| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 592.1 | | RATTLE::MONAHAN | | Wed Sep 28 1988 11:58 | 28 |
| It is apparent that you are very unhappy in your present marriage.
If you were happy, I don't believe the affair would have started
in the first place. And I don't think you could so easily walk
away from your husband for this other man, had you been given the
choice.
Why don't you seek professional help, work out your problems within
yourself and your marriage, and try to rekindle all those feelings
you had for this other man - with your husband?
You mentioned that you made yourself a victim. I think the REAL
victim here is your HUSBAND.
Maybe this other man decided that his marriage was far too important
to destroy and decided to end the affair in order to save his marriage.
Anyway, how long did you think this affair could last while you
both were married?
I really don't mean to be insensitive to your feelings, and I'm
sorry if it seems that way.
One more question, if you're unhappy in your present marriage, don't
you think it would be best for all involved to end it? Especially
for your husband???
Denise
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| 592.2 | Time -- sometimes a dirty word... | SSGBPM::KENAH | Overlapping chapters | Wed Sep 28 1988 11:59 | 20 |
| It takes time. I know, "F*ck you! I want the pain to stop *now*!"
Doesn't work that way. It does hurt, and you must go through the
entire process so that you may heal.
You mentioned this "drug"; if I may suggest a few books:
Is It Love or Is It Addiction?
by
Brenda Schaeffer
(Harper/Hazelden ISBN 0-06-255471-9)
How to Survive the Loss of a Love
by
Melba Colgrove, Harold H. Bloomfield & Peter McWilliams
(Bantam Books ISBN N 0-553-26243-2)
My very best wishes to you. Good luck.
andrew
|
| 592.3 | | RATTLE::MONAHAN | | Wed Sep 28 1988 12:02 | 11 |
| re: .1
Ooops!
I just read over your note again. Sorry that I assumed you were
married. My mistake......
Denise
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| 592.4 | *significant* other? | IAMOK::KOSKI | It's in the way that you use it | Wed Sep 28 1988 14:19 | 14 |
| How do you fall out of love? By loving another. I understand the
feelings you must be having over the loss of this person in your
life. I can't understand why you remain with your SO? Is it for
convenience? If you fell in love with him or another person you
would soon forget the pain of the affair. From what you wrote you
are not happy with your SO, thus the affair, thus the longing for
the "other" man.
It may be time for you look for this "unique" closeness with another
available man. You'll be suprised that it is not as unique as you
may think. It's just that the person you're calling an SO does not
make you feel this way.
Gail
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| 592.5 | | ATPS::GREENHALGE | Mouse | Wed Sep 28 1988 16:34 | 20 |
|
Gail,
I disagree that the way to fall out of love is by loving another.
Love isn't something that gets turned on and off just like that.
What about that first love and those special feelings we tend to
always have a place for relative to this first love?
Also, what of fairness? Is it really fair to the person being
substituted for the person you really wish to be with? In my opinion,
this is using another human being to help you forget your loss without
regard to what their feelings may be.
Again, fairness... Are you really being fair to yourself by *loving
another to fall out of love with someone*? I think not. Afterall,
you aren't with the one person you really wish to be with.
Just my thoughts...
Beckie
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| 592.6 | it's all part of living and growing | SALEM::SAWYER | Alien. On MY planet we reason! | Wed Sep 28 1988 17:35 | 25 |
|
if you're with someone that doesn't spark those feelings like
your other lover did then i suggest leaving this person and
hitting the dating trail...
their are 6,000,000,000 people on this planet...
about 50% are male.....that's 3,000,000,000 men....
and many of them are nice looking and intelligent and , in their
own uniqe ways, special....
how many of the 3,000,000,000 have you met?
heck, some people (must be real sickos) even think I'M special!!!
the belief that their is only one "right" person for each of us
is a myth and the sooner you start meeting and dating other men
(or women...) the sooner you'll meet some of those special guys
that will seem "right" to you....
of course, unfortunately, their is indeed pain in the loss
of a special friend or lover....but in most cases it can be overcome
and replaced with the joy of a new friend or lover...
good luck
rik
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| 592.7 | You never fall out of love | VIDEO::TAYLOR | So much CHOCOLATE! Such tight JEANS! | Thu Sep 29 1988 15:56 | 20 |
| RE: falling out of love.
Boy, that's a difficult one. I was in love (as many of you know)
and lost him in an accident in May. It was the toughest thing I
have ever had to go through (and am still going through). I know
that love will always be there, but life does go on. I have found
someone that really cares for me and I care for him. Maybe that
relationship will grow into a love like I had for Tommy, but it
will never replace that love. It will always be there.
What I am trying to say to you is that life does go on after loosing
a love. But like the others, I don't understand why you are still
in the relationship you started so long ago. You don't seem to
love the person as much as you loved the one you had the affair
with, so you must realize that there is something better. If you felt
that way about someone before, you will feel that way about someone
again.
Holly
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| 592.9 | you can do it. but it is work | TPVAX1::WHITEWAY | | Fri Sep 30 1988 09:24 | 29 |
| I agree with .5....Loving someone to diminish the feelings
of another just does not do it. After my divorse, I felt ruined.
I knew in my heart I could not ever stop loving my wife..... I found
someone to help me in my time of need. (actually both our time of
need) It did not work.
After a point I realized it was my ego (Maybe the wrong to use
but.....) that needed a boost. I sought a counselor. I went through
hell. But it was worth it..... I was able to work with my feelings.
I have to say now that there is no easy way of stopping those feelings
of love. One can not just say "No more". It does not work.... Time
goes on and we still feel..... Its been two and a half + years since
the divorse. I still love her....
But the love has changed. It does not hurt to think of her.
I does not make me sit alone and cry for hours on end. Instead I
think of her and smile becaause of what we learned together.
I am now married and never (I can really say this) have been
happier. I have learned a lot along the way, used each moment to
insure a happy and most always perfect life with my wife.
You have to realise there will always be pain. There will be
tears.... Use that to your advantage. Seek help and get your life
on track................. Then find your life..............
good luck
curt
|
| 592.10 | Falling in and out of love | IAMOK::KOSKI | It's in the way that you use it | Fri Sep 30 1988 13:46 | 22 |
| re .5 - Beckie, I agree that replacing someone is not the way to go. What
I meant in this situation is that if the person that is still with
the same SO she was with when she had the affair, she is likely not
going to forget the affair, as the SO is not fulfilling her needs.
The same void still exists in the relationship. I was thinking that
if she was involved with someone that she was really in love with,
why would she'd want to hold onto the feelings for the affair person.
re: Falling out of love
Yes, people fall out of love, I did...the divorce is final Wednesday.
I guess I have a hard time understanding why so many people don't/can't
let go of another after the break up. I see it happening up close
and personal. The person is only making themselves miserable by
not getting on with their own lives and excepting the facts. I guess
I don't understand because I could not feel that obsessive about someone
that no longer wanted me in their life.
Gail
|
| 592.11 | | SKETCH::BASSETT | Design | Wed Oct 05 1988 13:33 | 34 |
| RE .5
"...I could not feel that obsessive about someone that no longer
wanted in in their life."
Neither could I, but I went thru it. It is so easy to say and so
hard to do. I agree that you should seek help in dealing with your
feeling about loosing this wonderful man. Could you two have really
been that perfect together? If you were why didn't he leave his
wife, like you would have left you SO?
RE: 3,000,000,000 men on the earth.
How many are married? I don't think she wants to go that route
again....?
There is a book that read and re-read over again and again. It
is call "Letting Go". I am sorry I don't know the author off hand
but will write it down tonight. Very good eye opening book.
RE. Fall in love with someone else to forget.
I feel that this is a good time for you to get to know yourself
and like yourself before you fall for anyone else. Go out and date
and see what is out there. If the click isn't there -- don't waste
your time and don't be worried to say how you feel. If you have
a hard time saying what is on your mind -- don't worry this will
come in time when you really know and like yourself with who you
are.
I can empathize with the pain you are going thru (it hurts worse
than a knife in your back and I am sorry) but not for loosing
a married man.
Linda
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