Conference quark::human_relations-v1

1072.0. "Love and Relationships" by ROYALT::NIKOLOFF (Changes start with Choices) Tue Sep 18 1990 22:53

from: Body, Mind and Spirit
by Judith Sherven, PH.D and James Sniechowski



XXX 00000                                                       XXXXX 0000

			Loving through the Heart


	"Love thy neighbor as thyself" and "Love thine enemy" are two 
injunctions that confound us with the spiritual necessity  of loving those who
are different from us, Globally, we are faced with this necessity as an 
imperative against nuclear annihilation.  Personally, we are faced with this 
necessity as a means of achieving harmony with our brethren.   And sadly, it
is often those closest to us, our marriage partners, with whose differences
we seem to have the most difficulty.

	We often experience  this difficulty as a painful and confusing polarity
On the one hand, we feel our heart's desire to fully embrace the one we love.
Willingly, the heart opens to welcome the lover without judgment, innocent, and
filled with good will.  At the same time, we know the need to be made secure,
to be assured of our value.  We require that our mates love us in only the ways
that will fulfill our conscious or unconscious expectations.   Any other way is
unacceptable.

	The confusion is compounded by a cultural barrage that insists marriage
be a hot, sizzling romantic love affair - a passionate whirlwind that sweeps us
away.  Yet the same culture praises detached indepen-dence as a primary virtue.

	Joseph Campbell has said, "When people get married because  they think
it's a long-time love affair, they'll be divorced very soon, because all love
affairs end in disappointment.  Marriage is the recognition of spiritual 
identity.  By marrying the right person, we construct the image of the incar-
nate God, and that's what marriage is."

	But, in our daily lives, we are distracted by conflicting demands.
The noise of the world pulls us one way and the yearning of our heart pulls in
an opposite direction.  We become fragmented and our souls suffer. What are we 
to do?  How are we to connect with the right person?

	We find a 'right' mate through the heart -- through a surrender beyond
will or expectation.

	Too often we encounter disappointment in our relationships by willfully
determining what we must have from another.  NO one, other than the person who
fits  our preconceived expectations, will even be considered.  By so doing, we
limit our possibilities and then righteously defend our limits.  But this is
not the heart's way.

	In order for a true relationship to occur, we must be able to disting-
uish between ourselves and our lover.  Carl Jung states that " a relationship
can only take place where the ability to make such distinction exits."

	The heart's desire is to lead to a union of differences, a union in 
which both lovers are able to feel and know themselves as defined individuals,
and are committed to making themselves available to one another emotionally,
intellectually, sexually, and spiritually.   Through the exchange of self we
experience intimacy.  We are intimate with another only, when we are willing 
to make ourselves present and vulnerable.  In other words, intimacy takes two.

	Many of us balk at this notion of the union of differences.  We com-
plain that such a relationship is too hard, too much work.  We imagine that 
once we meet the right mate, our difficulties will be over and we will "live
happily ever after."  This fairy tale myth is so deeply ingrained in our cult-
ture that all too often, when the differences between lovers, married or not,
becomes troublesome, the relationship is determined to be over. There is no
spiritual context to contain and support us through the troubled time.

	Life, however, is a soul school, and marriage is one of its toughest
classes.  Like any tough class, marriage stretches, us and requires that we
bring the best we have to make it work.  Marriage requires heart.  Marriage
requires understanding.  The fact that differences exist is simply one of the
lessons to be embraced.

	In order to be successful in marriage, we must acknowledge our mate's
right to exist with attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors different from our own.
Rather than wrong, stupid or ridiculous, we must learn to see our spouse as 
a singular, unalike, and personal, while, simultaneously, being just as 
meritorious and valuable as we are.

	Once we move beyond our need to be secure, our need to be right, we 
can surrender to the nature of marriage.  We surrender not to our partner.  
That would mean giving up our own identity, and thereby negating the possibil-
ity of intimacy.  We surrender, rather, to the relationship -- in which each
member is recognized as distinct, honored as valuable, and celebrated as 
unique.  If we do so the sacred union shall live in " the image of the incarnate
God."

	Finally, as we go into the world looking for a mate, the process of 
dating should be considered practice -- that is, a process through which we
present our authenticity to another and note how we are received.  Dating is
then not so much aimed at searching for someone to fulfill our expectations, but
rather, becomes a way to enlarge our capacity to accept the differences between
self and other.

	As we are able to be honest about who we are, rather than hiding and
trying to please "them" we become increasingly able to accept the truth about
others.  That does not mean we choose someone with whom we are not compatible.
It means that, when we openly make ourselves present and available, we can 
receive and be received by someone with whom our heart will sing.  And then we
will know -- this is the right one.

    Ethics and principles help a lot in making the right choices that keep
    the marriage going... we tend to follow the heart and might become a
    bit "off the track" of married life... but our own principles tell us
    that THAT is not right... we shouldn't do it... we should be FAITHFUL
    to our spouse... and I we FOLLOW that we might, just might avoid a
    mistake. It makes a lot of sense, if not, why are there so many
    divorces? and so many repetitions of a marriage? In my hunble opinion,
    if a person is very faithful to good standards and good principles that
    person has a very high possibility of committing less mistakes than a
    person without those principles...
    Of course, nothing is foolprof, things work for some, and don't for
    others. It did work for me though... I've lived a lot, in many places,
    moved many times, knew many new people, made tons of friends... but my
    marriage did not suffer from any of those changes, the faith was there,
    the trust was there, and principles were there to make sure I did not
    fail... I just followed my instints ...and it worked. (26 years is a
    good "trial" time I guess)

THANK YOU, ROYALT::NIKOLOFF, for posting this article!

Regards, Don

	You are most welcome Don.   It certainly made me sit up and
think about a few things.

	Meredith

Meredith,

.0>	In order to be successful in marriage, we must acknowledge our mate's
.0> right to exist with attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors different from our own.
.0> Rather than wrong, stupid or ridiculous, we must learn to see our spouse as 
.0> a singular, unalike, and personal, while, simultaneously, being just as 
.0> meritorious and valuable as we are.

.0>	Once we move beyond our need to be secure, our need to be right, we 
.0> can surrender to the nature of marriage.  We surrender not to our partner.  
.0> That would mean giving up our own identity, and thereby negating the possibil-
.0> ity of intimacy.  We surrender, rather, to the relationship -- in which each
.0> member is recognized as distinct, honored as valuable, and celebrated as 
.0> unique.

These two paragraphs, to me, were the most eloquent.  Not only do they apply to
marriage but to human relationships in general.  If the ideas presented here 
could be ingrained in all peoples, think of how quickly we could arrive at the
basic "truths" for which we all seek...

Regards, Don

                         -< Why this is good stuff... >-

>> These two paragraphs, to me, were the most eloquent.  Not only do they apply to
>> marriage but to human relationships in general.  If the ideas presented here 
>> could be ingrained in all peoples, think of how quickly we could arrive at the
>> basic "truths" for which we all seek...



	Oh, how  right you are, my friend.  I do believe that there are some
people that have the 'inner knowing' (self-esteem, self-love) to project this
outwardly.  It is for those people to be tolerant and point the way..

	thank you for point that out..

	Meredith

    Meridith,
    
    My thanks also for this article.  It really made me analyze my behavior
    of the past few weeks/months/years!!!.....

    	Nice to see that you're still around...
    
    				Linda Watson (from a past life)

re.-1    >> Linda Watson (from a past life)

	WOW, WHAT A SURPRISE!....Hi Lady!

	Yeah, I am still around....Nice to hear from you...and thank
you very much.

	I will write...oh, by the way, we are planning a 10 th year 
	reunion...8^)

	love,

	Mikki