| What options do you see, Kate, and, more importantly, how do
*you* feel about them? I can't say what you should or shouldn't
do; I've been in analogous situations, but what I did and didn't
do was based on how *I* felt about things and how I wanted them
to turn out. I'd be a bit wary of declarations that begin
"Well, Kate, I was in an identical situation and you should. . ."
I think the flaw in that suggestion is that the speaker *wasn't* in
an identical situation. . .(s)he wasn't you (nor living your life).
Maybe one good question to ask yourself, and talk over with your
husband is, "How would I like to see our relationships in the
future?" Offhand, it sounds to me as if part of your problem
here is that the situation feels unresolved; it sounds like you'd
like to do something but aren't sure which is the "right" something.
Talking it over might help clarify the issues and the alternative
resolutions.
Then too, I have a hunch that a few people in this conference can
offer some ideas and perspectives from the outside that might be
tough to see from the inside; these also may be good fodder for
thought and conversation with your husband.
From my own similar experiences, I'd offer this thought: your friend
does indeed sound lonely, but that's something over which you all
have very little control. What you *can* do (again, if it feels
like a fit to you) is let him know clearly what "friendship" means
to you - in the game model, you can let him know what your rules are
and what the consequences are when those rules are broken.
From your note, it sounds as if ignoring him isn't comfortable for
you (a least-desired outcome?); to ignore him is to leave the
wound unattended and it cannot close, heal, and, in time, have
the scar tissue become smaller. This suggests that some sort
of discussion with him would be a better direction, but just what
the exact path is ("civil", "heated", direct, indirect, alone,
with your husband) is something I cannot know for you.
Now, just to be self-contradictory, there is one thing I think
you "should" do. . .I think you should trust yourself - have
faith that you'll reach the right course of action. You care
enough about this to seek guidance and the experiences of others
in finding your "right" answer.
Steve
|
| Kate.... lets look at this sorta line by line....
<<< QUARK::DISK$QUARK2:[NOTES$LIBRARY]HUMAN_RELATIONS.NOTE;1 >>>
-< What's all this fuss about 'sax and violins'? >-
================================================================================
Note 677.0 Old Friend-Ex Friend 2 replies
USEM::DONOVAN 27 lines 8-FEB-1989 09:53
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
� I am in a very uncomfortable situation with an ex-friend. This guy
� who was supposedly my best friend let me dowm when I needed him
� most. Also he has interfered with my marriage in an indirect way
� by constantly calling my husband and asking him to go out when my
� husband should be spending more time with me and the kids. I know
� my husband has his own mind but this guy calls and nags every night.
He let you down when you needed him the most. How did he let you down? By
making a pass at you?... You say you needed him the most, but then the
rest of your topic doesn't support how you needed him, in fact it makes it
sound like you NEVER needed him.
Where is your communication? You say he has interfered in your marriage,
I say you are the one interfering. If you didn't want him calling, then
it was up to you to say something to your husband. If your marriage was
what it should be, (I'm not saying it isn't, BTW), then your husband
wouldn't want to have this guy calling and nagging him to go out
every night. Both of you seem to have a communication problem, that may
even be a symptom of more serious underlying problems.
� I loved him, trusted him and even had him be godfather to my first
� born.
Okay, well at least to have done this, than this means that the
relationship between the three of you should have been very close, very
trusting, that you would want to have this man raise your kids if you and
your husband should both pass away. Did this happen before or after the
pass (he becoming a Godfather)
� Well, to make this part of a long story short, I told my hus-
� band about a momentary indescretion where my friend made a verbal
� pass at me. Of course I refused. He is terribly homely.(no stretch
� of the imagination) He did it out of lonelyness and I forgave him
� but one night out of anger I told my husband. He confronted our
� friend and he denied it. My husband forgave this guy but it left
a scar on our relationship that will last forever.
Question: Why did you wait to do this in a "fit of anger"... If this
pass happened, why didn't you deal with it right then and there? If you
were going to tell your husband about it at all, did you expect your friend
to say, sure, I want to make love to your wife? Why didn't you confront the
pass when it was made?... Why did you not lay down ground rules at the time?
I was extremely angered at your line(s) about him being homely and lonely,
and unpopular. Isn't it quite shallow of you to take a person's looks, and
not see the good inside?... Why does looks have anything to do with it?
If this friend can be important to you, despite what you feel are his
looks, then can't he be friends with others too?
� Since this guy still comes to my house on occasion should I try
� to be civil? Should I ignore the issue or directly confront him
� or what? I don't really blame him. He's such a lonely and unpopular
� guy. It's been 2 years now. (sounds like N.E.Telephone Commercial)
I think you need to more than civil. I think you need to sit down with him
and talk to him, explain how you feel, why you feel that way, and work
through your issues. I also think you and your husband might need some
counseling on how to communicate better, and to take an inner look at what
is happening in your marriage. I think you also need to look at yourself
more. Were you guilty of any misread situations? If yes, then you need to
look at why, if no, then you need to be more understanding towards why this
guy felt he had to make the pass at you...
� Has anyone been in a similar situation?
I was once. My husband was overseas, with the military, and a friend he
had asked to sorta watch over me and the kids, one evening, attempted to kiss
me, and asked me if I was "lonely" without my husband. I politely told Dan
that I was flattered that he thought enough of me to want to kiss me, and
to take me to bed, however, that I was disappointed in him as a human being
for not respecting me or my marriage vows to Paul. I told him that I
thought he needed to re-evaluate why he thought he had to come on to me,
especially since I had given him no cause to. I also told him that I would
forget the incident, however, if it came up again, I would notify my
husband and his (Dans') commander. He later apologized, and that was the end
of it. I saw no reason to ruin his and Paul's friendship over what turned
out to be a bad sense of whatever. Even to this day, Paul has never known,
Dan and I have lost touch, since the divorce, but I think I gained more
respect in Dan's eyes that day, because of the way I handled the situation.
I think everyone is entitled to make some mistakes when they are growing
up, (we never grow up, we just get older and wiser), to hold a grudge
forever is not healthy for you. Realize that this was a mistake, deal with
it, and allow yourself to grown more.
|
| Re the "homely" comment: _My_ first reaction on reading it was that the
author of .0 was stating a reason why she did not accept his pass. In
that sense, it would be rather dubious thing to say, implying that if
he'd been better-looking she might have taken him up on it.
If, however, she was *not* describing his appearance by way of
justifying her refusal, but instead was mentioning it as a possible
explanation for why he might be lonely enough to proposition a friend's
wife, it doesn't seem quite so crude. (Whether he really *is* "homely
and unpopular" shouldn't be under discussion, I think, and isn't
relevant to the problem. The way the author of .0 percieves him is much
more relevant, and since she's met him and we haven't it seems a bit
rough to tell her she's being rude and unfair...)
As for the whole situation, I think the first couple of replies were
pretty sound advice. Sounds like more hostility here than one
provocative remark should generate...
-b
|