| For starters, if I'd be in the shoes of the boyfriend, the one thing
I would be facing if I only half way felt anything for her was a
feeling of responsibility and coupled to that a quite severe feeling
of guilt. The car slipped while he was driving, he came out unharmed,
and she was quite severely wounded. It sounds very difficult to
deal with.
Ofcourse it's all well and true that it might not have been his
fault, and he should understand she needs him rather than blame
him for it - but it looks like he's having quite a problem with
it.
Are you close to him, or do you know anyone who is, who could have
a talk with him about that?
Ad
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| Some of us (myself for one!!) feel _very_ uncomfortable being around
people who are obviously in pain, and/or badly injured. I get an
actual physical reaction (a twinge or ache in the groin area) at the
sight of anything more than a simple bandage on a person about whom I
care.�
While I have never been in the position of the boyfriend cited in .0,
I could see myself behaving in a somewhat similar manner, where the
love and affection which I felt for the victim was tempered by both my
own feelings of guilt about the accident (compounded by _my_ getting
away "scot-free") and by an unfortunate physical reaction. I could
see such an effect producing the "oscillation" which has been reported;
namely promising to come and then calling with an excuse.
Is there an answer??? I don't know.
Nigel
�: I rarely (if ever) go to visit sick friends in the hospital; it took
a GREAT effort to go visit my wife when she was recovering from giving
birth to our son. However, should I ever end up in a hospital
somewhere, I do not expect any of my friends to come and visit me!!!!!
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| Another possibility, not necessarily instead of "survivor's guilt" is
a fear of loss. He may be denying his feelings because he's afraid of
getting hurt by losing her, or feels unable to deal with her possibly
permanent disabilities. This was one of the subplots of a recent
episode of the television show "The Golden Girls", where "Blanche"
refused to visit her boyfriend in the hospital after he suffered
a heart attack, because she was afraid of getting emotionally
committed to him and then losing him. In the show, Blanche finally
did visit, but he had already decided that she "wouldn't be there
for him" and told her goodbye.
It could be a combination of several things that people have mentioned
here. Perhaps our comments will help her understand, if not to
accept.
Steve
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My guess is that he's feeling really bad about the accident;
that he "messed up big time", injured the one he loves and that it's
"his fault". He likely re-experiences these feelings via association
when he attempts to go see her, and the pain he then feels as this
eats away at his insides is just too much for him to bear. This
happens despite the fact that he knows how much it would mean for
him to be there for her, and it's probably overwhelming him.
Of course, the feeling of abandonment on his girlfriend's part
- cause he's not showing up - is probably eating away at her insides
too, along with the rest of her pain. :'(
He needs to get in touch with and eventually face his feelings
about this accident, perhaps in some way where he can. If it's too
much for him to face them directly (by going to see his girlfriend)
he may be able to get in touch with them and work through them somewhere
else - like with a good friend or even a professional. Having done
this, his emotions may not be so overwhelming when he goes to visit
her. Either way, it's something that will take "guts" to do and I
sincerely wish him the best!
One time when I was 17, I had a boating accident with my first
real girlfriend. I knew I shouldnt have let her drive the thing!
(my fault) People were injured, including her, ambulances came,
and I can remember being scolded by a police officer "You better
damn well hope that little girl is okay!" as I sat drenched in
my clothes at this picnic table, head down, with a crowd of people
staring at me. I felt terrible that this had happened, that it was
my fault, and that I really messed up big time. Instead of facing
and working through these feelings, (what'd I know about _that_
when I was 17?) I instead tried to effectively bury them and numb
them out. My girlfriend was on crutches. I distinctly remember being
unable to be there for her, cause just seeing her reminded me and
brought back this "terrible" feeling - one that I was trying to
"get rid of". Well, I know now that you dont "get rid of" feelings,
the only way to get past them is to go through them and it's through
the experience of doing so that gets you free.
She felt terrible about my subsequent distancing. I didnt know
that I didnt know what the hell I was doing to myself and the
relationship. I leave it to the reader to guess what happened to
us. As I recall, she got me back pretty good about a year later,
when I finially snuffed out my feelings about the boating accident,
and wanted to see her again. I cried a lot over that one, and my life
took a turn - downward.
Joe
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