Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    George,
    
    You know, I had much the same problem....and I am 4'10" [grin]
    I still do occasionally, but not anywhere near as much as I used to.
    
    What I had to admit about myself was that, because I so loved the
    spoken word and my own enthusiasm, I sometimes did not give people
    enough time and space to interact with me on their own terms.
    *I* shut them out...they didn't want to compete....so they didn't.
    
    What I did was....I learned to look and listen.
    
    I now try to really see how people are reacting...[watching people can
    really be fun]...I have learned to tell quite quickly which folks can
    roll with the witty one-liners and which cannot; and I do not talk
    that way with the ones that do not.
    
    And I learned to hear what people were saying, not just be quiet while
    they talked....there's a big difference. I used to pause while I
    thought of what next to say...giving people a chance to talk in the
    space...but not really listen that their words were suggesting a change
    in topic or attack to a discussion.
    
    Anyway...I found those two things were true about *me*. It may not
    apply to you...but in my case...looking and listening worked. I have
    not stopped the witty reparte...nor the hooting and hollering [as some
    of the HR crowd can attest to] but I do it now with people who can play
    the same game....not with folks who don't.
    
    I'm not doing them a favor...I'm doing me one. Now I have more people
    from which I can get ideas and feedback. Sure, the ones that
    communciate the same way I do easiest are my better friends, but I was
    surprised at what the 'other' folks had to offer when I just slowed
    down long enough to listen to it.
    
    Good luck, George....I *love* tall men! [grin]
    
    Melinda
    
    

    
    George,
    
    I don't think you're crazy....
    
    Sounds like there are two separate "features" that you have that
    influence the way that people react to you. One you may change or
    choose to express intermittantly (your use of words), and the other
    you can't do anything about (your height).
    
    I think it's unfair that some tall individuals (or people with other
    distictive physical characteristics) should end up penalised because
    of other people's instinctive reactions - but that's the way it
    is. I'm slightly more nervous around tall men (and women) - I enlarge
    my "body space" area when I'm near them, and it takes me longer
    to get comfortable with them. Maybe it's a primal throwback or
    something to subconsciously recognising another human who could
    overpower you if they wanted to......
    Anyway, I choose to stay aware that I react like this and therefore
    control it. I consciously try not to project it back onto the "tall
    guy". I'm not sure that you can do anything to make other react
    more comfortably apart from be aware of *why* they react like that
    and keep an eye on your body language until you know them quite
    well. I know that must feel like a constraint for you...
    
    Re: words. I like playing with them too - I'm an English graduate,
    and I've always enjoyed the language. As in .1, I listen more than
    I talk when I first meet someone, and judge through the way that
    they express themselves how comfortable they're likely to be with
    my mode of expression. Active listening seems to hold the key.
    
    'gail

    This sounds corny but it may be a helpful suggestion... and being
    considered "tall" ('gail can attest to that) I sometimes have a
    simular problem.  My one advantage of it though is I have a slender
    frame and thus don't appear to be too "overpowering".
    
    Anyhow,  there is a commercial used by Kaiser Medical to promote
    there services.  It involves a Doctor who is 6'4" tall.  He walks
    into a room and states how tall he is and how he played football
    in college and his size and height were intimadating and a great
    advantage to a football player.  However, when treating children
    it can be extremely intimadating... "So the first thing I do is
    bend down to there level and speak in a very soft voice."  I realize
    that you can't always maintain eyelevel contact with a person, but
    control of verbal qualities can lesson the impact of your sheer
    size... I find it much easier to relax with someone larger then
    me if they speak with a gental voice, somehow attributing the gental
    qualities of there voice to the actual personality.  That doesn't
    mean control what you say or how you present it... it means toning
    down the tone qualities themselves... speaking softer, with slightly
    less emotional emphasis in your words then others speak with. 
    
    I admit it's a shame that outwardly appearences are the first thing
    a person responds to.  I observed it when my friends would first
    meet my father, (He was 6'1" 240 lbs. his arms are 1/2 inch shy
    of being as big around as my upper legs are).  When they first met
    him you could see the concern in there eyes about his size.  But
    his gental tone and mannerisms would soon put them at ease and once
    that was accomplished he could joke or use his sharp wit without
    fear of intimidating them.  
    
    I don't know if this will work for you or not, All I can use as
    a "proof" is it worked for my father, that isn't much proof but
    it might be something to consider when first meeting someone.
    
    Skip
    

    George,
    
    	There is a whole section in the Flex note files SELECT::FLEX.
    There is a problem with many of us who are big like this and lift
    weights! That can really complicate things. There advantages to it, and
    disadvantages. You have brought up the disadvantage part. If you think
    of the advantages, you can handicap the disadvantage. Thus being a
    normal mortal as we all are on this planet. Well some of anyhow...
    
    Signed Another Tall George
    George