Conference quark::human_relations-v1

1081.0. "Coping with the lodgers..." by ARRODS::CARTER (Treat me like I'm a bad girl...) Wed Oct 03 1990 11:11

Back in January I bought out my fiance and took in 3 lodgers to help pay the
mortgage.  At first everything was really great, we all got on reasonable well
and the benefits of having company far outweighed any inconvenience.

Recently I went on holiday with one of the girls and although we didn't
actually fall out we did discover that we expected/wanted different things
out of a holiday.  She wanted a really quiet time, I wanted to go out and
meet lots of people and party.  This wasn't really a problem, once we talked 
about it and got it in the open, we agreed to go our sepereate ways after 
midnight and she would go home early.  The only thing was that I began to 
resent not being able to "party" at our place, because she was always in bed
early and we were sharing a room.  On several occasions I was locked out, 
because I had wanted to spend more time with the people I'd met, whereas if
I'd had my own room we could have gone back earlier and had a drink there...
this is the first holiday that my duty frees didn't get drunk!.

Anyway, although I had a really fabulous time by the time I got back I was
really sick of her, although it sounds silly I couldn't even stand the way
she walked.  This resentment was compounded when she stayed out really late
the night we were going home and so I got no time on my own with the guy I had 
been seeing.  Then in the morning back in the UK she had a go at my brother-in-
law who was picking us up cos he took a detour saying she had planned to go to 
work that afternoon, in fact she had said on the plane she wasn't going to 
bother.

(this is getting petty isn't it??)

I don't know why but since I got back from the holiday I have just wanted some 
"space" (man!) and now I find myself cringing every time theres someone in the 
living room... I have spent loads of time in my room, to some extent sulking
and its just not like me... of all the inhabitants of our house I was the one
who NEVER went to my room, I was always perfectly happy in the living room,  I 
have sort of said "Look guys I'm in a funny mood just now", but I'm going to 
have to kick myself out of this.  Without the lodgers I couldn't afford to 
live there.  And to be honest I don't really want to live on my own - I want to
try to stop this involuntary "oh no, they're in".

The house is really untidy - its got to the stage now it takes so long to do 
basic tidying that theres no time left for anything else.  For example, last 
weekend I decided I really had to tidy the spare room, but by the time I'd 
tidied my room, the kitchen, the living room, I was too knackered and yet to 
start tidying the spare room while the other more "public" rooms were untidy 
went against the grain... this probably sounds very trivial, but its getting 
me down no end... and the main problem is its really my fault, I am the most 
untidy one and I've gotten them into these bad habits... now the problem is
how to get us all out of them???  They are all reasonably OK at the general
washing dishes, cleaning the bath stuff... its the "communual" jobs that are
left - and to be honest I have no inclination to do it either!

I realise this is all fairly trivial stuff, and I'm just having a bad day
(or month??)  but if anyone has any experience of this I'd be grateful.

I think the only thing stopping me from really letting myself get down is 
that I have (this time) recognised that its slipping and (hopefully) caught 
it in time.



Xtine

    
    
    
      When I first read this, I thought how ridiculous but as of yesterday
      I NO longer think so.   I'm going thru almost the same thing with my
      own sister who on top of your problems......is not giving me a dime
      for her expenses!!   I told her earlier this week she had to get out
      or I was throwing her stuff out on the lawn and changing the locks on
      my doors!!   She now thinks I'm a b*tch but I don't give a rip.   She
      has a job making almost as much as I do so she can afford her own 
      place.   BTW, she's in the middle of a messy divorce and I was trying
      to be nice and help out.    WHAT A MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!!
    
    
      Melinda
    

    I do not own, but lodge, and it is difficult on that end as well. 
    Isn't it amazing the amount of trouble we get ourselves in because we
    don't communicate our needs.  Communications sounds like your trouble,
    and I'm afraid that there needs to be some organization too.  Get
    together, talk about anything and everything.  I don't think you are
    some much annoyed at your roommates as yourself at your lack of
    control over your life.  Enlist the help of your roommates to help
    organize the house and make it ship shape.  It's amazing how making 
    things organized makes me feel more in control of things, maybe this
    will help you as well.  Assign duties so that everyone has something to
    contribute.  You sound like you need space as well, are you getting out
    enough? Doing things to take care of yourself?  All of these things
    help.  Above all, do'nt sit back and do nothing, because the anger and
    frustration will only grow and poison your spirit.  Close examination
    of your needs, discussion that is healthy, non defensive and productive
    and then getting it in gear to do your share too will help you to feel
    better and more positive.
    
    Good luck,
    
    stephanie

Boy, was I having a downer when I wrote .0!  I've just re-read it and I can't 
believe it was getting me down so much.

Things are much better now.  I have rearranged my room to make it more 
"liveable".  I've bought a cd/radio/cassette so I don't have to borrow the 
lodgers to play my CDs (my ex took the player, I got the CDs!).  So now if I
want I can go to my room to listen to music/watch tv/make phone calls - and
do you know what? Now I have the choice I hardly ever take it (perverse!).

We've got a cleaner again which helps a lot.

I have also built up a social life again, and coming up to Christmas theres
plenty to do - so life looks good!

Thanks for listening, I think just writing it down helps!



Xtine