Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    I went through a "relationship" burnout.  What you have to do is
    to look at the relationship and see if it's just a passing thing
    or if it's severe.  If it is severe you have to ask yourself if
    it is actually over.  If it is over, end it honestly and as cleanly
    as possible.  My realtionship was dead for two years and didn't
    notice and always wanted to try and say lets give it a try for love's
    sake.  It just doesn't do it...
    
    Bill

    I get the impression from .0 (correct me if I'm wrong) that you
    seem to be making a lot of the efforts towards removing the "burnout"
    feeling, re-sparking the relationship.  Talk with your SO and see
    how they feel, what they want, discuss possible futures.  Maybe
    see a counselor, take up a new hobby together?  Show each other
    new facets to yourselves?
    
    -Jody

    RE 0
    	I entered a reply earlier today..... It either ended up elsewhere
    or I just totally screwed up...(maybe I was dreaming) Well anyway....
    
    	Relationships take work... But then again all good things do.
    You first have to decide how important he is to you, and how much
    work you are willing to put into it..........if it is what you really
    want... If you rreally care...........
    
    	Then can I suggest 1st reading thru this notefile and continuing
    to read others... There is a wealth of information in vaxnotes
    concerning ways of dealing with relationships. But not only that,
    there is an abundance of notes on things to do, and ways to change
    (and grow.)
    
    	2. How do you communicate? If the answer to that is: "Not very
    well", or "it can improve" then do something about it. Find ways
    of breaking those walls, and talk.... It can make a difference.....
    
    
    	3. Seek a counselor. As we "grow up", we tend to build walls.
    A professional can sometimes help in ways that we ourselves never
    can. (Not good for everyone, but if the relationship is worth it,
    then no stone should be unturned)
    
    	4. Change... Do things a little different.... Look at the way
    you now do things, and try to find ways of breaking those habits...
    It does'nt have to be a major change either.... Just do things a
    little different.
    	
    		Send him flowers..... (Boy thats different huh?)
    
    	have breakfast on a deserted beach with noone around (Except
    him of course) ...... Get there before the sun comes up.... bring
    candles and a blanket..... and watch the sun rise...................
    
    	
        Use your imagination.........
    
    
    
    
    and good luck........................
    curt
    

    
    	I second what .2 was saying about it sounding like you're doing
    	most of the work holding things together.  Is this the case?
        There has to be a commitment from BOTH of you to keep things
        going, or it's going to get mighty lonely.
    
    	I just read a book (I know, those things can be trouble!) about
    	being in a couple, but still maintaining your freedom so you
        don't feel trapped.  Perhaps this is part of what's going on?
        I know for myself this is usually one of the "biggies" when
        I get through the muck to find out the reason for relationship
    	problems.  Of course, I don't come out and say it.  In the past,
    	I've denied it and just turned cold, hanging on until the relationship
        slowly wastes away from neglect.

    	For what it's worth,
    
    	Larry

    It's the stuff that dreams are made of......I like Carly Simons
    philosophy :-)

    Relationships will not always be on an upnote - life can't be exciting
    with your SO every single moment.  There will be those times when
    things are just kind of stagnant, but if there is a strong love and
    committment between the two then things won't always be stagnant.  I
    agree with the other responses.  You have to be creative and try new
    activities, etc.  Anything that is the same for a long period of time
    will get boring unless you do something about it ! (Why do you thing
    furniture stores and wallpaper stores do such good businesses)
    
    You both have to be committed to making the relationship work.  Take
    dancing lessons together or buy a couple of bicycles to go riding
    together.  Be careful what you choose to do - if you are both very
    competitive, you may want to avoid activities where you are against
    each other (ie. tennis, or other 1-1 sports).
    
    If the love and desire to be together is there, your relationship will
    last.  One of the main ingredients is just simply liking to be with the
    other persion.  Do you think that couples who celebrate their 25th or 50th
    wedding anniversaries had lives together where every moment was
    exciting?  I went through 'relationship burnout' and broke up with my
    SO.  Six months later we were back together - we love each other and
    enjoy each others company, whether we are skiing, going out to dinner,
    or just simply taking a silent walk together.
    
    Good luck.  If you both feel the relationship is worth it, work
    together to make it last !
    
    Ellen

       2> I get the impression {correct me if I'm wrong}

     No, you are not wrong. We have been going together for almost
 2 yrs and I care very much for him. I am not interested in "giving up"
 what we have built together.  We have been through quite alot in the 2
 yrs we have shared.

       3> 4. Change things...  Send him Flowers.....

    I do send him flowers and cards, I have even sent him candy. Just
 sometimes it feel like I am the only one who is doing the changing.

       3>  Use your imagination.....

  This may seem silly but what do you do when your SO is **afraid**
 of your imagination??  { this is an honest question}  

      4> Thanks Larry.  p.s. What is the title of the book??


      6> "Do you **like** being with your SO?"

   Yes, I love spending time with him, doesn't matter if we are sitting
 home listening to music or out for a drive. I enjoy his company but he 
 does not know how to react to that fact {this he has told me himself}.
 Our communication level has been strained over the past few months. He
 has a bad habit of shutting the world {and me} out.. I've been working
 on breaking that habit {yes, he seems to be trying as well}.
       I have read through this file and every day I find something new
 that might help.  Thank you all for your responses and your help. With
 luck and alittle help from friends we just might make it!!!

                           Thanks,
                             P.

    RE: -.1
    
    When you said "shutting the world out," I immediately flashed on
    my current situation living with a husband who suffers from depression.
    Has your SO had any problems like this in the past?  If this seems
    to be an ongoing thing with a lot of emotional highs and lows--with
    the lows getting longer and harder for him to get out of, I would
    suggest the possiblity of getting him to a therapist ASAP.  I don't
    mean to be an alarmist, but I've so recently gone through feelings
    that I am the person doing all the giving, he is the person doing
    all the taking, yet it never seems to make any real difference in
    our relationship that I am a bit concerned for you.  In a setting
    where depression rules the day, it is easy to feel drained and that
    no matter what you do it's futile.
    
    Wishing you the Best,
    
    Barb

    
    	I had stated previously that a counselor could help....
    
    I stress it after reading your last note..... Have you talked to
    him about the idea? If so was he receptive? Insurance pays for it,
    so the only burden (In my eyes) is emotion and pride. I do not mean
    to be sarcastic, and I do not attempt to guess what either of you
    are like. I am stating that from my own heart..........
    
    	I was one who could not deal with things.... I closed people
    out.... Especially those closest to me.... Because of that I think
    now that was one of the reasons my exwife left...... But to go
    backward.it was pride and my own emotions that stopped me dead.
    I did not deal with it in anyway. Communication was zilch. and the
    list goes on...
    
    	But when she left I realised I had to change.. .I sought
    professional help. And you know it really changed my life. I have
    finally tapped myself. I can see things about myself I never saw
    before. I really do believe if I did not seek that help, I would
    still be the same, closed, silent, non communicative person I was.
    That thought alone scares me..... Now I can deal with my emotions..
    Whether they be good , bad, or caused from myself or others.
    
    	So I really suggest seeking help... If he does not want to go
    with you, go alone... It can help..