Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    From his erratic behavior, it sounds like he might be confused himself.
    There's no "sure way" to do anything, but a suggestion or two:
    
    Tell him that you're confused by the variations in his behavior;
    you don't understand why he sometimes seems remote.  Focus on the
    behavior rather than the emotions behind it.  I know, it's kind
    of odd to address the symptoms rather than the cause.  But if he's
    having trouble dealing with the cause, he might not respond well
    to having it brought up.  Let *him* be the first to broach that
    subject.  It might not have anything at all to do with you.  So
    keep it simple:  I've noticed you act differently, I'm confused
    and a little worried, I hope things are okay, would you like to
    talk about it?

    � How do I approach a conversation with him on this topic without
    � making him feel that I'm pressuring him into a committment? 
    
    Perhaps it can't be done.  By that, I mean that whether he feels
    pressured or not may be something completely out of your control.
    This isn't to say that you can't do what's in your power to lower
    the stress level (f'rinstance, I'd advise against holding him at
    gunpoint while having the conversation).  Seriously though, if
    he is feeling some sort of ambivalence (and it sounds like it
    from your description), I think that a certain level of stress 
    is almost unavoidable - just the nature of the beast.  Just because
    it's "good" (successful, has the desired outcome, whatever), doesn't
    mean that communication is *easy*. . .
    
    However, I think it's important that you let him know what's going
    on for you; this is something that's in need of resolution for
    you and, while there are times for keeping silent, this doesn't
    sound like one of them to me.
    
    Offhand, I can think of only a few things that might help your
    process.  The first would be to do some thinking about your
    timetables.  You're ready to make a committment, but what does
    that mean in concrete times and actions.  
    
    For example, do you have a strong need to get married, say, by 
    next Wednesday?  By a month from Wednesday?  A year?  Married at 
    all?  One of the problems couples often have with "Commitment" is 
    that when each  says "I'm truly committed to you", they mean different 
    things and each assumes that the other's definition is the same
    as their own.
    
    What I'm really driving at is that it may help a good deal to know
    when you need to feel "resolution".  I'd hazard a guess that just
    talking and letting him know of your uncertainties and discomfort
    will help the unresolved feelings.  After all, by talking it over
    you're taking a step towards resolution.
    
    On another tack, I find that when approaching a difficult conversation,
    it helps to avoid ultimatums.  "We have to get such-and-such settled
    NOW!" is the kind of approach that gets me to looking at the door;
    "Can we sit for a while and talk over something that I'm having
    some trouble with?" is the kind of phrasing that may make it hard
    for you to get rid of me.  The point is simply that, where possible,
    it may help to leave doors (options) open. . .like, "Hey, we don't
    have to settle all of this tonight, but I needed to at least get
    my feelings out before they hurt me (and us) further."
    
    Finally, after all this rambling, it's a little ironic that I think 
    you may already have your solution in hand.  Is there any reason why you
    shouldn't give him the text of .0?  From where I sit, it clearly
    states your thoughts and feelings in non-threatening language.
    And it doesn't demand that he reply - I think he will, but you
    haven't backed him into a reply-or-else position.  (Not yet, at
    least; there's plenty of time down the road for that if it becomes
    necessary.)
    
    Major caveat:  do none of the above if it doesn't "fit"; if your
    gut tells you "this isn't me/my style", don't do it.  But definitely
    do trust yourself to find your own best path - the facts indicate
    that you're worth the trust:  you're here taking the time to ask
    for help and that alone tells me that you've already started doing
    what's right for you.
    
    Steve

    You said that you met this man in mid-November of 88.  This is
    Feb. 1.  He was ending a relationship at the mid-November point
    and apparently, in his mind, you were the catalyst for its ending
    quickly.
    
    Although that relationship may have been ended, and he may have
    wanted it over with, there is generally a period of time at the
    end of any intimate connection where one needs to get one's bearings
    and put the past into perspective before one can fully enter into
    getting on with one's life.
    
    He may need longer than a few months to do this.  And although he
    does enjoy this new connection with you, he is very likely still
    dealing with the residue of feelings and emotions the past relationship
    engendered.    
    
    IMHO, love grows best when given time and space while working on
    being friends as well as intimates.
    
    M
      
    
      
    
    
     

"How do I approach a conversation with him on this topic without making him feel
that I'm pressuring him into a committment? How do I tell him how I feel about
him without scaring him death?"

How about something like this... 'I'd really like to know how you feel about X
(commitment & you?).  It's alright for you to be confused, but maybe it would
help sort things out if you talk about it.  You don't have to talk to me, and it
doesn't have to be now, but I'm really interested, and I'd like to be supportive
of whatever you decide is best for you.  I'm not asking for any promises, but
I'd like to know where you stand, and where I stand, whereever that may be.'

Jim. 

    Does he tell you that he loves you? Does he do it often? 
    Those are important questions to be answered. His ambivalence stems
    from the last relationship, I'm sure. There's also the question
    of him being ready to committ again. 
    
    Sometimes men need time to evaluate what they are doing. Most men fall
    in love real quick, they need a woman very much. Of course nowadays,
    that emotional dependencie can shatter at anytime and that is something
    a man does not want to have to face after a failed marriage.
                                             
    So...some men must step back now and again to look at the relationship
    and where its going. When you're in real close and it feels real
    good, it sometimes hard to look at things objectively.
                                                                  
    If I were you, I would give him his space and not worry. You'll
    know if he's 'not with you'. Thats tough I know for you, but it
    may be the way he wants you to react.
                
    
    	-steve C.
                

    I hope I can help you a little here as last summer I was in the
    same position as your "freind" is now.  Up until last May I had
    been in a relationship that was winding down, coming to an end and
    I met this wonderful guy and he was actually "the" reason I finally
    broke things off, mainly because I knew that being attracted to
    him meant that I had no right to remain in the relationship I had
    been trying so hard to make "right".  So, I did break things off
    and began dating Dan.  At first things went along wonderfully, you
    know, the infatuation and getting to know all about him, but after
    about a month, I found myself in a confused state of mind and couldn't
    make an absolute commitment to Dan.  Dan had let me know straight
    out after about a month how he felt about me and I had to be honest
    in telling him that I wasn't sure of exactly how I felt and whether
    I could make any kind of a commitment.  
    
    As the summer progressed, I saw less of Dan, dated once a week or
    so and gave myself time for "me".  I took this time and focused
    on all the things that had gone wrong in the passed relationship
    and I had to be sure in my own mind that I had done the right thing.
    I ended up meeting up with my "X" and we talked for the longest
    time about the relationship and were able to resolve a lot of
    unanswered questions about "us".  In the end, we both knew it had
    been the right thing to do and are now friends.  I was lucky that
    he was mature enough to handle the situation without any emotional
    blackmail and things.  
    
    In the meantime, Dan was well aware of my state of mind.  I kept
    him informed of how I was feeling and didn't lead him blindly. 
    He knew that I may not be ready to make any kind of commitment for
    a long time.  Well, fortunately for me, Dan waiting patiently and
    never pushed or begged.  He too was very mature about the situation
    and knew that he couldn't "make" me fall in love with him.  His
    patients payed off.  By the end of September I found myself falling
    in love with him - being free of all the things that fogged my mind
    with my "X" I was able to focus more on Dan and today we are engaged
    to be married this coming September.
    
    A success story for me.  But let me point out that Dan being honest
    with _me_ about the way _he_ felt, and _me_ being honest with him,
    was the key to the success of the situation and it's outcome.  
    I took an awful risk of losing Dan, but if I hadn't taken that time
    for myself, I never would have been as sure as I am today about
    us. 
     
    I hope I have helped.
    
   

    Hey, when the time comes you will both know it.  Right now, he 
    is just probably a little gun shy of commitment.  Just keep looking
    for signs on how the relationship is going,  most of the time you
    can feel if things aren't right.   If you ever feel that they aren't
    confront him and talk about it.  Don't rush, you'll be sorry you
    did...
    
    Bill

    
    	All the previous replies are excellent.  May I suggest a
    	book that has done wonders for me?  It's called
    
    		A Fine Romance
    
    	It answers all of your questions and more!
    
    	
    	Good luck!
    
    		Sherry

>        	All the previous replies are excellent.  May I suggest a
>    	book that has done wonders for me?  It's called
>    
>    		A Fine Romance

    who wrote and published this book?  Any idea whether it's available
    in the UK?
    
    jenny

    Re: .9
    
    The book is by Dr. Judith Sills.  I don't know if it's available
    in the UK.
    
    			Steve