Conference quark::human_relations-v1

	Look within yourself and see who you are and what you want.

	In my opinion, your relationship with your husband started
	too early for you to develop who you are.  You and he are
	each tied together by your fear of loss.

	You have been in relationship with your partner for just
	under half your 28 years of age.  By what you write, your
	choice to continue this relationship has effectively
	stifled your personal development.  Your internal desire
	to grow is attempting to break thru your fear of loss.

	I feel that your fear of loss is preventing you from
	pursuing a relationship with the other gentleman.  Walk
	thru your fear.

	Dan

    I agree with .1 - - That fear is pretty tough to deal with.  It
    is understandable since you have been with your hsuband so long
    as well as he being the only man you've dealt with until meeting
    this other man.   
    
    To my observation, it seems that you, being with your husband
    during those important maturing years you have become - as it
    were - emotional entangled with him.  This is as opposed to
    having grown into a loving well balanced relationship.
    
    This may sound a bit heady on my part, but I have observed
    this happens to freinds, the get entangled more than anything
    in such a way that there is all this guilt in ending an
    otherwise hopless, non functioning situation.
    
    By no means should you be selfish and think only of yourself,
    but if you are this upset and it is affecting your daily life,
    then maybe you really should consider leaving your husband
    once and for all...It is a really tough step to take and
    you really just have to take a big deep breath and do it!
    
    Really look at the situation, is there room for improvement, wth
    your husband that is.  The children aspect is a log on the fire
    but I suggest not considering yourself and worry about kids later.
    
    Maybe the 'other' man may not be your next husband.  Maybe you'll
    leave the present one, dump the 'other' (who sounds like he's
    being immature - - nah nah nah I ain't gonna talk to YOU!!! and
    all that).   Don't get ahead of yourself...
    
    YOUR HAPPINESS IN LIFE IS MOST IMPORTANT.
    
    best of luck
    
    joe p

    ooops  
    
    "I suggest not considering yourself..."
    
    should read....I suggest considering yourself...
    
    jp

    I think right now you're at the worst of it because you're in the midst
    of making choices.
    
    It might be worthwhile using the old "make a list" technique -- make a
    list of all the good things in your marriage and all the bad things. 
    Make a list of what you would want to change about your marriage, about
    your husband, about yourself.  Make a list about anything that comes to
    mind.  You've got a lot of wants and feelings whirling around; writing
    them down gets them to stay in one place long enough to look at them.

	You sound very dependent on having a relationship with someone
	else.  What about having a relationship with yourself?  Do you
	have one?

	Carla

    the 'make a list' advice is really a practical thing to do..
    
    I suggest it too!  I've done it myself. it works....
    
    

    I agree with .5.  It sounds like you've never been on your own.
    It's always difficult making choices, especially where marriage
    is concerned.  Best advice I can offer is get to know and love
    yourself "FIRST".  Then when you are secure, you will notice how
    differently your relationships are with others.  You will be a
    stronger and healthier person for it.  Never, never leave one person
    for another without getting to know yourself. It's hard, I know.
    Believe me, you won't regret it.

Is your husband any happier with your current marriage than you are?

Maybe he's feeling the same way and, for whatever reason, won't talk about
it.  That's where counceling would help. 

    I'm surprised that a good counsellor would try to tell you what to
    do!  Encouraging you to leave, trying to make you "strong" enough?
    A counsellor is supposed to help you find out what *you* really
    want and help you understand that yourself.  Telling you to leave
    your husband is just another case of letting someone else make
    your decisions for you, and it's no wonder you're resisting going
    along with what s/he said.  
    
    It sounds to me like you aren't really sure you WANT to break up
    your present marriage.  That can happen for a lot of reasons, both
    healthy (love, it's worth saving) or unhealthy (fear, dependency).
    Breaking up a marriage, even a bad one, is a big, big step, and it
    sounds like you haven't had a lot of practice making decisions on
    your own.   Maybe you could start with the smaller things -- just
    for example, if it bothers you that you only have a joint checking
    account, you could set up one of your own.  You could work out a
    new financial arrangement with your husband -- joint account for
    household expenses, you each put in a fixed amount, for example,
    or whatever YOU would feel more comfortable with.   Does it bother
    you that you never had a honeymoon?  Suggest that you take one
    now, or for your next anniversary, or whatever you'd like.
    
    I suspect his reaction will tell you an awful lot about whether
    your marriage is worth saving.  As .8 pointed out, he might be as
    unhappy as you are, or, if you haven't been communicating, he
    might not know what's wrong. 
    
    For what it's worth, it sounds to me like you shouldn't leave your
    present husband until and unless you can do it for yourself, not
    for the other man.  If you leave your husband to join this other
    man, the odds are you'll just find yourself in the same situation
    with a different partner.  
    
    --bonnie

    Look out for Number 1! That is you!! Do what is right for you and what
    you feel comfortable doing. It is your life and you should live it
    happily.
    
    good luck
    
    Lynne

    
    
    If you like to read, there are some very good books to help you
    understand what you are dealing with:
    
    "Transitions, Making Sense of Life's Changes" by William Bridges
    
    "Persons We Choose to Live Inside" by Doris Lessing
    
    "Womens Reality" by Anne Wilson Schaef
    
    "The Road Less Traveled" by Scott Peck
    
    
    They are all relatively "small" books that pack a lot of insight. If I
    were to suggest a place to start you might try "Womens Reality." It
    essentially verbalizes what you're feeling.
    
    Good luck,
    
    Darlene