Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    This thanksgiving, I'll be getting together with other singles in
    the ski cabin we rented for the season, hopefully with fresh snow.
    At the very least, it'll be 4 days up in the mountains, far from
    the madding crowds of the silicon valley.  Just get clear, Bob,
    get clear for awhile.
    
    DougO

    Some of the people in my group have an "orphan" (uggh) Thanksgiving for
    those people whose family live to far away or don't really have a
    family.  I think this is one of the neatest ideas I've ever heard of,
    especially since an awful lot of people up here in the New England area
    are very far from their original home towns.

I'm dreading it too. These will be my first holidays without
sharing it with anyone.  I'll have my son but that's it.
Now I understand why people don't like the holidays - it's
the loneliness.  No gifts under the tree no smiles on anyone's
faces - I'm expecting my son to cry this year when he wakes up 
instead of be happy.  I hope someday I'll have a boyfriend to share
the holidays with....I think I"ll just try to sleep through this
year...

Colleen

    We don't always have to be without family to dread the holidays.
     I have family, but the family has been through a great deal this
    past year.  I personally wish I could just skip November and December.
     But to get through it, I will probably just keep my mouth shut
    and put up with whatever I have to.  If the rest of the family wants
    to be with me, they will have to come to me.
    
    Ed..
    

"Orphan-style" Thanksgiving dinners are a blast!  I'm hosting my third
annual one this year.  Being from Tennessee, and living in New Hampshire
makes a quick trip home kind of impractical.  Besides, Thanksgiving is
supposed to be the worst (most crowded) time of year for traveling.

.jim

re: .5

Oops, how time flies...this year is my FOURTH, not third...

.j

    
    	I'll spend them the same as I always do, doing things I enjoy.
    	I may dig out some of those fishing videos, or maybe some of
    	camping books and start planning what/where I want to go next
    	summer. I never think of them as "holidays", rather just an
    	extra long weekend with more time to get away from work and
    	do things I like. This has worked out great for the past nine
    	years, so it should be about the same this year. Maybe I'm just
    	different from everyone else, I hear so much about this time
    	of year being very lonely for most single people, but I can't
    	say I've let myself sit still long enough over the years to
    	feel that way. Whenever I have time off from work, I'm too
    	busy to even give a thought about being lonely.
    
    	G_B

    re: -all
    
    
    Well this is my season to "be happy".  Last year, our house caught
    fire a few days before Thanksgiving and we had to spend Christmas
    in a trailer with the small amount of personal items we had left.
    This will be our first Thanksgiving/Christmas in the new house and
    I have a lot to be thankful for...that no one was hurt during the
    fire and we have a roof over our heads.
    
    Best wishes to everyone no matter who or what (pets) they spend
    it with!  :-)
    
       - Larry 

       I've never liked the "holiday season". It comes when the early
       darkness has already caused me to feel low. I'm one of those that
       gets a bit depressed when there's not enough daylight. It's much
       easier to deal with since I've lived in Colorado but the holidays
       are still tough. I'll be with my family but sometimes that makes
       it worse. I still miss Ray.

       My best pick me up will be if the weather's nice I'll take my
       horse and dogs and go for extra long rides in the sunlight on the
       vacation days. It's hard to stay depressed galloping across a
       meadow with a panoramic view of the front range in front of you.
       liesl 

        Gee, I hate to be the one to bring a little sunshine to this
    gloomy note, but here I go.  I am looking forward to the upcoming
    holidays.
    
        I am going to give thanks next Thursday for my family, my friends
    and my stiuation.  This topic has made me think of how fortunate
    I am.  This topic has also prompted me to remember to keep the spirit
    of giving alive.  I'm going to go out and buy some toys for the
    Toys for Tots program, and I'm going to give something to one of the
    local organizations that provides Thanksgiving dinners for those
    in need.
    
        Thank you all for reminding me of what this season means.
    
    ASP

    Christmas is the time for my annual visit home.  I like to keep
    it to about a week -- long enough to catch up with everyone but
    short enough that we don't get on each other's nerves.  This year
    things will be a little different.  It used to be five kids and
    my parents in a smallish house.  This year at least one of my younger
    brothers will be with my older brother at his apartment.  Not quite
    so crowded.
    
    I recently moved, so I have three large plastic bags of stuff to
    give to Goodwill, as soon as I psych myself up for the trip into
    downtown Nashua (blech).  They took the drop boxes out of the shopping
    center in Merrimack, alas.
    
    Indian Head Bank had a neat program last year -- a Christmas tree
    with little cards describing an individual and what sort of things
    they'd like for Christmas.  Pick a card, buy a present, drop it
    off at the bank.

    Re .3, Colleen, instead of concentrating on the fact that you don't
    have anybody besides your son to spend the holidays with (especially
    a boyfriend or husband), try to concentrate on the fact that you
    do *have your son* to share Xmas with.  He'a a person, too, and
    as long as you have even one other person to be with you are not
    alone.  Concentrate on trying to make it as fun a day as possible
    for the two of you.  What if you didn't have your son?  What would
    it be like if you really were all alone?
    
    There are times since my divorce, and since my father died and my
    mother became senile (sounds awful but true), that I have felt very
    lonely on holidays, but I am so thankful that I have my daughter.
     She makes all the difference in the world.
    
    Last Christmas was the first Christmas of my life that I didn't
    have either my parents or my husband or a boyfriend to help celebrate.
     I did have my daughter for the day.  (My ex had her for Xmas eve.)
     Just the two of us spent the day together and we had a good time!
     First thing in the morning we opened our gifts.  She gave me one.
     She was 13 last Xmas and didn't have much money.  I splurged and
    gave her a lot of things (that I really couldn't afford).  I wrapped
    everything up as nice as I could and put cute little cards on all
    the packages and then sat back and watched her open everything.
     Then, we went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant which was all
    that was open, and then we each picked a movie and we went to both
    movies, one after the other!  We discovered that all that was open
    in Nashua on Xmas was Chinese restaurants and movie theaters.  At
    the end of the day I realized that I had actually had fun and I
    think she did, too!  Then, I thought, *what* would I have ever done
    without her?
    
    Last Thanksgiving wasn't quite so good.  My daughter was scheduled
    to be with her father, and my ex-boyfriend had recently broken up
    with me.  With my mother in a nursing home and not even aware that
    it was Thanksgiving, I had nowhere to go.  Finally, a single girlfriend
    decided to go out to eat with me.  But, at the last minute her daughter
    got sick with strep throat and she cancelled.  There I was on
    Thanksgiving with nothing to do.  In the evening I had a chance,
    however, to pick up my daughter at my ex-in-law's house.  When I
    got there (my ex and his girlfriend had already left) I mentioned
    to my ex-mother-in-law that I hadn't had any dinner and she immediately
    fixed me a huge plate of turkey.  Then, I sat down and ate supper
    with all my ex-in-laws.  The highlight of that day came when my
    ex-mother-in-law (who at one time I fought with like cats and dogs!),
    say, "Well, this is how it should be.  Just because you and Bobby
    got divorced doesn't mean we can't still sit down and eat together
     talk and be friends."  (I thought, Boy is she ever mellowing in
    her old age! ha-ha)
    
    This year I am living with somebody so we'll probably spend some
    time with his family.
    
    Lorna
    
    P.S.  In other words, kids aren't lovers but they're better than
    nothing when the chips are down :-)!
    

    I can understand how it might be difficult over the holidays.  I'm
    not looking forward to them either.  My husband has decided to separate
    and is only waiting for the holidays to be over to leave.  It is
    making things so stressed that I'm thinking about asking him to
    leave early so I don't have to go through the pain.
    
    On the plus side, I have some wonderful children, whom I dearly
    love, and without whom, I'd probably just forget that the holidays
    existed and do something ordinary.  For those who love me, I plan
    on making it the very best holiday season ever, and then I can enjoy
    it too!
    
    Barb

       
       
       	Although the holidays aren't my favourite time either, at least
       	this year I'll have my nephew/godson to dote over.. He may never
       realise how much he's helped me thru the past 5 months..
       
       							mike

    	The only holidays I spent "alone" were the one when I was in
    the Navy. But Even then I was alone as were my shipmates. We were
    at sea 13,000 miles away from home and slipping into depression
    thinking about families. 
    	Two years ago, we (wife & kids) were planning on going home
    for the Christmas holidays. We told the little one that Santa was
    coming early (xmas eve eve) and that they could open their present
    on the day before Christmas. Because no one would be around until
    late Xmas eve at home, we decided to go to the 4 pm church service,
    then go out to supper, and start the drive home. 
    	After church, the only place we could find open was a pizza
    palor and they of course wanted to close up ASAP and get home. They
    gave us our meal free, and asked us to be as quick as we could.
    It was eerie looking out the windows with almost no traffic at 5:30
    PM and the snow lightly falling. Xmas eve in a pizza palor was
    depressing, even for the kids. Anyway, we went to our house, loaded
    the car and proceeded to drive home. It was an open road. The normal
    2-1/2-3 hour ride took about 2 hours and the toll takers waved us
    through and smiled and said "Merry Christmas....no charge!!" When
    we got home it wasn't much different until the family started arriving
    but the loneliness of the early evening sort of lingered in my mind
    for a long, long time after Christmas.
    	
    	I guess that most of the lonely people are taken advantage of
    at this time of year, because they don't have families. I wish to
    warn you of those that will try to get you to do things because
    you are alone. Refuse to be made to feel guilty about being alone
    and try to plan something for yourself. Even if it means driving
    50 miles to a movie theatre that's open. At least you won't be lying
    when you say I have plans. If you have kids, make sure you plan
    evrything with them. If their teens and you don't tell them ahead
    of time what you're planning they'll plan something with their friends.
    You may want to include some of the kid's friends who may have nothing
    at home worth staying for. 
    
    	Don't sit in gloom. Most of you have a lot to offer, otherwise
    you wouldn't be a participant in this file.
    
    Ken
    
    ps:: Collen......Are you the Colleen with mid-back length, straight,
    blonde hair????? If so, "hi". 

    But Ken, aren't you trying to get those people to do things because
    they are alone? ;^)
    
    There are a few days in the year that I find very depressing to go out
    on: Christmas day/afternoon, Thanksgiving, and New Years day.  There's
    something about the empty streets, the closed stores, the absolute
    silence that leaves an incredibly hollow feeling.  Its much nicer to
    spend the day home curled up with a book or baking cookies or whatever.
    
    But why lie about being home alone?  If asked just tell the truth. 
    Sometimes people think that might be the case and are asking to see if
    they should invite you over to their place for the day.

    
    
Note 624.17                Dreading the "holidays"...                   17 of 17
USMFG::PJEFFRIES "the best is better"                30 lines  21-NOV-1988 12:52
                                 -< Be happy >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    
    
    Excuse me for being excited about the holidays.  I find absolutely
    no excuse for the negitive atitudes during the holidays. Why should
    you change for onr or two days a year.  
    Re.3 you stated that you have a child, you have every reason to
    rejoice , not be down.  What kind of example are you setting for
    that child.  There is too much emphasis on gifts, do something for
    someone.  Go to a college or university and see if there is some
    foreign student who can,t go home for the holidays invite them over
    for dinner, go to a church or salvation army shelter and help to
    serve dinner to someone less fortunate than you. 
    I have been a single parent for almost 20 years and for most of
    those years did not have a male friend, many times almost no money,
    one year I lost my father on Dec 4th, and I can,t think of one unhappy
    holiday.  It's great to have family for the holidays, but not having
    on is no excuse for not having a good time. I have had as many as
    20 people to my house for Thanksgiving and the only family were
    my two kids.  I was in a department store a few years ago and met
    a aquaintance who comented that she and her adult son were going
    out to dinner for Thanks giving, I invited her over, I had another
    friend who had just broken up with her husband, I invited her and
    her two sons, by the way her husband wanted to spend the holiday
    with the boys so he came too. My son had some friends who weren't
    near their familys so they were invited. That year any one who opened
    their mouth near me got invited. We went through a 25 lb turkey,
    a leg of lamb, an 8 lb ham, 6 pies, 1 cheesecake, 1 choc cake and
    all the fixings. It was on of my most memorable Thanksgivings. I
    have had others that were almost asmuch fun, but I repeat, you don't
    have to be lonely.
    

Seven years ago yesterday, my husband and I separated and divorced 3
years later. I had been married for 20 years and cooked Thanksgiving dinner 
for my family as well as doing things for all the holidays.  My 4 children 
stayed in their father's house.  (another story)  For the first time in
my life, I was totally alone.  I had been in therapy for quite awhile before
I left and continued for another four years or so trying to deal with a
lot of emotional problems.  The first Thanksgiving, I had dinner with my
best girlfriend.  She took me in when I had no place to go.  Then came
the Christmas holidays and they were brutally lonely for me.  I had just 
moved into a new apartment in December of that year and had no idea how I
was going to cope with holidays.  

Each time the holiday season would approach, I'd get more and more depressed
and run to see my therapist.  She finally helped me realize that even 
though the traditions that were created were over, there was no reason why
I couldn't begin making new traditions.  I thought about this for awhile
and it began to make sense to me.  We can remember and cherish the old
traditions, yet we can begin to build new traditions of our own.

Now, I always cook Thanksgiving dinner as I've done over the years.  The
children (older now, of course) look forward to Thanksgiving at Mom's.
We spend Christmas eve together opening gifts, enjoying a buffet that I
fix and just having a good time.  They spend Christmas day at their
father's house doing what they always did opening gifts when they get up
in the morning and whatever else they choose to do.  I've spent several
Christmas days alone, but try and occupy myself with reading or something
to keep busy and it's ok.

Guess all I wanted to say was that sometimes we are sad/depressed during the
holidays for what was and feeling this way can sometimes keep us locked into
the past.  We have the power to create our own traditions.  We can still
look back on the old cherished traditions, yet be busy developing and
living our own new ones.

Charlene
    

    RE: .19
    
    YEA, I remember starting a new tradition Charlene!  How about that
    day we were dragging your first "real" Christmas tree up that dang
    fire escape laughing histerically!!!  I'll never forget that night,
    and now you have a tree every year...  
    
    To new traditions!  "clink"   ;-)
    
    	Judy
    

    
    
    Yes, Charlene, Yes!  I,too, found myself celebrating the holidays
    alone after 10 years of marriage, with each holiday being as 
    traditional as possible!
    
    The most rewarding Christmas I can recall was 3 years ago, just
    3 months after my husband left and my life fell apart.  I loaded
    (literally loaded! a Volvo wagon so laden I couldn't see out the
     back!) my car with Christmas gifts, tucked in my 6 year old son
    and headed off to North Platte, Nebraska, to visit my mom at the
    senior citizens complex in which she lives.  We arrived on Monday,
    Christmas was on Friday.  On Tuesday, my son was anxious to open
    gifts-mom and I took one look at the zillions of gifts under the
    tree and said "What the heck, who do WE have to answer to?"  So
    we opened one or two presents that morning, a couple more that
    night, another the next morning-etc until Christmas Eve!  We still
    had plenty to open at the official time!  We also visited my aunt,
    for more gift-exchanging, and my brother showed up Christmas morning
    with, you guessed it, even more gifts!  Mom and I felt like naughty
    children getting away with something!  And my son still remembers
    that year.  I came home feeling brand new.  
    
    From that experience, I have learned to do what feels good for me-
    I have since remarried, and my husband and I wouldn't miss our
    'traditional' Thanksgiving meal at 'our' restaurant.
    
    Deborah
    
    

Re: 19

And, I mustn't forget my dearest friend who helped make that particular
Christmas in my new home the best ever and the start of a new tradition.
That tree was sure somethin, Judy!  The laughs, the clinks, the joy I 
thought I'd never experience again were all there that day.  I've not 
found a tree that comes even close to the beauty of that one!

Re: 20

Deborah, your holiday story was wonderful!  Break the old traditions,
    it's ok!  

    I don't want anyone to think that beginning new traditions was easy.  I 
still get a lump in my throat at times during the holidays.  But, I'm 
beginning to feel nostalgia for some of the new holidays we've celebrated 
since I was single.  For instance, Thanksgiving.  The kids are there, we 
eat dinner and my three sons saunter into the living room to watch the 
football game sprawled out on the couch and the floor.  They doze off and 
I go get blankets and pillows and cover them up.  They groan, but they
love it!  After awhile, I go in there and tell them they gotta get up so 
we can play Trivial Pursuit. They have a fit!!!  But, they get up and we 
have lots of laughs and fun!  Course, two of the 'boys' are in their early 
20's and one is 19 and Mom covering them up with blankets becomes
hysterical.  Guess they think I still treat them like babies....:-))))  
Too bad, guys, that's what Mom's are for!!!  ;-)

Charlene
    

I know how the holidays can be a drag. I lived the horror of
loosing my spouse and the dreaded times alone. I know that it
hurts but DO NOT deny the hurt. Cry but keep the faith that there
will be a better day tomorrow.

7 years later, I married a beautiful woman; 6 years later we adopted a
little boy. Progressively, I have regained the "normality" to my
life.

You, too, will get there and there will be hurting times ahead.
Take control and let the feelings flow; down hills maybe, then it
will get up hill again.

cal hoe

    
    Yeah!  I remember my first holiday after my divorse.  That was the
    pits but it was 9 years ago.  Even though I drove to NJ [EXIT 154
    sic joke] to be with my family it was a very empty feeling.  
    
    I have found over the years that being alone and being lonely are
    two very different things and clearly is an emotional frame of mind
    that points to how you are doing as a person and how you feel about
    yourself.
    
    I alternate the major holidays with my ex- and choose not to make
    the drive to NJ on those Thanksgiving's I'm without my kids.  I've
    been to the orphan dinners and have had great times and have gone
    to friends for dinner as well.
    
    This year I decided to cook myself Thanksgiving dinner.  I did it
    all up.  The DEC turkey [from last year] and all the trimmins. Sat
    down to candlelight dinner [solo] and toasted the holiday to myself
    and my good feelings about myself.  I did not have one sad thought.
    
    The following day I was on the slopes in VT for three days of DH
    skiing.
    
    It is a great feeling to be FREE.  That's not to say that being
    with or without a SO is unimportant.  Only that it is how one feels
    about themselves when they are WITH or WITHOUT a SO that is important.
    
    Bill

    
    	RE: .24
    
    	Bill, I think you have just touched on one of the biggest
    	problems of being alone for most people (IMO). It just seems
    	that way too many people look to another to loose their feeling
    	of lonliness rather than looking within.
    
    	G_B

    
    I sometime get depressed during this time.  Holidays for me still
    reminds me of the people I miss and things that might have been.
    It's not a totaly unhappy time, but is has its blue moments.  I
    do however still look foward to Christmas.  I feel its a milestone
    reached each year.  Its easy to say to some one _remember 3 
    Christmass ago_ and it becomes a recognized date. 
    
    Anyhow I've rambled a bit. Does anyone feel the same?
    
    John
    

    
    
    With a beautiful, intelligent and loving little boy to
    share the holidays with, how can I help but look forward
    to this season of love?  Now if I can only convince my dog
    to stop unwrapping presents early!!
    
    Deb
    

    
    I'll go help out at Loaves and Fishes this Christmas.
    
    Maybe this will allow some Christian to be at home with 
    their family, and for me to forget my insignificant
    feelings.  

    
    I'll second .27 by Deb. Having a young child has made all
    the difference for my wife and myself. It helps to see the
    magic of the holidays through the eyes of an innocent child.
    
    						Hank

    Hmm, I put a similar note to this in the BAGELS (Jewish topics) notes
    file a few months ago when I first got hold of fiscal year calendar and
    saw how many long weekends we have coming up around the Christian
    holiday season this year.  This particular building (HLO2) really
    empties out at that time of year - I guess because there are a lot of
    people here who have been with DEC for a long time and thus have a lot
    of vacation time.  Last year, the week between Christmas and New Year's
    Day, there were about five people in the place (me, one or two other
    Jewish people, and a couple of foreign-born people who did not have the
    paperwork yet to be able to re-enter the US if they went home for a
    visit).  The cafeteria was closed.  It was very dull - all the computer
    time you could want, like working on a Sunday, every day.  Yawn!  This
    year, I wanted to go away myself that week, but I couldn't find
    anything cheap to do (if I was going, I wanted to go someplace W_A_R_M
    - it was 2 oF out when I left for work this morning, ugh), so I will be
    here again, but am going on a short vacation the following week, so at
    least I have something to look forward to while "holding the fort" here
    in CAD!  I think we will take the long weekend to go visit my husband's
    grandmother in her nursing home in New York (can't normally visit there
    on weekends since we would have to drive on Saturday to realistically
    do so - the home is very Orthodox) and see some Jewish friends who live
    in the city - if that doesn't work out, the synagogue usually gets a
    bunch of volunteers to help serve Christmas dinners to homeless people
    in shelters and at nursing homes (so the Christian volunteers can have
    the day with their families), so I may help with that.  I really find
    it hard to get through this time of year sometimes.  I am one of those
    people who gets depressed when the daylight hours are very short,
    anyhow - I feel better after the winter solstice when the daylight
    slowly but surely starts to return (the 21st this year, I think).
    
    /Charlotte                    

	 Due to a long series of negative associations (some personal, some
    philosophical,  some  just accidental) I have disliked the Xmas holiday
    all  my  adult  life.   A  couple  of  years  ago, my sister and I (who
    on-and-off  feels the way I do) started making plans in September to go
    away  somewhere  for  the  holiday.   Imagine our surprise to find just
    about  *everywhere*  booked  solid three months in advance! I'm talking
    the  Caribbean,  Montreal, Mexico, Florida - for all the usual resorts,
    it's  a  notorious  busy season.  Must be lots of folks think the way I
    do...

	 JJRitz

Reply to 624.15

Sorry I haven't been in this file in a while but to answer your question
YES, I'm Colleen with the mid length blond hair in HLO....

    Merry Christmas Colleen........It'll be tough this year, but I assure
    you that next year will be brighter.
    
    Ken