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Conference quark::human_relations-v1

Title:	What's all this fuss about 'sax and violins'?
Notice:	Archived V1 - Current conference is QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS
Moderator:	ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI

Created:	Fri May 09 1986
Last Modified:	Wed Jun 26 1996
Last Successful Update:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:	1327
Total number of notes:	28298

837.0. "The separation blues" by QUARK::HR_MODERATOR () Thu Sep 07 1989 11:30

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				Steve

				




Has anyone had experience with a marriage where nothing horrible has happened
but the partners lose communication, grow apart, have no common interests, 
loose interest in general? I THINK I know now what I could have done to
prevent this, but it seems too late.

Everything you seem to hear (counselors, etc.) tells you that no one will 
be happy this way, children included.  So we resolved it by separating.  

Now, here's the dilemma.  After two years of living separately it still just 
breaks my heart to have my daughter be hurt by this. two families, 
two Christmas's, two birthday parties, etc.  She is constantly torn between 
going with Dad and staying with Mom.

Now, my husband and I do talk and are on friendly terms.  But is it a
possibility to get the relationship back on track at this point?
In my mind, I think this would be terrific. Yet, when we are together
I feel like distant acquaintances.

I would love to hear from anyone who may have been through this and
how they worked it out.

Thanks very much!

T.R	Title	User	Personal Name	Date	Lines
837.1	why not? It happened once...	YODA::BARANSKI	To Know is to Love	`Thu Sep 07 1989 19:14`	4
	I should think it would be possible. What attracted the two of you together in the first place? Jim.
837.2	Try Dating again!	TRNPRC::SIGEL	Welcome to Your Life	`Fri Sep 08 1989 11:57`	9
	Yes it is very possible. Never let a marriage go "stale" it is the worse thing to do and it will definatley lead to divorce. Try to start "dating" you know do fun stuff, go see a movie, go dancing, go shopping, or to an amusement park!! Get interests, take a class together!!! Try it, I bet you it will work!!!!!!!!!! good luck!!! Lynne
837.3	what was it that would have kept you together?	HANNAH::OSMAN	see HANNAH::IGLOO$:[OSMAN]ERIC.VT240	`Fri Sep 08 1989 12:25`	6
	You mentioned you know what you could have done to prevent the problem. What is that ? And can you start doing that now ? /Eric
837.4	you may already be on track, for yourself	DEC25::BERRY	OU EST LE SOLEIL	`Sat Sep 09 1989 06:54`	28
	re: 0 >>>> Has anyone had experience with a marriage where nothing horrible has happened but the partners lose communication, grow apart, have no common interests, loose interest in general? I have. I got divorced. Often when people "grow apart," (and I hate that term), the best solution is to say good-bye and try to remain "civil," (whatever that means). >>>> Everything you seem to hear (counselors, etc.) tells you that no one will be happy this way, children included. So we resolved it by separating. So are you happier this way?? >>>> Now, my husband and I do talk and are on friendly terms. But is it a possibility to get the relationship back on track at this point? In my mind, I think this would be terrific. Yet, when we are together I feel like distant acquaintances. You may have reached the solution already based on your last paragraph. Anything is possible, but this may not be "probable." As for your daughters, I know it hurts. I have a son. That was the biggest thing that got me too. I'm sorry you're facing this. I won't pretend to be able to tell you what to do. I think you probably know what is best. Dwight
837.5		RUBY::BOYAJIAN	When in Punt, doubt	`Sat Sep 09 1989 12:49`	5
	Question: Have you actually talked to your daughter about how she feels about it? In other words, is she really torn apart by the situation, or do you just think she is? --- jerry
837.6	no separation	MEMIT::MAHONEY	ANA MAHONEY DTN 223-4189	`Thu Sep 14 1989 17:42`	16
	Did you REALLY have a reason, strong enough to separate? Marriage is not always a state of bliss, it involves many sacrifices, lots of flexibility to adjust to the other, lots of love (people seem to forget that...), understanding, etc, etc. Children should never be the victims of our actions...they are too young to understand the reasons/actions of adults...they only know that they have a daddy and a mommy that they love and suddenly, out of the blue, there is no Mommy or no Daddy when they need him/her, but only on week-ends or even less... depends on the arrangement done by the judge or lawyer etc. That can be very traumatic for a little kid...I would put up with a lot of crap before I put one of my children through that. A am married, have three children, the oldest, 23... so I know what is a long marriage and I know what is good times and bad times...by far, the good times and the joy of having a great family outweight any BAD time I might have had in the past...