Conference quark::human_relations-v1

795.0. "Riding a rollercoaster" by QUARK::HR_MODERATOR () Thu Jul 06 1989 19:02

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				Steve

				




	Positive Advice and/or Words of Wisdom Sought.

	Situation: About a month a go I asked a very wonderful lady to
	be my wife. It is true that I had not known the lady for a
	very long time, but my feelings for her were very strong and
	very good, and to this date I have not doubted my desicion or 
	desire to spend my life with her. 

	( Historical fact, I am divorced and have had a real problem	) 
 	( investing myself and trusting in others, until her.		)

	After a brief hesitation of a day, she agreed to marry me, all
	was wonderful, except it wasn't, something felt very wrong, she
	did not seem to have the happiness I would have expected or atleast
	hoped she would have had. Different issues and concerns were brought
	up and discussed ranging from children (all toll there are 5) to
	the roles each would have in a marraige. I thought maybe she was
	just scared, and she was, however this was not appearently the 
	problem. She eventualy told me about a past boyfriend that she
	still had very strong feeling for. I was lead to believe that this
	was something in the recent past but past, so I dealt with it as
	such, believeing what ever had happened before we got together 
	did not matter. I have since come to realize that this relationship 
	was a very current relationship, having exstended atleast to the
	time I asked her to marry me, after that I'm not sure. When I
	learned of the details to the relationship I was very hurt, and
	could not understand why she had agreed to marry me. I basicaly
	offered to part company as friends (something I really did not
	want to do) but she indicated that she did not want me to leave.
	She indicated that she had since broken off the contact with him
	but ofcourse this did not make the feelings go away. She also 
	said that she believed that someday we would be married and would
	be very happy together, if only I could give her time to get over
	him. This left me with feeling of being a SECOND CHOICE, or an
	ACCEPTABLE ALTERNATIVE, but never-the-less I have stuck it out
	as best I can. Now for the real problem. The gentleman involved
	was on occasion continued contact with her, which has made it 
	very hard for her to put the past behind her. She will occasionaly
	(I think without realizing) share with me her hurt and disappointment
	about the failing of this relationship. I quitely listen and try
	to just lend a shoulder, but inside it hurts very much, making me
	wonder if she would ever truely be happy with me. Sometimes she
	realizes the position I am in and she will tell me she would not
	blame me if I hated her and walked away. I have taken the position
	of pulling back a little, and told her she must make up her mind 
	and then if her decision is such, she must convince me. Now I am
	the one that is stuck, I love her very much and honestly want to
	spend my life with her, but one the other hand the situation 
	reminds me terribly of my first wifes unfaithfulness. I have tried
	a couple of times to walk away, but each time either my heart would
	not let me, or she walk ask me not to leave. I should add that 
	there are times we are together that are the best I have ever known,
	and other times, I think I just can not take anymore. I fell like
	I'm a yoyo or on a rollercoaster ride, what do I do ?

	I would like to think that if she would ever remove her head from
	her posterior location, thinks would work out, but maybe this is
	just a dream.
  

Darn, I was hoping we were starting a topic on roller coasters :-}

"This left me with feeling of being a SECOND CHOICE, or an ACCEPTABLE
ALTERNATIVE, but never-the-less I have stuck it out as best I can."

Is it her choice or his choice that they are not together?  It sounds like her
choice, that she *is* choosing *you*.  How are you second choice then?

Jim.

    
    
    
    I give you credit for sticking by her....it obviously shows how
    much you love her.
    
    Me, on the other hand, would be giving alternatives.
    
    I don't think she's being fair to you.  She needs to decide what
    she's going to do and stick by that.  If it's over between her and
    this other guy, why does she continue to keep in contact with him?
     Sounds like she's getting the best of both worlds right now.
    
    Have you told her how you feel?  Everything that you feel?  If not,
    I think you should.  And then I think YOU should decide if you're
    going to keep up with this or not.  The decision of your relationship
    isn't entirely hers.
    
    Denise
    

    NEVER use alternatives when dealing w/emotions or feelings!  The
    IF-THEN-ELSE belongs in programming and other aspects of life, not
    relationships.  There's only one direction to follow, she needs
    to make a decision and you stick by it either way.  
    
    Relationships are not based on the barter system.
    
    
    -jeff-

    "relationships are not based on the barter system"
    
    The best advice I have heard in a long time...
    
    

    You're right; the ball is in her court now.  Not a happy position for
    you.  You might consider how long you can tolerate being in that
    position.  This doesn't necessarily mean giving her a deadline, but you
    might give yourself a deadline.
    
    There are two approaches that come to mind here.  One is to keep close
    and put a lot of effort into the relationship.  The idea is to help her
    forget him; you reduce his presence in her memory by making your own
    presence stronger.  Easier on her, harder on you.
    
    The other approach is to step away.  The idea here is that she comes to
    realize how important you are to her; absence makes the heart grow
    fonder and all that.  It's important for her to feel that it's not
    over, so she can come to you when she makes up her mind.  Riskier and
    hard on both of you, though in a different way than approach #1.
    
    I really don't know how you recognize that it's time to give up hope. 
    It all depends on how long you can wait.  It might be that she's having
    trouble collecting her thoughts and sorting things out.  Perhaps you
    can sound her out about what she needs (besides time) to make her
    decision, help her determine a method for doing it.