Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Hi Kat,
    
    	It sounds like you and your brother still act like kids when
    you're together because when you were kids, you did the most growing
    and changing together. There are lots of memories to share.
    Competitiveness comes from closeness.
    
    	You state positive qualities about your brother but none about
    yourself. As a matter of fact, what isn't stated feels negative
    when after bragging about him you state "He is a much different kid
    than I was." It's good that you're pround of him, but I bet he's
    proud of you, too.
    
    	You mention relying on each other when you were younger. That
    also builds the closeness, trust, sensitivity and caring you discussed.
    You do mention you're not jealous of him, but is sounds like he's
    jealous of you.
    
    	When he tells your dates about embarrassing moments, you claim,
    "...there is no way to get mad because I'm too busy laughing." Is
    this nervous laughter? It sounds like your brother may be trying
    to manipulate you into not getting serious about anybody for fear
    the closeness you and he share may be broken. Your brother may not
    even be aware of why he does this, but it may be something for you
    and him to discuss. After all, it was you who used the word
    "embarrassed". Does your brother use this word or does he use "funny"?
    
    	For me, I have an older brother who has a wife and three daughters.
    Whenever I see him, he wants to talk about when we were kids. It's
    always a rehash of the same old family stories, and YEARS ago, they
    ceased to be humorous. When I bring the conversation around to more
    recent times, he injects how it reminds him of something that happened
    when we were kids, and he'll just get hysterical with his
    recollections. I love him, but I find this quality distracting.
    
    	I'm the second child. I'm a divorced mother of a 22-year-old
    son who works at Digital in the same building where I work. It's
    been 19 years since I've lived with my husband.
    
    	Next is a sister who is married with two sons. These boys, aged
    10 and 5 rule her with an iron fist! I feel these are the two worst
    spoiled brats I've ever had they experience to meet. My sister is
    totally subservient to her husband and any and every male. To give
    you an example, when she was 34 (she's now 39), a barbecue was planned
    at her home. She called the morning of the barbecue to say she had
    to cancel. When I asked why, she said her husband had to work. I
    responded with "So? We can cook and save some food for him." "You
    don't understand," she continued, "Joel doesn't let me use the gas
    grill if he's not here." You could have knocked me over with a feather!
    
    	The next sister is, in my opinion, the perfect person. She is
    a helpmate to her husband, but not a doormat. She is giving and
    loving to her children, and clearly states house rules ahead of
    time. She has a son and a daughter who are 15 and 13, respectively.
    She has self respect and quietly commands respect through her actions.
    
    	Kat, I could go on about my family, but I'm thinking about you
    right now. If you do decide to talk with your brother about why
    he tells embarrassing moments to your dates, it may be revealing
    to both of you. I didn't mean for this note to be this long, but
    I'm that way; I have a LOT to say. I'm SURE it bugs my siblings!
    
    				Take care,
    
    				Susan
    

	Hi kat! ;-)

	There are nine 1/2 years between my brother and I...(he's 14 1/2).
	Up until last year, him and I didn't get along so well.  I am
	very impatient with kids, and that really showed with him.  I spent
	most of my college away from him, so were really never got to know
	each other during that time.

	Lately, though we seem to be getting along great....one reason may be
	that he no longer considers me a threat (I was an honor student in
	college, and mom would hammer that into him that he could be like
	me if he just tried)...He resented me a lot, I could tell.  But
	since I've graduated and have gotten to know him much better, I
	think he realizes that his big sister is pretty cool (if I do
	say so myself).  ;-)  Just today I borrowed a thrash metal album
	from him...his eyes really lit up and he gladly let me
	borrow it.  It seems we're finding out we're a lot alike.

	I don't like the pressure my mom gives him (comparing him to me to
	push him to do better).  Ken is VERY rebellious, but I think since
	he realizes now that *I'm* not applying the pressure to him, we
	seem to get along much better.

	He's so cute too, for a 14 yr old (looks a lot like Billy Idol!  yikes!)
	I can't wait til he starts giving up his skateboard for a cute little
	girl!  ;-)


	Yea, my bro loves to embarrass me too....just WAIT til I get the chance
	to do it back to him.....teasing each other is just another way
	of expressing your love...


	kat (oh no, not this again)

    Kat teasing your little brother NOW!!!! I though you said teasing was
    fun, not expressing your love. Boy wait til I pass this along in the
    other file. Man the guys are going to hang you at noon. I can be bought
    out easily.
    
    
    Bill 8-)
    

    My sister, Catherine, is one year, one month and fifteen days younger
    than I am.  We grew up with my mother working to support us, and
    my grandmother at home taking care of us.  I always felt that it
    was my job to "raise" my sister, since Mother was gone and Grandma
    was too aged and infirm to do much outside the house.  Therefore,
    we grew up to be very close in many ways.  We were each other's
    best friends for many years.  After I grew up and got married,
    Catherine and I drifted apart for many years, but recently, within
    the last few years or so, we've kept in closer touch than ever.
    It feels very good to know that I have a sister who is special to
    me in many ways, and she seems to feel the same way.  Although she
    lives in Houston, where she has an art sudio, and I'm in Salt Lake
    City, we're as close as we were as children, perhaps even closer.
    It just goes to show that where love abounds, distance means little.
    
    Barb

    	My brother (just turned 21) and I are very close.  But it
    certainly wasn't always that way.  We didn't get along at all when
    we were growing up.  I had a fair amount of responsibility after
    my parents split (when I was 9), and I did well in school.  I
    think he felt pressured and threatened by this, because he just
    wasn't really a student, and wasn't given the same responsibility.  
    When my mom got remarried, suddenly we got two step-sisters.  Poor 
    kid - more females than he had bargained for! :^)

    	Once we were settled in with our 'new family', things actually
    got worse.  My step-father had quite a temper, and my brother
    often took the brunt of it.  I kept to myself, and tried to avoid
    confrontations, so I managed to stay out of his way.  I think my
    brother really resented this.  There were a lot of problems and 
    things to deal with, and we handled them very differently.  He had 
    a pretty tough time growing up...took a lot of emotional abuse.  He
    wasn't a popular kid...actually kind of wimpy (and he'll admit
    this himself now).  Both of us had self-confidence problems, but 
    my step-father certainly didn't help him out any!

    	Once I moved out to go to college, things started to change.
    We started to really talk...he'd bring me up to date on how things
    were at the house, and we started discussing it.  Soon we were
    getting into our own feelings and how we had felt as kids, and
    talking about what we had gone through.  It really brought us
    together, because no one else could know our situation.  And it
    helped to know that we felt a lot of the same feelings/
    frustrations/etc.  We're a lot alike, even though the way we
    handle things is often different.  We started to understand where 
    the other was coming from.

    	When he went off to college, it did wonders for him.  He could
    "start fresh" and he really started feeling better about himself.
    He grew out of the "wimpy kid", and started to excel at some
    of his hobbies (photography, technical lighting design for shows).

    	Today, he's not just my brother, but one of my closest friends
    as well.  We talk about anything and everything...help each other
    when we need it...laugh together, cry together, we tease each
    other and support each other...  We've both done a lot of growing 
    and changing.  He knows me better than most people...and understands
    me.  He's gone through a lot, and managed to turn out really well.
    Sure, he has his problems now (as do we all), but when I think of
    how some kids turn out, I'm very thankful.

    	Amy

    re:  Susan
    
    You got me all wrong.  I love the attention I get from my younger
    bro when he says embarrassing.  Although things make me blush, its
    never anything to be ashamed of.  Makes my dates feel at ease too.
    I don't think he is really jealous of me.  When he is he says so.
    When I say we were totally different kids, I'm saying after watching
    me grow up Attila the Hun would have been a fun child to raise.
    He really is together.  I wish I had been that way at his age. 
    I wish I was that way now.  But I am who I am and more than anything
    else in the world, I am strong and adaptable and learning how to
    be happy despite life.  He is just one of the junior beautiful people,
    very materialistic, very "in".  I am the rebel.  We share our stories
    and maybe he does wish he could be more like me (more free) but
    I also wish I could be more like him (more guided).  I think our
    relationship is as close to ideal as siblings can get.  For me at
    least.  He might think otherwise.
    
    Freena  (Kathy, I'm changing my name for good!)

    I don't like my sisters very much at all. I'm not sure if I love them,
    but I know I don't like them.

    I'm the oldest (33, 31, and 26-1/2). Both my sisters are far more
    conformist than I am. They both live close to home and disapprove, with
    varying degree, of: 

    my not living near the rest of my family, my life style, my husband, my
    interests, my tastes, my freedom, my cooking, my childlessness, my
    house, my abilities, my weight, my wedding, my name, ...

    We share almost nothing except parentage. I find them boring and banal.
    Both are bright, but have done relatively little with that
    intelligence. Both are content to center their lives around their
    children, family, church, home. I doubt if either reads a newspaper on
    a regular basis. One works outside the home, one works inside. There's
    nothing to talk about with them. They have swallowed all the worst of
    America's mass media culture, hook, line and sinker.

    Now that's all fine with me (well, I don't like it that they're so
    content to be uninformed, (in fact I think it's wrong) but that's the
    worst). What I really don't like about either of them is their
    unwillingness/inability to accept anyone different from themselves
    (which, of course, includes me and Jon). 

    The oppressiveness with which they seek to impress a standard of
    mediocrity and then mandate conformity to that standard, drives me
    away. I'm willing to meet halfway and have been trying that for about
    12 years now, but I'm tired and it's not worth the bother anymore. The
    constant abrasion (even though I only see them once or twice a year)
    has worn away at me until I don't care to have anything to do with
    them.

    Except for my niece and nephew (and one to be) I really don't care if I
    see them again for years and years.

    Tamzen