Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    I know a year seems like a long time, but you can't just say, Okay, I
    don't love her and get on with it."  There is no time frame on getting
    over anyone.  I would suggest, however, that you keep busy, make your-
    self do things to put you in contact with new people.  You will never 
    get on with it if you don't change your old habits.  I am all in favor
    of counselling for any problem one is having a hard time dealing with.
    I don't think there is a person alive who couldn't use counselling at
    least once in their lifetime so that is another option.  Talk to your
    EAP rep.  I also have to wonder why you are putting yourself in a posi-
    tion to be doing things with your ex.  That will prolong the pain.  I
    know the kids think it's great, but this action could also give them
    hope that mommy and daddy MIGHT get back together again.  It is very 
    confusing for children to see their parents having a great time to-
    gether when they have been told that the parents "can't live together
    anymore because they 1) don't love each other any more or 2) they can't
    get along" or whatever reason is given.  You might also live in the
    fantasy that you might be able to win her back again.  As I said, VERY
    dangerous situation all around.  I think it would help you to do things
    with your kids by yourself.  They might as well get used to it and the
    sooner, the better IMHO.  
    
    So, in summary, I would get out there and start doing some fun things
    and keep an open mind.  Allow yourself to get into conversations with
    new people (both male and female), join a club, take a course, ask 
    women out to just have a fun evening with and have NO expectations one
    way or the other-new friendships can develop even if it's not a
    romantic friendship and that's exactly what you need right now.
    
    Good luck and keep us posted.  Trust that you are not alone in what 
    you are going through and also trust that this too will pass.  
        

    I agree with .1,  do things with the kids without your Ex..  Get out
    and enjoy yourself, meet new people, check out the singles file.
    You're not only making it hard for you and the kids by doing things in
    a family style, you're prolonging the hurt.
    
    It'll take a little time to get over the divorce, but you can really
    help yourself by working at it a little bit.
    
    When it happened to me, I tried to hold on too, in every little way
    I could think of, and I tried to justify it by saying it was good for
    the kids.  But, once I really started to like myself, and realized that
    there was a NEW life available to me, it was not difficult to break
    away, and to really enjoy doing things with the kids.
    
    I even ended up thanking my Ex for wanting a divorce. (shocked the ____
    out of her). And ironically, it was she who ended up being left by her
    "friend", and trying to cry on my shoulder.
    
    Your children may always secretly want you two to get together again,
    don't compound it by making them think it's going to happen.
    
    Nils

    Oh boy,
    
    I rekon if I could answer your problem I could probubaly answer most of
    the problems of this world.
    
    Unfortunately the true answer is that there isn't one, what attracts
    people to love is a mystery just as what causes people to stop loving
    is, there is it seems an unambiguous mess of emotions in a person that 
    causes such behaviour, some personal, emotional some to do with the
    behaviours, looks, image etc of the other person.
    
    I believe that when two people form a relationship it is because teh
    make-up/mesh of both form a match, i.e. they compliment each other, but
    over time as one or both of you changes so do your needs and hence you
    rebalance.
    
    Maybe this is what happened with your wife that she changed more than
    you did and hence you are left still loving her while she has moved on
    from that dependancy and now wants your friendship instead.
    
    I'll try and illustrate this a little with a personal example, when I
    was a student I lived with and very much loved a fellow student, we
    were both hippies and very happy/in-love together and those times were
    very special. 
    
    Differance was that she was studying law and had every ambition to go
    on in the legal profession to acquire "status" in society if that is
    the right description, whilst I was much more concerning with aspects
    of life and happiness (I am no longer the hippy but prehaps still have
    a certain thing about being at peace with yourself).
    
    Anyway, cut a long story short, we grew apart and finally broke up, and
    it hurt like hell, not because we didn't seem to have that much in
    common anymore but because we had lost something that had been so
    precious at the time.
    
    What then happened, subconciously at least was realising I couldn't go
    back, I tried, though not directly to re-invent the relationship, but I
    did anyway get drawn to "following her" i.e. aiming for the same type
    of goals, lifestyle etc (which for her became very much materialistic,
    make of car, holiday resort etc). 
    
    What I finally realised though, was that in trying to follow her I was 
    becoming a "fake" i.e. no longer true to myself, and it was that 
    realisation that brought home to me the fact that you can't live in the 
    past or go back to something that was brought about by a co-incidence 
    of needs, and in that we reconcilled a sure and strong friendship.
    
    My advice is obviously to and look at it from that prespective but also
    that as I found with Alison, there will always be somethings that you
    shared that will always remain very special to both of you, a sort of
    common bond, with Alison it was the fun we had growing-up and being
    students together, with you wife it is more than likely the children,
    hence when the two of you do things together with your children try and
    think of it very positively that she is trying to share with you what
    belongs and will continue to belong to both of you, and what she
    believes she can and truely wants to share with you..... don't ask for
    more than that and don't regret not being offered more than that and I
    am sure you life will be a lot more rewarding.
    
    Only my thoughts but I hope it helps
    
    Guy.
     
    

    
    There is (or was) a book around called (succinctly) "How To Fall Out
    of Love".
    
    That is, *if* this is what you want to do.
    
    I'm sure that sounds perverse as you've stated that you want to get
    out of the pain of your current situation, but I believe that none of
    us ever do anything (emotionally or action) unless we're getting
    *some* kind of payoff out of it. Some payoffs are pretty masochistic,
    but they're still payoffs.
    
    Maybe you could ask yourself (maybe with your counsellor?) what you
    are "getting out of" staying "in love" with your ex.
    Reasons that have emerged for me before now in a similar-ish
    situation:-
    - fear of admitting that I really don't have a partner for now
    - fear that I'll never find another mate
    - fear that I'm so unworthy that no-one else will ever want me
    - fear of getting older (linked with attractiveness and stuff)
    
    Maybe the "Fear" string in here might give you some ideas.....
    
    Just my 2c....
    Good luck!
    'gail

    .0  Welcome to the club. Your not alone. I am not through it either. I
    am still not even though the exploratiories of the devorce. It has been
    a year. I got a roomie. He helps, and there is the house cats that
    remind me of my ex and that stinks for I do want the cats and I don't
    have the hart to take them to the shelter. Gotta get rid of things that
    remind you of her. Got to get new friends, that also helps, some of the
    old ones also help. I have been out for din-din more to old friends
    homes than when I was married. Gee??? I wounder if there was a hidden
    message there?? I can't say how much pain it is, I am not exactly in
    your shoes. I am not in the depth of dating like I was before I met the
    future ex. But I know that it is a bear to start over agian. 
    	Like Charlie Darwin may state, there are more neanderthal types
    out there, you were married to one and so was I. So we know better now
    what we don't like and find something that you do like.

    Dear friend,
    I don't know how long you were married, but you cannot undo in a
    short time what took some time to build up.  It is a very painful
    time you are going through as I have been there and many other
    people have been as well.  There is a mourning period or about
    two years like any other loss.  I have a lot of suggestions in
    dealing with this -  Take what you can use and leave the rest.
    Please don't think I am sounding callous or indifferent, because
    I am not.  (1)  There are divorce groups available - very valuable
    if not ready for the social world.  (2) A GOOD therapist is 
    invaluable.  Got me through with flying colors.  (3)  There are
    social groups around.  Lots of them.  (4)  Has this lady made it
    very clear that you will not be together again?  If not, a marriage
    counselor is probably needed.  Finally, when you have your answers
    and you feel up to it, a decision will have to be made.  It took
    me almost 5 yrs. to be able to look at my ex and think of him as
    a "friend".  Wasn't ready before...  There are a lot of people with
    advice out here - but you must take the bull by the horns and go
    with it.  Keeping busy and taking on some new interests or hobbies
    really helps.  Good luck to you - let us know how you do......
    

    Also try to obtain a copy of "How to Survive the Loss of a Love."
    It is an excellent, to-the-point, and easy to read book recommended
    by many therapists.  The messages contained inside are very "right-on."
    It helped me a lot during my grieving period over the divorce.
    
    Best Wishes,
    Barb