Conference quark::human_relations-v1

         hummm.....I, too, have had to deal with mental illness...not
         of the same sort and not to the same extent, but one thing
         I've come to realize is that if the person does not realize
         they have a serious problem...or, worse, it they have no
         desire to live because they think it will never be better,
         there is not much you can do.  Short of tying him to a bed
         and feeding him the medication (NOT a suggestion), the only
         way I've come across is to give the person a desire to want
         to live and become "well".  That's not an easy thing to
         do....I don't have the answer on how you can do it,
         either...The decision to live and to find treatment must be
         his (just like Mike said in Reply .1). 

         You and your family, on the other hand, need to learn to
         handle the emmense stress a situation like this can put on
         you.  Again, I don't have the answers.... 

         I do know, though, that the key to your brother improving
         will have to come from within himself... 
	     

         I understand what you are going through...but I haven't found
         the answers to my situation yet, so I'm awaiting the replies
         here as much as you are... 
	 
	 -kathy

    I agree with Kathy.  You have no control over the choices
    your brother is making for his own life.  All you can do is
    live your own life as best you can and accept that his decisions
    are right for him at the time.  I do understand the stress
    you're under.  I think the worst kind of stress is when you're
    in a situation like this where you have a huge emotional stake
    and yet control of the situation is not in your hands.  One
    thing you must remember is that you are not responsible for
    the quality of your brother's life.  You can only be responsible
    for your own life.  Try to be gentle with yourself...love
    yourself and give yourself credit for handling this situation
    in the best way you know how from day to day.
    
    You and your parents might benefit from some family counseling
    in order to build a support system among yourselves.  I do
    hope you'll find someone you trust that you can vent to, 
    confide in, whatever.  It does relieve some of the stress to
    have someone to talk to.
    
    Hang in there and be nice to yourself.  You deserve all the
    love you can give yourself right now.
    
    Nanci

    There's little I can add to the good advice already given - I
    believe it's very important for you and yours to focus on yourselves.
    I can, from my own experiences, give testimony to the belief that
    it *can* get "better" for you and your family and, in such instances,
    I think "counselling" is a wise suggestion.  I enquoted that because
    I've learned that it can take many forms - for some it may be long,
    deep conversations with a trusted friend, for others, the clergy
    may be a source of counsel, and for still more, a professional 
    counsellor is the best way.  
    
    But whatever the method, it can help a great deal to find those
    people who can get you to focus on yourself and reach clarity and
    resolution.  Which isn't to say that it's painless - you already
    know differently and, until your brother chooses another path,
    pain will be a part of your life.  What can get better is how
    you and your family live with this and how you feel about yourselves.
    
    Best wishes,
    
    Steve
    

    Hi,
         He probably doesn't think he has a problem, only that everybody
    is out to get him and trying to get rid of him, etc. I'm sure he's
    very lonely and very scared. 
         I think if he's suicidal, you can "commit" him. He'll be very
    angry with everybody at first and just be convinced he was right,
    that nobody wanted him around, etc. but if they can get him on some
    medication and stabilize him, he may be receptive to counseling.
    Then the family could get involved also and tell him what you've
    been going through, caring about him and wanting to help and not
    being able to. 
         If he's supposed to have counseling and take medication to
    keep things in control and doesn't do it, it's frustrating and I
    don't know what someone would do...
    
    Sheree
    

    A couple of things you said worry me.  Firstly, that at one
    point you were concerned for your (and your parents) physical
    safety.  And the other being that he was once diagnosed as
    Paranoid Schizophrenic.  That is *not* something to be taken
    lightly.  PS usually appears in males of his age.  There is
    no know cause, but there are effective treatments.  I believe
    that if left untreated, it can become worse.  He *needs* to take
    hie medication and needs to be made aware of the consequences
    if he doesn't take it.  This story sounds so much like a story
    a just read that took place here in Mass.  The results there were 
    fatal.
    
    I really don't mean to sound so dramatic, but it does sound
    as though he truly needs help.  And possibly he is not the one
    to make that decision.  It may be up to you and your family
    to have him involuntarily committed to a hospital.  This is done
    more often that you may think, so I wouldn't attach any stigma
    to it. I believe it's what he needs.  He may ever be fully
    cured, but his illness can be managed.
    
    Good luck.  I do hope you find an answer.
    
    Dorothy

    The following reply is from the anonymous author of the base note.
    
    
    
    
    
My brother is only violent when he's drunk.  Now that he's not drinking
he's fine and not a threat to the family - in a physical manner.

I was just talking with my mother the other night telling her that my
brother has an addictive personality.  If there's a case of beer in the
house it won't last long.  If it's there, he's got to drink it all.  It's
not his fault, it's something in his genes.  I guess it's a part of his
illness - a chemical imbalance in his brain.

This whole situation makes everyone feel helpless.  My mother is the one
suffering through the most stress.  She's the one who's at home with my
brother day and night.  She's the one who know's exactly what's going on
with him.  And she really has no escape during the week.  But I don't 
think it's safe to leave him alone too much anyway.  I'm just glad that
she gets out on the weekend and enjoys herself - as much as she can.

I told her the other night that I think she should have him committed to
a hospital that doesn't allow patients above the age of 18 to check them-
selves out.  She said that she couldn't do that at this time and I understand
why.  That's something we can't consider yet.

She is now taking him to a second psychiatrist.  If his diagnosis is the same
then she's going to insist on the treatment.  If it isn't she's going to get
a third opinion, fourth and fifth also, if necessary.

I just feel that unless *he* wants something done himself nothing will help.

My parents were the ones who forced him to the drug hospitals and he didn't
want to do it so he just continued with the drugs once he got out.

My parents are the ones who are forcing him to see a psychiatrist.  Since
he's the one who doesn't want the help I don't believe he's opening up 
enough to the psychiatrist.  And I know he's not helping himself.

My mother and brother both were turned away from the first psychiatrist
my brother saw because he said right out that he had a mental illness.
This upset both my mother and brother.  I said that it was true, I guess
my mother just wish he had used a little tact.  I don't really blame her.

Hopefully there will be someone out there somewhere who will get my brother
to open up.  My fiance talks to him sometimes to help but there's really
no change in him after their talks.  Sometimes my fiance gets a little
discouraged because he thinks that his talks with my brother really helped,
he thinks that this time my brother will do something about it.  But it's
always the same end result.....it's just getting worse now.

There's no doubt in my mind that my brother knows how much his family loves
him.  That's not an issue here.  In fact he once said that he would be
check into an hospital just to take the burden off of my parents because
he can see how much they're suffering.  Something changed his mind - probably
because he's not taking his medication anymore so he's not thinking through
a clear head.

I wish there was something to relieve my mothers mind as well as my brothers.

I'm just hoping, and believing, that everything will be okay someday.  I 
hope I'm not setting myself up for a big disappointment.

I just wish my brother would accept the help and *want* to do something for
himself - for once...

    Like others, I will assure you that you cannot make your brother
    change, only your brother can make himself change.  Like others,
    I would urge your parents to get psychological counseling.
    
    Unlike the others, I'll give explanantions for the latter.  1) While
    your brother is the one with the problem, your entire family is
    suffering from it, and so needs treatment.  2) Part of the reason
    your brother is not working on his problem *may* be the dynamics
    of your family.  I am NOT saying there is something wrong with
    your family, just that it may be operating, uh, at a bad angle to
    your brother.  If your parents (and you, when you're around) can
    adjust the styles of their interactions with your brother, the
    new dynamics may enable him to acknowledge that he truly has a
    problem.
    
    						Ann B.

    re: .8
    
    Well said, Ann.  Among other things, such counselling will 
    likely work on the "keep hoping that things will work out o.k."
    viewpoint.  This isn't to suggest abandoning hope, but *how*
    the family hopes can be instrumental in their well-being.
    
    Also, I think it's well worth the effort to shop around a bit
    for a counselor; if one's approach strikes you or your mom
    as "harsh", that's usually a pretty decent signal that this
    isn't the person for you.  By definition, a good counselor for
    you is one with whom you'll feel as comfortable as possible
    doing a lot of work on your perceptions, feelings, etc.  
    
    Steve
    

    Ann said it well.  And, there's a place you can go, to begin
    to get the help *you* need to get through this - and it's free.
    
    Go to Al-Anon.  They'll help *you*.
    
    					Good luck,
    					 Peace,
    				       	 andrew

	Please try to read the book "Bradshaw on: The family"
by John Bradshaw, ISBN 0-932194-54-0. This gives a thourough
description of "family dynamics".

	Joe Jas


< Note 630.8 by REGENT::BROOMHEAD "Don't panic -- yet." >
                      -< Getting Off the Merry-go-round >-

    Like others, I will assure you that you cannot make your brother
    change, only your brother can make himself change.  Like others,
    I would urge your parents to get psychological counseling.
    
    Unlike the others, I'll give explanantions for the latter.  1) While
    your brother is the one with the problem, your entire family is
    suffering from it, and so needs treatment.  2) Part of the reason
    your brother is not working on his problem *may* be the dynamics
    of your family.  I am NOT saying there is something wrong with
    your family, just that it may be operating, uh, at a bad angle to
    your brother.  If your parents (and you, when you're around) can
    adjust the styles of their interactions with your brother, the
    new dynamics may enable him to acknowledge that he truly has a
    problem.
    
    						Ann B.