Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Show your parents this note

    It sounds like your parents are trying to manipulate you by making you
    feel guilty. My wife's parents treat her the same way and it was
    getting everyone in the house sick until we drew the line. They would
    respect our home and our way of doing things (religion was the issue
    here) or they weren't welcome there. So far they still try to force
    their way, so they are pretty well out of our lives for now (I wouldn't
    mind making that permanent!).
    
    You have to do what is best for you, your children, and your SO. **DO
    NOT** let your parents screw up your life!!! You are an adult and have
    to right to choose what direction your life will take. If they can't
    accept that, its THEIR problem, not yours.
    
    My own feeling is that I'd bring my SO to the graduation, if the
    parents don't like it, then TOUGH!!! I may sound harsh, but its often
    the only way to deal with people like that. 
    
    Since we've been hardline, my wife is feeling much better about herself
    and realizes that she doesn't need her parents approval to consider
    herself successful. If they don't like it (and I know they don't), I
    don't really give a damn!!!!! We have our own life to live. Perhaps,
    you should view it that way too.
    
    Eric
    

    	Time to cut the apron strings.......Tell mom and dad that you're
    an adult and you're living your life the way you see fit. If they
    can't deal with that.....tough. It's hard to tell parents to grow
    up, but you have to do it or they'll destroy your life. 
    
    	In their minds they think that you were wrong in divorcing your
    ex. But it's not up to you to convince them that you were right
    and that you made an adult evaluation and decision. You can't parade
    new man after new man before them waiting for one to accepted. Maybe
    you should ignore them for awhile. if circumstances dictate that
    you have to be at the same event, avoid them without being rude
    and enjoy yourself. Don't make an issue of it with anyone in your
    family either. Be curteous but don't be roped into detailed excuses
    or forced into compromising your happiness.
    
    	If you're happy with your new SO then that's all that matters.
    You have the rest of your life with him and that's more important
    than anything for you. If your kids enjoy him, all the better.
    
    Good Luck...
    
    Ken

I ignored my parents for most of the first year...while they cried.  
Then I rallied all my resources to go and try talking some sense into
them. My ex, my daughter (then 19) and I showed up on their doorstep one
day and insisted on discussing the problem. My father left the room and
my mother just listened and cried. I started out as spokesperson and
explained that we were still good friends but just not cut out to be 
husband and wife. My mother kept crying that he was such a good man. I
kept agreeing and saying "He'll make someone a wonderful husband...just
not me." I explained that it was just a personality difference and I was
tired of silently thumbing thru Spiegel catalog night after night and he
was tired of having his TV and/or evening nap time interrupted by a
motor mouth wife. I explained that it was an amicable split...no one was 
getting racked over the goals as often happens, usually to the man, in a
split. Although the kids were 16 and 18 at the time we split, I asked for 
no child support of any kind and we agreed to later split everthing 50/50. 
In the meantime, we got an apartment and alternated taking turns for 6
months at a time between the house (with the kids) and the apartment (alone)
so we could both share the enjoyment and responsiblity of the house and kids
until the youngest graduated from high school.

My ex took over trying to persuade my mother and I stood back;
he was very supportive and convincing that he was fine...we
were good friends...we were all doing well. My mother continued to cry saying
"We're (she and Dad) just too old for this." 

My parents had claimed that they're suffering was tied to "what this was 
doing to the poor kids." So my daughter took over and said "Memere, you 
can't use age as an excuse...and you can't blame it on what it's doing to us
kids because we're fine. Most of our friends parents are split but at least
ours are real friendly and not fighting and they both care for us...we are
REALLY ok!" More crying...

When we left, they agreed to try harder to accept things. At last, they 
stopped crying but then they returned to business as usual, sort of denying
that it was still happening. They send us all birthday cards etc. to our home
address even though they know one of us is in the apartment. They invite the
ex and I and both kids to their house for all occasions...woooonderful!

So I ignored them and their crying, we all sat down in a heart to heart
and tried to resolve the problem so now what?? I understand that I can just
continue on without them, and I'm willing, but how??? I could have taken my
SO to graduation, to heck with them if they decide to miss it, but that
deprives my son of having his grandparents at his graduation. He wanted my
SO there too, but if I asked him to choose, which I wouldn't do, my guess is
that he'd be loyal to his grandparents of 18 years...as he should be.

Xmas and other holidays are worse. We use to get together at my parents with
my 3 sisters and 1 brother and their families. Now, someone has to opt to
stay away and be with me and my SO so we won't have to be alone. Last Xmas,
we went to my sister's house in Vermont and everyone else went to my parents.
We had a great time anyway but I felt so bad for depriving my sister of the
holiday with the rest of the family. And my parents were crushed (and 
resentful) that they were deprived of their 3 under age 5 Vermont grand-
children. I, secretly, was glad about that since they had caused the hurt to 
themselves with their stubbornness. My sister confided to me that she felt
the same way and hoped it conveyed the message. My other sister took New Year's
and Easter at her house and I did Mother's Day at mine with neither my SO
NOR my ex invited...and so it goes. 

I can ignore them; I have come to grips with that and "cut the apron strings"
but what do I do about how my choice affects everybody else?????? Should they
all have to suffer for this to support me? It doesn't seem fair.

    The title of this not really caught my attention. My parents haven't
    met my SO (of 14+ months) because that have yet to accept the fact
    that I am divorced!
    Well, my dad has but my mother walks out of the room when it's
    mentioned. My SO thinks the whole sceen stinks (it does). There's
    much more to it but the bottom line is that they have successfuly
    alienated me by ignoring what is going on in my life. 
    
    I have no words of wisdom for the base noter except to adress the
    issue head on. Try to get to the root issue.
    
    Gail

    My question is, how do your parents feel about your ex's new SO?  If
    they feel that he is like a son to them, are they treating/alienating
    them also?
    
    P.
    

    My parents have NOT met EITHER new SO. I take that back...they met
    mine briefly at our home about 5 or 6 years ago. He and his family
    were having a barbecue with my husband and I and our family when
    my parents dropped by. They stayed for about a half hour and my
    mother said afterward "what a nice guy" our friend was. But they
    haven't seen him since. 
    
    My ex doesn't have to expose his new SO to them for any reason so
    he just doesn't mention her. When I mention mine, they turn stone
    faced and change the subject. 
    
    I did hear thru one of my sisters though that my Mom heard that
    my ex had a new love and she was thrilled. Since she knows he would
    not have initiated the breakup (you have to talk to do that), she
    finds me responsible and thinks of me as independent which therefore
    makes him the underdog/victim. So she's happy if he finds happiness.
    Because I broke up a woooooonderful marriage, I don't deserve to
    be happy. (My guess is that she sends St. Jude big money in
    hopes that my new SO will dump me and I'll have to go crawling back
    to my ex.) I think that's her never ending dream.

If I were you, I wouldn't tell your parents anything about arrangements with
your SO and your ex and his SO.

On any given occasion arrive with whoever you feel like.  If your parents make a
fuss and decide to leave, it will be obvious that they are the ones who are
causing the problem.  If the occasion is at their home, it's a bit tricky, but
if you show up with whomever, what will they do? If they decide to be nasty, you
can both leave and go some place more enjoyable.

If they insist on creating problems at Christmas or weddings, have the family
plan to hold the occasion someplace other then your parents house for
*everybody; if your parents show up and make a fuss, then they can leave and
suffer the consequences.  Be flat out, have you and your siblings (if they
support you) tell your parents that since they insist on being a pain, you and
your siblings will plan to spend holiday's elsewhere.

Jim. 

    Once I started accepting it myself I had no problems defending my
    self from my parents.  They looked at me as if I had two heads...a
    total failure.  Now, since my brother is also divorced, they have
    gotten off my case.  Telling them to get off my case from time to
    time makes things easier.

   My parents NEVER get "on my case" because my split is a non-issue...NOT
    to be discussed in any way, shape or form. They just ignore that
    the circumstances exist and proceed with life as per my 20 years
    of marriage. So it's hard to say "Get off my case". If I do the
    name dropping and mention my SO's name in any normal conversation,
    (like telling them who bought the luggage for my son), they hear
    it, don't comment one way or the other and then just slip very
    naturally into another subject without missing a beat. I think they
    tune out on anything related to him. Because I was more perturbed
    than usual on my son's graduation day, I did a lot of name dropping
    on purpose to drive the point home that he DOES exist and I WILL
    talk about him... but they never acknowledged the reality and moved
    along to topic after topic without a hitch. UGH!!!! It was frustrating!
    
    As for making them suffer the consequences of their own choices,
    I do believe that is the answer. Problem so far is that they plan
    a lot of the activities/holidays at their home, as per the old days,
    and usually (always?) invite my ex so for both reasons, it would
    be impossible for us to just show up there knowing he was unwelcome.
    I'm looking forward to my sister's wedding (which unfortunately
    is about 6 months away...no date yet). I know for a fact that my
    sister will invite my SO and I and my parents. We WILL attend that
    with bells on... so my parents will finally be forced to decide
    to be there with us or to miss their other daughter's wedding. And
    I don't care which they choose. If they don't go, it's their loss.
    I won't feel too bad about my sister not having them there either
    because she'll know when she invites us that she runs that risk.
    
    I don't see any quicker solution before that though...unless we
    throw a bash and invite everyone. But then, they aren't party people
    in the first place, so they would probably just offer some lame
    excuse not to show and wouldn't care a bit that they were missing
    it. I think the wedding will be the showdown.

    If your parents are being wilfully blind and deaf when your SO crops
    up in conversation, you are -- in your own words -- 'talking to
    a brick wall' indeed.  From experience I can say that it's a foolish
    pastime at best.
    
    No divorce here, but for the 18 months Rick & I were together before
    we married my parents [who incidentally adored him upon first sight]
    would acknowledge absolutely no connection between the two of us.
    As an example, my parents dropped by 'my' apartment one day whilst
    Rick & I were papering the breakfast and warmly thanked him for
    being such a saint to help me with such a messy job...
    
    If the wall is well-built there's nothing you can do until the folks
    decide its time to take it down.
    
    As a word of advice on choosing and family and such:  You surely know
    that you are not responsible for the happiness of your siblings and
    your children are of an age that they are making their own choices.
    While I do not advocate a wholesale, hard-core 'me first' attitude; I
    believe that you are setting yourself up for a lot of needless guilt by
    worrying about how you are destroying their happiness. From what you
    have written, I don't think you are.  You and your ex and you SO and
    your children are happy and comfortable. Your siblings are supportive.
    If any of the above choose to spend time with or include you, they are
    neither taking sides nor being deprived.  I think you should let all
    these grown-ups make the choices that suit them and that you should
    choose what suits you. 
    
    Also, if your parents invite you to a 'family' function, taking your SO
    isn't gate-crashing.  If they specifically ask you not to bring him
    that opens the door to discussion. [I doubt that they will because 1.
    that acknowledges him and 2. this a discussion that they have been
    expending energy to avoid] 
    
    Just as your parents aren't living up to your expectations, you aren't
    living their dream.  You're not just the abstract 'parents' or 'a
    daughter', you are people. 

    If the wall doesn't come down, sooner or later you may have to give
    up on having it all and take stock in what you do have.
    
    
        Ann   

    		<for what it's worth>
    
    	I sat here at my break and read through the base note and all
    the replies.  My sister has the same problem and me.  Mine is basically
    a religion thing with my parents.  My Mom just refuses to accept
    the fact that I'm married, quite happily to a good Catholic girl
    and have been fortunate to be in the process of raising 3 children
    and keeping my maiirage of 18 years alive.   My wife and I readily
    agree that we will NEVER be able to make or keep my mom happy..
    so that's the way it goes!  My 3 children have grown up with this;
    can see it and it doesn't bother them yet.  when it does my Wife
    and I will face it together.  My sister allowed my mother a free
    run with her kids and now my mom thionks that they are hers and
    she can't understand why my sister divorced "Mr. Right" and started
    living with another SO.  She hasn't really accepted the "new guy"
    so my sister is very careful about what she says and what she does.
    This problem is the mom's acceptance of the situation, not yours
    to placate them.  You are as much of an adult as they are now, just
    like me, and your decisions have to be respected by your parents
    as well.  If not you will always be "their little girl" with no
    voice in who you really are.  I would follow .1's advice and show
    them the note.  Sometimes more truth comes out if you say what you
    really feel!  If they cannot accept it then you have the knowledge
    that you tried and that's about all all of us can really do.
    

    I have an aunt who has the same sort of blindness. On of her sons
    had been living with a woman for quite a while, and she just never
    acknowledged that this was the case. When they finally had a child,
    she would speak of my cousin's SO as "his wife", and just work up
    this convenient fiction that the two were married, because it was
    the only way she could reconcile her love for her son with her
    sense of morality.
    
    Personally, I think Ann is correct that if your parents invite you
    to an affair at their house, that a "guest" is not inappropriate.
    It might be interesting to force the issue, though. The next time
    they invite you, ask, "Is the invitation for me alone, or may I
    bring a guest?" and see what their response is. If they say, "Yes,"
    then they will be forced to acknowledge your SO's existence, even
    if they don't acknowledge his relationship to you. If they say,
    "No," then you'll know exactly where they stand. If I were you,
    I would then tell them that my SO is a special person in my life,
    that we do everything together, and that it was either both of
    us or neither.
    
    --- jerry

    They made it perfectly clear after a year of crying and almost no
    communication with me at all, that they couldn't accept even the
    thought of us split...nevermind accepting a replacement. When my
    ex and daughter and I met with them to see if we could make them
    come to grips with reality, my mother told me between sobs and tears
    that they were "too old" to accept a new relationship. 
    
    After that discussion, they at least started including ME in the
    family functions which I thought might be the first step toward
    breaking down that brick wall one brick at a time. I figured the
    more they heard my SO's name mentioned, the less painful each
    subsequent mention would become. 
    
    Bringing a "guest" to their house would be out of the question.
    I could never pretend that I didn't realize he was unwelcome...they've
    made that clear enough for a moron to understand. But I CAN have
    family functions at my house and invite the whole family (plus my
    SO) and let them come or miss it as they please (I'm sure they'll
    find some lame excuse...sickness, other plans etc. but that's life).
    
    My sisters know the situation so they plan functions accordingly...if
    they invite us they just don't tell or invite them. My sister's
    wedding at the end of the year or thereabouts will be the first
    necessary exception. I'm sure my sister won't feel right leaving
    anybody out...and we ARE going so my parents will have to face the
    dilemma once and for all...miss their daughter's wedding OR face
    us. I haven't a clue what they'll do (except maybe show up and sit
    with the groom's folks instead of their own kids!)
    
    I'm hoping to come up with a similar event that would force that
    choice sooner but I can't think of anything they'd seriously mind
    missing!

    Sorry, but any parents who basically says me or your SO isn't worth
    worrying about!. As I mentioned in .2, my inlaws are the most royal pan
    in the a** on this side of the universe, but I've just written them
    off. I really couldn't care less if we ever say them again, and my wife
    is finally realizing how rotten they really are, but every time they
    call to talk to our son, when my wife gets off the phone, she's upset,
    and none of us need that kind of bull!
    
    You may have to accept that no matter what you do or how nice you are
    to them, your parents will ALWAYS treat you and your SO like garbage.
    Your first priority is the happiness and well being of your immediate
    family. If your parents interfere with that, then CUT THEM OFF!!!! They
    are not worth it.
    
    Eric
    

    re .15
    As I said before, I have no problem cutting THEM off...I pretty
    much did that for a year. The problem is that I also have 3 sisters
    and a brother and 2 kids who I lose in the process since they all
    do things as a family WITH my parents included so if I write them
    off, I exclude myself from all those events and interaction with
    all of my extended family. 
    
    Unfortunately, my SO's entire family is a little strange, as he
    readily agrees and admits to, and we BOTH prefer and love my extended
    family so we can't just switch to his. He is forever telling me
    how terrific my family is and how good it feels to be part of a
    family like I have. Everyone in my family (except my parents) feel
    the same about him. 

    We have very little interaction with his family by our choice so
    if we cut off my parents entirely, we in effect cut off my whole
    family for the most part and end up as a couple without a country!
    Isn't that cutting off our nose to spite our face?
    
    JB

    One more point I should mention...except for their lack of acceptance
    of the split and my new SO, my parents are very wonderful people.
    They have always been there for all of us and have always done anything
    they could for their children and grandchildren (sewing, baking,
    anything and everything.) That's one reason they and my ex are so
    close. He still cares about them too because it's hard not to. That's
    why I was hoping for a more amicable solution than writing them
    off forever. I think once they are exposed to us together and see
    us happily interacting with my siblings and my own children, it'll
    all feel more right so they can start to accept it. That may well
    be pie in the sky though. Only time will tell that...that's why
    I wish it was sooner than the wedding.

"Bringing a "guest" to their house would be out of the question. I could never
pretend that I didn't realize he was unwelcome..."

Pretend... even if it *is* obvious. :-)

"But I CAN have family functions at my house and invite the whole family (plus
my SO) and let them come or miss it as they please (I'm sure they'll find some
lame excuse...sickness, other plans etc. but that's life)."

That's the ticket!  Surely there's a birthday, or holiday before the wedding.
announce to your family (not your parents) before any other plans are made that
you'd like to have the event at your house.  Then your parents are presented
with a fiat accompli, and can either come or not, but you will have the rest
of your family there.

Jim.                                                       

    Re -.1 (Jim)
    
    >That's the ticket!  Surely there's a birthday, or holiday before the
    wedding. 

    The 4th of July is around the corner.  Perhaps they like barbeque?
    
    Elizabeth

    re:.15
    
    	� Sorry, but any parents who basically says me or
    	your SO isn't worth worrying about! �
    
    Personally, I feel the same way. My basic rule has been that anyone
    who forces me to choose between friends (expanded here to include
    relatives) has automatically chosen for me. A true friend would
    not force me to do anything.
    
    But as Jeannette says, there is more at stake than "losing" her
    parents.
    
    --- jerry

    First, I'd try to have some family event at your house as suggested
    in several other replies.  Or how about just inviting your parents
    over for dinner without out mentioning that your SO will be there.
    Maybe you could even have your ex over for dinner at the same time.
    Then, force them to deal with the issue once they get there.  This
    may seem dishonest, but the object is to force your parents to deal
    with the reality of your new life.  Talking will not accomplish
    this, you need to put them into a situation where they can't ignore
    it or walk away from it.
    
    Secondly, bring your SO to events at your parents house even though
    he is not welcome and have the showdown there, with the rest of
    your family around to support you.  Expect the first several meetings
    of your parents and SO to be tense, but hopefully they will become
    more comfortable with the situation once they are forced to accept it.
    If they cannot accept it even after face to face meetings, then
    you have no choice but to exclude your parents from certain aspect
    of your life.  Make sure they understand the consequences of their
    actions, that they are driving themselves out of your life and to
    some extent, the life of their grandchildren.
    
    Another options is to try and have a 'family discussion' about the
    situation at the next family affair, if your family has these kinds
    of discussions.
    
    Last, but not least, do not have the confrontation at your sister's
    wedding.  The wedding is your sister's day, not yours.  Its certainly
    as important to her that your parents be there as it is that you
    be there.  Your sister probably wouldn't dream of inviting you without
    your SO, and insulting you, but is undoubtable between a rock and
    a hard place on this matter.  Don't compound the stress of wedding
    plans any more.  Have your parents meet your SO before the wedding
    and see how they react, then plan to attend the wedding accordingly,
    keeping in mind that the wedding is a celebration of your sister's
    future life, not an event for you to force an issue with your parents.
    If they don't react violently, bring your SO to the wedding, but
    be low key with your parents.  Most parents will try to avoid making
    a scene at their daughter's wedding.

    Good luck!

    
    
    This may sound crazy but maybe you and your SO and your Ex and his
    SO could all get together and talk to your parents together.  since
    it seems that they respect your ex's opinions they might listen
    to him.  This of course  would only work if you and your ex agree
    to the same solution before hand.  It might work.  
    
    

    re:.0 
     Is this new "SO" your husband? Do you live with him? Any replied
    I might give to try to help you would need these questions answered.
     
    Kate
    
    

As a Bride-to-be I am also inviting an in-law who has resently been
    separated. I meet bothof them at the same time and like them
    both. I am inviting the ex-spouse and plan to make it as painless
    as possible for bothof them by inviting the ex to sit with several
    of my friends. I have a feeling that the rest of my SO family will
    not ignore her as she has been a part of there lives for so long.
    
    If either of these guests chose to bring a Guest with them to the
    wedding they will be welcome and I will expect "GOOD" behavior 
    from all my relatives and wait til another occation to protest 
    the situation.
    
    One of the things I like about my SO's family is there lack of head
    games. They are upfront about thier feelings in the family envionment
    but will act polite and well mannered when the behavior is socially
    required. If someone isnt MOM eventually lets them know that thier
    behavior is out of line.
    
    janet
    

    No, my SO and I don't live together. He has his own home with
    his teenage son and I am living in my home with my 2 grown children.

    My sister who is getting married knows every detail of this situation
    from start to finish including the fact that my parents have never
    been to a function that my SO and I were attending. So if she invites
    us and them to her wedding, knowing the situation, she knows what
    she's doing. I have to assume she wouldn't put out a phoney invitation
    hoping that we would decline the offer. 
    
    The "showdown" would be more like a "showup". I think they would
    show up and we would show up. We would sit with my sisters and brother
    and their mates like we always do, and my parents could join us
    or find more suitable seating if they preferred...THEIR choice.
    Either way, none of us is the violent type who would argue in public
    so no matter where they sit, it would be a cold war at the worst. We'd
    talk to one couple while they talked to another. I doubt any stranger
    in the room would recognize that there was friction. But it would
    at least force them to recognize his existance and witness everyone
    else's acceptance of him and response to us as a couple including
    my children who they assume are devastated by the split. 
    
    They should have seen my SO and I, with my daughter and her boyfriend,
    who all went to Vermont to visit my sister and her family this past
    weekend...we had a fabulous time. If they could witness that kind
    of weekend, they could stop fantasizing about the dread and gloom
    that pervades all our lives after this trauma. Even if they sat
    across the room at the wedding, I think they'd get to watch how
    well we ALL interact with each other and it would start their healing
    process....sort of what a funeral does for the survivors after a
    death. 

    Perhaps everyone should consider the reasons why your parents are
    so resistant to accepting this divorce.  It seems likely to me that
    if the are close to your ex husband, they have a real fear of losing
    contact with him (which generally happens) and they're probably just
    angry because your initiation of the divorce, forced this upon them.
    I have a feeling, that like many people, they see their children
    as both an extension of themselves, and deep down inside, they still
    see your actions as an indication of the type of parents they are.
    Maybe it would help if you would try to explore their feelings in
    this area.  They might feel that if they accept the divorce, they
    are condoning your behavior, which they donot approve of.
    
    Since you have indicated that you and ex are on amiable terms, I don't
    understand why you seem to be angry over invitations to your parents
    home, that include him (Father's Day).  Perhaps you should go to
    the get-together on Father's Day, and bring your SO (tell your ex
    beforehand that you're going to do this) and if there is no animoisity
    between the men, you're parents could see that they don't have to
    desert their son-in-law (former) for your new SO.  I doubt that
    they would be rude, to your SO, and at this point, maybe that is
    all you can expect.  I can understand how much you would like them
    to care about your SO, but I think your asking too much of them
    at this point.  It seems to me that as long as they are courteous
    to him, you should accept that.  I don't think you should wait till
    the wedding, to have them meet him.
    
    Good luck to all of you.  Try to remember, time has a way of working 
    these things out.
    SandieD          

    re: .0, .26
    
    Seems to me like .26 is very close to 'right on'.
    
    It appears that since your parents (most parents) have already made
    up their minds that the 'first SO' was the best. In order for them
    to accept the 2nd SO, they'd need to be 'wrong'.
    
    So, they continue with the fantasy that 'all is well' .. even when
     its not. I saw my 'poor mother' going through this sort of scenario
    with her unwed grandaughters. It was painful for her, bnut eventually
    she accepted the situation as being one that could not be denied.
    
    In the base note, it was stated that the new 'SO' didn't go to the
    graduation. Personally, if it were me, me new 'SO' would go everywhere
    that the PRINCIPLE guest/host would accepts it, and only in the most
    extreme situation go places where my new SO was not welcome. 
    
    Since graduations are generally 'the graduates day', and weddings are
    the 'groom and brides' days; I'd accept what is comfortable for them. 
    
    My new relatives (my SO's family) think I am great, so its no problem
    for me. Even if it were a problem FOR THEM, it would still be no
    problem FOR ME.
    
    When thinking about 'problems' its necessary to decide WHOSE problem
    that it is, and let THAT person take responsiblity for solving
    it.
    
    What my nieces did, since they always got a lecture on morality when
    they saw my mother, was to stop visiting her, but let her know that she
    was welcome at their house PROVIDED that she did not lecture them on
    their 'lifes choice'. 
    
    Eventually, my mothers desire to see her great Grandchildren
    overpowered her archiac religious preference, and today they all visit
    together as well as possible. Visiting isn't the same as condoning or
    even accepting. 
    
    There is an especially ignored passage in the epistle of St. Paul that
    more/less says that 'the  chosen ones' should not make life difficult
    for the 'others', since it is up to 'tco' to be leaders in example and
    decorum. 
    
    My thought behind this example is this: When you provide enough
    incentive to your parents, they may accept your new SO.
    
    As has been sugested already, one wasy to do this is in collaboration
    with your ex. That all FOUR of you attend the family gettogethers
    together to demonstrate to your parents that there is life after
    divorce; and Parents can 'like' ex's for whom they are, and not
    necessarily because of whom they are married to.
    
    And probably as important: They don't need to feel 'wrong' just
    because the marraige wasn't 'right'. 

    Bob