Conference quark::human_relations-v1

Actually, the answer is easy. If you need to ask "*Am* I too young to
be getting married in this day and age?", you are.


>	...is what I'm feeling normal?

For you, it must be. I don't think there is a universal measure of
what, exactly, is 'normal' in such matters. I know of others that
have gone through the same self questioning. It was normal for them, 
as well.


>	Should I keep things the way they are?

Please do not take anyone's advice on this. As difficult as it may
be, you should reach your own decision. That said, here's **my**
take: on the job, it is not wise to make long term decisions when
one is not REASONABLY SURE of objectives, goals, strategy and
tactics. This seems to apply pretty well to the Engineering
environment. It is just as applicable to personal situations. 

-- Ron 

    sounds like you're hiding a lot of uncertainty from your fiancee'.
     If he is so open-minded and caring, why not share with him the
    fact that you are not sure of yourself in many ways - and this causes
    you unrest.  Explain to him you may want to wait to marry him in
    order to make SURE he is the right one - you have had no other really
    serious relationships before this.  Maybe go out with male friends
    and talk to them (seeing someone else doesn't have to be physical)
    and see if that helps your yearning for other men.  It may just
    be you need a breath of fresh air company-wise, so to speak - so
    hang out with some different "company" for a while.
    
    Also - look into career counseling.  I have a friend who was married
    at 19 and is happy as a clam (no, it's not EASY, but it's a very
    solid marriage) - I have other friends who are 28 and say they still
    don't feel like settling down - there's too much to try, to learn,
    to see, to do.
    
    TALK to your fiancee' - share with him - let him know your feelings.
    In theory, my idea of a mate would probably include him also as
    one of my best friends.  If you can't talk to him about your deepest
    feelings - what trust is the relationship based on?
    
    -Jody
    

>	Recently, I have found myself attracted to certain men that
>	have come into my life.  And recently and old flame came into
>	my life that I am finding I would love to start a relationship
>	with.


    If your feeling this now, getting married is not going to make it
    magically disappear. 

    My advice to you is don't get married out of a sense of obligation to
    you fiance. I see you praise him as being a nice guy etc. In other
    words he's the type of man woman would want to marry, and here you 
    are having doubts. It's OK to have doubts but the above phrase tells 
    me there is more than passing doubts involved. 

    You definitely need to get these doubts out into the open. The two of
    you may decide to put the engagement on hold. The further into wedding
    plans you get the more obligated you are going to feel to get married.
    Think ahead past the wedding. With all the excitement of being engaged
    isn't holding you attention to your fiance I can't image what the daily
    drone of "married life" will do.

    Do talk to him about it.  
    
    I wish someone told me this when I was 21...live n learn
    
    Gail

    I liked Jody's last paragraph, and I agree with it.  
    
    If I were you I would put off the wedding.  Marriage is a real big
    step (big commitment, etc.).  Postpone the wedding for a while and talk
    to your fiance'.  Then decide if you still want to continue with
    the relationship, or see other people.
    
    I am getting married in June, and I am not having any doubts or cold
    feet.  I know it's right.  If I was unsure about it, I would call it
    off or postpone it. 
    
    Good luck.
    Carol   

    I married on my 21st birthday. Wendy was 20. We met at Grammar School
    when rather young an started going out at 19. Its now almost 13 years
    of happiness later. Some thoughts:
    
    o Being married doesn't stop you feeling attracted to other people.
      It's up to you to be faithful (aka monogamous) I always have been and
      plan to be so in the future. Others aren't. It's a matter of personal
      choice.
    
    o If you wait to be sure about a relationship you are wise. If you wait
      to be sure of a marriage, you may never find out. Be happy about
      the commitment to the relationship or don't indulge in it!
    
    o A *lot* of people have second thoughts in the lead-up to a marriage.
      You're not alone in wondering if it would be better to wait. Some do
      and profit by the waiting - divorce is expensive and messy,
      especially if children are involved.
    
    - ���

    
    I liked Jody's comments. I'll add one thing though...
    
    Now it the time to communicate with your prospective husband!  It gets
    harder later if if you don't.  Being able to be honest about you unrest
    with him will be important now as later.  Therapists spend more time
    trying to get couple to say whats 0n their mind instead of waiting
    until anger drives them to say something they may wish they hadn't.
    
    In plain english talk it over and work it out with the person you
    plan to marry.
    
    john
    

    There is something here no-one has addressed: you are both living
    together.  If you are questioning something as important as postponing
    or calling off the wedding, you need to LIVE BY YOURSELF.  Having
    your S.O. around ALL the time is not going to allow you time to think,
    go out with other people, reevaluate your life.
    
    It is so comfortable coming home to someone every night that your
    priorities get muddled.

    Getting married is a BIG step in ones life and should not be taken
    lightly. If you have *any* kind of doubts about it and don't feel
    comforatable with yourself, *don't* get married.  Remember you are
    going to be with this person a long time and if you have doubts right
    from the start, they will not go away, they will probably get worse
    once you are married.  Being married is wonderful if you are happy and
    comforatable with your relationship, and with yourself.  
    
    Before you take the "plunge" get your priorities straight, you will
    feel better once you do.  
    
    best of luck,
    
    Lynne

    If your fiance is non-possessive and lets you have your freedom,
    then there should be plenty of opportunity for you to grow, even
    in the relationship.  Many relationships are so exclusive that it's
    difficult to maintain close friendships with members of the opposite
    sex.  If you maintain a certain amount of freedom, then you can
    still grow and explore, and the relationship won't hold you back from
    doing anything important, pursuing your own interests, etc.
    
    I agree that you shouldn't get married if you're having doubts.
    However, it would be a real shame if you didn't get married, dated for
    a few more years, and then decided that the man you really wanted was
    your ex-fiance, after it was too late.
    
    Can you spend some time with some of these other men without actually
    "dating", so you can see how you feel about them?  Have lunch with
    them?  If you have the space to do that, you might see that you really
    prefer what you already have.
    
    You've listed some very nice characteristics in your fiance.  He sounds
    like a really nice guy.  I hope you both wind up happy in the long run.
    
    Good luck,
    Paula

    
    I doubt that your quandry has anything to do with being *too young*.
    
    It seems to me that your hesitation revolves around your "perception"
    of the committment you would be making...and "your" perception of
    your fiance's "perception" of the committment you both would be
    making...
    
    My first point is obvious...like several noters have already suggested,
    it would seem reasonable and advantageous to have a serious discussion
    with your "intended"...if you feel you cannot have this discussion,
    it would seem to me that said something in-and-of-itself.
    
    My second point is [I think] less obvious, and [based on the mad
    scientist theory of genius and madness...grin] perhaps less
    valid...
    
    But...
    
    When *I* start using phrases like..."maybe I am too old" {I had
    to give up "too young" a while ago...}, it ususally means I am
    looking for a cop-out instead of taking responsibility for *I*
    want or need. In other words, I don't want to have to say to
    someone that I care about..."Look, I think I have made a mistake here,
    and I am not sure I want to committ to the level of relationahip that
    "marriage" implies..." So, instead I say things like..."You know, I 
    am too young for this...maybe in a year or two..."
    
    I always think I am being more kind...but in reality I am being less
    so. I I were feeling this way, I would know that I had to take
    responsibility for how I was feeling and admit those feelings to
    this person. Then, if it works out...that's fine, if it doesn't,
    it wouldn't have in the future either.
    
    [And a PS to the comments about waiting and missing out on
    the love of your life....]
    
    PERSONAL OPINION OF DOUBTFUL SUBTLTY FOLLOWS>>>
    
    
    
    
    B***S***!
    
    There are [millions?] of members of the opposit sex in the world.
    If you pass "one" by...no matter how perfect or wonderful...
    your chances are merely reduced by 999,999...multiplied by a factor of
    "n"
    
    Yes, I know that is a pragmatic statement that flies in the face
    of EBB et al...but let's be practical for a brief moment...subscribing
    to that kind of romanticism has caused a lot of unnecessary grief in
    the world.
    
    If this time doesn't work out, there will most likely be at least
    several other opportunities...just as wonderful...lurking in the
    future. 
    
    I am all for risk-taking...and knowing when to cut the S*** and jump;
    however when having serious doubts about marriage [the first time] is
    *not* [I think] a time to go heavy on the "hold your breath and jump
    routine*...
    
    Just my lop-sided thoughts...
    
    Mel

    Hi.
    
    If you are having doubts, wait a while, why don't you move the wedding
    date out so you can see if you truly love him?
    
    My grandpa says that throughout his 55 year marriage there are many
    temptations, but if the love is strong enough, you don't think about
    it.  I believe him.
    
    When I was 18 I got engaged to my HS sweetheart (who was much older
    than me).  I got REALLY cold feet and we decided to cancel the wedding
    to give me time to think.  We ended up separating, as he moved to
    CA and I was in MA.  The distance killed us, but 9 years later here
    I am, still single, and I'll never regret the decision I made so
    long ago.  At times I wondered what it would have been like to be
    married and "secure" (if that's really the word after reading all
    the notes in here from married people!) for the future.  But I'd
    rather be absolutely CERTAIN rather than marry and it not work out.
    
    If he truly loves you he will understand.  Please let us know what
    you decide to work out and good luck.
    
    Tammi
    

    I agree with .7. If you're living with someone and that someone is your
    only serious relationship to date, you may be making a big mistake. Go
    out on your own and live by yourself for awhile. It's a tough way to
    learn but you'll be better for it. You may find you miss the person
    you're living so badly that you'll never ask this question again, or
    you could find that in three weeks you have a hard time remembering his
    name 'cause there's somebody new and exciting. 
    
    I think you should stay away from old flames for a bit and just let new
    ones begin to kindle.
    
    Good Luck...
    
    Ken

    re: .9 "Right on the head !"
    
    re: .0
    
    Several years ago (ok, ok, MANY years ago) while doing a tour of duty
    with Uncle Sam a close aquaintence approached me with the same question
    "Do you think I should get married ..... ?" 
    
    My answer is this "If you need to ask someone elses advice on whether
    or not to get married, DON't ...'. 
    
    .9 makes an excellent point. When two people (who are obviously on good
    terms) are constantly together, they 'get used' to each other .. and
    that leaves very little room for introspective thought. 
    
    Living alone lets one be 'their own person' .. and whether or not to
    share that space with another remains a choice. Living with another
    denies that choice. 
    
    A curious statistic  read several years ago (released allegedly by the
    Roman Catholic Church) , is that he divorce rate amongst those who
    lived together before marriage is the same as those who didn't,
    seemingly belying the notion that living together increases the success
    of an ensuing marriage. 

    For myself, my answer to the notion "that two can live more cheaply
    than one" .. depends on what price one give to self autonomy, self
    determination, and personal freedom. 
   
    Bob
    
    

    
    I guess I would have to agree with most of the rest of the replies
    to this note...mainly because I did make the mistake myself once.
    I was 20, been dating the guy for 5 years, the only MAJOR boyfriend
    I ever had, got married, and 4 months later, we separated.  I went
    into it with some of the same feelings you are, but the main thing
    was that I had doubts AT ALL.  I almost called it off 3 weeks before
    but was too embarrassed to disappoint my family, friends, all the wedding
    plans had been made, the $$ lost, etc..I think it was more embarrassing when
    we split up so soon after! Its not easy to explain...I had a few
    more problems with my ex than it sounds like you have...(he didn't
    want to get ahead, didn't like people, didn't believe in working
    hard, etc..)
    
    But since then, I feel that "next time" there will be no doubts..
    I'm not sure what to tell you to do about it, as far as moving out
    to think, or dating others...that you'll have to figure out for
    yourself...but do yourself the favor and don't do it until youre
    sure.  I came from a divorced family (dad twice), and said it would
    never happen to me...   Well it did.   I guess I learned....but
    wish I hadn't made that big step until I was DEFINATLY sure. I would
    of rather done it just once and be forever.             
    
    But you do learn from your mistakes.
    

    Well, as the voice of experience (almost engaged a few times), here's
    my advice.  I agree that age is not the problem, just a symptom..
    and that if you have any doubts that you shouldn't do it yet.  However,
    I think that postponing the wedding may just putting off the
    inevitable...cancelling it altogether.  Only you know what your gut
    feeling is on this.  When little bells start going off in my head that
    something is wrong I usually lay my cards on the table.  I'm not saying
    that you should do this everytime you're feeling restless, insecure or
    whatever.. but when you KNOW something's not right, I say make a clean
    break.  It'll be easier in the long run.  You won't have to put
    yourself or him through two ordeals (I think I want out, and I know I
    want out).   I guess the bottom line is go with your gut feeling, and
    if you want out of the relationship, JUST DO IT.