Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    While I was married I found out that my wife had been sleeping
    activly with a guy she went to college with(she in OH me in CO)
    while we were engaged. I honestly can say now that I never felt
    the same way about her after that but felt like I still loved her.
    Later I came to find that she was sleeping with others while we
    were married(caught her in bed!). After our divorce one of my best
    friends(while drunk and feeling low) confessed to also having been
    with her.
    It hurt me deep and I still have a difficult time trusting the women
    that I'm dating. I know that not every woman is like that but I still
    have a hard time getting to a point where I feel secure in the
    relationship. I know this is some of my own insecurity and that
    I have to deal with it and I can most of the time. The problem was
    hers but it left it's scar which will take time to fade.
    
    I hope you're able to rebuild your trust in your relationship
    it's tough but can be achieved.
    
    -jerry
    

    	I was married for five + years when I found out my (now EX) wife
    partook of an extramarital relationship. It did take it's toll on both
    of us. So much that we finally divorsed.( A long story which I
    will not get into here)
    	The one thing that broke in me was my ability to trust people.
    And I do mean people....I thought everyone was unfaithful... But
    I am now married to a very special woman. By her support I realise
    that non trusting attitude is solely in my own head. 
    	We are the only ones that can change the way we look at things.
    We can choose to go around doubting the world or we can start believing
    in people again. Yes it is hard. (I still have some very difficult
    time of distrust) but I am working on it daily. 
    	I just feel that those of us that do have a hard time trusting must push
    to believe again. It is the foundation of a strong relationship.
    (in my eyes only) People we are involved with can tell us they are
    faithful, that they care, but unless we have that trust inside of
    us, we will tend not to believe. 	
    	I feel each of us (in our lifetime) have done things that have
    hurt others. We were lucky that they forgave us. We (Those that
    feel they can not trust) must do the same to those we care about.
    	

    	Somehow you have to erase the doubt she has caused. I assume
    that alot more discussion went into the conversation when you
    discovered she had had an affair. I would hope that you asked as
    many questions as possible. It's apparent in your note that the
    questions you asked didn't satisfy your needs.
    	We don't how she reacted to being found out. Was she defensive?
    angry? embarrassed? Did she just say, "it was 5 years ago, forget
    it! I don't want to discuss it!"? Or did she explain how it began,
    why she looked to someone else, or what she felt you were not giving
    her?
    	It seems that you are very worried about her being in a
    predominantly male work environment. Is it office, manufacturing
    or what?? Is she a flirt? Is she so good looking that she makes
    you feel insecure?? Does she like being around men more than women?
    	You should talk it out with her w/o the kids around and tell
    her that you feel insecure still. Maybe a visit to EAP can help.
    
    Ken

One thing that might help is to break down your trust/distrust into different
areas.  Instead of thinking 'I can't trust anyone for anything', try to think of
who you can trust for what, specifically.  You may find that there are a lot of
ways in which the people in your life *are* trustworthy.  Then, you might try to
decide what things it is important for you to have trust in people for, what's
important to you and what is not.

Jim.

    It's hard not to generalize.  When I found out, I couldn't trust
    anyone or anything (including my dog, my family, and myself.). 
    It could have been the people involved that caused me to distrust
    so much.   I'm still having a hard time with relationships and trusting
    them.  I build walls to protect myself.
    
    	I think its great to be able to forgive but only a fool will
    forget.  I still love my ex-fiance.  I don't however respect or
    trust her.  I'm willing to try and rebuild it, but I am not going
    to any great deal of effort into it.  I'm just going to be open
    to observe her actions and feelings.  If she really changes then
    maybe, but I will still never forget what has happened.  If I did
    and it happened again, It would cut even deeper.  If didn't forget
    I would be prepared for it and anticipate my feelings.
    
    Bill
    
    (P.S.   FYI  I'm having dinner with her on Sunday.)

    Re .4
    
    I'm also having a lot of trouble trusting people, in general.  But
    there are ways in which I can trust most people.  For example, I trust
    that the guy in the next cube isn't going to come over here and shoot
    me.  I also trust my co-workers to help with projects in appropriate
    ways.  Where I draw the line is trusting anyone with my deep emotions.
    I trusted my ex, and all it got me was a short marriage with an
    angrier-than-necessary ending, some of the private things I told him
    broadcast to many of my friends, other fears thrown into my face, and
    absolutely nothing to show for it.  It is extremely difficult to let
    anyone into anything really important. 
    
    Should I work on developing trust?  I don't know.  It's supposed to be
    a good thing, but I was working on trusting people when I met my
    ex-husband and when I gave him access to my feelings.  I think it was
    much safer to not trust.  For now, I want to just not-trust most people
    beyond the bounds of societal requirements. Someday, I may change my
    mind, and want to trust again, but the thought of letting that happen
    again is frightening. 
    
    Elizabeth

    I have been married for 28 yrs., and don't think that there has
    been any "cheating", but through my participation in Emotions
    Anonymous, I hear from so many people whose emotions are in disarray
    because a loved one has violated their trust - as a result, they
    build defenses to protect themselves, and in the process cut themselves
    off from the possibility of meaningful relationships.
    
    	The instinct to defend one's self is natural, but must be used
    wisely, not abused. There are people in this world who can be trusted
    to maintain trust in a good relationship - you will never find them
    if you shut it all down.
    
    	Learn from the experience - be more selective in choosing one
    to share your inner self with, a little more cautious, but don't
    just shut it all off - loneliness stinks.
    
    	Best wishes for future serenity ...
    
    			Guy B.