Conference quark::human_relations-v1

591.0. "Human Needs" by ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI (Our common crisis) Wed Sep 28 1988 09:39

                                                                      
	Chapter 4, "Stifiling the child within" from "Healing the child
within" by Charles L. Whitfield M.D. Reprinted w/o permission.

	How do our parents, other authority figures and institutions - 
such as education, organized religion, politics, the media, and even
the helping professions - stifle or deny our Child within? How can we identify
whether *we* were affected? What factors or conditions made our parents and 
others stifle our Child?

				Some Human Needs

	In ideal circumstances, some human needs must be fulfilled so that 
our Child within can develop and grow. Drawing on authors such as Maslow 
(1962), Weil (1973), Miller (1983 84) and Glasser (1985), I compiled a 
hierarchial list of twenty factors or conditions that I call "human needs".
Nearly all are associated with our relationship with ourself and with people
around us.

	To reach our full growth potential, we apparently require most of
these needs. Growing up in an environment without these needs, we grow up 
automatically without realizing that our needs have not been met and are
not being met. We often feel confused and chronically unhappy. These are:

	1. Survival
	2. Safety
	3. Touching, skin contact
	4. Attention
	5. Mirroring
	6. Guidance
	7. Listening
	8. Being Real
	9. Participating
	10. Acceptance

		- Others are aware of, take seriously and admire the Real You
		- Freedom to be the Real You
		- Tolerance of your feelings
		- Validation
		- Respect
		- Belonging and love

	11. Opportunit to grieve losses and grow
	12. Support
	13. Loyalty and trust
	14. Accomplishment

		- Mastery
		- Creativity
		- Having a sense of completion
		- Making a contribution

	15. Altering one's state of consciousness
	16. Sexuality
	17. Enjoyment or fun
	19. Nurturing
	20. Unconditional Love


			The Unfulfilled Parent

	Rarely does anyone find a mother, other parent figure or close friend
who is even *capable* of providing or of helping us to meet all our needs -
much less one who delivers them. There is usually no such person available.
(In fact, getting pregnant and carrying a child to term is sometimes primarily
for the mothers needs.) Thus, in our recovery, we *grieve* over not having had
all our need met as infants, children and even as adults. Grieving over the
opposite, i.e., getting things that we didnt want or need, such as child 
mistreatement or abuse is also helpful. This grieving process will be 
described in chapters 11 and 12.

	Many mothers or other parent figures are mentally and emotionally
impoverished. A likely reason is that *their* needs were not met as infants,
children and/or adults. They are thus so in need that they tend to use others
in an unhealthy and inappropriate way to get those needs met. Anyone in their
immediate environment, anyone close or near to them, including infants and
children, will be unconsciously used (Miller, 1983). In order to survive,
the child who cannot develop a strong true self compensates by developing an
exaggerated false or codependant self. This is an amazing thing about infants.
They can sense that mother is needy and can eventually detect her *specific*
needs and *begin providing them for her*. Or course, this carries a major
price - the denial, stifling and stunting of the infant's own true self or
Child within.
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	I thought that this would be a useful contribution for H-R too.

	Joe Jas