Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    Options -
    
    1. A 4 year/one year after graduationg nursing school engagement...
    lets you both now that the commitment is there, but won't interfere
    with her schooling...
    
    2. live together...In a lota ways a lease is more binding than an
    engagement - its easier to tell you fiance to buzz off than the
    landlord/lady...
    
    grins,
    
    clark.

    > But I don't want to wait three years to plan my future either. 
    
    What's your hurry?  You're not planning your future - you will be
    living it.
    
    Kris
                                           

    Tell her how you feel!  That's it!  Just tell her what you're telling
    us!  It's so simple, isn't it?!?
    
    Act!  Go after it!  Express yourself!  
    
    If you really love her, LET HER KNOW!
    
    She MAY NOT be ready.  Her plans may not flow with yours, BUT... that
    doesn't stop you from letting your strong feelings for her be known!
    
    Tell her!  Today!  Just doit!
    
    Dwight

    RE: .3
    
    I might not be so eager to give that suggestion.  Two guys have done
    that in my life within the last 4 years, and they succeeded in scaring
    me away so quickly, neither knew what hit them!...
    
    I think that if you try to force your love for a person onto another
    person, when you know that person doesn't feel the same way towards you
    is doing nothing more than laying a guilt trip on the other person.
    
    If you really love a person, then I think you should wait until you
    know that person is ready to accept your love, before you throw it on
    them. Too many people have reasons why they can't/won't love a person,
    and forcing it only makes the matter worse.
    
    Just a my 5� worth mind you...

    I agree with .4 -- coming on too strong at this point is liable to
    give her the impression that you want her to make a choice between
    you and her career ambitions. 
    
    Be supportive, be her friend, and see what grows.
    
    --bonnie

    I think you're making decisions for her.  What makes you think you
    would stand in the way of her studies?  Maybe she's perfectly capable
    of both studying and loving!  Or are you really afraid her studies
    will take *her* away from *you*?  Ask her, point blank, if you are
    prepared for an answer.  I suspect you aren't, yet.

    .4 & .5  Why shouldn't they talk about it, the writer of the note
    has said that they love each other. His friend may just be waiting
    for him to bring up the subject.
    
    There are many comfortable solutions to the problem, and the only
    way they'll find them is if they discuss them.  If she doesn't want
    an exclusive relationship during her studies, then thats something
    she should tell him.   
    
    My two cents!!!
    

    	Thanks for all the suggestions. I think there are a couple of
    things  that I should of clarified a little in the base note. 

    	In the base note I mentioned that we each initiated a breakup. I,
    myself initiated the first, but after six months just didn't enjoy
    being away from her any longer. I didn't go crawling back to her, but
    did apologize for hurting  her and asked for another chance, she
    graciously took me back, what more could  I say. The same was the
    instance for when she gave me the boot, she said she  needed time to
    think, breathe, etc. I told her I knew how she felt and sort of 
    encouraged her to do what she had to do, despite the hurt that I was
    feeling.  She called every now and then during the second breakup ( 2-3
    time a month).  I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was
    hurting just as much, if  not more about the breakup and that and end
    was near. But the male ego just had to wait for her to make the first
    move. Needless to say she did. She expressed  her feelings for me and
    everything has been great ever since. 

    	Now if we had met for the first time recently the commitment that
    she  has with school would not be a problem. But we have already been
    together  for three years ( counting the time off). I guess I could say
    that I would rather see her succeed in school by putting in the time
    for her studies, rather that  having to plan for a future wedding,
    which wouldn't be able to take place for  three years anyways. My first
    concern is for her well being and her personal  achievements. If I ever
    felt, for any instance of time that she has no  intentions for the
    future with me and that the "committment" would scare the hell out of
    her as it obviously has to some of the women that read this note. I
    would have ended the relationship long ago. 

    	But I also have to start thinking about myself now. There are a
    number of decisions that I have to make that will probably affect me or
    us for the rest of my or our lives. I love her very much, and know her
    love is the same. But  considering the circumstances with her school
    wouldn't feel comfortable  being engaged at the moment. For all I know
    she could be waiting for me to say  this to her.


    	Thanks again,	
        I appreciate the replies!

    
    
    I think you are holding this discussion with the wrong people.
    
    

    
    
    	It seems that this guy does indeed love this woman...
    
    
    	My advice would be to let it go for awhile and see how things
        go with her commitment to school. If, say after a couple of
    	months or so things are still great, have the discussion 
    	with her at that time. Concerning the future of the both of
    	you. If by chance she is not ready for anything at that time
    	you'll have to make the decision on whether you want to stay
    	in the situation. If not i'm sure you won't have a problem 
    	finding another lady after reading .8
    
    Doug

    
    May I offer a suggestion?   
    
    Maybe you should wait a year.  I say a year because she may change
    her mind.  Everyone's entitled!  And, as you said she just recently
    changed from a hairdressing career to a nursing career.  Maybe Nursing 
    isn't for her.  Nursing tends to be pretty brutle.  Not to imply that 
    she can't do it. 
    
    I, of all people understand planning for the future, but maybe you're 
    thinking the worse, before it happens.  Give yourself that time as
    well.  You've invested this long in this relationship, and you've
    both realized that you really do love each other.  Another year
    wouldn't hurt....  Would it???
    
    Best Wishes to you both....
    
    M.L.
    
    
                
    

    I agree with .6.  
    
    I'm married, have children, work full time, and go to school - usually
    half-time, sometimes fulltime (along with work).  (This isn't an old
    marriage that's just hanging together out of habit - I've been married
    only several months this time, and DO want to spend time with my
    husband and children.)
    
    Why can't you be married or engaged while she's in school?  I don't
    see the problem.
    
    Aside from that, I agree you should talk with her, tell you how you
    feel, and listen to how she feels.
    
    Best Wishes,
    Paula 

    re .-1  That should be "Why does school interfere with marriage?"
            My terminal went haywire.