| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 839.1 | on the enthusiasm part - it may not be permanent | LEZAH::BOBBITT | invictus maneo | Fri Sep 08 1989 16:56 | 30 |
| I found that just before/during my most recent "break-up" I was receptive
to new men in a serious-kind-of-way. But for about a year after that,
I wasn't. I met lots of nice people, but I couldn't seem to look
at them in "that light". Just in the past few weeks I met a person
I could have felt strongly about, but he lives far away, and I don't
get the impression the feeling was mutual.
What this did prove to me was that my non-receptiveness was not
permanent, and:
1) when a relationship ends, there are old feelings, perhaps a
bit of sadness, some mourning, some loss, and a great deal of wariness
(once bitten, twice shy)....
2) if you are going to be receptive, it will not be to everyone
- there will be certain people who will attract your attention (as
always) - also, just after a relationship, your taste may change
in what attracts you to that certain special someone - so if you
expect to be attracted to the same type of people who attracted
you before - you may be attracted to something different now...
3) be patient with yourself. Don't push yourself and don't push
anyone else. It's when you're least looking that you often find
someone special.
4) best advice to me was - friends first, lovers second - take
your time.
-Jody
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| 839.2 | | COFLUB::WRIGHT | What do you call a Boomerang that doesn't return? | Fri Sep 08 1989 17:11 | 38 |
| >> Lately
>> though I've found it impossible to get excited about one. I doubt that it's
>> because I'm (still) recovering from the most recent one, because that ended
>> almost a year ago. Actually, I believe that my enthusiasm was diminished a bit
>> then too, but not as much as it seems to be now.
My guess would be becuase you haven't found anyone that really appeals
to you enough to drag the emotions back up. Or you could still
be getting over your last relationship. In either case, take your
time, you'll be better off for it in the long run...
>> The worse thing about it is that I would really like to have a relationship
>> (start) - I'm tired of being alone/single and would really like to have someone
>> who I know would be there when I need them.
The worst reason I can think of to start a relationship is "to start
a relationship" being in a relationship with someone becuase you
are tired of being alone is one of the worst things you could do
to them and to yourself. Stay single until you find the right person.
>> I suppose that you could say that the women that I'm meeting aren't "right" for
>> me. But I have more of a feeling that I'm tired of being the initiator for
>> things that aren't working, and that I'm willing to let someone else be the
>> initiator for a while. Unfortunately, in our society, it is still not common
>> for women to be the initiator of a relationship.
True, but do not despair, they are out there... :-)
And yes, it is a nice change to have a women come on to you.
what is probably best thou is where both partners are equally
aggressive...
grins,
clark.
|
| 839.3 | I shouldn't write things like this on Friday... | TLE::RANDALL | living on another planet | Fri Sep 08 1989 17:20 | 46 |
| This is going to sound as corny as anything, but if you're true to
yourself and what you want out of your life right now, that's
going to be the quickest way to a rich new relationship, with
yourself if not with someone else. If you don't feel like dating
for a while, then don't.
Twelve years ago, I felt even less enthusiastic about starting new
relationships than you appear to now. I was just starting
graduate school, thrilled by having the chance to continue my
education even though I was a single mother at the time, and
deeply stimulated by all the new ideas and new ways of looking at
the world. I dated a bit, but it was a nuisance. I even turned
down an invitation to dinner with a cute ex-Marine so I could stay
home and read Aquinas for the first time.
One of the exciting new things I discovered was that science did
not begin, as I had always assumed, with Galileo. I learned there
was a long and diverse history of science and engineering, and I
even browbeat my advisor into letting me take a graduate history
course in the history of science -- not something English majors
usually wanted to take; I had to convince him it was relevant, get
a bunch of special permission papers signed, etc. etc.
The first person I met in the class was Neil. The rest, as they
say, is history . . .
It may well be that at this time in your life, something other
than beginning new relationships is the highest priority in your
life. There are times when one is interested in turning outward,
exploring new people and new ideas. There are times when one
wants to turn inward, delving deeper into friendships that
already exist. There are times one needs to concentrate on
unwinding threads from one's past, or thinking through the
mysteries of life and death, or throwing energy into political
action, or devoting oneself to the next job promotion -- any of
the myriad of life's activities.
If you don't feel like dating right now, go ahead and take time
out. Tell yourself that you're going to concentrate on something
else for a while -- you're not abandoning anything permanently,
just changing your focus for a while. Even if you don't meet the
woman of your dreams, you'll get to know yourself a little better
and you'll give yourself some time to recover and rekindle your
enthusiasm.
--bonnie
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| 839.4 | | LDYBUG::GOLDMAN | Fate just doesn't play fair | Fri Sep 08 1989 18:20 | 17 |
| The previous replies have said things really well...some
really good points were made.
To those I'd just add that if you're not enthused about dating
and putting energy into forming a relationship right now, there's
no one (besides yourself) telling you you have to. The lack of
enthusiasm could be a sign telling you you need some time and
space to/for yourself. Clark's right about not starting a
relationship just to have someone there. Good friends can be so
supportive when you need someone, too.
Take some time for yourself, feel good about yourself. We meet
lots of people in our lifetime...certainly not all of them will
spark interest in a romantic sense. You just never know when that
special someone will show up, and your enthusiasm returns!
amy
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| 839.5 | Out w/ the old | ESKIMO::BFOLEY | | Fri Sep 08 1989 22:30 | 13 |
|
Are you allowing yourself to mourn the loss of
previous relationships? Supressing these feelings
of loss can really screw up your balance of
emotions.
Allowing yourself to fully experience
and purge the old bad feelings including the
forgiveness of the old SO (if there is any
bitterness built up) is crucial for a healthy
happy future.
Bf
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| 839.6 | some thoughts... not advice, really :^) | DEC25::BERRY | OU EST LE SOLEIL | Sat Sep 09 1989 07:13 | 31 |
|
I like what Bonnie had to say. I also agree, don't push it. Don't
get hung up in a trap of possibly having peers egg you on if you're
not ready. Things sometimes just seem to happen. Sometimes, we
need to give ourselves special attention and not focus on others
and what does "so-in-so" think.
Plant seeds, but don't stand still and watch for growth. Keep moving,
keep planting. Sooner or later, relationships will sprout. This
works for me. Always has. I've been through a marriage and a couple
of relationships after, and found that a "newly" discovered friend
stops you from reflecting on what went wrong with the others.
Talk of initiating sort of bothers me. Makes me think you're trying
to hard to "settle down." I say, "Dwight, forget that crap. Just
enjoy who you're with. Be glad you "can" still share, and that
"someone else" is happy to be sharing "with" you."
Every relationship is exciting, because it's learning! People are
neat creatures. If you think back, you'd probably agree that you
have some wonderful times with some of the people that has come
into your life. Heck, I know that's true for me. Even with my
"X" !!!
Relax. As Robin Williams said, "Seize the day! Make every day
count!" God, I've got to see that movie again! I can't believe
the feelings it stirred in myself!
Sorry I started rambling,
Dwight
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| 839.7 | If you don't want to, where is the rule that says you have too? | ICESK8::KLEINBERGER | The end of the beginning | Sat Sep 09 1989 13:10 | 21 |
| RE: .0
As others have said, don't push yourself then. Just last night, I told
someone that I don't have the energy to devote to a relationship. So, I
have surrounded myself with friends. Both male and female friends.
When I am ready to enter into another "committed" type relationship, I
guess I will know it, but as far as I'm concerned now, I don't think I
would enter into one, because I don't want to put the energy into one.
I'd say just surround yourself with both male and female friends that
you can do things with. I have several guys that I can call up (or
send MAIL to) and say, hey, lets go do X, Y or Z together... I have a
set of girlfriends that I can do the same thing too.
I expect that someday one of the friendships will probably grow into
something more.... but I figure I'll cross that bridge when I have to
deal with it... until then,
Just enjoy life, enjoy doing things for you, and get to know yourself
better!
|
| 839.9 | | CSC32::GORTMAKER | whatsa Gort? | Mon Sep 11 1989 04:31 | 4 |
| re.0
Did I write that? I know I diden't but I sure could have....
-j
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| 839.10 | | CREDIT::BNELSON | You should try a new hat sometime | Mon Sep 11 1989 15:39 | 20 |
|
Re: .0
I hear ya. Like the others have said, if you don't feel like it
don't *do* it! Don't worry, eventually your enthusiasm will return and
you'll be back in the thick of it. It always seems to, whether I like
it or not (and often against my better judgement). ;-)
As for waiting for someone else to initiate something, I know that
feeling too. It's very draining to always be the one to initiate
things and stuff. However, I've only had a couple times in my entire
life that someone else initiated anything, so I don't believe I'll be
holding my breath. I don't think that's good for anyone -- I believe
that most luck is *made* luck -- you have to work at it.
Brian
|
| 839.11 | Let time do its slow work | WELBY::MURRAY | | Thu Sep 14 1989 13:45 | 17 |
|
Another vote for "don't push it" I've been single for 14 months now and
am still grieving the loss of my most recent relationship (Hell, it WAS
5 years; still can't get my brain around that one!)
Most of the time I just don't know who I am; how could I let anyone
else know? I do get frustrated at my near-total lack of interest in the
opposite sex (When I was coupled, it was all I could think about!)
but I look at it as an opportunity to get to know myself better, and I
am learning how much work I need to do in the direction of health and
wholeness. So I try to accept myself and things around me as being what
they are meant to be and make the most of what I *DO* have.
Scott
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