Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    The details are different, but otherwise it's exactly how I've
    been feeling . . . along with a lot of "But I'm too old to be
    having another baby!  I must have been out of my mind!"  As if 35
    is old . . .
    
    Have you read Gail Sheehy's book _Passages_?   It's rather old and
    in some ways quite superficial, but it does offer considerable
    reassurance that we're normal and that this is a normal stage of
    growing up.  I don't know whether she actually coined the term
    "mid-life crisis" but she talks a lot about where it comes from,
    what it means, and what you can do about it.  
    
    --bonnie

    Hi Paula,
    
    I really think you've hit the burnout point.  I know you work long
    hours and there is alot of pressure on you.  You also push yourself
    going to school at night.  
    
    My advice is to take a session or two off from school and get out as
    often as you can.  Take your husband and the kid/kids and head up to
    the mountains.  It's hard to get motivated sometimes but "do it".
    
    Hang in there Paula.  If you need to bend someone's ear sometime, feel
    free to call me (I have big ears and a stong shoulders), I'll even
    supply the kleenex.
    
    Take care,
    
    Tom

    I think it's a transition, Paula.  I'm 42, and all my closest friends,
    and my sister who is 41, are going through something a lot similar.
     I've been in that mode for about two years now, and I have a friend
    who is experiencing the same thing, and she's about 54, so it may
    last for awhile.
    
    Perhaps it's part of the maturing process and a natural phase of
    growth.  I've learned to accept it as part of life and am seeking
    to understand what I may learn from the experience.
    
    Just know you're not alone...
    
    Hugs and Support,
    Barb

Paula,

	I'm responding to a collection of lines from your note:


> and yet feel lost inside? 
> You re-evaluate everything, looking for something "important."
> You wonder what you can do to help the children who are starving around 
  the world. 
> You lose interest in things for which you always had a passion they 
  begin to all look alike.
> You wake up one morning and realize you don't know how to have fun, anymore.
> Where are your relationships with people, while your nose is buried in a book?
> You feel a very private confusion.


	I can't answer your question about what's going on inside a person, but
I don't feel it has anything to do with age, but more with a level of maturity.
Perhaps there are ways out of this thinking and feeling.  All of the following
is purely opinion on my part.....

	We learn to succeed at things in life, and for many, the challenges 
in life are not really difficult and hard.  Sure, they are time consuming 
and take work, but we learn to pace the work and overcome the challenges.  We 
also have the necessities and toys we want, or are slowly recovering them from 
financial institutions while we maintain custody of them.  Our lives may have 
become too centered on our own wants, needs, desires, feelings, and comforts.

	Life, for many, is missing the challenge of having to depend on our
abilities to get us through from day to day, things become routine, or not far
from the beaten path.  Our accomplishments are not there to stand back and 
admire; they are just hours in front of a tube, or pieces of plastic that roll 
away from us at an assembly line.  Our zest for life dwindles as boredom sets 
in.  

	Perhaps a solution to this is putting oneself in a situation where the
comfort level changes.  The situation should force you to depend on your 
abilities, or immediately respond to someone else whose needs are greater than 
your own.  In any situation, you should not be able to predict the results of
your input - you must realize that you may NOT be able to succeed at what you 
set out to accomplish.  This must be just as viable an outcome as succeeding.

	Possible avenues of pursuit:

	1  Get involved with an organization that is trying to better the
community.  Try something like working on a drug hot-line, a teen crisis center,
the Guardian Angles, or a volunteer ambulance or fire-fighting team.  You may
find the value in your life from trying to help others who desperately need
help.  The real challenge is there because the person you assist may not 
respond, or someone may not pull through, no matter how much effort you put 
into the situation.

	2   A more personal approach may be a week or two on an Outward Bound 
program - I've talked with a few people who have been there, and each has 
carried away strengths which they discuss with energy and enthusiasm that makes 
the experience seem like yesterday, though years later.  There is a real
challenge because your next meal and shelter will come from your own hands, no
help from the society at large.

	3   Another approach may be to seek inward for self realization: perhaps
through the practice of yoga or meditation - not just the average community
center approach, but one with a true focus on learning who the inner person you
are really is.  The challenge is perseverance - only you can see it through to
an end point - or new beginning point.

	There are many other approaches, but any approach must cause a certain
amount of rigorous looking inward in order to `know thyself.'   Any approach 
that works is good as there is no one right path - and everyone needs to find 
    their own answers.

Eric

	
    

    re .1  Bonnie - I read Passages about 15 years ago; maybe time for
           another go at it.  Thanks!
    
    re .2  Hi Tom.  Haven't seen you in a while.  I probably should take
           off a term or two, but I'm almost done!
    
    re .3  Thanks for the encouragement, Barb.  It's good to know there
           are so many others feeling the same way.  But it would be nice
           to "outgrow."
    
    re .4  Eric - funny you should mention doing something with an
           uncertain outcome, with a lower comfort level.  I just took off
           on a 4-day vacation with less than $100, and a gasoline credit
           card.  I think semi-consciously I wanted to see how I'd make
           things work out - a little test.  Sort of an adventure.  I went
           places I'd never been before - Taos, Chaco Canyon, etc.  I
           expected the countryside to be dry, scrubby, and ugly, but it
           turned out to be some of the most beautiful I've ever seen!
    	   I camped in a beautiful spot near Los Alamos, and was awakened
           several times during the night by howling coyotes.  Also took
           a ride through the mountains in a circa 1890's train, and drove
           the last 300+ miles home with $3.  Spent part of the night in
           a county jail being fed coffee and cookies by the deputies to
           wake me up for the rest of the drive home. (I had wandered in to
           see which route to take to avoid the snowstorm in the
           mountains.)  Now I'm ready for a week's stay wandering around 
           Chaco Canyon looking at ancient indian ruins, and feeling the
           atmosphere.  By the way - I'm taking one of your suggestions and
           looking for a Teen Crisis center.  For the past couple years one
           of my concerns has been teenage suicide.  Kids that age
           *shouldn't* have insurmountable problems.  I really appreciate
           the suggestions.
    
    Have a good weekend, all!
    Paula

    
    One thing I've found is that our beliefs and naivite get eroded over
    time. If you're not careful, they can be eroded to nothing at all.
    
    As I've matured (I'd not claim to be completely mature yet at 33) I've
    discovered new joys in old activities. For instance the acquisition of
    a portable CD player for my office allowed me to rediscover music.
    
    The great joy of my life has been the continual rediscovery of the love
    between my wife, my children and me. In 12 years of marriage, Wendy and
    I have fallen in and out of love many times, in many ways.
    
    Life has to be fun. When that stops, consider that changing your stance
    will change your viewpoint, most probably.
    
    - ���

    You sound like you are burned out, but it seams like you have a
    "wonderful life" and everything is going fine.  Dont complain about
    that aspect!!!  Just spice up your life a little!! Take your wife out
    dancing, go shopping (buy something frivolous!!!), join a volunteer
    group ( I belong to a public access group and I love it).  Dont let
    life get stale on you!! Enjoy it!!!!!

    
    A bore only stops talking to see if you're still listening.
    
    There are 2 kinds of bores - those who talk too much and those who
    listen too little.
    
    A bore is as hard to get rid of as a summer cold.
    
    Someone described a bore: "He reminds me of a toothache I once had.
    
    A bore keeps you from feeling lonely and makes you wish you were.
    
                                RM

My cousin got a laugh from a bunch of us at a party when she
lamented about a guy she had just split up with and was bored with:

	If he never calls me again, it will be too soon !