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Title: | What's all this fuss about 'sax and violins'? |
Notice: | Archived V1 - Current conference is QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS |
Moderator: | ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI |
|
Created: | Fri May 09 1986 |
Last Modified: | Wed Jun 26 1996 |
Last Successful Update: | Fri Jun 06 1997 |
Number of topics: | 1327 |
Total number of notes: | 28298 |
734.0. "A PHILOSOPHY...WITH HUMOR" by AWARD2::HARMON () Wed Apr 05 1989 16:29
Yes, another strange "memo" has crossed my desk and thought I'd share
it with fellow noters... I have no idea who the original author was or
where it was taken from. Enjoy.
NEW BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike.
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After
countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these
facts have emerged:
RELATIONSHIPS:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he
refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing in on a
semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and
pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled
"All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a
little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at
3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I forgive you,
and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know
there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You/I
Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least
once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get
over this need; alas, these classes rearely prove effective.
SEX:
Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
foreplay.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball
cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high
school romances rarely work.
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large
loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from
a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the
end of the note.
BATHROOMS:
A man has at most six items in hsi bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday
Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and
buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery
shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man
reaches the checkout cournter, his cart is packed tighter than the
Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop
him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
GOING OUT:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to
go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her
makeup...
CATS:
Women love cats. men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely
aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty teh
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress
up for: weddings, funerals.
DAVID LETTERMAN:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out
of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside our, rent a U-Haul
and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect
to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.
WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men
talk about "the bachelor party".
SOCKS:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women
wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
T.R | Title | User | Personal Name | Date | Lines |
---|
734.1 | | HANDY::MALLETT | Barking Spider Industries | Wed Apr 05 1989 17:54 | 5 |
| I've always loved that one and I've wondered at it's origin. . .
Dave Barry, perhaps?
Steve
|
734.2 | You were peeking! | SUPER::REGNELL | Smile!--Payback is a MOTHER! | Thu Apr 06 1989 11:19 | 11 |
|
{won'erful!}
Having just spent an evening with a friend to whom
I said I was ready to leave and then proceded to
visit the bathroom, fix the leaky faucet, and
make a phone call....and then leave {almost}...
I am guitly! {still laughing, but guilty!}
Melinda
|
734.3 | Source! | ATSE::VMILLER | I'd like a VT100 ribbon, please | Thu Apr 06 1989 15:58 | 12 |
| Re: .0 and .1
This wonderful tome is from the book "If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About
A Quart Low" by Lewis Grizzard.
He also has another excellent book called "Elvis Is Dead And I Don't
Feel So Good Myself".
Check them out.
Vernon Miller
|
734.4 | | CADSE::GLIDEWELL | Wow! It's The Abyss! | Mon Apr 10 1989 01:46 | 150 |
| > ... and they dot
> their "i's" with circles and hearts.
> ... she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Guilty!
I was free of this 'decoration' for years
... til I started reading notes
:) :) :)
Here is the ultimate list for those who want
to indulge in smiley faces ...
[Pat and mod, feel free to delete if too off the subject]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#-) Submitter partied all night
#:-) Someone with matted hair
*:-) Someone with curly hair
#:-o "Oh, nooooooo!" (a la Mr. Bill)
%-) Person submitting has been staring at the terminal for 36 hours
%-^ Submitter is Picasso
%*} Submitter is very drunk
'-) Submitter only has a left eye, which is closed
':-) Submitter accidentally shaved off one of his eyebrows this morning
(-) Submitter needing a haircut
(-: Submitter is left-handed
(-E: Submitter wears bifocals
(:)-) Submitter likes to scuba dive
:-( Frowning
(:-) Big smiley-face
):-( Big frowny-face
(:I Egghead
)8-) Scuba smiley big-face
*-( Cyclops got poked in the eye
*:o) submitter is a Bozo
*<|:-) submitter is Santa Claus (Ho Ho Ho)
+-(:-) Submitter is the pope
+:-) Smiley priest
+<:-) "Peace be with you, my children..."
,-} Wry and winking
-:-) Submitter sports a mohawk
->=:-)X Zippy the Pinhead
.-) Submitter has one eye
.-( Always should wear safety glasses
-( Especially in the laser burn-in room
.-] One-eyed smiley
0-) Smiley cyclops (scuba diver?)
0:-) Angel
8 ] Submitter is Pinnochio
8-) Smiley swimmer, submitter wears glasses, wide-eyed look
8:-) Glasses on forehead, submitter is a little girl
8:] Normal smiley face except that submitter is a gorilla
8*) Smile with glasses and a moustache (or a star for a nose)
8^ Submitter is a chicken
:%)% Submitter has acne
:- Prolog programmer
:-| Smiley bland face
:-# Respondent's lips are sealed, braces-wearer
:-{ Smiley with a moustache
:-$ Smiley with it's mouth wired shut
:-% Respondent has beard, smiley banker
:-& Smiley who is tongue-tied
:-'| Submitter has a cold
:-( Submitter has read too many 'smiley' articles, boo hoo, sad-face
:-(*) Submitter is getting sick of most recent netnews articles and is
about to vomit
:-) The standard smiley face; appended to a sentence or an article
means "this is a joke" or "this is supposed to make you laugh".
:-)' Submitter tends to drool
:-)-{8 Submitter is a big girl
:-)8 Submitter is well-dressed
:-* Smiley after eating a sour pickle
8-* Just ate a hot pepper
:-/ Lefty undecided smiley
:-\ Righty undecided smiley
:-0 Smiley orator
:-6 Smiley after eating something bitter
:-7 Smiley after a wry statement
:-8( Condescending stare
:-9 Smiley licking its lips
:-: Mutant smiley
:-< Real sad smiley
:-=) Older smiley with moustache
:-> Hey hey!
:-? Smiley smoking a pipe
:-@ Respondent's beard has permanent wave *or* was drawn by Picasso,
smiley face screaming
:-D Wider happy/anticipatory face
:-I Hmmmmm...
:-O Uh oh!
:-P Nyah nyah!
:-Q Smoker
:-X Bow tie
:-[ Unsmiley blockhead, critical
:-] Smiley blockhead;
:-` Smiley spitting out its chewing tobacco
:-a Lefty smiley touching tongue to nose
:-b Left-pointing tongue smiley
:-c Bummed out smiley
:-d Lefty smiley razzing you
:-j Left smiling smiley
:-k Beats me, looks like something though!
8-o Submitter is shocked
:-p Smiley sticking its tongue out (at you!)
:-q Smiley trying to touch its tongue to its nose
:-s Smiley after a BIZARRE comment
:-v Talking Head smiley
:-x "My lips are sealed" smiley
:-{~ Submitter read too many toilet paper articles previous to lunch
:-} Respondent wears lipstick
:< Midget unsmiley
:> Midget smiley
:<| Submitter attends an Ivy League school
:=) submitter has two noses
:>) Submitter has a beak nose
:^( Submitter has had his nose put out of joint. Useful for replying to
flames.
:^) Smiley with pointy nose (righty)
:n) Smiley with funny-looking nose
:~) Smiling face needs a nose-job, no explanation necessary
;-) Winking smiley
<:I Dunce
=:-( (Real punk rockers don't smile!)
=:-) Smiley punker, submitter is a hosehead
/;-) Submitter has one big thick cockeyed eyebrow
\:-( Poster is a Scottish Highland Bagpiper!
>:-) Devil
>;-) Devilish wink
>w Nose-thumbing gesture
@-) person submitting is Cyclops
@:I Turban
@= Flame about nuclear war, power or weapons follows (mushroom cloud)
B-) Horn-rims
B-| Person submitting is wearing cheap sunglasses
C=:-) Chef
C=>8*) A devilish chef with glasses
P-) Person submitting is getting fresh
[:-) Submitter is listening to a Sony Walkman
[:|] Submitter is a robot (or other appropriate AI project)
o<:*{{{ Submitter is Santa
{(:-) Submitter is wearing a toupee
{:-) Smiley with its hair parted in the middle
|-) Submitter is asleep (boredom), hee hee
|-( Asleep with nightmares
|-D Ho ho!
|-P Yuk yuk
}(:-( Submitter wearing a toupee in wind
}:-) Above in an updraft
|