Conference quark::human_relations-v1

           It's too bad you have a time constraint on your decision. 
    Without that ultimatum, I'd advise that you take a longer time to make
    such a serious comittment.  With things being as they are, it may be
    better if you just let her go.
    
                                    Greg

"She has _many_ good qualities;  sincere, kind, intelligent, attractive, family
oriented."

So far so good....  You have fun, that's good...

"I am very active.  She is not."

Whoa!  Big trouble!  I know exactly how you feel about wanting someone to share
an active life with.  That's how I felt when I got married to someone who turned
out to be a couch potatoe once the deal was sealed.  Beware of people who will
seem to be what you want untill it's too late.

"Sometimes I feel it's as if I'm searching for a reason not to get married."

You've got a reason, and a good one that requires no searching for.

"Her life plans call for getting married and starting a family ASAP."

Then she doesn't want you, she wants a sperm donar.

"I've heard in love songs, that if you truly love someone you'd never change a
thing about them."

Don't believe everything you hear in love songs.  There is also the possibility
that you love each other, but that you're not suited to be long-term mates.

What you (and her) have to decide is that in view of your differences, how do
yous want to handle it.  Do you want to split now that you know your
differences?  Do you want to enjoy each other's company as you can, while
meeting other people?  Do you want to stay in the same rut that you're in?

Take a look at who and what you are, and what you want out of life.  Take a good
look at your prospective partner.  Have them do likewise.

Sorry to be so blunt, but it is late...  I wish someone had said something
likewise to me when I was 'young & foolisher'.

Jim Baranski.

    I've never been married so you can take what I say with a bag full
    of salt.
    
    It seems to me that marriage is a commitment of the heart and the
    body and of the mind and should hence come from the heart, be expressed
    by the body and leave the mind at rest.
    
    There is a school of thought which says that you shouldn't waste time
    with someone who is not going to agree to be your life-long partner
    while other opportunities slide by.  I think that this mentality goes
    against the harmony of interpersonal interaction or the "Zen of Life".
    It's the hunter-seeker philosophy - get what you feel you need -
    get it quick - and cut the bullshit; there's families to start,
    mortgages to pay, white picket fences to build and ruts to get stuck
    in.
    
    It's not the biggest decision of your life because if you take the time
    to let the fires in your mind cool down, the answer and the next step
    will become obvious.  Take a break, be at peace with your own mind.
    Relax.
    
>    		On the one hand, the thought of life without her is scary.
>	On the other hand, I'm a little concerned about life with her.

    Don't feel you have to make a commitment like marriage out of fear of
    the alternative.  You'd be cutting your life against the grain if you
    did.  I have friends who are into their twelfth year of university,
    not out of love of knowledge but out of fear of the world outside
    the campus walls.
    
    What a crappy way to live a life.
    
    Kris

	IMHO, you are NOT ready to be married.

	>>> She is not what I was "looking for", but I'm not sure my 
	>>> "wish list" was so important after all.  

	So you'll just take what you can get?  You don't think you can
	find any better?  THIS should be a major clue, right here.  
	You're certainly not going to be doing her OR yourself any big
	favors with this attitude.

	Your note is chock full of doubts and fears.  Getting married
	isn't going to change that.  And getting married because you
	are frightened by the thought of being without her is, in itself,
	a frightening concept.

	You need to start a new wish list.  One that establishes what you
	want/need/expect out of a longterm relationship, for both you and
	your parter.  And this is one you need to stick to.

	And don't rule out the possibility of getting personal counselling 
	to help you find out more about your wants and needs.

	Good luck.

	Carol

    I must concur with what most of the replys so far have said.
    
    I once nearly made a major mistake.  I had just about every major
    doubt in the world - everything we believed in/wanted differed.
    I eventually decided that "forever" would not be a good thing in
    this relationship, but thought I would go on seeing him for a while
    longer.  Well it lasted about two week longer.  I think I'd stopped
    trying to kid myself by that stage and thought "what am I doing
    with someone with who I have nothing in common, and .. (gasp - horrid
    realization) I didn't even LIKE".
    
    It made me realise that no matter how hard and lonely and unfulfilling
    it can be to be on your own (and believe me I know how hard ...)
    it's better than being with the wrong person ... especially one
    with whom you have no interests in common.
    
    It IS very important for you to have common interests, not identical
    maybe, but some in common (especially the things that are most
    important to you) and to have a similar outlook/morals.
    
    My advice, FWIW, is DON'T marry this person.  Make that clear to
    her, but maybe keep seeing her.  If she can't accept this then perhaps
    it's better to let it die a death, hard as that may be ...
    
    Jenny

    
    Why not try living together for a while.  I for one wish I had done it
    before I got married.  I wouldn't be in the mess I am in now.  My
    girlfriend loved everything I did and seemed to love all my interest
    until marrige spoiled all of this.  Over the next few years it all
    changed and the only thing we ended up having in common were 2
    beautiful kids and bills.  Now it's back to the drawing board and
    starting over single but now it's a whole lot more expensive (ie: child
    support, apartment, accumulated bills over the years etc,etc,etc). 
    Weekend fathering and so on.  There is a lot to consider before making
    a perminate commitment and I could go on and on about what happened to
    my marrige (Both parties in the wrong) but that's another story in it's
    self.
    
    P.S. the ole oposite's attract is the sign of the truly desparate...
    
         <I heard that line on Cheers>

    I am convinced that the critical component of successful marriage
    is shared values.  How do you and your beloved approach money? family
    commitments? politics? religion?  How often do you give up what
    you want for her willingly and happily?  How often does she do the
    same for you?  Is it even, or close to it?  Do you have *any*
    activities that you enjoy doing together?  There must be some, or
    when the hard times come you won't have a common basis to work from
    or hold you together.  Answer the questions for yourself, discuss
    them with your beloved if you don't know her thoughts.  Then reach
    your own conclusions.
    
    As an aside, it is possible to find women who like the things you
    do, and to include children as you do them.  I come from a family
    that is proof of it.
    
    Alison

    	I must disagree with the thought that living together for 
	a while would help you decide.  (Now don't yell everyone, 
	I 'DO' believe that there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with 
	living together.)  You see, I LIVED with my ex-husband a 
	little over 2 years before we were married.  Once he got 
	that little piece of paper in his hands that said we were 
	"legally committed" to each other he did an about face.  
	He was no longer the person that he seemed to be while we 
	were living together.  We were married for a little over
	3 years, and after trying to work things out and even going 
	through counseling the marriage ended.  Yes, I get lonely 
	some times.  Yes, it's scary being alone some times.  But 
	I survived (at least so far).

	There are no fairy tale endings!  If there's ANY doubt now, 
	then it NEVER gets better, only WORSE.  

	MHO,

	Connie 

    You should let her go.
    
    Obviously you are not ready for as serious a commitment as marriage.
     Lots of people are frightened of letting go of their loved ones
    (if even if they ARE a mis-match) simply because they are afraid
    they will never find anyone else.  Well, there's a million people
    out there, the right one will come along.
    
    You have some serious differences, do you really think that settling
    down and your sweetheart immediately plunging into motherhood is
    going to make your life any better?
    
    If you have any doubts at all, you should get out.  Especially with
    the "ultimatum" hanging over you.  If she loves you, she'd give
    you room to breathe.
    
    This is in my own opinion, of course ... I wish you the best of
    luck!
    
    Tammi
    

    Dear Base note author,

    You note is filled with "red flag" statements. If you reread it I think
    deep down inside you may know the answer's to your own questions.

    Besides what has already been addressed, I'd be concerned about your
    girlfriends "rush" to get married and start a family. Is she
    unsatisfied with her current lifestyle? She needs to understand that
    marriage will not magically make her life more fulfilling. If she is
    unsatisfied now she will end up being a married mother that is
    unsatisfied with her life. Marriage can't fill that kind of void. I
    thought this might be a possibility, based on your description of her
    being inactive. 

    It sounds like you are considering marriage "because you are supposed
    to" . Wrong reason! There are other woman out there who have all the
    good qualities that you respect but they'll also be more compatible in
    the other areas. You've got to get the courage to decide to look for
    them. And when you do, you'll be able to clearly understand the reasons
    that people *want* to get married, these reasons have allot to do with
    sharing, respect, communication and common values and goals. They have
    nothing to do with "because we've been dating X years we're supposed
    to be getting married"
    
    Gail

    I have two friends who were seeing each other, then living together,
    for 7 years before they married.  They were very different - she
    like to go out, he liked to stay home - she was playful, he was
    sedate.  But they got past their differences and learned to cooperate,
    collaborate, communicate, and share their very best with one another
    - and accept that they wouldn't always want to do the same thing
    at the same time.  Neither was sedentary, though, they both exercised,
    so this is where your story differs from theirs.  Point was, they
    made it work without changing drastically who they were.
    
    Curious anecdote - my first year of college I met and fell in love with
    a man.  I was quite overweight, had bad asthma, and he was of normal
    weight and pretty healthy. He never really mentioned that by being with
    me he missed doing lots of outdoorsy things.  However, when he dumped
    me a year and a half later, he mentioned he wished I were more
    athletic, and that was one of the reasons he didn't want to continue
    with me - he didn't think we shared something that was vital to
    him.  Several years later, I saw him recently.  He is married now.
    I have since become pretty active, and he has since become pretty
    sedentary.  A curious switch.  People change.  You might.  She might.
     Then again you might not.  There are no guarantees in a relationship.
    Maybe you could make a chart of things you find positive about the
    relationship - things you can share.  Things you can't share but
    wish you could.  And maybe picture where you'd like to be with her
    in 2 years....5 years....10 years.....
    
    Also, sounds like she's in a very FAMILY frame of mind, and if you're
    unsure about marriage, DON'T get a family so quickly!  It could
    be a BIG MISTAKE - because if the relationship is not as bug-free
    before children come along, children may strain the relationship
    to a critical (and ugly) point......
    
    Stop...think...weight the alternatives...it sounds like you're willing
    to bend over backwards for her - would she do some things for you?
     Would she bend her calendar a bit more to yours?  Would she negotiate
    and work with you to your mutual benefit?
    
    Think about it...
    
    -Jody

    One mistake to avoid in a relationship is having too dissimilar
    interests. If you like to do outside things alot, and she likes to stay
    in, this may be a problem. If she always wants you to be around, then
    it will, be cause you'll really want to be elsewhere. If she doesn't
    mind that you do outside things while she does inside things, you can
    be ok. Let me caution you about having ALL of the same interests,
    though. Then you feel as though you can never do anything without her
    without "leaving her out." That's no better than never doing anything
    together.
    
    You say "I would rather make love; she would rather read." I would
    heartily suggest you make sure you are satisfied with your sex life
    BEFORE you get married. (Not that this is any guarantee. Every man I 
    know complains he doesn't get enough once he's married. :-) This is
    especially important if fidelity is important to your spouse! Fighting
    your hormones with your commitment to your spouse is not fun. Can you
    say "lose-lose?"
    
    I'm not going to tell you to flush the relationship. It may yet work
    out to your mutual satisfaction. However, I suggest that you break
    tradition and _make a decision_, after thoughtful consideration, of
    course.
    
    The Doctah

    I have hidden the base note at the request of the anonymous note's
    author.  I don't think a synopsis will be useful at this point.
    
    I apologize for any inconvenience. 
    
    			Steve