Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    If your friend feels that she can maintain a professional relationship
    with her new manager, then she should take advantage of the new career
    opportunity.
    
    If her fiance is jealous, they need to separate the issues and talk
    about it.  Is he jealous because she is the main breadwinner?  Is he
    jealous because of her past relationship with her new manager?
    
    Divorce does not mean that one will always be insecure in a
    relationship.  Perhaps there are other issues that need to be addressed
    that are affecting the current relationship.  Until they are resolved,
    it will be difficult for the relationship to grow.
    
    Just my .02
    Judi
    

    
    IMHO, I look at it two ways:
    
    1 - Trust, once lost, is quite difficult, if not impossible, to regain.
        Whether or not she actually "broke" the trust by not being up front
        and direct about the past relationship, the perception on his part
        was that of trust lost.
    
    2-  Jealousy is a useless emotion.  He should come to the realization
        that what used to be is not necessarily the way things are now.
        To boot, he can gain nothing from his suspicions and smothering
        except to make things worse.
    
    The only clear cut recommendation would be that they shouldn't get
    married until they resolve this type of situation.  (Not only THIS
    situation, mind you, but all situations where jealousy and trust are
    concerned.)
    
    Bob  

    Judi
    
    Thanks for your input.
    I believe that the "jealousy "is due to the fact that she will be in
    contact with this man from the past. The agreement between my friend
    and her fiance is that she will work until he succesfully completes his
    degree and then she will give up working and he will support her and
    they can start a family. He feels that it is "the right thing" to "look
    after her " financially and perhaps a little of that frustration is
    boiling over.
    
    However, he feels that the new manager may attempt to make advances on
    her and is worried what her reaction will be. I know that as far as she
    is concerned and the other guy for that matter this relationship is
    strictly a business transaction.
    
    I know that she would not consciously do anything to jeopardise her
    relationship with her fiance in any way. 
    
    Although she can understand how he perceives the situation she is
    anxious to try to help him realise that he is the only one she needs
    and wants to be with.
    
    Maybe this helps to paint a clearer picture???
    
    
    Nat

    re. 2  Bob thanks for your input
    
    I understand that one of his reactions to her telling him brought home
    a few under lying skeletons...he actually said he felt betrayed and
    said that it was just like his ex-wife all over again.
    
    She, incidentally, cleared his house and took their daughter and moved
    in with his best friend....

    Sounds like they need to put some "skeletons" to rest.  One cannot
    ignore what has happened in the past, but one can be aware of it so
    that can be prevented in the future.
    
    Does your friend's fiance want her to lose out on a professional
    opportunity because of his jealousy?
    
    The feelings of both people are very real and valid and need to be
    discussed openly.  If your friend turns down this job and is not able
    to find a similar opportunity, how will that resentment manifest
    itself?
    
    Each issue and feeling needs to be examined independently; sounds like
    they're getting mixed in together.  Yes, he was betrayed by his
    ex-wife; the fact is that your friend is NOT HIS EX-WIFE and he is not
    being fair to her.
    
    When issues come up for my husband and I, we try to be aware of whether
    they were touched off by past history.  An innocent comment can touch a
    hot button, and we're working on being aware of the sensitive areas and
    where they come from, moving forward as *our* relationship develops and
    the past is put to rest.
    
    The only way to resolve it is to TALK about it and examine how the
    issue affect each individual and the couple; almost like a 3-legged
    stool.  Keep talking until it's resolved!
    
    
    Judi
    

    without reading the other replies.........
    
    It could be that he has a real problem with jealousy. Maybe that was a
    big problem with his first marriage. At any rate, it's a problem that
    HAS to be solved BEFORE getting married. At least it's an open issue
    before the marriage. AT least she was willing to risk opening this up.
    He has to realize that, and understand that she wants everything to be
    open. She could have sat on it, and it would have been OK for a while,
    then blown up and gotten worse. He needs to realize that the fact that
    she told him means that she would have no intention of letting it
    happen again.
    
    At any rate, solve it now. Counseling, whatever, or the marriage will
    be in trouble at the altar.......
    
    ....Bob

    1) No use crying over spilled milk, but why did she feel the need to
    tell her fiance that she had had an affair with this man?  IMO the past
    is past, and there's no need to dredge up old relationships.  I'm a
    fairly open person, yet I don't feel the need to divulge such things
    when my husband meets an "old flame," shall we say.  Though if he asked,
    I'd give an honest answer.  I'm sure he wouldn't think of this as a
    betrayal.  
    
    2) I would think that if there were a chance that she and her new boss
    hit if off well enough to have a relationship worth being jealous of, 
    they would have done it before she ever even met her fiance.  But they
    aren't together today, are they?  Why should anyone be jealous of
    someone their SO *used* to go out with?  They ended it for some reason.
    That's what matters. Therefore, there's no *logical* reason to be jealous.
    Is the fiance afraid that some old flame will be re-kindled?
    
    3) Is this boss married or single?  
    
    4) Just because a man's ex-wife ran off with his (ex-)best friend
    doesn't mean he has to be jealous.  My husband's did, and he isn't.
    There must be some other insecurity at work here.
    
    Sounds like a crazy situation, to me.  That she told him.  That he felt
    betrayed she didn't tell him sooner.  Sounds like they're both insecure
    and could use some counselling.
    
    Paula                          

    re .7
    
    I agree, Paula. I suspect she felt that without telling him, she'd be
    carrying around extra baggage she couldn't handle. She may have been
    afraid the guy would have let it slip in the future and caused worse
    problems. You're right, the past is her own business. Her fiance needs
    to realize that, though, and accept what happened before he knew her.
    She needs to feel safe with the situation.
    
    I still think it's important to get this solved before any commitments
    are made that they might regret later if it isn't solved.
    
    ....Bob

    Did she have this affair with her boss while she was still married?
    If this is the case, I would question values. If not the case, then
    he should let go and realize that she is not his ex-wife and will
    not run-off.
    
    Either way, I wouldn't have told him about the affair.
    
    kate

    .6> At any rate, solve it now. Counseling, whatever, or the marriage will
    .6> be in trouble at the altar.......
    
    Amen to that!  If he is jealous, suspicious and cannot trust, no way
    will it ever work.  Work it out now or get out while the gettin's good.
    Anyone who get jealous and suspicious easily is not mature enough to
    maintain a lasting relationship with anyone.
    
    Mary

    I say if they trust each other they can overcome almost every obsticle
    possible.  Why give up a great job with great salary for this reason, I
    sure wouldnt!! As long as she keeps a professional attitude and not let
    her feelings get in the way...she is all set.
    
    
    Lynne