrong, what could have been better (usually
    open communication) will be that much better a lover if they are not
    incapacitated by fear of a recurrence of the pain.  What we more often
    love is not the true person but an image that we want for ourselves
    that that person seems to fit.  If the new lover always compares you to
    another lover they once had then they have not found you nor yet love
    you.  But if the new lover is open about how important this past lover
    was while acknowledging you for what you are, then you have found gold.
    
    Andrew

    Yes, this CAN work!  HONESTLY!  THis is almost the EXACT scenerio of the
    beginning of the relationship I'm in now.
    
    About a year ago I started dating Bob.  His ex-girlfriend had broken
    up with him a few months before (I believe around 6-8.  Not quite sure). 
    He was heartbroken.  I came into his life and we dated for quite a
    while.  I knew that he was still not over his ex-girlfriend.  He even
    told me that he still had feelings for her.  This was especially
    difficult because he WORKED with her every day!  The night that he told
    me that he loved me, he also told me that he did still have feelings
    for his ex-girlfriend.  It tore him apart for a while to be thinking
    about her.
    
    He did eventually get over her.  Through all of the love that I was
    pouring out to him and him returning that love to me.  We are now
    engaged to be married.
    
    So you see, if your friend REALLY works at it, it CAN work out!
    
    Holly
    

    Holly:
    
    Good for YOU!  I wish the same had happened to me.  Sean and I dated,
    both "rebound" -- me from the death of my sweetheart, and he was
    *still* dating a much older woman with whom he was having problems.  I
    devoted over a year to the relationship.  One of the main reasons why I
    broke up with him was because he refused to let go of the ex and the
    past.  I gave him an ultimatum when he told me he was dating this
    woman, he ended the relationship, finally, but dragged it out for
    months and months, swearing to me that he was over his feelings for
    her.  Our final breakup confrontation was filled with *his* feelings
    about not being able to let go of the past.  But yet, even so, he
    didn't want to let go of our relationship either.
    
    It's a gamble.  I ended it for peace of mind.  Now I am with someone
    whom I totally adore, who is my best friend and lover.  We have mutual
    goals and many common interests.  I've been friends with him for almost
    6 years, and stopped being friends with him because of Sean.  We have
    been together 7 months now and I'm very, very happy!  I stopped dealing
    with "ghosts" and started dealing with total reality.
    
    Tammi

    Tammi,
    
    Very sorry it has taken me this long to get back to you.  I don't get
    into this file as much as I should.
    
    I'm quite sorry to hear about the relationship that didn't work out. 
    My first relationship after my fiance died, but it was me who was
    holding on to the past.  I, like you, learned to stop remembering
    ghosts and start concentrating on reality.
    
    Holly
    

    I have a question.  The x? does she encourage your friend's boyfriend
    at all.  If so, then you never know!