Conference quark::human_relations-v1

It is said that the best revenge is living well in spite of whatever you wish
revenge for.

It is also true, I think, that the best thanks that you can give to someone that
you love/ were loved by, if you cannot be with them, is to live well. If you
truely love them, continue your life so that they have no cause for guilt or
fear for you. 

I know.

Jim.

    Re .1, I *like* your answer, Jim, and I agree!
    
    Lorna
    

         Perhaps you think that "letting" go of her memory
         will somehow lessen your love for her. So you do
         not let go because you do not wish to negate those
         deep feelings? 
         
         Or perhaps you hesitate becuase you cannot promise
         to another that *very* special love you feel for
         this woman....don't want to...it is after all *hers*?
         
         Your love for the mother of your son cannot be changed by merely
         loving someone else. They are not mutually exclusive.
         From the very brief recount you give, she is not
         vindictive, does not wish to replace your position
         with your child....a neat lady?
         
         She would not begrudge you love? Would she? Think
         about it as doing what she would wish for you? Love
         someone else to show that you are still capable of
         love....and remember how well you loved her.
         
         And your new lady....I bet she does not expect you
         to replace your ex-wife with her....I would guess
         she would want her own *special* place in your heart.
         So you need not give her that little plot of ground
         that will always be someone else's.
         
         Sounds to me like you have pretty exceptional taste
         in women....I think they could help you with this.
         And reassure you that you are not going to be asked
         for the impossible....just love.
         
         Celebrate your feelings for her by sharing them with
         another neat lady. Love is a nifty thing...it expands
         to fill all available recepticals if only we give
         it a chance....
         
         Melinda
         
         BTW....If you really continue to have a bad time with
         this....asking help from professionals is always
         an acceptable course of action.  There are trained
         folks out there to help us hurdle the water-jumps...
         Hmmmm?
         
         Luck...
         
         M-
                                     

    Re: .0
    
    While you want to get her out of your mind, it's not necessary to
    wind up disliking her.  You sound like you don't want to do that;
    the next step is to not do it.
    
    You don't have to stop loving her, but you can try to put that love
    on a different level.  Think of all the people in your life that
    you love or care about and the different ways you care about them.
    Think about the friends you made in school and how you feel about
    them, even if you haven't seen them in a long time.  Think about
    the people far away that you talk to every so often.  Even though
    they aren't an everyday presence in your life, you can still care
    about them.  In the same way, you can continue to care about her.
    Granted, it will take time; the death of a relationship can cause
    as much grief as the death of a person.  If you've ever experienced
    a bereavement, think about how long it took you to recover and what
    that process was like.

      I can relate to how .0 feels. Even a year and half after my
      separation I still think of Ray every day. Sometimes I still cry
      over it. Someone who has been a part of your life is always a part
      of your life. Somedays you remember and you hate them, others you
      remember and you still love them.

      It hurts to be replaced. I'm still learning to deal with it. It
      would be easier to be able to forget that special someone had ever
      existed but it would make our lives poorer if we did. liesl

    	When (EX) my wife left I truly thought all life ended.. It takes
    a long time to "let go". I have a suggestion for you that may or
    may not apply. Now that I look back on my past tho, I realise it
    may have helped me enough to get on with my life and find happiness.
    
    	Two years is enough to feel those emotions. Seek a councilor (I
    can never spell that right) When I finally reached the end of the
    rope, I sought help. It took More for me to call that number, than
    anything I had ever done in my life.
    
    	But going changed my life. I was able to deal with my
    feelings/emotions. I was able to go on from there and be myself.
    *It takes a while to find yourself if you have been with another
    for a period of time*
    
    	I know I am probably not doing this justice, but bear with me
    please. The important thing to keep in your mind is that you are
    a person with feelings. Feelings/emotions can be a great thing.
    But then again they can also destroy you. You have to find a way
    of letting go. If you are unable to do it by yourself then seek
    help. 
    
    	If you sit back and do nothing to change the situation, you
    may possibly miss out on lifetime opportunities. If I never sought
    help I would never have found the most important thing in my life.
    I have been married again a year now this month. It has never been
    this good. I learned so much from that experience, and it is helping
    me make Barb a very happy (I Hope) woman. And myself a very happy
    man. By seeking a therapist,I was able to not only let go, but also
    see what I was doing wrong.
    I was able to see where I could change. I have brought about many
    changes because of the experience, and I will continue. I am a new
    person who is not only willing to try, but one who wants to experience
    life in a different way. I have finally achieved that which you seek.
    I have gotten my ex out of my life. She is there somewhere, but
    far enough back to only be a memory. She can no longer effect my
    every waking moment. It was a hard long process, with a hell of
    a lot of pain, but I was successful.
    	So I suggest you at least think about it. If you care enough
    about this person you are with (You mentioned meeting someone) then
    you will go to any extreme to not let your past hurt her. We have
    no right to let our past burdon those we are involved with. We owe
    it not only to oursleves, but to them to let go of our past....
    
    	Good luck with your current situation. You have my whole hearted
    support. It is a tough battle, but you can do it if you set your
    priorities..
    
    curt
    

    To get her out of your mind, it is going to take some time but you
    will get over her.  As I say time heals all wounds. We have all
    been there at least once in our life and it is a very painful
    situtation. You can try to get her out of her mind if you actually
    get rid of memoriblia that you have that reminds you of her (very
    painful, but effective), and stop thinking about her completely
    (another difficult task but it can be done).  There is going to
    come along ( I pretty much garantee) someone else that is going
    to sweep you off your feet! If you find someone and fall deeply
    in love with her, you will forget (I mean almost totally) about
    your wife.  It is very painful, very difficult to try to forget
    about someone you care for, but everyone does experience it so you
    know you are not alone :-) just hang in there, things always turn
    out for the best :-)
    
    hope I helped
    
    Lynne S.

    You have been getting some Excellent advice.  I hope that you are
    able to decide which of it is the most appropriate for you, and
    take it.  I would like to share the experiences of a good friend
    of mine, whose situation is very similar to your own.
    
    Al's wife of 20+ years left him almost 4 years ago.  He was Crushed.
    They had always gotten along very well, but there was just no romance
    left in the marriage.  (MANY of us can relate to that! :-(  When
    his ex advised him that she was going to move in with her lover,
    he suffered a breakdown.  He had been dating another very nice lady,
    but just could not let go of his feelings for his ex.
    
    Slowly and painfully, he was able to rebuild a life, reestablish
    a loving relationship with the other special lady, and is now very
    happy.  He still has feelings for his ex, and probably always will.
    But he is very much in love with this other person.  They are now
    engaged to be married!
    
    BTW, that other woman is *MY* ex-wife!  I am very happy for them,
    and hope to dance at their wedding!
    
    Jack

    I want to speak to this note from another angle.
    
    I used date a man who was divorced, but who just couldn't seem to
    let go of his feelings for her (she left him).  As I gradually got
    to care more and more for this man, I became more and more hurt
    and resentful of his constant "what might have been",s.  I started
    to think, 'WHEN is he ever going to let go??  Will there ever be
    a chance for me?'
    
    It became just a waiting game for me, and I finally gave up and
    left.  
    
    This note certainly is not meant to make anyone feel bad about mourning
    the loss of a relationship!  That's right and natural.  What I feel
    is NOT natural is to prolong the feelings, NOT deal with the feelings,
    and throw away happiness with both hands.
    
    Getting professional help takes guts, I'll admit, but it helps you
    to eventually help yourself.  Plus it always gives you someone to
    "emote to" when your friends have heard enough, aleady! ;-)
    
    Thank you for entering this note, and I wish you happiness and health.
    Please keep us posted!
    
    Jane

    Re .9, I know what you mean about people who won't let go of past
    relationships.  I find it very frustrating, too.  Recently, a male
    acquaintance mentioned that he was going out for a drink with somebody.
     He said, "We're going to cry on each other's shoulders about our
    divorces."  The only problem is, that my friend has been separated
    for over two years and divorced for over a year.  The actual blow-up
    and end of the marriage was over 2 years ago.  Yes, it's sad, but,
    for God's sake either force yourself to move on, or commit suicide
    and get it over with!  (I'm "saying" that to my friend, not to the
    author of .0.)  I don't mean to sound heartless but there are times
    in life where something happens that is so bad (a relationship ends
    that we want to continue, somebody we love dies) that we just have
    to decide what we are going to do.  We are either going to become
    mentally ill and waste the rest of our lives, commit suicide, or
    just say, ok, it's time to forget this and think about something
    else, and, figuratively, turn around and walk the other way!  It
    does hurt to get over somebody you love.  The hurt is almost unbearable
    for awhile, but it does end if you determined to have a happy life
    and other interests and friends.
    
    Sometimes I compare it to my cats.  It may sound silly to some people
    but I always get *very* attached to my cats, and when one of them
    dies, I feel devastated.  But, then I remember how many other cats
    and kittens there still are out in the world who need love, and
    just go out and get another kitten.  Well, it may sound very corny,
    but there are a lot of other people out there in the world who need
    love, too, and it's a lot more interesting to give some of them
    a chance, than to just sit around moping about the past.
    
    Lorna
    

    Hi, 
    
    I been reading this note and yes you have given some good advice.
    I sort of feel I am on the other side.
    
    I left my husband after 4 years of marriage and our daughter was
    6 months old.  I took all the guilt of destroying his life.  I felt
    very bad about hurting him and I would like to see him go on with
    his life and be happy.  The divorce has been 2 years now but it
    still seems that he has not accepted yet.
    
    But I do not think that people realize that some people who leave
    the marriage also go through emotional pain.  I have been dealing
    with this pain for over two years and I do not know how to let go.
    I do not have much trust in myself with relationships, and I am
    still afraid that if I get close with someone real special I will
    wind up hurting them too.
    
    Since the divorce, I have seek help, but I hide all my angry or
    pain and try not to let anyone know that I am really hurting inside.
    I do not want to hurt anyone else.
    
    I have pick up my life and gone on, but when I think back at things
    I know that I have just covered up things and now it seems real
    hard to focus on what is the real pain now.  I also do not know
    how to explain to someone that I have gotten close to that I am
    a real lost person.
    
    Yes I know it takes time, but isn't two years long enough.

    Re: .10	How can you tell someone to commit suicide? Is this
    		a friend of yours? How about bearing with them? Has it
    		ever happened to you? I DO think it's heartless to say
    		that! I agree that people should get on with their life
    		but they have to heal first.
    
    		Mark
    

    RE 11.
    	I do not want to sway this note from the base message, but I
    would like to comment on the last reply. I apologise ahead of time
    to .0 and hope there is no offence taken. I just feel there is
    something needed to be said.
    
    	I was one who already added a reply to this note, expressing
    what the base noter could do to help. But I want to say I understand
    .11 fully. Though my ex left me in our marriage, I can empathise
    with you. I know my ex(wife) went through hell. I have never seen
    anyone that confused......scared....or devastated......
                                               
    	I know she went through a worse time than I did. She wasn't
    even sure why she left.... We talked many many long nights for hours
    at a time for months after she left. I never want to see another
    person go through that kind of hell. She tried so many times to
    pull her life together and deal with it, but it did not work... 
      	I have not spoken with her for quite some time, (Lots of reasons)
    and I only hope she is ok. So I just want to say to .11 it's ok.
    
    	There should be no blame on either part. In a relationship,
    whether it be marriage or not, the responsibility is 50/50. If there
    is fault, it is on both sides. I however feel that noone should
    be blamed. Sometimes things happen in our lifes that we have no
    control. If you (RE.11) stayed in the marriage it could have destroy
    you. (I am not attempting to guess what happened). I only know that
    if Lisa (MY EX-wife) stayed with me she probably would not have
    been happy. That would have worn us both down more than her leaving.
    I do not blame her (NEver have), and I only hope she has stopped
    blaming herself. She grew in life in a way apart for my trail in
    life. Our values both changed. It is over. It is time for both to
    give up the guilt, sorrow, and anguish.
                                       So be good to yourself.   
    
    forgive yourself.
    and re.0  let yourself grow from the pain and anger... there is
    so much out there to experience... look at it as a learning experience.
    There is a better life. I now know how much my life lacked.... I
    have found the better life.
    
    curt
    

    re. last several:
    
    I take exception to the suggestion that someone who is hurting should
    commit suicide to put themselves (and presumably their "loving"
    friends") out of their pain.  Yes, broken relationships hurt, but
    anything worth having is worth some pain.
    
    Another noter asked, "Isn't two years long enough?"  Answer:  It
    depends.  The loss of a loved one (whether through death, divorce,
    or desertion) is painful, and it takes time to heal.  How much time
    depends so much on the relationship and the individuals involved.
    Grief counselors tell us that we shouldn't let our friends and family
    "force" us out of the mourning period before we're ready.  And only
    the person who's hurting can decide when they're ready.
    
    If you're the one who's hurting and you're asking, "Hasn't this
    gone on long enough?" chances are you're ready to start the healing
    process.  Get out into some low-intensity social situations, start
    to mingle, renew old friendships and make some new ones.  But don't
    rush yourself.  If the pain is still too strong, you need more healing.
    If the renewed social interactions feel good (well, at least better
    than staying home and hidden), try some more.  Set your own pace,
    and in time, you TOO will heal.
    
    In the meantime take comfort in the care and concern of the people
    around you who love you.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel,
    if you just keep plodding along.
    
    To all who are hurting, others have been there before.  That doesn't
    make the road any easier; it just makes the traveling companions more
    empathetic.
    
    Take care,
    Karen
                             

    re.14
    	I am confused.....
    	Why are you referring to the last few..... I think, and correct
    me if I am wrong, that only one reply made that statement about
    suicide. So why do you take exception to all the last few? I personally
    take exception to it myself. I know what that pain feels like. And
    when one is in a depression or otherwise hurting, they can not just
    pull themselves out of these kinds of feelings.
    	Maybe I am reading into your last reply, But I would like to
    know if you wrote this note to take exception to note 10, or did
    you have a problem with each of the last notes???
    curt
    

    Re .12, and others, I am the person who mentioned suicide.  It's
    pretty complicated.  The male acquaintance was actually my
    ex-boyfriend.  It's another ball game altogether to try to live
    with somebody, and love them, for a year, and still listen to them
    making comments such as, "I've lost everything I ever had.  I lost
    my wife, my house, my kids, and I have nothing left to lose."  Slowly,
    it dawns on you to wonder why you are trying to bring love,
    companionship, interesting conversation and good sex into somebody's
    life when all they can do is bitch and moan about what they've lost
    and make statements about how they now have nothing to lose.  I
    realized that I had made no impression on his life whatsoever, and
    that he would rather complain about spilled milk than make a
    constructive effort to get on with his life.  At least that's how
    it seemed to me.  I don't want anyone to *really* commit suicide,
    but what I can't tolerate is people who say they are miserable,
    and want to tell the rest of the world that they are miserable,
    but then when solutions are offered, say, no that wouldn't work.
     I think it's a waste of time for people to sit around feeling sorry
    for themselves for 30 or 40 yrs.  I think people should try to make
    the best of situations.  I feel there has to be a solution to
    everything, and in some ways, I feel that, yeah, if people can't
    make the most of their lives and try to be happy, then they may
    as well be dead as to sit around being miserable for the next 30
    or 40 years.  I don't blame somebody for acting very upset for 2
    or 3 months, but when someone still has to cry on someone's shoulder
    two years and two relationships after a divorce I get a little sick
    of it (especially when it's a situation where the man couldn't stand
    his wife anymore anyway!)  Sometimes I think some people are just
    determined to be unhappy.  I don't know what they expected out of
    life to make them so dissapointed and surprised by what they got.
    
    Anyway, .11, I have been on both sides of the fence.  I left my
    husband of 12 1/2 yrs. for another man.  I still loved and cared
    for my husband as a person and friend but the romance seemed long
    gone, and I met someone that I fell in love with.  Don't think I
    haven't been driving in my car alone and had some song, like "Angie"
    by the Stones or "The Best of My Love" by the Eagles, come on the
    radio, reminded me of my ex and made me start to cry, even tho I
    am the one who left.  It's a very confusing thing to know that you
    still love and care for someone to an extreme, but still want to
    be with someone else.  I consider myself to be very fortunate that
    my ex and I are still good friends and that when I divorced him
    I didn't lose him from my life altogether.  He'll always be one
    of my favorite people.
    
    From the other side of the fence, the person I left my husband for
    left me for another woman 2 1/2 yrs. later.  (Justice?  who knows?)
    It hurt more than anything else I've ever experienced in my life.
     I remember calling my closest girlfriend up from work, crying
    hysterically, and her just saying, "Come over.  Leave work and come
    over right away."  So, I had to leave work sick, and drove to her
    house and we just talked all day long, and finally I calmed down.
     I had to accept the fact that he didn't want to live with me anymore,
    and that he didn't love me romantically anymore.  What else could
    I do?  I couldn't force him, and I didn't want to be unhappy, and
    I didn't want to hate him.  So, somehow I dealt with it.  (I read
    a lot of poetry and listened to a lot of songs.)  I decided I could
    still have a happy life even if he didn't love me anymore.  I started
    enjoying myself with other people and forgetting about him for long
    stretches at a time.  And, now we're friends.  I still like him.
    He's one of the least boring people I've ever known.  At some point
    I realized I wasn't in love with him anymore.  We keep in touch.
     
    I am sympathetic but people can mourn relationships for just so
    long and then they owe it to themselves to move on.  There's a lot
    of people out there in the world, and there's no sense wasting time
    wallowing in self-pity for 2 or 3 years on end because one particular
    person doens't love us.  Life's too short.
    
    Just the way I feel based on my own experiences.
    
    Lorna
    

    Responding to .15 --
    
    I apologize for creating confusion over which notes I was responding
    to.  I am, as yet, an unsophisticated noter who neglected to keep
    a record of exactly which notes I was referring to.  To clear up
    that matter:
    
    -.10 suggested suicide was an option.  I disagree with this and
    still do, even after Lorna's subsequent explanation.  I, too, was 
    the one who voluntarily left a marriage of 15 years.  But three and 
    four years later I was still needing an occasional shoulder to cry on.
    I wore out several friends with my need to talk about the situation (and,
    frankly, I still wonder how good of friends they really were when
    they weren't able to even listen when I occasionally needed it).
    Furthermore I've since learned that 5 years is by no means outrageous
    before one is ready to get back into the mainstream of life -- whether
    we're talking about divorce or death, both losses considered by
    some psychologists to be of equal intensity.
    
    -.11 asked if two years wasn't long enough.  My answer is "not
    necessarily."  See my -.14 for elaboration.
    
    -.12 also addressed the suicide question, and I was merely adding
    my agreement to this noter's contention that friends don't recommend
    suicide to friends.
    
    -.13 again addressed the "time to be over this," issue with the
    comment "it's time for both to give up the guilt, sorrow, and anguish."
    I still believe that only the one who is suffering is able to tell
    when that time has come.
    
    I apologize for any confusion my original response caused.
    
    Karen
    

    Re: .16
    
    Lorna, thanks for opening your heart to us for something that must
    be painful for you.  I agree with you completely that no matter how
    badly you've been hurt, you're only killing yourself by insisting on
    reliving the sorrow every day.
    
    In a very real sense, my life ended some three and a half years ago.
    But a new life begun then, and after a period of struggle, I got
    on with it.  I remember the good, forget the bad, and look ahead,
    not back.
    
    Re: .17 (and others)
    
    I really don't think Lorna was actually suggesting suicide, but that
    she was saying that the person is in a sense killing themselves anyway.
    It is emotional suicide to hang on to a lost cause for so long.  I
    think her description of it as suicide was apt.
    
    				Steve
    

    re.16	
    	Yes. At times it seems people do carry their emotions, grief,
    etc. to the extreme. You (after reading your note) seem to be the
    type that can get on with life without dwelling on the past. I admire
    that. I think it is great that people are able to see through the
    emotional side of things, and carry on. 
    	But you do not seem to be able to forgive those that can not
    pull it all together immediately. When people are in depressions,etc.
    they are not in full control of their lives. Most that have had
    trauma in their life can not simply say "ok. I am hurt, but now
    I must be happy." It is not that easy. Some can deal with a death
    in the family without showing signs of depression, while others
    are devastated. It is the same with divorse or any other major
    upset in life. We can not put everyone in the same boat and think
    they will all paddle the same way.
    	One of the past replies stated that divorce is as devastating
    as death. I agree with that. When I sought a therapist, she insisted
    the pain was one and the same thing. 
    	
    re 17
    	No apology needed.... I just was a little confused... That happens
    when one reads more into statements than the owner intended to say.
    I just wanted a clearer understanding.... As you succeeded... Thanks.
    
    and finally.......(I will stop this needless dribble shortly>)
    
    re steve.
    	You have the ticket....< i remember the good, forget the bad,
                               < and look ahead, not back.
    
                                                         
    If we can all do the same this world world be a lot happier. I agree
    with you 100%. I now look upon my life that way. When I think
    about my past marriage, all I see is what happiness it brought into
    our worlds, and what I have learned. I now try to apply that to
    my current marriage in the attempt of making Barb the happiest woman
    alive. (I have a long way to go, but I am trying)
            
    	It takes a while to stop those feelings from entering your mind.
    But they go......You can wait till they go, or you can force them
    to go. You alone have to find which way is best. Some can do it
    on their own, some need therapist, some never grow. 

    The only thing that got me through the long months and years after
    my husband's death was something my grandmother told me when my
    grandfather died.  They had married late [late 20s] for their
    generation, and she bore 8 children and they worked side by side
    on their farm until the night he died.  
    
    She continued her life in almost the same pattern as before--I would
    often find her working and crying.  It broke my heart because I
    loved her deeply.  
    
    And when I asked her once how she kept going, she said that she
    knew the pain would pass if only she kept going forward and living
    as she would have had there been no cause for pain.  It didn't mean
    she ignored the pain---it just meant she kept living with faith
    in her ability to rise above it.

    That is probably the best thought I can add to some very good advice
    already given.  One just keeps on living the best they can, and
    eventually they find--without remembering just how it happened--that
    they are no longer going through the motions, but actually really
    living, and living contentedly within themselves once again.
    
    Letting go of anything one cares for---a relationship, a marriage,
    a prized and loved possession---is a *loss*.   And it is in most
    of us, by nature, to want to keep what we are most comfortable with,
    and makes us most happy.   But when you think about all the things
    you once lost and grieved for, and then got over.
    
    Would you want it back?  And would you give up who you are now and
    what you have so that you could have it back?  
    
    M
     
    
    
    
    

    Re .20, I think those are really "words of wisdom" from your
    grandmother.  My mother dealt with my father's death in a similar
    way.  My parents had been very happily married for 37 years when
    my father died of a heart attack 12 yrs. ago.  My parents were so
    attached to each other (they had spent every day together since
    he had retired 13 yrs. earlier & really enjoyed each other's company)
    that I was afraid she would really lose it when he died.  I was
    afraid she would have a nervous breakdown or go into a bad depression
    or something.  But, she continued on with her life and learned to
    laugh and be happy again.  She lived as a widow for 10 years until
    she got very sick and had to go to a nursing home.  (She actually
    thought of remarrying at one point, but then decided that after
    hearing of so many unhappy marriages, that she was so lucky to have
    been happily married for 37 years that she would leave well enough
    alone, and stay single.  She was afraid the odds were against her
    being that happy the 2nd time!)
    
    I think it helps for people to have something that they can keep
    doing.  My mother owned her own house and 5 acres of land and was
    able to continue having her vegetable and flower gardens and taking
    care of her yard which she really enjoyed.  I think it really helps
    for people to have interests and hobbies that they can enjoy no
    matter who else is in their life or not in their life.  
    
    By the time my grandfather (my mother's father) died at the age
    of 80, he had lost his parents, his wife, 3 of his 5 children (one
    in a war), and his favorite brother, with whom he had run an apple
    farm for years.  But, I remember him as one of the most positive,
    active and happy people I've ever known.  I've wondered sometimes
    how he stayed so happy and positive after losing so many people
    that he loved.  I can only conclude that it's a combination of his
    attitude towards life and the fact that he just had *so many* things
    that he liked to do.  He was always busy - gardening, playing musical
    instruments, reading, collecting, writing, and traveling, and he
    had tons of friends.  He really enjoyed life.  I wish I could be
    as positive as him, but I know I'm not really.  I think he must
    have viewed life as such an interesting, exciting experience, that
    when something bad happened, maybe he was just thankful that he
    had had that person as long as he did, instead of concentrating
    on the loss aspect.  
    
    I also know that several months before my father died, he told me
    that he had told my mother that he knew he was going to die first,
    and that the last thing he wanted was to die thinking that she was
    never going to be happy again.  He told me that he wanted her to
    be happy and enjoy life even after he was gone.
    
    Lorna
     

I followed this discussion, and would like to inject a few words.
    
    1.  I learned one lesson, when my father died years ago (I was close
    to him more than any other relative):
    
    " there is nothing irreparable and irrevocable in life other than
    death" (and some major healt problems).
    
    2.  Lesson No 2:
    In case of a breakup of a relationship with concommitant feelings
    of rejection: 
    "the rejector (he or she) has a right of choice.  If he/she doesn't
    want me, what can I do? Tie her with a ball and chain?  And even
    if I could do that, would I be satisfied?  Or, let's reverse the
    argument (to the basenoter):  if she chooses not to be with you,
    that does not mean you are no good, but only not good enough for
    her needs;  therefore, you two better stay apart!"
    
    3.  Lesson No 3:
    All advices (incl. mine) may be very helpful, since they were given
    with compassion and out of our real life experiences.  They are
    NOT however recipees of instant-happiness.
    "How do you eat an elephant?
     A bite-at-a-time."
    
    TIME and perseverance heal the hurt from loss (that is, I, and I
    suppose all other friends here, grant you that the loss and the
    rejection hurt a lot, as they have hurt me in my life).  The recipees
    given here should not be interpreted as if we're saying: "Hey! get
    up, forget her and carry on!".  I would suggest the tecnique of
    "a-bite-a-day", such as summing up your day (or starting it) with
    a reflection on the POSITIVE things that happened to you the day
    before or may happen later.  Look for positive things during your
    day and surprise yourself with how many there are...instead of
    ruminating only on what a loss you've incurred lately.
    
    Hector