Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Mother's day is my birthday this year.......
    
    ....Bob

         You know, it seems I have spent most of my life either
         living up to, or living down, contemporary myths such as
         the one represented by the base note.

         As a reality check, I passed the text of the note
         around the table at lunch today...and got 
         reactions ranging from:

         "Boy, isn't that the truth!?" accompanied by a lop-sided
         grin.

         to...

         "What a piece of male-chauvinist, sexist, pap!",
         accompanied by an unprintable hand signal.

         The most thought-provoking comment was made by a man:

         "It wouldn't pass DIGITAL 'valuing differences'
         guidelines, or sexist guidelines for that matter."

         Heartened by these responses, I decided to write a
         reply.

         Do not mistake me. 

         I do not think for a moment that the base note is
         seriously suggesting that women who are mothers "really"
         should be all of those things. Nor do I miss the
         intended [I am sure] whimsey of the piece. Nor do I lack
         appreciation for the art of tongue-in-cheek-while-being-
         just-ever-so-slightly-serious.

         I am a "Mom", and I hope sincerely that my [all too
         often floundering] attempts to hold the body and soul of
         my family together are appreciated.

         But...

         I just suspect that we are a little blase' about female
         sexism when it is disguised as complimentary prose. At
         least I know that I am.

         If I were to write a similarly over-stated and
         under-researched piece about Jews being good with money
         ...I would be cautioned not to be anti-semetic...even in humor.

         If I were to write such a piece about blacks being lazy
         ...I would be reprimanded for espousing racial
         stereotypes.

         Yet I am expected to find this enchanting little piece
         innocuous even though it supports the mis-given
         notion that Mothers [women] can be all things to all
         people all the time. And infers [in reverse] that if you
         are a Mother [woman] and not all these things that you
         are deficient in some way. 

	 It not only sets false expectatons for other members of society
         [non-Mothers] as to what Mothers are capable of
         delivering; but it also sets false expectation for
         Mothers themselves as to what they SHOULD be able to
         accomplish.  

	 What a deal, everybody looses.

         Just because a myth appears to be made up of
         complimentary components, does not mean it is any less a
         myth...nor that it does no harm.

         I want my son and husband to say "thank you" on Mother's
         Day...but I want it to be a thank you for me being the
         best I can be...while still being me...not some super
         woman who is infallible, I can't make that grade. I will
         fail. I can only do my best.

         Melinda

    Well,
    
    I thought it was cute. Described my mom to the tee! 
    
    ;^),
       Kate
    
    

    Well, I'm a "Mom" and I LOVED IT........It made me feel good to read it
    and these days feeling good about something seems to be awfully
    important to me........
    
    Barb

    Although I am a Mom, I am always somewhat embarrassed when Motherhood
    is equated with Sainthood.  I was not a saint!  I didn't even do my
    best but something clicked and I have four of the nicest adult children
    going.
    
    Must have been the orange juice I drank!

    I THINK IT WAS GREAT TOO...
    
    I can't wait to write it up in calligraphy and give it to my mom on
    Mothers Day...and I don''t think the piece was supposed to make all
    moms look infallable...they may not all be 'Superwomen"....but my mom
    sure is!!!  And she doesn;'t fit all the typecasting....and she isn't a
    saint...and she isn[t perfect to what the world sees...
    
    
    BUT SHE IS PERFECT TO ME!
    
    
    I hope that I can be half the mother to my children that she was to my
    siblings and I...if I can be half that woman, my children will be very,
    very lucky!!!
    
    Jill
    

Taken entirely too serious my mom loved it too!

-j

I'll side with Mel on this one.  Each Mother's Day you see things like this,
(and there are equivalents, though less so, on Father's Day), that are
written with, as I see it, the intent of making the reader feel good.  And
while on the surface there's nothing wrong with that, I find the way it's
done to be condescending and, what's more, to gloss over the fact that not
only is parenting hard work, but not everyone's cut out for it.

We seem to automatically assume that every woman who has a child will
be a good mother.  (And there seems to be a similar assumption that any
man who has a child has no idea at all about raising a child, but they
say nice things that make him feel good about his ignorance anyway.)

Mothers and fathers are people - they're only human.  Nobody waves a magic
wand and infuses the new parent with extra abilities, skills and knowledge.
Being a parent is a scary thing, especially if one doesn't have others handy
to lean on and learn from.  Most of us manage to a sufficient extent, some
don't. 

I'd rather see more effort to help parents be parents, and less about parents
being mutants with superpowers.  And when Father's Day comes, I won't mind that
we'll make a lot less fuss over fathers than we do about mothers.  I'll just
look at Tommy, my son, and know that I've done a pretty good job so far.

				Steve

    	Gee, I thought it was *great*!


    	I don't know, I just didn't read into it a lot of the things that
    some others seem to have read.  I took it as a reminder of all the
    wonderful and varied things that moms do for us when we're growing up
    (and sometimes even after that  ;-)).  For some reason, and I'm not
    sure why, it just never occurred to me that "mom" equates to "Saint" or
    "Superwoman" while reading that piece.  I know my mom is quite fallible
    and has lots of foibles and has made lots of mistakes; perhaps I just
    prefer to dwell on the good things, and this piece reminded me of them.


    	Thank you for posting it, I plan to extract it and give it to my
    mom in her Mother's Day card!  I'm sure she'll love it!


    Brian

    RE: .9
    
    I'm with you.  So what if mothers and fathers aren't perfect.
    I see nothing wrong with saying something nice about them.
    Even if there are excesses, I'd prefer to be excessively nice
    to someone rather than always looking to point out someone's faults.
    
    Claude
    

    No, we Moms aren't perfect. But on Mother's Day we don't need a card
    reminding us of our imperfections.
    
    Through all my faults, I must say the LOVE I have for my children IS
    perfect. 
    
    Kate
     

	When I read the copy sent to me by my mom, in the ONLY letter she
	has sent me in the last year (she always phones), I felt good.  I
	have been going through some very rough times getting moved to
	Minnesota, and was feeling guilty about my parenting getting 
	neglected while I tended to myself.  I began to appreciate the
	good things I do as a mother.

	Even so, I agree with the comments about sainthood and fatherhood.
	I expected some negative reaction and I'm pleased about the positive
	comments.  I sent it around via ALL-IN-1 mail in my office, and have
	gotten a wide variety of comments from people sending mail thanking
	me, people stopping in the halls to thank me, and a nastigram about
	wasting diskspace.  The one that really surprised me was an unsigned
	interoffice note critical of the "flippant" attitude about God.  
	
	What people forget, though some have alluded to, is that most of
	our mothers have been raised to value the sentiments in this story.
	It really doesn't matter if it's sexist or irreverant, most of our
	mothers will like it.  I'd give it to my mom if I could....though
	she liked it well enough to share it with me.

	peace to all of you!

	Sherry

    
    
    Just wanted to try to make myself a little clearer. {Yes, I know
    you all are still going to think I am off-base, but I wanted to correct
    what seems to be a mis-read of what Steve and I said.}
    
    I have no problem with the INTENT of the piece. I think that it's
    wonderful to let people know when they are special and I think
    [minus the comercialism] that Mother's and Father's Days are
    nice times to treat those particular folks specially.
    
    My argument was with the CONTENT not the INTENT.
    
    If we saw a piece of blatantly non-factual material that
    was derogatory, we would all rush about and denounce it for the
    misleading piece of rhetoric that is was.
    
    It just seems to me that because the outcome in this case is
    complimentary, we are willing to disregard its lack of veracity.
    
    The majority of people seem to see a difference between an
    untruth that appears harmful and one that appears harmless.
    
    {I will not bother to argue the point that there are scads
    of young women out there trying to live up to these
    unrealistic expectations...}
    
    I do not. The content of the piece...is a patent lie. Regardless of
    INTENT, the CONTENT is false. There are no people like that. There are
    just good and wonderful people doing the best they can for the people
    they love.
    
    This is just a personal opinion, but I would prefer to have a
    compliment that has less flourish and is truth...than one that 
    is a lie.
    
    Melinda