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Conference quark::human_relations-v1

Title:What's all this fuss about 'sax and violins'?
Notice:Archived V1 - Current conference is QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS
Moderator:ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI
Created:Fri May 09 1986
Last Modified:Wed Jun 26 1996
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:1327
Total number of notes:28298

1012.0. "Remember The Stepford Wives?" by ORMAZD::REINBOLD () Tue May 22 1990 20:37

Remember the movie, "The Stepford Wives"?  I don't remember all the nitty gritty
detail, but as I recall the men of the community got together, and did a 
"remake" of their wives.  They came out appearing very robot-like, but did all
the things that good wives were supposed to do.  They just lost their ability
to be individuals and think for themselves, and had no emotions.  (Or did the
men kill the wives, and replace them with robots?  doesn't matter...)

The point is, their wives did everything they were supposed to do, but lacked
emotions; they were "perfect", yet robot-like.  The elements of a close
personal relationship, of romance didn't exist.  There was no give and take.
But all the other traditional roles of the wife were filled to a tee.
They were the "ideal" wives.

How would you react to being in a relationship like this?  Imagine you're you,
and your spouse or SO is a "Stepford Spouse."  Would you just accept the good,
and be grateful?  Would you miss their quirks?  Would the absence of feelings
on their part drive you crazy?  Would it make you happy?  Is this really the
ideal?
T.RTitleUserPersonal
Name		DateLines
1012.2Programmed to obeyAIADM::MALLORYI am what I amWed May 23 1990 08:397
    
    I for one, would NOT be interested in having a Stepford Wife, although
    I was once in a position where I was expected to be a "Stepford
    Husband". That's no fun either...
    
    wes
1012.3RE: .12B::ZAHAREEMichael W. ZahareeWed May 23 1990 11:314
    In the first movie they created "robot" replacements.  In the second,
    "Revenge of the Stepford Wives", they used drugs.
    
    - M
1012.4There are Too Many AlreadyHENRYY::HASLAM_BACreativity UnlimitedWed May 23 1990 16:3517
    Having been the equivalent of a "Stepford Wife," I can say it was
    a period that I'd sooner forget.  I was to show no emotion that
    was not compatible with what my husband wanted/needed/desired/insisted
    upon.  I was expected to anticipate every need before it was expressed,
    and to NEVER question anything he did, but to totally acquiesce
    and concur with his wishes.  I tried to NOT feel anything, but it
    didn't do much good.  If I failed, which, according to my "husband
    (read lord and master), I did with some degree of frequency, he
    was "forced" to beat the living sh*t out of me--also with a great
    degree of regularity, and I was expected to be grateful that his
    expertise in the martial arts permitted him to cause me the most
    amount of pain with the least amount of damage.  Lucky me!
                                
    As for being a "Stepford wife" again, no thanks!  Never again...
                                  
    Barb
1012.5Next question...ORMAZD::REINBOLDWed May 23 1990 20:4320
So, if you have a sort of Stepford Spouse, what do you do about it?  You hardly
have much room for complaint if they are bordering on ideal - they're honest,
considerate, and responsible, but just aren't expressive.  How can you justify 
being dissatisfied if you have a basically perfect spouse, but you don't get 
what you need emotionally?  Doesn't it seem rather stupid to throw away a 
basically sound relationship with someone who provides most major elements of 
what you want in a life with someone?  The most important parts?  And shares 
the same basic values you build your life around?  Especially when no one else 
has even come close.  If all that is too important to throw away, then what 
do you do?

Isn't your perception of your desirability likely to drop if your own spouse 
isn't romantically expressive?  If they don't show enthusiasm for you, but
don't get enthused about anything else, either, should you feel badly?
If they say they want to be with you, but don't often fit you into their 
schedule, or request time alone with you, how do you feel about that?  
What do you do about needing warmth and closeness when the other person 
doesn't even seem to notice it's missing?  When you've tried to work on this 
for 2 years, and nothing changes, what do you do?
1012.6good beginning, but where from here ?HANNAH::OSMANsee HANNAH::IGLOO$:[OSMAN]ERIC.VT240Thu May 24 1990 18:4729
    
    You aren't making sense.  You start by saying spouse is "bordering on
    the ideal".
    
    Then you go on to say all the ways in which you fell unfulfilled, such
    as:
    
    o	spouse doesn't show enthusiasm
    
    o	spouse isn't romantic
    
    o	spouse won't fit you into their schedule
    
    o	spouse doesn't notice warmth and closeness is missing
    
    o	nothing changes in 2 years
    
    This hardly sounds like "bordering on ideal" to me.
    
    
    I'd say, wake up and smell the coffee.  (I just heard that expression
    for the first time the other day; I like it !)
    
    There's lots of work to be done on this relationship, on your life. 
    I'm glad you're starting to do that work by sharing with some other
    people.  Feel free to send me mail if some of the issues you don't want
    to discuss in this public forum.                             
    
    /Eric
1012.7CADSE::GLIDEWELLWow! It's The Abyss!Sun May 27 1990 16:3410
> .0
> .. did all the things that good wives were supposed to do.  

Yes, the stepford wives did all the things a good maid
or butler does.  But I can't think of anyone in history 
or fiction who fell in love with the maid or butler for 
their "professional" qualities.

I think -1 did a good text analysis of the basewriter's 
comments.