Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Valuing Differences 
    
    Being tolerant enough to realize that life is not at its best
    with a tunnel-vision attitude.  Just because someone else's
    opinion is different or has been arrived at in a different manner
    doesn't necessarily make it less valid or wrong.
    
    Helaine

    
    Here's one more:
    
    If your upset, angry, or disapointed with someone:
    	Be calm,
    	Tell them specifically what or why you are upset,
    	Then get over it!  Move on to fixing whatever or
    	helping those involved.
    
    Emotions are a wonderful thing to share, provided they are open,
    sincere, and non-hostile!  Hate and anger are reactions that are
    better left behind in human relations.
    
    another Yen, john

Ways I like to better human relations:

1)	Be honest and to-the-point with people.

	An example from my life recently...   I met a nice woman last
	Friday evening.  We discovered we both worked for Digital.  So,
	on Monday I sent her a computer mail message, something like
	(this is a bit abridged):

		Hi.  I hope the rest of your weekend was good.
		I really enjoyed meeting you Friday evening, and found
		myself thinking of you several times over the weekend.
		I would like to see you again soon, if you're interested.
		May I call you at home ?

	I discovered, as we communicated via more mail messages, that
	she enjoyed meeting me too but is "sort of seeing someone", although
	not completely exclusively.

	Through more discussion, we decided we'd like to get together
	for something casual, such as hiking, lunch, etc.

	My suspicion is that if I had taken what has often been my
	usual approach, I would have looked her up in the phone book,
	or called "information", then called her up and invited her
	out to dinner or a show.  She probably would have said "thanks,
	but I must tell you that I'm seeing someone, so maybe another
	time".

	And that could well have been the end of the conversation.

	I'm not sure what prompted me to take the other approach, maybe
	it's just that I felt comfortable, but I'm convinced now that
	it's good that I did, it might lead to a friendship that perhaps
	never would have gotten off the ground the other way.

	What I'm saying is, sometimes it works better to say

		"I enjoyed meeting you and would like to see you again"

	instead of skipping the details and moving right in on

		"I was wondering if you'd like to go with me to..."

/Eric

    re - .3
    
    i.e. - Keep it short and to the point?
    
    I agree!
    
    :-)
    
    Carol
    

    I can't believe that there are 5 replies to one of rik's topics,
    and all are constructive, and all are sticking to the point!  Sounds
    like the Human_Relations noters are setting a new high in Humanness!
    ;')
    
    How about that old maxim "Treat everyone as You would have them
    treat You?"  
    
    Or another Oldie But Goodie about "walking a mile in another's shoes?"
    (If someone could provide the exact quote, this middle-aged man
    quickly approaching senility would appreciate it!)
    
    And maybe Jim is right.  Maybe we DID learn all this in kindergarten
    (unless we're from New Hampshire - WE Have no Kindergarten!)  But
    maybe I'm not the only one becoming senile.  We may ALL be forgetting
    the lessons we have learned regarding how to live in harmony.
    
    Jack

    I believe giving compliments is good human relating.  I know I like
    receiving them if sincere.  I catch myself thinking "He/she looks
    really nice today" but never saying it.  Why not, I don't know,
    guess I need to improve on my humam relation.  I'm trying!!
    
    Sandie                                                   
    

    Just learn to listen. Listen with your ears and your heart. Don't
    hear what you want to or expect to hear. If you don't understand
    dont assume. Say "I don't understand but I'd like to."
    
    

    RE: .8
    
    I'd like to second that. Great advice!
    
    					Hank

"< Note 668.5 by YODA::BARANSKI "Appearance? Or Substance?" >"

"-< all you ever needed you learned in kindergarten >-"

This is what I was talking about!

        <<< QUARK::DISK$QUARK2:[NOTES$LIBRARY]HUMAN_RELATIONS.NOTE;1 >>>
               -< What's all this fuss about 'sax and violins'? >-
================================================================================
Note 305.0     Everything I need to know I learned in Kindergarten       1 reply
TONTO::EARLY "Bob Early CSS/NSG"                     53 lines   8-MAY-1987 13:58
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This came to me by a lovely secretary, and I tought you might like it,too.
Bob


                   ALL I EVER REALLY NEEDED TO KNOW
                       I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN

                           BY Robert Flughum
                          Seattle, Washington


Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to
be, I learned in kindergarten.  Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school
mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school. 

These are the things I learned:  Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people.
Put things back where you found them.  Clean up your own mess.  Don't take
things that aren't yours.  Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.  Wash your
hands before you eat.  Flush.  Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life.  Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and
dance and play and work every day some. 

Take a nap every afternoon.  When you go out into the world, watch for traffic,
hold hands, and stick together.  Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in
the plastic cup.  The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really
knows how or why, but we are all like that. 

Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup
- they all die.  So do we. 

And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you learned,
the biggest word of all: LOOK.  Everything you need to know is in there
somewhere.  The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation.  Ecology and politics
and sane living. 

Think of what a better world it would be if we all - the whole world - had
cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our
blankets for a nap.  Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other nations
to always put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own messes.
And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world,
it is best to hold hands and stick together. 


(Note:  The KANSAS CITY TIMES printed ths kindergarten piece in an issue last
September.  Since that time the author has received and granted every one of the
over 1,000 request to reprint it.  We understand why.) 

                  
    
    	Positive HR begins with thinking in positive context. It's a
    matter of seeing the "good side" of all_things instead of the bad.
    It's embodied in an affirming attitude toward others - affirming
    whatever good you see in them in a positive way. 
    
    	This results in another feeling validity. Just about the best
    feeling you could possibly give to another person! Quite the opposite of 
    feeling "abandoned" or like "no one cares" or like "no one ever listens
    to my perception or how I might see it"
    
    	I'm personally under the impression that "proper ettiquette" in noting
    (and mail messages) is that, if an effort is made, it deserves an
    explicit affirmation, oh, from at least one person. The reason for
    this is that *people's* efforts could stand some *respect* from others
    in_this_world. An entry is likely representative of someone's *self*
    and there's no such feeling that competes with that of invisibility;
    I talk and no one listens...no one's ever *listened*.
    
    	Seems that affirmation and validation are the exception in general
    Human Relations. Yet, for positive HR, they are as necessary as
    the air you breathe.
    
    	Joe Jas 

    
    i think it's nice that at least 11 people replied with very nice
    words of wisdom....
        
however....
    i think it's sad that hundreds of people can find ways to tell me
    what a jerk i am....
    but only 11 people can think of ways to strengthen positive human
    relations....
    
    rik.....(who had a suspicion that this might be the case...)
    

    For starters, I agree very strongly with those who've indicated
    that listening is a critically underused activity; I personally
    agree that listening should be an active endeavor�.  Occasionally,
    I've disagreed with a noter's conclusion or logic only to have
    the noter reply that I'd called her/him a jerk or other pejorative
    term. . .
    
    Steve
    
    � Furthermore, radical that I am, I think the major activity ought
      to be trying to discover what the writer/speaker means by her/his
      words (vs. what *I* mean when I use the same words)
    

    .14 - Steve, you've hit the nail on the head!  When I think of
    the many arguements Jim and I have had at home, the majority
    come from misunderstandings or misinterpretations.  So, I would
    put establishing a common ground, and continually enlarging that
    ground, as number 1 in human relations.  It does no good to
    listen if you don't understand what's being expressed.
    
    (now, Steve, is that what you really meant?  ;-))
    
    --Louise

    
   RE: .15 and others
    
    I've posted the same comment in other replies because it clears
    a point of communication.
    
    Opinions:
    The speaker has a obligation to explain clearly and in as concise
    a fashion as possible _THEIR_ idea/view.
    
    The listener must endevor to understand the idea communicated.
    The listener must also RESPECT the fact that the idea presented
    belongs (a feeling of ownership) to the speaker.  The speaker is
    in that case sharing an idea or view that is PRIVATE (meaning they
    feel it is theirs or they are resposable for that view). 

    With those ideas laid down realize that ideas that conflict with
    personal values are likely to be rejected.  It's ok to say you
    disagree or dislike that idea/view.  Remember the idea is PRIVATE
    property and your there by invitation (either explicit or implied),
    respect your host.  The above is applied both to the listener and 
    the speaker.  I used speaker/listener over writer/reader as the
    spoken work is more subject to error of application (I said vs I
    ment) and there is no replay without error in that case.
    
    I'll close with, people react to how it is said faster then what
    was said.  The reaction will last longer than the meaning.
    
    another Yen in the pot, john
    

    re: communication (particularly in NOTES)
    
    From the (read: my) "Amen and Say It Again, Brothers and Sisters"
    Dept:
    
    from John's (.16)
    
    � The speaker has a obligation to explain clearly and in as concise
    � a fashion as possible. . .
    
    Which is why I've occasionally been moved to argue (ad nauseum)
    that helping each other learn the language (i.e. grammar, syntax,
    word definitions, and all that junk), can actually help communications.
    
    Steve
    
    

    re .0
    
    How to better human relations?  I have recently been working on
    the "Do the right thing" principle. I'd read this in one of the 'DEC
    culture' topics and find it to be a universally useful policy.
    
    When deciding on how to act/behave toward someone/something, think
    to your self -  Am I doing the right thing? After all, you know what
    that is, but might not always do the right thing. Well, "close enough"
    just doesn't cut it.
    
	Gail
    
    

    Recently I came across this one (and am still mulling over my reactions
    to it.  In other words, I'm not sure I completely agree with it):
    
    The Golden Rule:
    Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
    
    The Sterling Rule:
    Do (say) unto others as they would have you do (say) unto them.
    
    Karen

    
    
    re: .13
    what conclusions...
    well, i can only imagine what your conclusion is, mike....:-)
    i'm sure that it's not a pleasant one for me....:-)
    
    i haven't drawn any conclusions that i would bet on....
    but...
    possible conclusions;
    1.  many noters, who don't know me, and who would probably like
    me had we met and spoken, think i'm a jerk. however...they are
    wrong....and...i don't think they are jerks....just a little
    hasty in judging others...
    
    2.  it's easier for people to think of negative things than to
    think of positive things?
    
    3. mike z. doesn't like me and goes out of his way to prove it?
    :-)
    
    would you care to share your conclusions with us, mike?
    
    xoxox
    rik
    

    
    
    don't know if i mentioned this one earlier...
    
    anger!
    it seems to me...i think....i feel....in my opinion...(am i covered?)
    far too many people get ANGRY (and nasty and rude) far too easy!!!!
    (yes...i still fall prey to this...BUT I"M BETTER!!!...)
    (and will send an apology to gail immediately!)
    
    and in most cases, in my opinion, it seems to me, i think..etc...
    it's over an issue that was just not worth the anger....
    
    i see it all the time when i watch t.v. with my kids...
    someone breaks a rule (usually some silly illogical rule) and
    the someone else MUST get angry and the culprit MUST be punished!
    
    i started off by pointing this out to my kids nearly every time
    we saw it (and we saw it ALOT!!!!!) and now we all do it...
    and laugh about it....
    	"uh!...he's ANGRY!!!!...ok.....we gotta punish some one!!!!
    it doesn't sound funny here but , at home, live and in color, it's
    rather cute.....