Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    I would offer only one piece of advice:
    
    Remember that when writing, you lack the ability to soften or adjust
    the intent of your words with the raise of an eyebrow, or the touch of
    a hand. We rely extensively on our body "language" to help convey the
    exact meaning of our oft-times inexact words. One does not have that
    help-mete in a purely electronic media.
    
    So...
    
    Never REPLY/NOEDIT. Always, write your response, edit it, let it sit
    for a while, re-read it,...then send it.
    
    I have never regretted a message I have taken the time to do the above
    to...I have regretted the 'tone' or lack of polish of several I have
    sent "off the cuff"
    
    Melinda
    

	VAX Notes etiquette is discussed in the HUMAN::ETIQUETTE
	conference

VAX NOTES Etiquette             HUMAN::ETIQUETTE                          775

	You may also want to take a look at the usenet "newusers"
	guidelines, for example,

Subject: Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette  (Updated: 22 Dec )
Subject: Hints on writing style for Usenet  (Updated: 6 March 1989)

	I can forward copies of the latter.

	Dan

    	The invention of the smiley face was what saved me.  I grew up in a
    family which joked/teased with each other extensively (we still do).
    Many times I joke/tease with someone without even thinking (which can
    be trouble at times) about it.  Melinda is right, in normal conversation
    people see the twinkle in my eyes and the smile on my face and know
    that I'm not serious.  In mail, you don't have that so I use the smiley
    face (I have even incorporated a button in my editor which prints out
    two spaces and then the smiley -- it's been a real time-saver!).


    	I have also learned that it's usually best not to try to discuss
    serious subjects in mail -- it's simply way too easy to take something
    the wrong way.  For subjects approaching the semi-serious stuff, I do
    what Melinda does -- I reply/edit/extract, write carefully, and reread
    it at least a couple times.


    Brian

    	I'm not sure this note is really the place for this, but I
    think it sorta fits so....

    	I was thinking about notes and electronic communication and
    people this weekend.  One thing I think it's important to remember 
    is that not everyone is what they seem to be electronically.  You 
    have to be careful when writing/responding to someone you don't
    know.  It's really a tough one to call sometimes.  Most people are
    truly sincere, but there are some people out there who aren't.  
    There are people who are looking for attention and sympathy and
    doing it electronically is an easy way to do it.  (This kinda
    crosses a few notes here - the "me me me" topic, electronic
    friendships, notes personas, etc.)

    	I think I've been rather fortunate - I've made some very
    special friends stemming from notes.  Granted, I've met most of
    them in person as well, and have had lengthy discussions with them
    face to face, as well as in mail/notes.  Meeting them allows me to
    know a bit better how to interpret what I read from them.

    	But sometimes you have to be cautious when you start out an
    electronic friendship.  I know this sounds rather negative and
    somewhat paranoid, but this is the real world, and there certainly
    are people who will take advantage of others.  What you read in
    Notes may not always be the whole story, and you have to take that
    into account.  I'm not saying to be overly suspicious of new
    people - heck, we'd never meet/make new friends that way, but just
    to be sure that you know who you're dealing with before you go
    pouring your heart and soul out to them.  

    	This is a wonderful community, and there are some really
    terrific people out here.  There's a lot of support and positive
    energy and people always willing to listen and help.  It really 
    hurts to know that there are people who will "feed off that" (for 
    lack of a better phrase).

    	amy

    It would be nice if in conferences someone notices a typo or some other
    blooper that they would point it out to the author, giving the author
    an opportunity to correct the error.
    
    Seems to me publicly announcing it is bad manners.
    
    

I would like to re-iterated what was said in .4  - you have to be very careful
that simple, friendly messages aren't interpreted in the wrong way.  I have 
attached a couple of notes from the EURO_WOMAN notes that illustrate what can 
happen

          <<< TRUCKS::DISK$USER72:[NOTES$LIBRARY]EURO_WOMAN.NOTE;1 >>>
                                -< Euro_Woman >-
================================================================================
Note 191.0                         Harrasment                         20 replies
ARRODS::CARTER "Pyurdedbrilyant!"                    41 lines  23-MAY-1990 17:16
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some time last year a guy who was working as a contractor in Reading/Basingstoke
(I'm not sure which) spotted my name in  notes files and started to mail me...

After a couple of mail messages, which were very trivial, he started to phone me
because I had invited him to a 10-pin bowling trip I gave him my home phone 
number (I now realise that was a very stupid thing to do) and he started to
ring me at home, once he rang several times in a day.. this all escalated over
a period of about 3 weeks, I was very uncomfortable with it and said I wasn't
interested in pursuing any more commnication.  He got very bitter and kept 
phoning, eventually I got my ex (who I was still living with) to warn him off.

His contract came to an end just after that, and having sent a mail to that 
effect he then sent me several image files, which when I printed them I found 
were very crude.  He also flashed anonymous messages across my screen... like
"F-off bitch" and "Have a nice life"... I know these contravene DEC policy but
as it was his last day I didn't do anything.

I heard nothing more for about a year, then on Saturday I get a phone call at 
home, which varied from him being reasonably pleasant, to snapping into 
downright nastiness...then he tells me he's dying of Leukemia.. I was quite 
frightened, but I managed to be quite cool on the phone... I didn't say 
anything that might rile him, but I said nothing to encourage him either... 
then he said he loved me.. I said this was silly as we'd never met, but he said
he'd been into my system and read all my mail and knew all about me.  He seemed
to know some things that he shouldn't.

Obviously I am scared he has my home address (I don't think so, but could he get
it?).

What should I do?  One phone call doesn't warrant infomring the police does it?
Although I do know his name and approximate address (the area he lives)...

Is it worth telling Security or personnel (in case he ever gets work here again)

What would you do???




Xtine 

    


================================================================================
Note 191.6                         Harrasment                            6 of 20
TRUCKS::GKE                                          40 lines  24-MAY-1990 11:38
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The following note was submitted to me by an anonymous contributor
    who thinks she has experienced much the same harassment as Xtine
    and most likely from the same man.
    
    
Christine,

I saw your note in Eurowoman. I think you may be talking about
a contractor from Millenium.  I had a similar experience with him if so.
He got hold of my name via Eurowoman and began phoning. He got hold
of my home number by a similar sort of route and he began phoning
me at home.  However, I actually had had the misfortune to MEET him and 
he declared that he was in love with me after about 30 mins. I thought 
it was funny at the time.  But he kept on mailing and phoning.  Then 
on his last day he bought me unwelcome gifts.   He told me he had been 
on drugs and so on and that he had had a child with someone but that it
died. I began to be concerned because he then phoned me at work after he
had left and described the street where I live and I imagined he 
was going up and down outside my house, or attacking me or worse
one night. I managed to obtain his home phone number and phoned his 
mother and told her if he didnt stop phoning me I would call the police. 
She said he wouldn't hurt anyone.   The phone calls stopped.

Now I forgot about him until SATURDAY afternoon.  He phoned me....
I heard music in the background.... was he at home?
Well anyway I staved him off. He said he was in Reading and wanted
to meet me. I said I was just going out. He apologised for being
a pain last year and I just sort of said well goodbye. Like you I
didn't want to antagonize him, although fortunately he had never
sent me any smutty messages or mails.

I dont know if you watch Brookside, but this week something similar
happened and the guy jumped off a building..... made me think.
I was glad when he left Digital, and if he hadn't left I would certainly
have reported him to his manager.  I was actually quite scared at
the time, because I wasn't sure if he was nutty or what he might do.

Hopefully this recent call was just a one-off, but if any more occur
then I think we should certainly get together and consider some solution.
    
================================================================================
Note 191.7                         Harrasment                            7 of 20
TRUCKS::GKE                                           7 lines  24-MAY-1990 11:40
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I think this man should be reported to Personnel ASAP.  There is
    evidence to support him having harassed more than one person during
    his stay here at DEC.  He should be stricken from the preferred
    suppliers and black balled in the event he ever tried to obtain
    a permanent job.
    
    gailann
================================================================================
Note 191.8                         Harrasment                            8 of 20
EBIM1::MARK "Depressed of GOR"                        5 lines  24-MAY-1990 11:54
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is no doubt he should be reported. Had he been reported there would not 
have been a second occurance. He should be reported NOW before any other woman 
has to suffer.

M.