Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    I can feel for you as everyone knows heartach is one of the worse
    pains one can suffer. AS I read in your Intro, you have been seeing
    your SO for 1-1/2 yrs. you have been seeing counselor for 8mo. so
    it seems you had your differences, But you were both willing to
    try to work things out,Now shes gone,but she did send you a card,
    that I feel is her way of telling you she does think and care for
    you, She/he   maybe waiting for you to make the first move. Some couples
    tend to be Stuborn, by that I mean "well Im not gonna say sorry
    let him/her,If you still love tell her/him. 1-1/2 yrs. is a good
    time together,I have been seeing my girl for 7 yrs this Feb. and
    Im only 22, she took of for one year,moved in with a guy,"IT HURT"
    so I said to myself "what do you want" answer" Her", I had enough
    guts to go up to there house,While he wasnt home invite her out,
    we talked I told her how I felt,believe it or not it works.
    
                             good luck I know you will do right.
                                                   Jim
                                                                   
    

    A possible approach:
    
    If you're bothered by how you expressed yourself, apologize for
    that.  Explain that you were lashing out in hurt and you're sorry
    about it now.  It should ease your conscience.  You might also want
    to reiterate your need for no contact for n months or whatever.
    Perhaps explain that an attempt to contact you before then could
    be taken as a callous disregard for your feelings, even though it
    wasn't intended that way.

    Hi,
    
    I'm not sure if this is going to help you but as a person that was
    on the other end (the person who left) I may be able to give a 
    little insight on how she felt. 
     
    I started dating this guy right out of high school.  We we together for
    for 4 year.  After about 3 years we started thinking about marriage.
    The closer the wedding got and the more preparations I made the
    more I became very fightened.  I assumed that it was "prewedding
    jitters" but things got worse. I became distant towards him, I pulled
    away whenever he touched me and gave some lame excuse and other
    things that were totally uncalled for.  Charlie was (is) the sweetest,
    kindest person anyone would want to know.  He would of done anything
    for me and usually did.  My family and friends loved him and thought
    I was lucky.  We got along wonderfully 90% of the time.  So what
    was my problem????????  What I had to do was sit down and really 
    think about what was going on with me.  I got the chance when was 
    away on business, I spent the whole time that he was gone by myself 
    and analyzed my feelings.  I finally realized that no matter how 
    good he was when it came right down to it I wasn't IN LOVE with him.  
    I loved him as a person and luckly to this day as a friend.  
    It took all I in me had to break off the wedding and the relationship 
    but I knew I had to for both of us.  I think at the time I hurt more 
    than he did because I was afraid of losing my security, stability and 
    my friend plus I felt guilty as hell.  
    
    He used to call lot in the beginning (alot of times were at the wrong
    times - a date was waiting).  He would send letters (he is living in
    CA) and cards telling me he still loved me and hoped that we get back 
    together.  I didn't really respond to the cards and letters but on Christmas
    and his birthday I did sent a card because I did care about him and
    I wanted him to know that.  As far as the phone calls, I was always
    kind and friendly but never encouraging because I didn't want to
    lead him on.  After a course of time he finally got on with him
    life and knew I was but because I had that little bit of contact
    with him (tactfully) we have remained friends.  I credit some of
    this to him maturity and some to the communication.  
    
    Sorry I got so lengthy, it just sorta came out (typed out).
    
    I guess the point I'm trying to make is that she probably does care
    about you and wants you to know.  Hopefully you can remain friends
    (its really hard to do but it helps).  Its really hard to say anything
    like "get on with your life" because I don't know the circumstances.
    I hope my reply helped a little.  By the way, this whole experience 
    happened about 1 year ago.  Best of luck.
    
    Sandie
    
     
    for you were but 
    

	 Some times its very hard to say goodbye..even for the person
	 that is initiating it.  I've come across the same sort of
	 situation.  I had to say good-bye to someone I really cared
	 about because I finally knew there wouldn't/couldn't be any
	 future in the relationship. I loved this man very much...I
	 was not in love with him, though.  We parted under good
	 terms... I wanted to remain his friend.  Its very hard
	 sometimes right after a breakup to let completely go... sort
	 of a "withdrawal" of sorts. I do the same sort of things with
	 him...call him once in awhile and such because it was
	 important to me that he made it through this... It was
	 important to me that he knew that whatever happened he still
	 has a friend.  It was hard on him...he got very frusstrated
	 with me, but later on he appreciated the fact that I did
	 remain there for him and care about him and his well-being.
	 Its was also a way for me to get over the hurt too...I hurt
	 not only from the separation, but also because I had hurt
	 him...

	 	 
	 kathy (who_still_has_her_best_friend)

.2 has the right idea.

I'd clear my conscience by writing a follow-up letter apologizing for
the form but not for the substance.  Make it clear that hearing from
her set you back, and you'd like to "reset the timer" if that's what
you want to do.  I, personally, would reset the timer...you made the
decision to have no contact for a certain period, and that hasn't
happened yet.  I'd make *sure* I got the amount of time I needed.

You sound very vulnerable: I wouldn't change my decision now while being
only half-healed and confused.

I also agree with .1, that 8 months of counseling out of an 18-month
relationship is an interesting statistic.

.jim

    re: -all
    
    I remember reading in some joke file how it takes longer for guys
    to heal than for girls.  It said something along the lines of a
    girl will cry for a week or two and then get on with her life...a guy
    will call up a year later after a passionate evening with a Jack
    Daniels bottle and say "You hurt me, I'll hate you forever,
    you "****" (fill in what's appropriate)...but if you want to get
    back together again, let me know"
    
    Well, it sounded funnier when I read it...  ;-)
    
    On a more serious note...I don't think that she was trying to be
    malicious or insensitive to your feelings.  You lashed out because
    you felt hurt, it's a common defense technique (I use sometimes too)
    and its soothing effects last only temporarily.  I agree with .5,
    definitely write a follow-up letter. If she knows you at all, she'll
    understand why you wrote it and why it bothered (and is still
    bothering) you.  But...also realize that a small show of affection
    (a card for example) is not fatal, and does not show an intent to hurt
    or belittle someone's feelings or wishes.  On the contrary, it means
    that she still thinks of you and wants you to know that.  This should
    be viewed as a positive, not negative sign.
    
       You may want to sit down with someone and just talk about your
    feelings, your hurting, and your hopes for better things.  Even if 
    you don't receive any insights, I believe that you will feel a lot better.
    
       Best of luck and the most important thing to remember is that
    whatever you are feeling (hurt, flustered, anxious, upset, whatever)
    is normal and OK.  Things will get better.
    
       - Larry
                                                       

    
    Given the short period of time [1 1/2 years with 8 months in couceling]
    says that things may not ever have been right if you believe that
    it takes a period of time to beign to get to know someone and then
    there is that infactuation stage as well.  BUT...... I am impressed
    that both of you felt strongly enough about each other that you
    went to family counceling.  I am impressed that your were able to
    do that and equally impressed that your SO had the courage to let
    you go in the coucelors office.  Bravo to both of you.
    
    I wish it happened that way with a prior relationship.  She refused
    to go with me.
    
    Anyway.  I'll stay off of my own turf here.  I hope this helps.
    
    I believe that anger is a normal part of the breaking up realtionship
    process.  How you deal/not deal with it is whats important.  I also
    thinks its normal to feel the most anger toward the person the hurt
    you the most.  Your SO.  
    
    Many times the anger doesn't come untill many weeks, months later.
    Yeah, yeah.. I'm sure its there all along and we could psychoanalize
    that to death.  But.... the point is.  The person you felt the
    strongest emotions toward , Love, pain, hurt, anger, abandoment,
    rejections, denial, etc. etc. etc.  was no longer there to share
    it with.
    
    Although the 30 say separation [from contact] may have been a good
    idea, you were left with no one to share them with.  Yeah.. if ok
    to have friends to share that with and they are a great help.  But,
    the person you want most to share them with is not there.  So your
    anger, [normal, normal, normal]  came out in your letter.
    
    Now if you said things to hurt her may be an apology is in line.
    But don't apologize for being angry.  You have a right to feel that
    way.  Its a human quality.  
    
    So many people are afraid to express anger, because they look at
    it as a negative quality that they bury it.  Well guess what?  You
    can only bury it for so long and it eventually rears it ungle head.
    Yes its ugly... Becaause now your anger is more rage and out of
    control.  You wind up doing stupid/inconserate/resentfull/things.
    
    Geeze.  Sounds like something I did in the past!