Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Jeez, this is scary...  If my ex worked for DEC, I would think this was
    her.  I started hitting these symptoms in a light way when I turned 29; my
    ex got hit in exactly the way you describe starting about, um, 8 months
    ago.  Neither of us seems close to the end of the tunnel.
    
� Is this what "that 30-ish feeling" is all about?
    
    It sure seems like it.  It also might be what that "seven year itch" is all
    about (we'd also been together 8 years).
    
� Where do I start to return to sanity?
    
    Good question.  Neither me nor my ex has gotten an answer yet.
    
� Please help with advice.
    
    The most important pieces of advice that I got were not to make any sudden
    decision and to make an effort to get counselling.  It's funny, we don't
    trust our own intuition but we also seem afraid to talk to anyone else
    about such overpowering, "irrational" problems.  My ex just let it build up
    without discussing it with me, her family, her doctor, or anyone else - her
    personality and health declined but she always blamed the changes on
    something else until she felt compelled to take drastic action.  I'm sure
    that this increased the pain for everyone involved.
    
    For your own sake (and for the sake of those who care for you), stop
    "trying to cover all this up every day".  Instead, open up about the
    problem and seek help.  Even if you do end up making dramatic changes in
    your life, you will have gotten some sanity checks, won't feel so alone and
    on the edge, and will probably have fewer regrets.
    
    Re the sexual yearnings, try to remember past experiences with rebound -
    it's something to be _very_ careful about even if you split up with your
    current partner.
    
    Ray

	Intuition is one of our strongest allies.  I agree that you
	shouldn't do anything rash but please don't let the pressure
	of it all continue to build inside of you while those around
	you mistakenly think everything is the same as always.

	The times before the biggest changes of my life have always
	been painfully riddled with confusion, stress, and lack of 
	trust within myself.  After I plug my nose and jump (just
	like off the high-dive at the swimming pool ... EEK!), it's
	a relief, and by releasing what had been troubling me I've
	been able to open new avenues leading to me for even better
	situations to evolve.

	Listen to what you have to say, and take some time for YOU
	to allow yourself enough time for reflection and evaluation.

							Carla

    The thirty-ish feeling is a state of the mind, don't let a number get
    in your way of enjoying what life has to offer. A lot of people get
    depressed when they hit the big "30", "40" and "50", and it is normal
    to get that way, but don't let it get to you.  Just remember to be
    young at heart, and don't let every little thing bother you :-)!
    
    Have fun! You only live once so LIVE IT UP!
    
    P.S I hit the big "30" in four more years ;-}

Lots of people get nervous about 30, 40, 50.  Lots of people get nervous about
relationships, big life changes.  Sometimes I wonder if those are really the
things they're worried about... or if the "landmarks" just become convenient
points to project and concentrate all the little anxieties that build up over
a lifetime.

Being 30 is the same as being 29... just a year older.  The transition never
bothered me a moment.  But then, I HAVE had moments of the same sort of anxiety
most people seem to associate with such landmarks... I just had them whenever
I saw signs of my life going out of control, not at particular times.

Some people feel young at 50; others feel old at 25.  I knew a woman who was
determined that she had to have a baby NOW, because she could feel that old
"biological clock" ticking... she was several months short of her 28th birthday.
My mother's cousin had her first child at nearly 40... but not out of a sense of
urgency, just because "it was the right time".

I think the first step is to separate your anxieties from the age issue.  Then
perhaps it'll be a little easier to deal with the rest; age is one of the few
things you CAN'T control.

	/dave

    Ah, this sounds frightfully familiar.  I went through a
    similar experience at about the same age.  The hardest and
    worst part of it was defining/facing/accepting what was
    wrong.  I felt trapped and as if I had no control over my
    life and what was happening in it.  And it was true.  I had
    drifted into my job, lifestyle, etc. without thinking about
    any of it.  And that's not to say there was anything wrong
    with any of it; most people (myself included) would have said
    I had a good life, good future, all that stuff.  Turned out
    it just wasn't right for me, so I made lots of changes
    ("helped" along by numerous vagaries of fate).  [This isn't
    to say *you* should go out and make lots of changes in your
    life; you may be exactly where you want to be, doing what you
    want to be doing.]  The point is I had to think about my life
    and realize that there were choices out there and *I* had
    to make them.  Guess I had to learn to take responsibility
    for my life and my actions, to be *conscious* of what was going
    on.  Sometimes there is so much happening in our lives that
    we simply react to events without thinking.  That's what I
    (over)did and it made me miserable and unsure of myself--I
    prefer having a bit more control, knowing what I'm doing.

    Well, that's the bare-bones version of my (not mid-)life
    [I expect to be around a lot longer than that!] crisis; hope
    you can pick something helpful out of it.  Wish I could tell
    you what you really want to know--*how* to work it all out.
    I made such a muck of things on a conscious level that my
    subconscious took over.  I had the most incredible dreams and
    nightmares (and I rarely remembered dreams before this and
    rarely do now), so I'm in agreement with those who say trust
    yourself and your intuition or whatever.  You're the only one
    who can figure it out.  Good luck.

    Nancy
    

    
    Wow...I have no advice to offer....maybe some questions, but perhaps
    you might find something of value in what happened to me 'round about
    30ish...
    
    I was in much the same situation that you describe...'cept I was
    married to my SO....but no kids...changes in the job...etc,etc.
    
    I am not sure that my disillusionment came from being 30...or came from
    being "anything" for an extended period of time. I have found in my
    life...that evey 8-10 years I undergo a re-evaluation of what *I* am
    and what I am *doing*. It is a time when I suffer from grave doubts
    about my choices in life to that point; about what I am becoming; about
    what I wanted to do with my dreams and have not...
    
    It is scarey, and oh-so tantelizing to contemplate cutting the strings
    and letting loose to go do all the things that somehow have gotten lost
    down the cracks of everyday living. But, that is frightening also.
    
    Anyway...my solution? Well, I was married to an exceptional man who
    managed not to take offense at terrifying mood swings and demands to 
    be "separate" and try new things...and even devoted himself to the
    spirit of the thing and helped provide me with time and resources to
    explore some of these issues.
    
    And explore I did...from the safety of always having "home" [whatever
    that is] to run to. And I have each time decided that "home" is a
    better deal....even though I make changes to it each time...
    
    I guess I see this as a normal facet of maturing people. Is it
    unreasonable to expect that each of us will periodically take stock of
    where we have come from and where we have gotten to? I think not. Is it
    unreasonable to expect that SOs and husbands and wives understand what
    is going on and not panic...indeed that they even help you explore? I
    thin not also...but this is much less easy to pull off...takes a bunch
    of talking and a bunch of old-fashioned luck. Is it unreasonable to
    yearn for what we do not have? I think not...again. I even think it is
    ok-fine to even try it out occasionaly...
    
    I have gone through two of these "periods" now. They are [at the least]
    exhilerating...[at the most] terrifying. I questioned every single
    thing that I thought was "law" in my life...and always ended up
    changing some of them...and keeping some of them.
    
    I would like to comfort you by saying that its ok and it will work
    out...but that is not necessarily true...is it? I know bunches of folks
    that come out the other end and are never the same people again...
    but they *are* inevitably who they are meant to be...don't you think?
    
    So...talk to the people close to you...tell them what is going on. That
    you don't *know* what is going on...give them a chance to be supportive
    and helpful...then go for it. It will happen whether you will or not..
    so my advice [if I had any to give] would be to be pro-active about it.
    Don't let things happen *to* you....*make* things happen to you.
    
    And...cross your fingers and say a prayer.
    
    Melinda
    

Take the time to consider who and what you are, and how you came to be that way.
It's a good thing to look over your life every once in a while.  Ask yourself
what if you are what you want to be, and how you can change to be more what you
want to be and be happier.

You may decide that it's time for some changes, and you may not.  If I were you,
I would try to make changes one at a time instead of all at once.  It's more
managable that way.  Maybe start with some minor changes at first.  Make sure
you have some support for your explorations and changes, or at least know who
does and doesn't support you, and *why*.  Seperate those who don't support you,
and those who may think you're doing the wrong thing; they are different, the
latter are often good to test your decisions against.

Allow yourself to explore what you haven't before.  If you try something that
you don't like, don't do it again.  If you do find it appealing, think about it
a bit, and make your decisions.

Jim.

The feelings you are experiencing are not from reaching '30' or some
other magic number.  They are part of the process of maturing.  A
realization that some of the things you've been conditioned to believe
don't ring true any more.

Perhaps you're feeling unsure about some of the commitments that define
your life, and what they are really based on.

We live in a society that places great value on getting ahead, being
financially successful, individual freedom, but freedom to do what?
What is the purpose of all these things we work so hard to achieve?

A hundred years ago, people saw their work as a calling.  A person
who became a blacksmith was making a commitment to provide a needed
service to the community they lived in.  Today we work for large
bureaucratic organizations, where the value of our work is often abstract
and far removed from our daily lives.  Many see their careers as just a
way to earn a living, and perhaps some respect from their peers.

For me, I've found meaning in my connections to other people.
I see myself as part of a bigger life that has existed for thousands
of years.  Try to imagine all the people who came before us, the
challenges they faced, the contributions they made.  They're part
of us, just as we're part of the future.

My suggestion:  Find something truely worthwhile to volunteer at,
and become involved with other people to make a difference.  There are
so many problems facing our planet today, we are all needed.

- Peter

    Re 8
    
    I agree with you 100 %!! It is a part of maturing and there is no way
    to escape it.  Volunteer work is very good to get involved in to get
    your mind off of things that bother you, it is also fun and you are
    helping others too!
    
    Lynne

    On the plus side__
    
    The thirities were some of the best years of my life!  I learned
    more, grew more, and enjoyed more than at any other time in my
    life.
    
    Hoping yours will turn out to be as fulfilling,
    
    Barb

   Personally I think that we continue to go through 'stages' like
    kids do as adults. The book "Passages' was a very helpful one
    for me. My turning 30 was *very* rough for me, but that was
    because a *lot* of things hit me that year. We adopted our
    third child that year, plus I decided not to got for my PhD,
    and we didn't buy a house that I wanted terribly...and I had
    to stop wearing contact lenses and went  back to glasses, and
    I lost my job...the first one I'd had out of college..and my
    metabolism changed about that time and I started gaining the 
    weight that is now something I dearly wish to be rid of.
    
    But much as 40 was *miles* easier for me, the summer I was 42 was
    awful! My oldest son went off to college that year and I was
    feeling very weird...I wasn't happy in my job and my husband had
    the first symptoms of a physical problem that took 2 years to
    resolve. So we all have our passages, and I do know  what it
    means to look back on a time and see that everything looked
    bleak and that issues that mattered seemed to have lost their
    flavor...and that issues that I used to care for, I had fallen
    away from.
    
    It is a time of growth, and having coped with it, I think,
    like Mel, that such personal examination is a very positive
    time, rough as it is to live through.
    
    Bonnie

	This reply is being posted anonymously for the author of the basenote -

	Joe Jasniewski

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the author of the basenote, I'd like to thank you all for your support
and suggestions. I hope that in adding an update to my situation I might
help someone else whose going through the same sort of watershed.

With hindsight, my feelings were not to do with my age.
They were connected with stress and "burnout".

But the kicker was that these forces were pushing me towards facing a
FAR DEEPER problem that I had been ignoring for most of my adult life.
I realise now that the panic I was feeling was out of proportion to
what I *thought* was the problem (hence trying to reject my feelings
as "invalid" or "not worth bothering with") - but quite in keeping
with the size of the real problem.

With hindsight the biggest blindspot that I had was not seeing that I
needed help. I took a short-term solution - went on holiday, improved
my relationship at home, and felt "better". It's taken another crisis
- more painful and more immediate than the first - to make me finally
seek support.

I've found it tough to admit that I need a counsellor, or therapist,
or whatever. I'm now looking for that on-going support, and taking
things very much one step at a time.

If any of this rings true with you, please be good enough to yourself
to reach out. It's scary, but also a great relief, and the first step 
towards healing.