Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    	Absence can make the heart grow fonder, but please be realistic 
    	that it can also pull two people apart.  I have a Swiss friend 
    	(in Switzerland) who cares for me more the longer we're apart, 
    	who cannot accept the fact that we have no romantic future.  On 
    	my end, the longer we were apart the more certain I became that
    	I didn't want a serious relationship with him.  
    
    	It can go either way, but with faith, trust, and communication
    	(visting him during your vacation wouldn't hurt either) you two 
    	can make it.  Good luck!
    
    	Carla
    

	 RE: .0

	 All you can do is live life one day at a time.....you can't
	 center your life around someone else that can't be near you,
	 so you need to keep busy....Writing and calling is important,
	 but don't put a lot of stress on having to do it....

	 Just let things progress one day at a time and always set
	 your eyes on tomorrow instead of a day 12 months away.

	 No bones about it....long distance can make or break a
	 relationship......and positive attitude has a lot to do with
	 making it.

	 good luck....I don't envy you...I'm been in the same
	 situation too many times to ever want to go back.

	 kath

    re: 3 - Good show, Kath!  And Ditto for me as well.
    
    Long distance relationships are difficult but the difficulties are
    not insurmountable if you are honest with one another.
    
    Good luck (PS:  My high school sweetheart and now ex-fiance joined
    the service, became a pilot, asked me to marry him and this was
    within 1 year of joining the service.  We were separated by many
    miles -- Massachusetts and San Jose, California.  Unfortunately,
    I was only 19 at the time, not ready for marriage and *I* was the
    one who backed out!)
    
    Tammi
    

    
    	It really depends on many things. I don't know much about
    	being in the Army (The draft ended when I was 19:-))
	
    	My SO from High School went away to school while I had to
    	attend a local school. Our relationship when downhill after
    	the day she left. We spent Thanksgiving and Christmas together,
    	but I never saw her after that. I think that the new exciting
    	world of a big *party* college, being able to drink legally, and 
    	being away from her parents compared to the same old me in the same 
    	old town doing the same old things became boring. She did transfer
    	to another school within driving distance to home during her
    	senior year, but by then she was engaged, and I'm not sure why she
    	transferred.
    
    	Some of my friends hated being away at school and either drove
    	home every weekend, or spent most of their free time in the library
    	studying. The only reason they went away to school is because of
    	the actual school and not just to be away from home.
    
    	So, I guess it depends on the attitude of the people involved,
    	and how much they can be involved in each others lives while
    	going through changes. 
    
    
    	Guy Novello
    

In my case, I was finished with classes and moved to a different state to start 
my coop here at DEC, while she stayed back home.  We both (but her moreso) 
decided that it was "best" to break up and not try to have a long-distance 
relationship.  Looking back, I'm not really sure it was the right thing to do.
Even though as Mike Z. puts it, "my heart wanders", I still find myself 
thinking about her.  It's very easy to fall into the trap of constantly
thinking, "what could have been?".  I've done that too often.

It is difficult, but not impossible, for two people to still care for 
eachother after being 12 months apart. I wish you two the best of luck,
and I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

   - Larry

    Well, to answer your question... Yes I think so....
    
    Out of curiosity... where is he being sent??? Is he in the Navy?
    
    The reason I ask is that I only know of ONE place where ONLY male
    Military Personnel are sent....  I could be wrong....
    
    

    Hi, If you've looked at other notes on Long Distance Relationships
    (#198 comes to mind immediately), you'll see that this is one of my
    nearest and dearest topics.  It's really tough.  It's easy to become
    resentful that you can't be going out on dates because he just isn't
    around, and to start thinking of how good it would be to just date
    *somebody*.  Going out with friends helps, but it really isn't the
    same.

    You have to it keep it all in perspective.  At times I've thought that
    I'm a real idiot "doing this to myself," and that I should just start
    dating other men (well, I thought this before getting engaged :-). 
    But... every now and then I would do a reality check and realize that I
    haven't met a single guy that I would really *want* to be dating.  Lots
    of nice men, none that could even come close to being what my Honey is
    to me.  What I'm saying, is that it's tough and it's trying, but if
    this is really *the relationship*, it's worth it.

    But no doubt about it though - it's tough.  

    As to "does absence make the heart grow fonder?" - I don't know. 
    Absence can do alot of things.  It can help you to realize how
    wonderful he is, and how *right* it is for you two to be together.  It
    can help you realize that you'd rather be having a good time, and he
    just isn't worth the wait.  It can make you build him up into some kind
    of fantasy person, which can make things kind of tough when you have to
    deal with the real him again. 

    I think that the important things to do are to not hinge your every
    hope on this.  Putting pressure on yourself (and on him) will only make
    it tougher.  Also - COMMUNICATE!!!  Talk about what this is going to
    mean to both of you.  You more you both discuss your hopes and fears,
    the easier this will be.  

    Finally - a year really is not insurmountable.  It passes.  There's a
    definite light at the end of the tunnel.  Many, many times I've said
    that if this were just for one year, it would be a breeze.

    Good luck!!  Feel free to write me...

    Sarah

    
    
    An old friend of mine had to deal with this.  Her SO went into the
    service and they were separated for 2 years.  She went to see him
    on her vacations and he called her all the time, whenever possible.
    
    They shared a *very* solid relationship before he left and had made
    plans to "get to know each other again" for a year after he got
    out, then they would get engaged.
    
    It was *very* hard but they did it.  It all depends on how solid
    your relationship is.
    
    Bottom line:  If you BOTH want to stick together, you'll find a
    way.  
    
    Good luck!
    
    Denise
    

    If you guys are super serious about each other, than wait it out. But
    remember in a year, people that you will be attracted too will pop up
    here and there so watch out. I would not put it past that the same will
    happen with your boyfreind. Remember, when the mice is away...the cat
    will play! I am pretty sure that there will be girls out there in
    contact with your boyfriend, even if they are going with JUST THE BOYS.
    I dont want to sound like a pessamist, but I seen a freind severly hurt
    because her boyfriend went in the army, said he would marry her when
    he got back, BUT then when he went, he found another gal that caught
    his eye and dumped my freind.
    
    Just dont want to see you getting hurt.
    
    Lynne :-)

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re.0    Boy, I hope so.....8^)

In my experience - no, absense does not make the heart grow fonder.  The 
longer you wait - reality sets in and the fondness wears off.  In your 
experience - maybe yes.  I think all situations are different - you need to 
take the "wait and see" approach to this one I think.

    I didn't get a chance to see the base note before it was hidden,
    but based on the replies.....
    
    Yes, I believe that absence does make the heart grow fonder if the
    two people involved really care about each other, there is a
    mutual respect, and a good line of communication.
    
    I am and have been involved in a LDR since November of last year.
    I won't kid you, it has been rough.  In the beginning I had alot
    of doubts that it wouldn't last through the first couple of months.
    I wondered if it was worth it, as did he.  But through lots of phone
    calls, letters and visiting when ever we had the chance, our
    relationship developed into something really special.  I think that
    visiting whenever possible is very important.  I don't think we
    would have what we have if we could be with eachother once in awhile.
    (for us it was once every 2 - 2 1/2 months sometimes longer, for
    a long weekend or even a week if possilbe.)  
    
    A very important thing I must stress is honet communication.  I
    learned the hard way to say whats on my mind before it festers into 
    something much bigger that it really is.  If something's bothering
    you, I strongly suggest getting it off your chest (didn't even try to 
    rythmn).  In the beginning I let something small, that could have been 
    settled easily, get me so upset over the course of weeks that by the 
    time it came out, my emotions where way out of proportion. 
    
    Things are alot easier now.  It may have been a struggle getting
    here but its made our relationship stronger and I'm getting a wonderful
    man (he's getting a pretty terrific catch, too).  We are now planning
    our wedding.  I'm glad I stuck it out.
    
    So to end my .2 cents - In my case, absence did make the heart grow
    fonder.
    
    Sorry if I rambled, it just kinda came out.
    
    Good luck,
    
    Sandie
    out because we are now planning our wedding  

    Hi,
    
    What has been said in this note has been very interesting and touching.
    
    I have found that if you do like someone that the feelings will stay
    and when with the person you feel stronger and you keep feeling that
    way, at times i hate them and it hurts inside and just try not to think
    of the bad but of the good times spent together....
    
    Also through feeling so much for someone you find that you can't commit
    your self to anyone else, you feel that you are decieving that other
    person.......And makes you feel bad and again it makes your feeling
    stronger........................
    
    
    Tracy

         Presence makes the heart go wander?
    
                                  Greg

    
    Presence makes the lust go farther.
    
    d.

    Re:  Presence
    
    	...take the other for granted.
    
    
    Michelle

    I once heard absinthe makes the heart go wander.....
    
    -Jody
    

	...and I know several less tasteful variations of that punch line...


						--D