| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 994.1 | Hang Tough | HENRYY::HASLAM_BA | Creativity Unlimited | Wed Apr 25 1990 16:26 | 15 |
| How painful this must be for you! The therapy is an excellent source
of getting to know yourself first, and to understand more about
your relationship. Therefore, it will be to your advantage to keep
with it whether the relationship works or not. The more you understand
yourself, the easier it will become to avoid the same mistakes again.
As for the relationship, distance should help lend some perspective
for both of you. It might not be a bad idea to question yourself
as to why you still want to be in this relationship, what you want
from it and what you want to contribute to it. In this way, you
may be better able to return to your girlfriend with some solid
ideas bout what you can do to help improve things between you.
If I can be of support during this time, please write.
Best Wishes,
Barb
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| 994.2 | Look to yourself first | QUILL::BNELSON | Your Own Sweet Way | Wed Apr 25 1990 17:52 | 49 |
|
Re: .0
Ugh. I think that is one of the worst feelings a person can know
-- when you really care about someone and feel it is slipping away....
I know that feeling, and I can guess how you're feeling. But after
reading your note a couple times, it seems to me that you've got your
priorities wrong. It sounds like you've begun to see your own faults
and problems and needs, but you still haven't started to really address
them (at least, it doesn't sound like you have). By ignoring your
problems and concentrating on hers, you are exacerbating the very
problem which appears to be at the root of your difficulty.
In my opinion, if you were to start working and looking out for
*you*, in reality you would be serving the both of you. That is, by
becoming a more complete, full, and rich person you would become
someone more capable of giving and supporting someone else in a
relationship. Not to mention that by realizing a true love for
yourself you would give your girlfriend the opportunity to be able to
truly love you again. This is not to say that she *will*, but at least
it will become possible again.
First of all, I would take a step back. From everything, including
yourself (if you can). From the tone of your note you're in the throes
of that emotional rollercoaster that usually comes when you see things
slipping away. Try to take an objective look at things: yourself,
your girlfriend, your relationship, etc. Decide what things, if any,
you want to change. Then for each thing you've written down (yes, I
would write it down) map out a strategy for *how* you'll change it.
Should you decide to start focusing on yourself, definitely keep
your partner informed. There are few things as frustrating as being
shut out when someone you care about is going through a rough time.
Those are my thoughts, for what they're worth. What I would do
might not work for you. But if nothing else hopefully they'll give you
another perspective of how to look at the problem. I wish you the best
of luck.
Brian
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| 994.3 | | LEZAH::BOBBITT | pools of quiet fire... | Wed Apr 25 1990 21:23 | 22 |
|
I second the thought to look after yourself, your growth, your insights
first. Therapy for yourself may well be a good idea. Let go of her a
little, just enough to get the stars out of your eyes a bit, and see
what you get from the relationship, and give to the relationship. See
what your mutual strengths and weaknesses are.
And realize (I know this hurts, I've been through it) that if she
feels she doesn't love you anymore, then she may not love you again,
and that may be something you may someday have to accept. But if you
feel strongly about her, give her space, give her time, but don't give
up. Care gently and warmly and show her your feelings, be supportive
of her decisions for her life, even as you grow with your own insights
and therapy. Two healthy people deciding to stay together, or go their
separate ways, is much better than people making a quick decision about
their mutual future who may be uncertain of their own whys and
wherefores.
good luck
-Jody
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| 994.4 | It is difficult... | DUGGAN::MAHONEY | | Thu Apr 26 1990 09:28 | 28 |
| My idea of "being in love" is very deep. A person "in love" gives
EVERYTHING to the other without measuring consequences or things like
that. You love a person, period! and you love that person with all
his/her qualities, defects, idiosincracies, etc. etc. etc. and you are
ready for everything that comes in your way... because you know that
you have the love and support of your other half...
Do you have all that? When you have it, then you are ready to marry and
BUILD a long lasting relationship. Good, strong bonds, called
"relationships" have to have a very solid base to withstand everyday
stress and everyday problems, if there is no solid base, the
relationship will crumble at the least pressure. We cannot decide when
to fall in love, (it comes when we least expect), what we do these days
is... try to find a partner with similar qualities, goals, interests...
so we can have a relationship, but that is not LOVE... that is to
reason and resolve things with our head, not our heart. (the heart
seldom takes commands from the head... that's why it hurts so much when
it decides to act on us...)
Take those 2 weeks off from each other and THINK very hard not on
materials things (those, come and go) but on your most profound
feelings and hers... she doesn't love you as much as you love her, can
you keep her at your side FOR LIFE, on your own efforts alone? Bare
your heart to her, and then, let her decide and measure what she has
and what you can give her and then, only then, ask her to make a
decision and let you know...
To my belief, that is the best way to analyze feelings, thoughts, love,
and everything that lyes deep within ourselves.
I wish you best of luck.
Ana
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| 994.5 | W o w ! | ROYALT::NIKOLOFF | Change starts with Choices | Thu Apr 26 1990 13:12 | 7 |
| RE. -1 That was 'wonderful' Ana....thank you. It a reply I sure want to
keep in mind.
Have a wonderful day,
Mikki
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| 994.6 | The waiting is the worst | AIADM::MALLORY | I am what I am | Thu Apr 26 1990 14:09 | 15 |
|
I'm usually RO in this file, but this note struck a familiar chord as I know
someone who is going through a remarkably similar experience. Anyone who has
ever felt the crippling pain that losing someone you love can cause, knows
exactly what you are going through.
About all you can do is sit out the "waiting period" and hope for the best.
Giving her the time and space that she needs is more likely to produce the
hoped for results than pressing for answers will. But the waiting is hard...
Good luck
wes
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| 994.7 | Just one day at a time | TDCIS3::BOUSCARRUT | | Fri Apr 27 1990 06:20 | 30 |
|
This is a part of my life story, just to give you *hope*. I am in
a 12-step programm, so I could tell you : go to meetings, read
litterature, call friends who could share with you.
LIVE ONE DAY AT A TIME !
I was quite in the same situation than you. When he decided to stop
our relation, I was like somebody without arm, or leg, or eyes.
And I knew that it is possible to live without eyes ...
And I decided to live one day at a time, asking help from HP. It
was a necessity for me to continue to live. So, I had the obligation
to live as well as possible. It was in 1986 ...
He called me an other time. We saw themselves during six months
last year, and he decided one more time to stop our relation.
I had very bad days, but I continue to hope ...
Today, we are together, and we are a true family, I try to speack
more with him, to do not have interpretation of our words, but to
know exactly what he think, what he want, etc ...
HP is doing something for you, but you are not able for the moment
to see the positive, but it exists.
I am with you with all my Alanon heart,
Take care,
Annie
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| 994.8 | sex and love addiction | HANNAH::OSMAN | see HANNAH::IGLOO$:[OSMAN]ERIC.VT240 | Fri Apr 27 1990 10:26 | 14 |
|
I recently started attending meetings of a national group devoted to issues
about sex and love addiction. The people that attend meetings have all sorts
of issues, everything from can't let go of a relationship, can't keep a
relationship, sex issues in relationships etc.
From reading your note, it got me wondering, whether your pain you share here
is just this once, or if you've experienced it over and over, perhaps as
a pattern.
Feel free to send me mail if you want to hear about the sex-love-addiction
group. I've found it real valuable.
/Eric
|
| 994.9 | Independence and the Inner you | USEM::ROSENZWEIG | | Fri Apr 27 1990 11:24 | 23 |
| you must develop a life that is viable and independent with or without
her. Dependancy can turn someone off. I'm not sure if this is an
issue, but too much need can burn people out. It will hurt but
imagine what you would do if she wasn't in your life. What are
your interests...what do you LOVE to do. Somehow people who can
do this become quite attractive to other people.....Still this is
easy to say and hard to do. The thought of not having her is probably
painful. If you have any spiritual inclinations, this can be so
helpful. Perhaps you can find an affiliation can you are comfortable
with. Believe me, this can be life-saving.
Whatever you do, don't isolate yourself.
It can be devastating to hear someone doesn't love you, but I wonder
about such a statement. Unless you have suddenly become cruel,
thoughtless, or unfaithful, I can only believe the inner you is
still the same as the person she first met. You can change your
behaviour if that is the issue, but behaviour is something that
is an external...the inner you is the part that must be respected.
Good luck and develop some faith in yourself.
RR
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| 994.10 | Response from anonymous author of base note | QUARK::HR_MODERATOR | | Fri May 11 1990 10:53 | 163 |
| Well, our 2 weeks are up and although I now know that our relationship
is over, I actually feel good about it instead of feeling devastated.
Why ?
A major contributory factor in achieving this 'wonderful' feeling at
such a time can be attributed directly to your kind words of encouragement
and wisdom. My mother said to me once (I was 16 years old and came home one
evening with a smile on my face), she looked at me and said
"Nothing NEW happens in the world today, it only happens to NEW people"
I can now really relate to this as some of you have felt the same pain
as I have and have offered some 'expert' advice.
I feel that my eyes have really been opened and this has been as a
result of your kind words of advice and wisdom. I would like to thank all
of the people who submitted a reply to my plea for help.
While I'm not going to pretend that I'm as hard as steel and have not
been 'shaken up' over our break-up, at least now, I can look from another
angle and see things more clearly which relieves quite a lot of
unnecessary pain.
A number of steps I took during the past 2 weeks I will attempt to
write below, the actual order is not important, the fact that I did
it at all and it worked, is.
You will all see your particular piece of advice here.
Step 1. Take a step back (myself/relationship)
I actually tried to 'hover' over a typical day with my partner
where I could see us both in different situations and look
at the typical verbal Transactions. I realised that I have
some work to do as I have difficulty with my Child ego state
for expressing myself and having fun and I overuse my Parent
ego state -> the critical side.
This behaviour is typical of an ACOA, I have just gained access
to that file and hope to discuss it over there.
Step 2. Look closely at myself
Looked at how hard I was pushing myself in personal and professional
life and the time involved and was shocked.
Last week my 'sporting' activities were as follows;
Monday - Fitness training directly after work - Home at 7pm
Tuesday - Karate training directly after work - Home at 7.45pm
Wednesday - Bowling every 2 weeks after work - Home at 11.00pm
- Play Squash for 45min during lunch break
Thursday - Foreign Language classes 3pm - 5.30pm
Karate training directly after - Home at 7.45pm
Friday - Play Squash for 45min during lunch break
Saturday - Walked 25km as training for a 200km walk in July
Sunday - Walked 25km (speed of 8km per hour).
- Went to a Football match
- Watched 2 hours of sports on TV.
On top of tha above I also also like to fit in Jogging,swimming
and cycling and studying a Language (I'm living in a foreign
country and need to speak the Language - yep.. you guessed it,
I don't live in the states or Canada - I'm a Euro noter).
As well as the above I'm studying for APICS and hoped to do
a Business degree soon.
I made myself sick when I actually looked through all that I have
been doing. There are things that I have not included above such as
Decorating our new house,visiting friends,business trips etc.
It's quite clear that my priorities are all wrong and that I
really didn't have much time for my partner.
The above level of activity has to change quickly.
Step 3. What do I love to do.
Looked at this closely and was surprised to see that I like
a lot of other activities and could not care less about some
present ones. Bowling I started as my colleague was short a
player (1year ago) and Karate is leading to too much injuries
lately and causing problems with everything else, I don't like
it so much anymore.
I will make some decisions soon on spending my time more
constructively on things that I like to do.
Step 4. Take one day at a time.
Very important, feeling the pain of losing someone is human.
Some days are good ones and the others are better to forget.
Not making too many plans helped me and also writing everything
down including my thoughts,fears,worries,pain,plans,recovery
strategy etc. Browsing through this yesterday, I had to laugh
at some silly emotional things that I had written, but, realised
that I had written it and not someone else has helped me to
get to know ME.
Step 5. Don't isolate myself
I have tried to talk to as many people as possible to hear
their advice and just to have an ear to talk into sometimes.
My circle of close friends, are unfortunatly, a long way
away and I miss that a lot, but have also realised how good
hearted all of my friends here are. The support I have received
from our mutual friends was wonderful and very understanding.
Step. 6 Keep her informed, But keep my distance.
A great piece of advice, I keep her informed of what I'm doing
the 'strategy to recover' which to my surprise she appreciates
very much. I know she still cares for me very much.
At the 2 week stage when she called as planned, we had a nice
dinner and then I explained as honestly as possible what I hope
to do in a 'One day at a time' pace.
Instead of being defensive as I normally am, I was for the first
time open and mature about it. Quite soon we were cuddling
and hugging each other and eventually could kiss as two people
that care for each other very much. We went for a walk and
held hands and did some more kissing and cuddling but both
knew that it was over.
"2 mature adults making a decision is best" to quote one of your
replies.
This feeling makes me very happy and gives me the strength to
carry on without her as a lover but as a friend.
"realise that if she dosen't love you now that she might never
love you again" another excellent piece of advice from your
replies and how very true.
Step 7. Visit to a Psychologist
I hope to be able to come to grips with my past and relate it
to my present behavioral traits and improve to be a more
"rich person" capable of loving myself and making it easier
for others to love me.
Looking forward to this very much, and will study Transactional
Analysis more closely. Also have planned some courses internally
such as; Time & work Org, Communication skills, Presentation
skills.
I think I'll stop writing now, I feel the general feeling of
what I wanted to say is above. I looks very 'Black and White'
or theoretical but I feel that it's achieveable and at the
moment am very happy with the thought that I'm not losing her
but that I am gaining myself.
Thanks again for your support.
A happy Euronoter.
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