Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    This is certainly a difficult thing to do emotionally.  However
    once you do it you may feel somewhat better.  The most difficult
    part is often the anxiety we build up over what the other persons
    reaction will be, how we will deal with the pleading and empty
    promises, and the natural fear of the unknown.  It sounds as though
    you have thought everything through and there is no doubt in your
    mind about saving the relationship.  Therefore you owe it to yourself
    to follow through on your convictions because you will only continue
    to make yourself unhappy if you do not.  Remember the pain of ending
    a relationship is acute at the time it actually happens but as time
    goes on the wound heals and the pain goes away.  The pain of staying
    in a hopelessly unrewarding relationship may not be as sharp but
    it continues to linger without end and is in this way more damaging
    and harsh.
    
    Regarding your other problem of having limited worldy necessities
    and money, and no close friends or relatives in the area perhaps
    you could either, as you suggest rent a room or move in with someone
    looking for a roomate that already has the things like dishes, towels,
    etc.  You would probably have to get a bed but you may be able to
    pick up a second hand one fairly inexpensively.  Check the DTW for
    one source of both possible roomates and a bed.  You should view
    either of these steps as an iterim step and take some time to catch
    your breath and relax before you plan where you would ulitmately
    live and you can use the time to save some money toward obtaining
    the worldy items necessary.
    
    Good luck to you and may you have the courage of your convictions.
    
    tom

    Whether you are aware of it or not, you have planned well for your
    upcoming journey. I don't think you need advice, though.  I think
    you just need someone to "bounce" your ideas off of.....wh/ is a
    common method people use to feel a sense of security when they are
    facing a difficult situation.
    
    1. Stick it out through the holidays...what's one more week or two?
    2. End the relationship.  Plain and simple.  You are not being fair
    to yourself or the other person.  Be sure to stick to your decision,
    too.  Give an honest explanation - a false explanation is better
    than none at all.
    3.  Start looking for an apartment NOW....look around for a fouton
    for bedding if you don't have a bed (they are a cheap and somewhat
    comfortable alternative).  You should not need any other furniture
    right now.  
    4.  Make sure that your finances are in order, too....very important.
    5.  Most importantly, feel good about yourself.  You are looking
    out for yourself.  Someone wise once told me that you are your own
    keeper.  It is not important that you are w/o support systems -
    although you may want to develop any potential ones you might have
    (i.e. do you have someone who you trust and is aware of your
    situation?).  Remember:  you are your own best friend.  Start to
    take care of yourself and things will fall neatly into place.  
    
    Do not feel guilt or regret about your decision....you'll only become
    increasingly unhappy if you stay put.  
    
    In time, I am sure that you will start to appreciate some of the
    nicer things in life.  When alone, in charge of your life again,
    you may notice how nice little things like watching the snow fall
    can be.  Once you embark on a new relationship in the future, you
    will have a more open mind and will eager to share your finding
    with another.  
    
    Smile - you are starting a new life.  Enjoy it before its too late!!
    (... and wishing you much luck - instead of dreading the next few
    weeks, just peek out the window to see if its snowing.....and think
    about all the nice things in your life to come....)
    
    cath.

	Also, some of the rooming houses (around marlboro), come
	furnished with a bed/bureau/light/etc.  Alot you have
	to share bath/kitchen.. But its cheap, and its your own
	space.
	There is one on marlboro main st above where H & R block/
	the sewing machine store is, that is small - only 6 or 7
	rooms sharing kitchen/bath, and the rent runs WEEKLY, so
	you don't have to come up with a big deposit.  Plus is
	has a small apartments available sign out side.

	/Robin

    I have been here. You are not alone.
    
    This happened before I came to New England. In 1982-83 I went thru this
    process. I had been living with a lover for 4 years and after 3 of
    those years I came to the conclusion I had to get out for both our
    sakes. But it took me almost a year to talk myself into actually doing
    anything. 
    
    I, like you, did care for this person, and didn't want to hurt them.
    But I was developing duodenal ulcers from the stress of not hurting
    them and was literally eating myself up from the inside. 
    
    Like you I was poor and in no real shape to go out and get an
    apartment, etc. What I did was to find an acquaintance who was renting
    half of a small house. I rented from her part of the basement which was
    a semi furnished room. I managed to find a second job in the evenings
    and started buying things I would need. Now I did already have some
    kitchen stuff (pots and a few dishes), but that was it. 
    
    I managed to find a furnished studio apt. I was lucky, the guy who
    was moving out, was doing it before the middle of the month, but
    was willing to pay the rent for the full month, because he had
    to move. So I could afford the security deposit (astronomical sum
    of $250) but not the first month's rent. 
                              
    How did I get the courage? I was lucky in that I had joined a "support"
    group some time before, initially to deal with becoming more assertive,
    but we sort of generalized after a while. I was not really emotionally
    close to any of these women, but they gave me the courage and support
    at times, when I was lacking it. First I just talked about it and then
    I planned it. It sounds like you are at that stage now. 
    
    The best thing I think I did was that I *did* have this planned
    out ahead of time. I told the person on Thursday and moved Saturday.
    I really think making a clean break was absolutely the best thing
    to do in this situation. At this point in our relationship, my lover
    was very dependent on me and if I had tried to "discuss" things
    I wouldn't have left. We talked about things afterward, and reached
    closure on our relationship, for which I am very grateful.
    
    Please remember--you have to take care of yourself first. You are
    important. It was realizing that, that gave me the courage to leave.
    I knew it was the right thing to do even though it hurt and I couldn't
    stand the idea of hurting my lover. 
    
    Other places to try to find help:
                 
    Employee assistance (EAP)-these folks are a terrific resource and
    would probably be able to refer you to various social services groups
    
    Women's Resource centers-even if you aren't a woman they should
    be able to direct you to local agencies or groups that can help.     
    
    Local churches that have social services organizations.
    
    YWCA and YMCA         
    

    You have my best wishes and sympathy. This was one of the hardest
    things I have ever done, but it was the right thing. I hope it turns
    out well for you, too.

    There is little I can add to what Cath (.3) and Robin (.4)
    have already said except that I don't think you should 
    worry about finding/keeping courage.  As Cath said, you're
    already there for it seems to me that "courage" is the
    decision to do something that is risky or scarey; from 
    personal experience, I'd share the observation that when
    others have said I acted "courageously" in doing such-and-such,
    my internal feeling was "Moose hockey!  I just did what I
    had to; not doing it would have been worse."  And, from
    what I can tell, my reaction is just about dead center in
    the bell curve.  It sounds like you've already reached that
    point.  
    
    Would it help if I suggested that sometimes knowing that there
    is pain ahead on one's chosen path and feeling some of that pain
    can feel like wavering courage, but that's simply a small
    emotional confusion?  I believe that the choice of path *was*
    the act of courage and the feeling of that future pain is both
    a reflection of both your sensitivity and a validation that 
    the choice is "courageous" - if it weren't going to hurt, would
    it have the same element of risk?
    
    Best of luck,
    
    Steve
    
    P.S.  Remember there *is* help around and it not wrong to ask
    	  for it; this conference and it's relatives (MENNOTES,
    	  WOMANNOTES) can be good places to ask. . .
    

    I am basically a read no/write person when it comes to this notes
    file but I had to comment on this note. 
    Stick to your convition and leave no matter what. I stayed in a
    26 1/2 year marriage because I was afraid to go out on my own. My
    self esteem was so low that I figured I just couldn't make it on
    my own. I won't go into the details of what made me finally leave
    but I thank God everyday that I did. I only wished I had had the
    courage to do it sooner. I was fortunate in the fact that I did
    have some money saved and I took necessary items. I moved into a
    studio apartment that was furnished and I got a second job. Money
    was tight but I made it.  Four years later I met the man I have
    been married to for 3 years and I couldn't be happier.
    Please don't stay for the sake of security, it is not worth your
    self esteem.
      Jan
    

    Have to make a note of disagreement w/ .1
    
    Infering that he should utilize another temporarily.  Always thought
    that was USING someone.  Whomever is chosen as a "quick fix helper"
    will certainly be hurt.  Fine to move in w/ someone you have an
    affection for and would like to foster a relationship w/.....much
    different issue when you choose someone who's "okay for now".
    
    I strongly disagree w/ that kind of rationale - why risk having
    someone else experience emotional pain just because you need somewhere
    to live and some emotional soothing. (Hope this doesn't appear to
    be an attack - certainly not my intention.)
    
    

    
    	While you can always regard another's feelings, you really cant
    guard them from thier own! People will feel what they need to and
    what is right for them at any particular moment. No amount of effort
    on your part is going to change that.
    
    	When we talk of "being careful not to hurt someone" I sometimes
    get the picture of Snidely Whiplash pulling the life support system's
    plug on a helpless Bambi. This is simply not the actual case; it
    is one that my brain manufactures in an attempt to ratify the "Other
    people's feelings are more important than my own" lesson - by using
    good 'ol Guilt. Better to stagnate your whole life, just so someone
    else wont "have to" choose to feel_hurt_because_you_changed, right?
    
    	If children were involved, I'd likely have a different opinion.
    
    	Joe Jas
               

    re: .9
    
    � .0 want something that WORKS?  Substitute a new lover.  That works.
    
    I'd be more inclined to agree if it read ". . .want something
    that works for some people?" or ". . .want something that has
    worked for me".  
    
    If the "temporary lover" idea didn't have such a track record for
    failure, we probably wouldn't have the clich� that goes "Well,
    they were bound to break up; after all, (s)he was on the rebound."
    
    � Since love affairs - as shown by .0 above - are temporary for this
    � person
    
    To me the ". . .temporary for this person" phrase implies expectation
    (as in "love affairs are expected by this person to be temporary").
    If that's what you meant, I fail to see how you arrived at this
    conclusion.
    
    From everything I can see in the base note, there's a good deal
    of pain because what apparently was hoped to be a "permanent" 
    relationship (e.g. .0 worked long & hard to fix it, keep it
    together) didn't work out that way.
    
    As clich�d as the "rebound" scenario is, so is the "withdrawl"
    approach (e.g. "I've been hurt and don't want to enter *any*
    love relationship until I've had a chance to crawl into my
    cave and lick my wounds.")  
                                
    Steve
    

    We have a "Social" mail distribution list here in Colorado Springs,
    which is often used for finding roommates.  Do you have anything
    similar there?  Or try posting a note on a bulletin board.  Seems
    like DECcies are always looking for roommates, or might rent a spare
    room if they knew someone was interested.  Or rent a room somewhere,
    so you'd need only a minimum of household articles.
    
    Good luck!
    
    Paula

    You are really brave and courageous to "bite the bullet" on your
    own!  So many of us "hang in there" in BTN relationships out of
    fears of abandonment, hurting the other person, financial insecurities,
    etc.  We usually wait until someone else comes along to help us
    carry the load over into yet another relationship.  The fact that
    you are going to go it "solo" despite all the issues you have to
    face in terms of living and financial arrangements says a lot!!
    
    Successful endings aren't easy - it takes two people who agree that
    the relationship has no further growth potential for either of
    them, that they will both benefit more from the ending, that they
    are both STILL beautiful people in their own space and that they
    still like each other and can remain friends.  Unfortunately,
    at the beginning of the ending, there are the usual feelings of
    hurt by the "leftee" and guilt by the "leftor" that you have to
    deal with.  This is completely normal and you ought not to let
    this discourage you or intimidate you into prolonging the ending.
    Experience the feelings and go on with your new life!!!
    
    Again, congratulations to you on your decision!
    
    Dolly