| Title: | What's all this fuss about 'sax and violins'? |
| Notice: | Archived V1 - Current conference is QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS |
| Moderator: | ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI |
| Created: | Fri May 09 1986 |
| Last Modified: | Wed Jun 26 1996 |
| Last Successful Update: | Fri Jun 06 1997 |
| Number of topics: | 1327 |
| Total number of notes: | 28298 |
The following topic has been contributed by a member of our community
who wishes to remain anonymous. If you wish to contact the author by
mail, please send your message to QUARK::HR_MODERATOR, specifying the
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your name attached unless you request otherwise.
Steve
My husband has children from a previous marriage, whom we see on a
fairly regular basis of every other weekend. My problem is not so
much with the children, as it is with the living hell of dealing
with his ex-wife.
He was married to her for over 10 years, and actually left her for me.
The first few years were pure misery in terms of dealing with her
around the divorce, visitation issues, and finances. In all fairness to
him, he's more than met his financial commitments (gave her their
house, lock stock and barrel), and never been late or remiss on his
monthly payments. And he makes consistent efforts to be a part of the
kids' lives.
She, on the other hand, has consistently made life difficult all
around. The kids are forbidden to discuss their lives, home, etc. with
my husband or me. When she was told (by him) that we were getting
married, she refused to speak to him for over a year, and gave the kids
a lot of the verbal heat she was feeling. Same thing when we got
pregnant with _our_ first child -- the kids bore the brunt of her
anger/frustration/bitterness. Moreover, she has consistently used the
kids as intermediary about money matters ("mom says I can't do this
because you won't give her more $", or "Mom wants to know why you
haven't sent the check yet").
Eleven years of a strained situation are coming to a head. The eldest
child is really acting out -- she's pretty antisocial and immature,
lacks confidence, sporadically bedwets (and her pants) at age 15, has
problems academically, lies about a whole slew of things, and has begun
taking things (pictures from me, a camera from a friend).
My husband continually feels that he has no power in this situation,
since she is the custodial parent. He has asked before to get the child
into therapy, and it happens for a while, then stops ("Mom doesn't have
the time"). We have finally asked her to consider having the oldest
come and live with us for year to give her a chance to start over
academically, and to get my husband and his daughter into counseling.
It's questionable whether she will agree to this. It's even more
questionable what another alternative would be, since I've had it up to
here with battling about this, and my husband is at his wit's end
about what else to do.
My apologies for being longwinded -- the bottom line, to me, is that
there is a whole lot of unresolved stuff between my husband and his ex,
in terms of how they deal with each other and work as "adults" in doing
what's best for the kids. I honestly believe that this needs to be put
to rest.
How have other divorced fathers handled this type of thing?
Thanks...
| T.R | Title | User | Personal Name | Date | Lines |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1017.1 | HPSTEK::BOURGAULT | Wed Jun 06 1990 15:20 | 15 | ||
Dear Anon,
I'm not a divorced father, rather a divorced mother. It takes two
adults to behave in adult manners to keep things on an even keel for
the sake of the children. And it takes work!
What prompted my reply to this note was the section about the
bedwetting and pant wetting. From family experience I ask you for the
sake of that teenage girl, get her to a urologist. Please. It may
well be that it is psychological, however, there is also a very strong
possibility it could be physical.
Faith
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| 1017.2 | children always suffer... | DUGGAN::MAHONEY | Wed Jun 06 1990 16:03 | 17 | |
It is scary...frightening, sad, to suddenly lose a mom or a dad to a
divorce and gaining a new "mom" or "dad" thru a re-marry, that must be
very traumatic a any child. It seems that your husband's ex was in
love with her husband when she took his second marriage so badly...
emotions are hard to explain. Adults do know what they do, but in the
mayority of situations the adults are not the ones to suffer, but the
children... they are the ones who really suffer their parents actions
whatever they are. The girl shows sphychological problems, and due to
her age, could also have physical ones, please take her to a doctor, he
will advise the best course to take.
I hope your husband ex accepts facts and mends her wounds... she sounds
like a very bitter person to me... The three of you should do your best
to the kids, leaving behind any personal animosity... they are so
important! they are the future... how will they lead a good life if
they are hurt and confused at such an early age?
I honestly wish you well.
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| 1017.3 | Good luck | SHAPES::STOCKWELLS | Fri Jun 08 1990 11:27 | 46 | |
This note struck a chord with me although I am not married, or a
parent. The reason being that my parents divorced when I was 10 - that
was not the problem, even though my Dad left Mum for another woman,
they never argued in front of me or my younger sister, Mum never
said anything terrible about my Dad, and never restricted our visits to
him ... ever. I think we were VERY lucky here. My parents are both
remarried and we get on with both step-parents.
However, my Mum has had a similar problem to you with my step-dad's
ex-wife. She has been awful in the past, and has turned my
step-sisters against my Mum. She is forever telling them that my
step-dad spends all his money on us, and none on them etc .. to the
point that they even ask is how much our birthday/Christmas presents
cost! They virtually ignore my Mum if they visit, and are generally
rude. In actual fact, if only they knew, Mum goes to great pains to
treat us all the same.
The situation is different as they are respectively 19 and 22, and so
looking after themselves. However, I know how hurt my Mum has been by
their (and my step-dad's ex-wife's) behaviour and I can really
sympathise with you.
Also, my fiance's ex made life hell for us for a while - they had no
children and were not married but although I was not the cause of the
splitting up, once we got together she decided that she wanted him back
and set out to make life miserable once she realised that he wasn't
going.
She used to tell lies about me, and things I had supposedly said, to
mutual friends, and sent a load of sentimental pictures of the two of
them together, cards that he had given her in the past etc round to our
house. She also used to phone him at work to try to get him to meet
her, and go mad when he refused, calling *me* all the names under the
sun.
We were helped by a great mutual friend who talked to her and made her
realise how awful she was being. Maybe your husband has a friend who
could do the same? Although we have not heard much from her recently,
we are getting married next week and I'm half afraid that she'll turn
up at the church.
I wish you all the luck in the world getting this sorted out...
Sam
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| 1017.4 | CSSE32::M_DAVIS | Marge Davis Hallyburton | Sun Jun 10 1990 10:17 | 11 | |
re .0:
I was in a very similar situation, and my husband and I went to EAP.
Essentially, the counselor told me to keep out of it, to let my husband
(now -ex) deal with his ex. I tried to create an environment for the
kids on the weekends when they visited that was supportive, but non-
indulgent. Now that their dad and I are divorced, I still see the
kids; he rarely does. Life takes funny turns.
write if you'd like,
Marge
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| 1017.5 | Two other conferences . . . | RDVAX::COLLIER | Bruce Collier | Mon Jun 18 1990 13:14 | 4 |
This kind of problem is the prime focus of two other conferences,
namely DLOACT::BLENDED_FAMILIES and CSC32:NON_CUSTODIAL_PARENTS.
- Bruce
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