Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Since I'm experiencing similar things right now at 42, I can say
    that it's really important for me to have someone to simply LISTEN
    to my thoughts--a sounding board, if you will.  It makes me feel
    like someone cares, and that is definitely very important at this
    juncture of my life.
    
    Good Luck!
    Barb

    Just love him and keep showing him how important you really believe he
    is. 
    
    I'm 51 and have been going through a mid-life crisis since I was 13.
    

    shoot...if lack of direction, feeling of lack of achievement, and
    feeling in general like a "beetle in a box" (with nowhere to go)
    is midlife crisis....I got it!
    
    My father bought some books on mid-life crisis (they probably reside
    on the self-help, sociology, or psychology section of the bookstore).
    I'd guess the crisis stems from feeling like n% of your life is
    over and what have you done that's so great.....and also when people
    get a hint of mortality (i.e. life is n% "over") - some feel "is
    that all there is?"....
    
    Optimism, a soft heart, a good listening ear, and maybe suggesting
    he set some goals, and then some sub-goals so he can see he can
    attain things, step-by-step, and make progress.
    
    -Jody
    

    Like someone said... listen.
    
    Also, you might try to learn something about it... not to "manage"
    him or "teach" him -- stay away from that kind of thing -- but just
    so that you know more.
    
    There's a book called "The Stages of a Man's Life" (I think) that's
    pretty good.  If it isn't in your local bookstore, try the library.
    
    R.
    

    I think the note of caution deserves reinforcement.  Offer support,
    certainly, but I would be wary of supplying help without clearance. 
    Perhaps he doesn't want help with the process of getting out of the
    mid-life slump; then again, maybe he does.  Of course, if he doesn't
    want anything from anyone whatsoever and seems determined to sulk, an 
    unauthorized swift kick to the rump might be called for.

    
    	re .0, .6-
    
    	Perhaps the same thing in a different context; instead of a literal
    kick in the rear end, make a figurative one. I mean, is this something
    you find him whining about constantly? Simply tell him to stop whining
    and *do* something about it - a motivational "jump start"! Yeah_yeah_yeah
    - he "doesnt know" what he wants to do...
    
    	Or, maybe a little more tactfully, remark to him that if this is 
    really how he feel's about himself and his life so far, again, what's
    he going to *do* about it? It sounds like he'll fail to give a "good
    answer" right then and there, but your saying that will start the gears 
    turning, IMHO. Especially if he respects your words and opinions.

	And that's the crux - getting the conceptual "gears turning" so he 
    can, let say, "fill in the blank" that comes up when he addresses "what
    do I want?" At this point, I wonder if he even realizes that he has a 
    *choice* in the matter of_what_he_wants. Once you realize that you have a 
    choice, the possibilities become clear and you *can* decide for yourself
    what you want.
                
    	If not, and you can see that he clearly prefers to _wallow_ over
    taking any action whatsoever for himself, then he might need some
    kind of professional counseling. That would be indicative of deeper 
    problems than "just not knowing what to do with himself" or whatever. 
    In other words, the lack of motivation is - possibly - a manefestation 
    of something else, long unresolved, and also "why" he's ended up in this 
    state/space right now.
                                                 
    	Joe Jas

    FWIW...
    
    I doubt that this is unusual.  I feel trapped by circumstances of
    job, marriage, parenthood, finances..., all of my own making or
    active participation.  I feel that I will not accomplish the things
    I want to do (these are really outside-work goals).  I'm losing
    hold of a number of "dreams," and I haven't found a way to do the
    things I want to do at work.
    Well, I find my wife is in the same boat with different dreams
    and goals and specifics.
    We talk.  We try to make room for each other to accomplish little
    pieces of those dreams/goals.  There's some compromise.
    AND we both realize that we've been working for twenty five years,
    we're tired and have lost a lot of enthusiasm for our work lives
    (we started in radically different, and much lower paying fields,
    and stayed in them for 15 years until we went broke).  We've
    temporarily lost the ability to concentrate (intellectually). 
    BUT there are twenty five or more years ahead.  The kids are about to
    be on their own quite a bit more.  We can think of the years ahead
    set some goals, plan to achieve them, and take control of our lives
    in a more positive way than we have.
    OK, so I will never conduct the Boston Symphony or sing a solo recital
    in Lincoln Center.  I am just coming to grips with the fact that
    those goals are beyond me now --- and, moreover, require a commitment
    which I am not prepared to give. But there are things I can do in
    those areas which are good for me and pleasurable to others, at
    not such an exalted level.  I am not therefore a failure!  AHA,
    it helped to have someone else remind me of that, because there
    are a lot of times when I've felt that I was.
    Now is the opportunity to make a new life, to explore your
    possibilities.  What I hadn't imagined was that so many others
    had the same feelings (even with all the books out, I thought it
    was just me and nobody else could possibly know the troubles I saw).
    I think it took some time for me to get out of the "only me" stage
    --and some patience on the part of my wife.  But then I could recognize
    her desires and dreams differently, too, and we could talk about
    mutually satisfying and complementary dreams to inform the next
    twenty five years.  Doesn't always work out that way for folks,
    and there are still plenty of days when I'm bummed out by any number
    of things, but I think I'm better about not needing to do EVERYTHING
    I ever wanted to do or doing those things only at the highest level
    (e.g., conducting the BSO as opposed to conducting a local, amateur
    choral group).  "Highest" is a real strange term here, and I have
    needed to rethink it a lot.  That was always a problem, which
    middle-age forced into the open.
    Rambling on, he suddenly stops for breath, giving the ever-vigilant
    CTRL/Z a chance to interrupt this stream of consciousness...
    

    
    	I read with note with interest because I am only 1 year away
    from the big 40!  I have seen males and females in this "turn 40
    route" and in one case the male Continued on living and has continually
    added to what he does for work and play.  The female "just went
    out to lunch".  She left her husband, 2 boys, 1 very good going
    business and went to live with her new boyfriend.  Two different
    people with two differnet ways of handling it.  I hope that when
    I turn that corner I will be able to feel good about what I've done
    with my life and how I can make it better for all concerned.  my
    feeling is if I feel trapped I know I have my wife and children
    that I can talk to.  I really think that if you can get him to talk
    about what he feels then you can help make a change for the better
    to get him out of this.  If he can't find a way to express it then
    ask him what he feels this instant and go from there.  Talking about
    something doesn't really change it but is a real good start.  My
    wife and I use that soundiong board technique all the time and is
    a real good way to understand if your "going off your rocker" and
    if you are you can at least see where it taking you.
    
    			thom
    

    My two cents may be worth just that -- BUT, seems to me just lots and
    lots of tender, loving' care AND time takes care of it, most times. 
    Women DO have as much trouble with it as men -- the "empty nest syndrome" is
    a real test.  Notwithstanding .9, I think women generally handle that
    time period in their lives a little more maturely -- (no offense) --
    at least they did when I was going thru it back in 06.
    
    R