Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    If you feel it's time to take a break, do so!
    
    My most important college girlfriend broke up with me shortly
    after I graduated.  I was shocked and hurt.  For about six months
    I didn't feel any interest in romance, dating or any of that
    stuff.  It was a bad six months: I was unemployed for part of
    it, I had just had oral surgery to remove an extra tooth, and
    it wasn't healing well, my car broke down and died one rainy
    night, and I had no idea where my life was going.
    
    But time heals all wounds. And as other things started to get
    better (a job, healing, the purchase of a reliable old VW bug...)
    so did my interest in seeking a relationship come back.
    
    To answer anonymous' questions: yes, there was a time when I
    wanted to give dating up, and did, and did so for several months.
    I knew it was time when I started looking at women with, to
    quote Jimmy Carter, "lust in my heart" again!
        
    			-John Bishop

Sometimes it's good just to spend quiet time with the dog, yourself, or
whatever.  

We all get frustrated with dating from time to time.  That's normal.  Don't
let it whip ya.  I've been there.  Who hasn't?  

I always found that when I'm getting over a "lesson" from life, that I enjoy
spending some time to myself.  I'll usually do some things that I've put off
around my apartment or whatever...  I spend some time working out, boxing at
the Academy, etc., maybe go shoot some pool with the guys/girls... spend more
time with my son, (from previous lesson), and play lot's of music to suit my
mood. 

I won't press "dating."  I'll go when I feel like it or the when the occasion
arises. I don't get hung up on, "Gosh, I wonder if I'll ever do it again." 

I'm telling you now, that you WILL date again.  You mentioned about getting
"involved" again... and I'm not sure how you define "involved."  But it's
not over for you.  You know that.  You're just feeling a bit "let down"
right now.  It'll blow over.  You'll get your second wind.  ;^)

Enjoy who you are and what you are.  Don't press the issue and things will
fall into place.  It's just another chapter in your life.

                              It ain't no thang.

							Dwight

Although "dating" means different things to different people, I'll assume
that this dating isn't all with the same person.

It sounds to me as if all this dating is getting to be a chore and an 
obligation.  I'd just stop doing it...if you're getting nothing out of it
other than tired, then why do it?  

There was one period in my life where I stopped for about 3 years.  I was
perfectly happy, and I was a normal person before, during, and after this
period (well, you know what I mean...I didn't become a recluse or anything).

Even now I'm "in between", and I'm enjoying spending time mostly with 
myself and my dog.  It took me a while since my last SO to start feeling
that way, and it certainly is welcome.

I don't suppose I ever did "date" lots of different people (a couple per
week) other than one time, and I HATED IT!  Although it sharpened my 
social skills, mostly it did nothing but soak up free time.

My philosophy is to let things roll...I'll probably "run into" someone 
eventually, but never want to get into the mode of "actively searching".
When I've run into someone special in the past, all that "effort" that 
has to be put into a relationship doesn't seem like hard work...

Summary:

You don't need someone else to be happy; you don't need to be dating
to be "normal".  Do what you feel like doing; don't do what you don't
feel like doing.

.jim

    I too, had gone through the "I'LL NEVER DATE AGAIN" phase when my
    last few dates have been, well, let's just say, not up to par...I
    guess we all hit that point where we have had enough, and the only
    advice I can give at this point is to just stop for a while, and
    start spending time alone.  You may find that you actually like
    yourself, and the time that you spend alone...and you may
    find that you much prefer the company of "dates", and that will
    answer your question.  I would not say "NEVER DATE AGAIN", as that
    would really close yourself off, and who knows when that "perfect"
    someone will come along.  If you vow to stop dating forever, you
    might just let that person pass by without even realizing what you
    just let pass.  I would just sit back, smell the flowers, and relax
    with being by yourself....you know what "they" say....when you stop
    looking is when you find.
                                                  
    
    Good luck in whatever road you choose....you have several paths
    to follow...follow the one that makes you happiest...for only you
    can make you happy....everything else in this world is icing on
    the cake!
    
    Jill
    

    Since my breakup last May, I've dated a bit.  I've met new people
    and gone out.  Some times were good, some were bad - some friendships
    worked, some didn't.  But always, for the first time in my life,
    I listened to what I really wanted.  
    
    For a while I was dating several people, as friends (very important
    to start out as friends...)  Now I'm dating less, and investing
    more time in my hobbies/pastimes (reading, music, working out, dance,
    role-playing games) because that's where I feel most comfortable
    right now.  In May, I made a conscious effort to stay single (after
    previous breakups I had just lunged into a new relationship right
    away).  Now I like being unattached, and it is no longer an effort.
    I like the freedom.  I also like being able to spend time with my
    friends - going out to eat, taking in a movie, playing chess or
    checkers or whatever, etc.
    
    Listen to your heart, and don't worry about the rest.  
    
    Also, I came to realize after a few semi-blind dates, that you don't
    hit it off with everyone.  Don't play games, and don't stay in contact
    with people you don't like that much, or people who don't seem to like
    you - it's easiest to let these things lie and just move on.  Also,
    if they can't understand why you wish to date less after you explain
    your search for peace-of-mind and happiness, they're not much as 
    friends go.
    
    -Jody
    

I just became single and am just starting to date myself.  After 11 years of 
being what I thought was "happily married" my ex left me for a "family 
friend".  Nice friend.  Anyway, needless to say, not only was I extremely hurt 
and devistated, I was LONELY.  I still am.  I thought I would never look at 
another guy again - didn't want anything to do with anyone.  I decided I would 
get into finding out "who" I am and start doing things for "me" first.  Well, 
after a couple months, I did start seeing the real me.  Time does heal - 
believe me.  But it's also nice to be able to have someone around to talk to, 
someone who can understand your feelings (don't dump on that person though 
about your past relationship - if they ask - answer) someone to do things with 
things that don't even cost money.  It is nice to not have that "lonely" 
feeling however it's also nice to learn about yourself and to learn to love 
yourself and learn to be alone with yourself and enjoy it.  So I would say to 
you, YES, take a couple months off and don't date - you are your own best 
friend.  But - if someone comes along that you really want to see again, then 
go ahead and date - just take it slow.

My opinion - and learning HOW to be single again....

/Colleen

     From what i gather you must have been hurt at one time or another
    to be thinking this way. I to have been thinking somewhat of the
    same thing about dating.. One good thing to help matters is friends
    who can listen and know about your feelings.
     I have recentlybeen hurt from a 4 year marriage which has caused
    alot of confusion about dating, but as they say you can't live with
    them, you can't live without them.
     when you stop dating it can bring great depression and loneliness.
     After a couple weeks of my marriage being ended i tryed to hard
    to find someone, because i was used to having that person/wife being
    apart of my life. I guess loneliness set in.. Well from trying to
    hard i got the biggest rejections one could ever get.. So i talked
    to alot of my friends and they said look, when you least expect
    it someone will walk into your life. I said No! Well they were right
    i gave up looking and one day at a friends cookout this girl came
    and sat next to me and started talking.. We talked the whole night,
    a week later we started dating. We started to get to involved with
    one another and bang !!! It ended, we both were just covering up
    our problems and be happy.. She to had just got out of a marraige
    but it wasn't settled yet.  Hurt yes, we both got hurt, It ruined
    a good frienship we could of had today.. This had just had happened
    recently and i think i'm dealing with it rather well.. If it wasn't
    for all the support from my friends i would probably just be turned
    off by ever dating.
    	My answer to stop dating.. Don't stop dating.. date more than
    one person so you don't get to attached or serious with. Your main
    objetive of dating is to go out and have fun.. Relationships/marriage
    grow on a friendship, time is the real answer for all that.. Enjoy
    being single for the time being. Everything can only work out for
    the BETTER.. Good luck Think positive!!! I do and it works.
    				Randy

	 I guess the one thing that I can say...is to not think of
	 dating as something you HAVE to do...instead, something that
	 you WANT to do... The best way to hurt yourself right now
	 would be to date because you want the companionship... You
	 can get that same companionship out of being with friends.
	 Being single is only as lonely as you want to make it... I'm
	 single...I don't think I've been on a date in I don't know
	 how many months.  It doesn't bother me, though, because I
	 know that if I am feeling lonely there are friends that I can
	 go to...and have a god time with.  When a person feels they
	 HAVE to date, it puts a lot of pressure on the other person
	 because you are relying on them to give you the good time.
	 If you WANT to date, the burden of having a good time is on both of
	 you.

	 So if you feel like you don't want to date right now then
	 DON'T!  There is nothing wrong with it...but be happy in what
	 you *DO* do...  There are so many more things is this world
	 that can make people truly happy than just having someone
	 there all the time. (But it sure would be nice ONCE in a
	 while, wouldn't it? )  :-)  :-)

	 kathy

    i do not agree with the expressions "i'm not dating now" OR with
    "i'm going to start dating now". Romance does not have a timetable.
    it just happens.  you will date again when you meet someone you
    want to date.  it is just that simple.  granted, there maybe sorrow
    over an ended relationship right now, but you can't place a timeframe
    on getting over it.  just let it happen, it will, (but i know it's
    hard).  take things as they come, naturally, don't be afraid to
    hurt.  don't be afraid of not finding what you are seeking, you
    will find it, it's only a matter of time (time? did i say that?)

    
    i agree with .9's reply.
    treat it like a cold or fever.  its not pleasant while you're going
    through it but you almost always have complete confidence that it
    is a passing thing.  And there is very little control you have on
    the amount of time.  You should just let it run its course and not
    try and control it.
    i don't particularly agree with these people giving advice that
    i basically take as saying -- take a step back and think about
    yourself, get wrapped up in yourself, get completely high on 
    yourself.  We are generally not isolated creatures.  Sure you can
    try and isolate yourself and just associate with "safe" friends
    who you know will always be supportive and comforting.  then you
    lessen the negative stimuli in your life and can get high on
    yourself but i'd say this is a false confidence which is likely
    to crumble once you start venturing out from your constructed
    safe enviroment.  In order to make true gains you must take
    true risks.  You gain nothing if you play the stock market with
    imagined money.
    so i will reiterate .9 and say let time do its job and don't
    dwell on the past.  sometimes things we view as catastrophies
    in the present turn out for the best.
    to quote the fictional philosopher Pangloss in Candide by Voltaire,
    "this is the best of all possible worlds, and therefor everything
    that happens in this world must be for the best"
    
    best of luck to you anonymous
    
    Bob

    Hi,
    
      I feel for you. I got out of a bad marriage back in 1984. My wife
    left me for a man with money after she took all mine an still is.
    
      I implore you don't give up on dating. I did. I'm almost sorry.
    I let myself go physically. I am almost always grouchy. I leave
    work at night an go home to my room,shut the door, close the curtains
    and read with the TV on. On the weekends, I rarely leave my room
    or my house. I only do social activities if it involves my children.
    My kids have just about reace the age where they don't want to be
    with me. They just want to hang out with their friends. I have no
    friends among my neighbors and coworkers, just aquaintances.
    
      I have one friend. She lives in Pennsylvania. I visit her once
    a year and she visits up here once or twice a year. I can truly
    say that she is the only person I have ever and I do mean ever loved.
    I am not physically attracted to her or anyone. Although I do notice
    nice looking women. I have not had a true date in over 15 years
    including my married years.
      
      I most emphatically do not recommend this life style for most
    people. I pretty much enjoy being a social hermit. Not everyone
    could stand themselves or be able to interact with others in a work
    environment if they behaved liked me. I get along because I enjoy
    my job and like to help other people solve their work problems where
    I can. I just have found it too difficult to deal with people in
    a social environment outside of work.
    
      So please, please, if you don't want to end up like me, then don't
    give up on dating or social interaction.
    
    
    
    
                                       Phil

		I think that there is a difference between "dating" and
	"social interaction".  One can be socially active without dating
	anyone.  Who says going out with friends isn't being social??

		Last spring I entered a note in Singles and started dating.
	After a while, I realized that it wasn't really what I wanted at
	that point in time.  I felt that I wanted to "work on" myself first,
	if you will - lose some weight, get in shape, etc.  I also found a
	terrific group of friends with whom I started spending quite a bit
	of time.  I spent the summer not dating, but having a very active
	social life.  I never felt that I was "wrapped up in myself" or
	"high on myself" - merely I was trying to improve myself and get to
	the point where I was really happy with me.  And when I met someone
	a couple months ago, I felt I was ready to date again.  I don't feel
	that my self-confidence has crumbled a bit!

		There's a note in Singles that talks about "looking" and
	"not looking".  And it seems that once you're happy with yourself,
	that's when you're most likely to meet someone.  There's a certain
	attitude projected that other people pick up on.

		Personally, I think that people need time after a breakup
	to sift through what has happened.  How much time depends on the
	person.  I don't believe that taking time out from dating necessarily
	means becoming self-centered.  But I don't think that anyone should
	cut off all social interaction (unless of course, that's what you
	really want).  I have to agree with those who have said, "do what
	you feel you really want to do".  If you don't want to date now, then
	don't.  I don't think that not dating now will mean never dating again.
	When you're ready, you'll know.
    
    	Best wishes
    
    	-Amy-    

Re: .12

	*Very* well put.

Re: .10

	I don't think anyone was advocating permanent reclusive celibacy...
	I know *I* certainly wasn't.  I just feel that if "dating" is 
	getting	to be an emotional drain, that it's doing more harm than 
	good.  There's nothing wrong with "chilling out" for a while.  

	But neither should you mope at home...as .12 suggests, go to 
	parties with friends or get involved in something you feel strongly 
	about.

.jim

    Hi Jim,
    
    
       I most definitly was not reccommending "permanent reclusive
    celabacy" for this person. I am currently pursuing this route
    and have found it would be a horible existence for most people.
    I am not most people. I am not saying that I am better than most
    people. Heavens knows I consider myself fairly subhuman. It is 
    almost like I am a reverse vampire. At work I am fine I can do
    my job and interact with the rest of my fellow workers most 
    enjoyably. After work I find it is not worth the effort to go out
    and become a part of the bar or party scene. I am not religious,
    so I don't go to church. I don't drive and haven't for over 8 yrs.
    (The state, N.H., wants $45 just for me to be allowed to apply again.
    Plus $20 to apply and retake the test. Forget it.) I won't pay 
    the outrageous money it costs to join a health club. One thing I
    do do is walk everywhere miles and miles. I enjoy the solitude.
    Anyway I guess this is enough. What I am trying to do is tell .0
    not to take it to the extreme that I have because s/he will more
    then likely regret it. I almost have.
    
    
    
                                 Phil