Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Well, my parents are divorced, and I think that it has had a great
    impact on me, and the way that I behave in relationships.  This is
    something that I am trying to work through, but it takes a lot of time. 
    My father cheated on my mother for years, and that has become my big
    problem.  I'm not a jealous person, but I have great difficulty
    trusting the men in my life.  I know that they are/were honest and
    truthful with me, but I still don't trust them.  I always find myself
    waiting for the day that he will wake up and realize that he wants
    someone else.  It's an extremely irrational fear, but it's still there.
    I'm trying to work through it, but it's one thing to know you have a
    hang-up, and another to treat it. 
    
    You deserve credit for acknowledging the link between your behavior and
    your parents divorce.  If I were you I would talk it over with your SO,
    and I would probably do some reading on the subject.  
    
    good luck working things out.
    
    ss

    
    My parents have never divorced, they still live in a happy marriage.
    I myself am divorced. I have been divorced for about 4-years.  I was
    the one who filed for the divorce.
    
    I realize your question asks for similar situations where the parents
    divorce but I felt I needed to make this comment;
    
    Money should not make a difference in a relationship.  Sure it's
    nice to have but true love has much more value.  I think most
    money problems can be worked out in a relationship as long as it's
    worked out together.  So what if you can't drive a Mercedes or
    Live in the nicest apartment or house in town.  True love is so
    hard to find especially when your circle of friends have grown older
    and are for the most part already married.
    
    Don't throw it all away for something ridiculous that can be worked
    out if both of you really care for eachother.  Make sacrifices if
    you must and try not to expect more out of your best friend than he
    or she can give.  It only brings sadness in your life.
    
    I hope you find happiness, it's something we all strive for.
    
    Frank

    re .0, "Love does not conquer all"
    
    Sad but true.  If your friend doesn't realize this, then
    he's naive.
    
    Many authors have pointed out that growing up means coming
    to terms with the following facts:
    
    	Everything dies.
    	Love is not enough.
    	Bad things happen even if you're good.
    	Some people don't care what happens to you.
    	The universe is not fair.
    
    I don't mean that there isn't joy and happiness to be had--there
    is, and lots of it--but that giving up illusions about the world
    is part of leaving childhood.  Note that parents try hard to present
    a fair, loving, non-dying universe to their children--the children
    are making a quite natural inference from their own experience.
    
    			-John Bishop

    
    Interesting question...one I've thought often about. As my parents
    were divorced when I was 8 coupled with a sister 6 years older than
    I and a brother 13 years older, we were never a family of communicators
    and bonders.
    
    Yes, I do believe divorce impacts your behavior in relationships, but
    I'm not sure to what extent. There are a number of events and 
    issues that all encompass the "growing" experience and thus, I don't
    think your personal behavior can be attributed to any one event. 
    
    Growing up in a family without divorce does not mean a close knit
    family just as growing up with divorce does not mean fragmentation.
    
    No, I don't think you're "strange" - how you relate to others may be
    more a result of your overall childhood experience - not so much a
    function of divorced parents.
    
    -janine

    I agree with the person who says love does not conquer all.  
    
    at the risk of being trivial:
    
    When I build a hamburger, I start off like everyone else...with a bun
    of some sort (many types, each having its merits) and some meat.  Then
    as I progress, I lay in a smorgasbord of condiments...relish, katsup,
    mustard, mayonaisse, etc.  You know what I mean.  It all adds to the
    total flavor of the hamburger.  Most of the time, I really enjoy it,
    but, occasionally, when I try out something new, I *detracts* from the
    result, and I make a note not to try that something again.
    
    Love is sort of like a condiment to life.  You can have a life without
    it...and you can enjoy that life (I suppose).  The hamburger might even
    taste good without it, and for some, that's all there is.
    
    But, love, in and of itself will not make or break the taste of the
    burger... it isn't it's own end-all and be-all.  It mixes with all the
    othere condiments and enhanses the final result.
    
    
    Now I'm hungry.  And lunch is still 3 hours away!
    
    tony

    Love doesn't ALWAYS conquer all, but one thing is for sure. Love
    CANNOT conquer all, IF you don't believe it can.  
    
    Love leads to compromise.
    
    SandieD

    
    My parents were divorced when I was in my early teens.  Two things that
    came out of it in relation to this note:  (1) If the marriage is
    doomed, there's no way that ONE person is going to hold it together. 
    It takes two to maintain a marriage.  I won't let myself obsess about my
    husband's fidelity (even the time the Marine Corps sent him away for a
    YEAR!).  If I want the marriage and HE wants it, then we'll get through
    anything.  (2) Even if the marriage doesn't make it, I will survive. 
    I'm not saying life won't be difficult, but there IS a life after
    divorce.  In my parents' case, I really think both of my parents were
    "better people" AFTER the divorce; my mother learned independence and
    my father had the freedom he felt he needed.
    
    One piece of advice for the base noter:  See a marriage counsellor
    BEFORE it's too late.  I think too many people seek counselling much
    too late; see someone while the marriage is still strong enough and
    before you start to hurt each other.  My husband and I, at around our
    sixth year together, started to pull away from each other.  Now, after
    twelve years, I can say our marriage is stronger than it ever was.  I
    give a lot of the credit to our counsellor; he MADE us face things that
    were hard for us, and made us communicate with each other.
    
    Good luck.

There's a pretty good book called "Love is not Enough." Sorry I don't remember
the author, but it's easy to find in about any bookstore.  Now in oversized
paperback as well as hardcover, I think.

My parents didn't split up until I was about 18, but they never did seem like
a loving couple.  My own divorce and subsequent dating influenced my relation-
ships as much as my parents' relationship did.  My parents didn't seem to have
much love for one another, but they provided a very solid (tho fairly loveless)
homelife.  I like that kind of stability now, but want the love added.

I think love is very important, and it can overcome a lot of potential problem
areas, but attitude, and having things in common, and having the save values
is very important, too.  I think for the real long-haul, you need more than
love.  But the love helps smooth out the rough spots.

Good luck,
Paula

    My parents' divorce was final when I (the only child) was a year and
    a half old, so I don't even remember them living together.  Their 
    behavior toward each other was always very amicable, in my presence at
    least.  But I could certainly see that they were cut from very
    different bolts of cloth - the two households were run completely
    differently, and when I went to Dad's I would slip into his house rules
    the way I'd change coats.
    
    I had to explain to the kids at school, up through about 5th grade I
    think, what "divorce" was (it was that rare).  And I was very proud of
    Mom, who was the only mom who looked halfway decent when we kids
    were dropped off/picked up at school (she had a 9-to-5 job; the other
    moms came in sneakers, frowzy kimonos and curlers).  Of course I
    thought my mom was invincible.
    
    So here I am, an elective single parent (the bio clock went off). 
    Anyone see any tie-ins?
    
    What prompted me to reply, though, was that recently I was in read-only
    mode in another notes conference, and the topic was Having It All, or
    Being Supermom, or Whether It's Morally Superior To Stay Home With The
    Kids - anyway, I absolutely went "tilt" when I saw someone say (this is
    fairly close if not an exact quote) "having a job gives me an identity
    apart from someone's-mom or someone's-wife."  My reaction: Um, hello...
    did it ever occur to you to GIVE YOURSELF AN IDENTITY????  (Whether or
    not you work outside the home)
    
    I didn't flame that at the time (to the noter) because I thought it
    would definitely be (considered) within personal-attack parameters.
    Reading this note made me wonder if my reaction might be a function 
    of having been brought up by a self-defined woman.  What do you think?
    
    Leslie