Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    
    Can't be done. Don't take the job.
    
    You can't teach someone to raise their "empathy".
    
    

    Ah, but you can; it just takes a good example, some sincere effort, and
    about two decades (or more) of practice.
    
    My sensitivity and empathy was raised through the example of a very
    good friend.  Both traits were lacking (really nearly absent) in my
    childhood home.  But as an adult I met a very sensitive and empathetic
    individual who displayed these traits in every encounter.  I liked the
    way I felt when around her and decided to try to adopt the outward
    appearance of her sensitivity.  It's now been 16+ years, and I've found
    that the outward practice of sensitivity has slowly but surely led to
    the inward feeling of sincere concern for others.  Sure, I slip back
    into my old, insensitive ways at times (sometimes accidently, sometimes
    consciously), but I like myself best when I'm wearing my sensitive and
    empathetic disguise.
    
    Good luck to both of you.
    
    Karen                      

There are often courses offered that can help with this.  The courses deal
more generally in interpersonal relationships, and go under various titles.
The one I took was called "Positive Power and Influence".  Many of the
ideas and techniques taught in these courses can be helpful in gaining
sensitivity.

But that's only a part of the story.  It takes a genuine willingness to learn,
and often what is sometimes called "The 2x4 Method"  (where you take a big
board and figuratively whack someone in the head until they come to their
senses - in reality, this means it often takes some rude shocks before we
sit up and understand that we had BETTER learn how to be sensitive or else
we're going to be in for a rough time later on.)

To me, the biggest aid in learning sensitivity is to force oneself to listen
to what others are saying.  To put the focus of the converstion on them, not
you.  And to use a technique such as "active listening" (from the P.E.T.
book, for example) where you respond to someone with your understanding of
what you heard them say (not just parroting their words back.)  This will
quickly get you on the right track.

It CAN be done.  But the person has to truly want to learn.

				Steve

    RE: .0
    
    In my experience, some things happen just by wanting them to happen,
    and this is one of them. One of the nice things about life is that
    if you want to become a better person, you will, without trying.
    
    Eileen
    
    

    Re: .4
    
    Most people either think they *are* a better person or don't understand
    how they could become a better person, and I know many people who
    continually struggle with the issue of "I really don't know what
    I am doing wrong".
    
    Many years ago someone said to me, "I don't hate anybody, I am unable
    to hate", which to be is a bit like saying "I can't hate, I can
    only understand", and how many people can honestly say that about
    all the experiences in their life's (certainly its something I still have a 
    lot of trouble with).
    
    To me though, that "goal" of being able to underdstand, is something
    that I try and maintain continually on the horizon of life and work towards, and
    often it appears to be the key to forgiveness, and to becoming
    a better and wiser person.
    
    As regards overall sensitivity,I believe that like anything really, its 
    always hard to find the right balance, somepeople are to sensitive and
    others show to little sensitivity.
    
    I don't believe you can teach people to be sensitive, but you can
    help them to understand, and learn from experience, and that inturn
    will help them perfect their sensitivity.
    
    That's all from me folks !
    

    
    Doesn't it hit you that just in asking someone else to help you
    become more sensitive and empathetic is just another way of not
    being sensitive and empathetic yourself?  Like trying to put the
    burden on someone else.
    
    Or, maybe by asking to become more sensitive and empathetic could
    mean that you already are????
    
    I'm confusing even myself...
    
    
    jean

    
    
    There is a very old Zen saying:
    
    	There is not such thing as teaching; there is only learning!
    
    This, I think, is really worth thinking about.
    
    bj
    

    RE: .6
    
         No, you may have something there.  It appears to me that asking
    someone to help you be sensitive may be as difficult as asking someone
    to help you to be kind.  A more logical path to take might be to find
    someone you consider to be a sensitive person, and observe them.  Pay
    attention to ways that person handles situations and consider the
    differences between their choices and the choices YOU might make. 
    Those differences may be the chasm you need to cross in order to become
    more sensitive, yourself.
    
                                     Greg

    
    
    "sensitivity/empathy" by selective perception ?
    
     What if Attila the Hun, Ivan, Jack the Ripper..were empathetic people ?

    I can only share from experience.  I used to be sensitive to almost
    every type of criticism around "me" and void of feelings whenever someone
    else was hurt or grieving.  But, that's all changed now.  I really love
    myself and am not as self-centered as I used to be.  Therefore, when
    someone else is in pain, I can be there for them.  But, I don't have to
    take on their pain.  I still have to take care of myself.
    
    I didn't learn this through books.  This has taken me about 6 years to
    get to this point in my life.  I used to feel that if people open their
    mouths about something, they were complaining.  Now I see it as people
    just venting and I don't have to fix their problems nor take them
    personally.
    
    I feel it is a gift to be able to share joy and pain and have tears. 
    There are people who have no ability what-so-ever to respond to the 
    feelings that others are expressing.  They just don't have it inside 
    them to give.  I had no love to give to others (empathy) because I 
    didn't know how to love myself.  You can't give away what you don't 
    have.
    
    Whatever you have to offer, you will.  Do the best you can but first
    and foremost, learn to take care of yourself before giving anything 
    away to others (I know, I did this, and had nothing left inside and 
    I wanted to die).
    
    I am happy living life now.   Cathy

Re: .5 by CHEFS::EASTERBROOK,

>    Most people either think they *are* a better person or don't
>    understand how they could become a better person, and I know
>    many people who continually struggle with the issue of "I
>    really don't know what I am doing wrong". 

The week long 'Human Interaction Lab', given by NTL, deals with
exactly that sort of view. The stated object of the lab is to help
people realize how they are perceived by others. The outcome is a
much heightened perception of others by each of the participants
(which is another way of saying they achieve 'sensitivity' and
'empathy'). 

I took this lab about 6 years ago. The last day was a heart
wrenching affair. Grown men cried like babies and swore to 'stay in
touch' forever. One of the guys hugged me fiercely (wetting my shirt
with his tears) and sobbed, "You're a **good** man, Ronnie" which
goes to show just how effective the whole thing was. Penny (the only
other cynic in the group, not counting myself) also gave me a warm,
body-length hug, which to this day I remember as one of the
highlights of that week.

I was sure the whole thing --while interesting-- had no profound
affect on me, but on the very next day, my daughter remarked, "Well,
what do you know... My dad is going mellow...". 

Whatever effect the lab had, it completely evaporated very quickly.
I soon reverted to my old insensitive self, which I probably always
be. So did one other person I know. None of the people who swore to
call ever did. I called no one. Years later, I met in Monte Carlo a
Deccie (from another group in the lab) and while he greeted me
warmly, I felt he was just a tiny bit embarrassed. 

So, while I am not saying that others will duplicate my experience,
I tend to think that sensitivity cannot be learned, acquired or
retained for long. I hope I am wrong.

-- Ron 

I agree with several of the others who said that sensitivity cannot be taught,
but will add that *in*sensitivity can be pointed out.  Many people who are 
viewed as insensitive are simply unaware that someone might have taken offense
at their remarks/actions.  While it's almost impossible to *never* offend 
anyone, if you're constantly offending or being misunderstood by people (or by
some person, or by a certain type or class of people, say, minorities, partners,
subordinates, authority figures...), there's probably something in the way you 
deal with them that isn't working.  

The problem, as mentioned, usually lies in figuring out just what that 
"something" is. :-)  

Observing someone you view as sensitive, and how your styles differ, is one way 
of finding this out.  Another way is to discuss various real or hypothetical
situations with someone who does this, and ask them for some insight into what 
went wrong, or how the other person may have perceived your actions.  It helps 
if the person can actually observe some of the situations, not just hear your 
side of it (after all, your perceptions may be part of the problem!)  

Courses and seminars can offer this - while you're there - through role-playing 
and interactions, but this often doesn't provide the ongoing support and 
reminders many of us need to maintain new attitudes.  Friends or people you're 
normally involved with are a better source of help.  Sounds like this is what
your friend is looking for, 'gail, though it may be more stressful to your 
friendship for them to hear such "criticism" from you, their friend....

The final trick, though, for sensitivity or empathy is that one needs to learn 
to really *feel* that way, not just go through the "correct" actions.  It's very 
hard to change longstanding habits - and equally hard to change longstanding 
attitudes.  But both can be changed, given time, work, and the ongoing 
commitment to do it.  Best of luck to your friend!
		Helen

    
    There's another way to look at it.  The old way (as mentioned already):
    
    	I became sensitive.  But it didn't last.  The course wore off
    	quickly.
    
    The new way to look at it:
    
    	We all need and benefit from coaching.  Just as a basketball
    	player needs continual coaching to stay on top, so do we all.
    
    	Sure, courses, books, therapy, exercises, meetings, can "wear off".
    
    	But that doesn't mean their affects are non-genuine.
    
    	Instead, we just need continual coaching with more courses,
    	therapy, books etc.
    
    As they say, "keep coming back, it works".
    
    Personally, I've had experience with all the following:  personal
    therapy, est training, Digital's core training or Individual
    Effectiveness Training, group therapy, 12-step meetings.
    
    Some parts have worn off.  Some parts have stuck.  But the going back
    and doing one of them over again always pays off.
    
    /Eric
    	

    
>    I've been asked by a friend to help them raise their perceptiveness
>    - their sensitivity to all those little vibes that some people seem
>    to pick up on more easily than others - and I am at a loss as to
>    where to start! "Field exercises"? "Practice on a victim"?? :-}



    	I think it's a matter of pointing things out to this person again
    and again and again.  I think eventually they will start to pick up on
    these situations on their own.


    	To me, sensivity is very closely related to awareness.  And
    awareness is something that I think can be improved, depending on the
    person's attitude and motivation.


    	It won't be easy or quick, though.


    Brian
    

>  .0 "Field exercises"? "Practice on a victim"?? :-}
    
Field exercise #1.  

With your friend, watch "real life" interview shows where
the folks are discussing sensitive subjects, like obesity,
selfishness, affairs with the minister,
why-I-beat-my-children.  When you think what someone says is
not in harmony with their words, compare your interpretation
of what they are really feeling to your friend's reaction. 

I still remember the show where a woman spoke of how violent
her son was ... hit his teachers, punched a police officer,
stole cars, on and on.  Word by word, she was sad and
logical, but she spoke with a sort of grin or glee that didn't
match the words at all. It was a long interview ... and the
grin only appeared when speaking of her son's violence. 


Field exercise #2.  

Do the same thing in a restaurant, supermarket, or the cafe.    
(Seems to me it's easiest to practice by interpreting 
strangers than friends or coworkers.)


Field exercise #3.  Solo Practice.

Listen to talk radio. Sally Jesse Raphael and Bruce Williams
have lots of callers who can't hear what is being said 
because it is not what they want to hear.

    Meigs
    
    I find your examples interesting..
    
    A number of years ago my husband was watching a tv talk show where
    the woman speaking was shaking her head no as she firmly verbally
    indicated the truth of what she was saying.
    
    Wish I could remember more of the deails.
    
    Bonnie

    Listening skills can be taught. Lots of marriage councelors teach
    people how to communicate. That's most of it, right there.
    
    Also, back in the 70's there were a couple of books written about 
    body language. They could help you understand non-verbal cues.
    
    Kate

    Hmmm, sensitivity is being sensitive to anothers feelings or sensing
    those feelings.  Empathy is feeling the same or being able to reflect
    those feelings back at the person in a way which is allowing you
    to relate to there feelings.
    
    In either case, the trick is to communicate first... learn the feelings
    and the reasons for the feelings... look for the signs and signals
    that intake the feelings (the obvisouse ones are tears, smiles,
    frowns, blushing... etc.  the less obvisous ones are body language,
    verbal tones, and "personal traits"... such as when I am angry I
    tend to form my left hand into a fist causing the knuckles to crack
    loudly)  These are part of learning to be senstive to someone. 
    
    Empathy is actually being able to place yourself inside the other
    person and feeling there emotions.  To do it you have to understand
    what is being felt and be able to "sense" the emotions using the
    senstivities that are developed.  When you see someone who is sad
    ideally you would want to know the motivation of there sadness,
    the causes both present and from there past that makes them sad
    at present. Not always being able to do that (except with someone
    you are close to) the best you can do is reflect on something that
    makes yourself sad... feel the emotion and then holding it in check
    use it while discussing issues with the other person.  
    
    All in all the trick is to see the world through the other persons
    eyes... understand how they look at it and putting yourself into
    there focal point... exchanging places, if you will, with them and
    viewing the world through there experiences and past instead of
    your own.  It takes a lot of patience and understanding to do it
    especially if it is something you want to develope with one person
    in particular.  Experience tends to create a lot of empathy... 
    I hold a lot of empathy for the homeless because for a while I didn't
    have a home either, living on the streets and surviving on my wits...
    I have a lot of empathy for the hungry because I've gone without
    food for a long period of time once.  I have a lot of empathy for
    a friend of mine who just seperated from his wife... because I am
    divorce and can recall those feelings and frustrations to mind when
    I sit and talk with him.  
    
    I don't know if this helps or even if it's what you are looking
    for, but it's the best I can do.  I've learned to be empathetic
    by mentally placing myself in the other's shoes.  You start with
    those things you have as your own experiences and eventually with
    a little imagination you can learn to do it with things you don't
    have personal experiences to draw on. 
    
    Hope this helps,
    Skip

>    A number of years ago my husband was watching a tv talk show where
>    the woman speaking was shaking her head no as she firmly verbally
>    indicated the truth of what she was saying.
    
How's this for a tv special in close listening.  
Combine the before and after film clips:

b e f o r e                              after

hitler declaring his desire for peace    after the invasion of Poland
bush  "no taxes"                          "taxes"
johnson "we will not ask american boys... "we ask american boys"
dita beard "no no no "                    "I did it"
a lot of us "I didn't do it"              "You have it on film?"

MMmmmmm can any jurors in this file talk about what they heard 
vs what they *really* heard?

 Meigs

    
    Re .18
    
    (Hi Skip :-)
    
    I enjoyed your response - that is the kind of "sensitivity" that
    my professes to wish to learn. Still taking ideas......
    
    'gail