| In my humblest opinion...
(I don't *know* what's going on... all I can do is read your note...)
"One night we got a bit too close for comfort and kissed for a while but stopped
there. We were both feeling pretty good at the time and the experience was
*very* nice. The next few days that followed, we each felt a little strange
about what had happened and thought to ourselves that we should keep our
distance and be careful. This was roughly half a year ago. I don't really know
how this happened, but now, we are *very* much in love and want to be together
always."
Sigh... forbidden fruit is always so much sweeter... It might have been better
if you'd gone ahead and 'done it' then and gotten it out of your system. Now,
you've been thinking of it and wishing for it for a year, and the more that you
think about it the stronger it will get.
"but now, we are *very* much in love and want to be together always. It's kind
of funny but we both seemed to have gotten married for the wrong reasons and we
both have been contemplating divorce separately, for longer than we have known
each other. We get along great, are soooo compatable, and the chemistry is
always boiling....if you know what I mean."
I think that you are fooling yourself.
Look at it this way... if you are not happy in your marriage, it's much easier
to get distracted and get involved in an affair then to work on the problem.
And then, since it is your affair that gives you happiness, you will spend more
and more time on that, and less and less on your marriage. You sure will not be
motivated to work out the problems in your marriage.
"To her, I am everything she always wanted in a man, and she is more than I ever
dreamed for --- seems too good to be true!"
It is "too good to be true" in the way that you are seeing it. She may be a
wonderfull person, and you probably are too, and the two of you may be perfecct
for each other. But... What about your spouses and the committment that you
made to them? Are you truely incompatible with your spouses? It would be easy
to hop to the next relationship without coming to grips with the problems, but
then they will repeat themselves with your new partner.
If you are truely incompatible with your partners keep that issue seperate from
wanting to be with your neighbor. Imagine that you don't have someone waiting
in the wings; how does your spouse compare to that?
Anyone who has read many of my notes will know that in general I support more
open relationships, and that I'm not attached two-till-death-do-us-part. But I
like my relationships to be healthy, and I never advocate leaving one person for
another. It's against my very reasons for open relationships. To me, it's a
distraction from a difficult problem to a 'fleeting pleasure'. Unless you work
through the problem, whether it results in a divorce or not, the problem will
come up again.
Having said that...
If you choose to address the problems in your marriages, you may have an uphill
battle with your spouses convincing them that these problems need to be worked
out, and that they have to work at it and listen to you too.
It's good that your wife is not bent out of shape. How about the other husband?
I will warn you that the good will is not likely to remain. Make the most of it
to get the legal details out of the way now if you decide to seperate. Get it in
writing, and get it to the court before sentiments change.
Then, if you agree to change things between yourselves you don't have to deal
with the court. The court is the roughest part of divorce and does not help one
bit.
I will warn you that you are setting yourself up for having 1/3 of your gross
income taken from your paycheck for child support. Yes, that's right, 1/3.
Feel free to contact me through mail if you wish.
Jim Baranski
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| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This reply is being entered anonymously by me from the author of the
base note -
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RE: .2
> Compare and contrast this relationship with the relationship you
> first had with your wife back when you met and decided to marry.
> How is it different? How is it the same?
For the most part, it's *very* different. I married my wife because I got
her pregnant, and I always believed, or rather tried to convince myself, that
by giving much effort things could/would work out fine. Well it's been 7
years and things have not improved -- I'm a bit tired, but I feel I've tried.
It's sad that we have grown apart. This new relationship is far different.
It's love and attraction; we have similar interests, intellect, energy, and
personality -- something quite necessary that just was never there with my
wife and I.
> You say that you've considered divorce for longer than you've known
> her. Why didn't you act on it earlier? What kept you in the marriage?
> How has that changed now -- why is it no longer keeping you in the
> marriage?
The reasons for hanging on were: hope that things might change for the better,
not wanting to feel like a failure, and concern for my son. As time marched
on, it has become more and more apparent that we are just not a good match,
and never will be. I'm sure the affair has affected my thinking on this
somewhat, but it is separate from the deterioration of my marriage.
...not sure if that makes much sense......it does it me anyway.
> How long could you wait to merge households without going completely
> bonkers? Could you wait until the divorce proceedings were over?
> Could you wait for a month after that? Three months? Why is it
> that you can wait that much or that little time?
I'm not sure about this one. I'ld like to just pack up my son, my lover, and
her kids and head out to start our new lives together. However, due to the
complications of home-ownership and concern for the people's lives involved
(namely, my son, wife, her husband, as well as family and friends) we have
to ride this one out a bit. I really don't know how this will come together.
I picture a separation on each of our parts and moving in together with her
and the kids while proceedings are moving along. This is the toughest part
to think about and implement. Anyone got any ideas on this?????
RE: .1 For these reasons given above (concerning personal similarites etc.),
I disagree with .1 in that the same problems wouldn't crop up again.
After all, we are not starting out with the problems to begin with,
as I did with my wife, and my coming to her is not under moral
obligation etc...
I really hope that I can be the custodial parent and that there remains
a solid agreement between my wife and I on this point; but if not,
thanks for tip on the legal part. I will get it in writing asap. As
for 1/3 of pay goes, oh well, I guess there is sometimes a price to
pay for mistakes. I picture that as an expense that will benefit our
son. I will always be an intricate part of my sons life and will
remain as active as possible, no matter what.
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| I lived this once, with minor differences. I was married, she was
married. I was unhappy in my 1st marriage, she was unhappy in her
2nd. Boy...did we *need* each other. It was so different, it was
so exciting. We talked. We communicated. She was everything in
a woman that I could ever want. The inevitable crisis came quickly.
The divorces followed, the bitter recriminations and legal hassles
that happen in these things followed. And then we were married.
The problems between the children were very bad, but, I think they
were caused by the fact that the kids each *owned* a parent and
deserved to be there but since I didn't have custody there was no
time to iron out the territorial conflicts. Having custody may
smooth those out. There will allways be problems with kids and
the more kids the more the problems.
After we were married, there was a live in arrangement for a few
years, things deteriorated very quickly. Since my second wife is
a DEC employee, I will not go into the details of the breakup.
I will, however suggest that you read "The Partners Within" (I think
that is the title, I can check if you want) and "The Road Less
Traveled". Each deal, in part, with our projecting our internal
needs onto other people. What we see is not necessarily what we
get but rather what we are. Read them...see how they relate
to you. As you may have guessed, I am not married to my second
wife anymore. It lasted less than 2 years...a lot less. In the
afore mentioned volumes there are very lengthy discussions of the
'transferrance'. If I had read them before, I probably still would
have ignored the warning signs. The warning signs were there adn
I didn't see them.
Personally...I will *NEVER* get myself into your situation again.
My recommendation is: If you insist on getting together (sometimes
these things work) don't get married for a while; Don't live together
for a while; read (*PLEASE*) the above mentioned texts. You don't
need to go through another divorce and there is plenty of time left
in your, her, my life.
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