|
Sounds like his mother is of the old world parenting style,
which I guess you'll have to accept. In preparation for future
encounters, it's perhaps best to learn as much as you can about
it. Knowing what to expect, you can plan how you'll handle things.
Joe
|
| Here's what I found out from getting to know and get along with my
in-laws:
1. Give it some time. You're still new to the family.
2. Try to find out something about your husband's culture from an
impartial source.
I'm Montana Lutheran, my husband is NYC Jewish, and the cultural
shock was something incredible. They shouted and argued as if
they hated each other, and interrupted like savages . . . well,
it's just a different conversational style. But if they had told
me that, I'd have assumed they were rationalizing behavior, but
fortunately I met a NYC-Jewish woman who told me about how hard it
was for her to deal with people who could only deal with one
conversational thread at a time and acted like they never cared
about what they were talking about.
So if you can find a Lithuanian who's not a friend of the family,
or read some books, you might be able to pick out what's truly
cultural and should be adjusted to, and what is personal
unpleasantness that needs to be dealt with.
3. Try to ignore the bad things [in my case, father-in-law's
intolerant liberalism, mother-in-law's telling me how to raise
the kids and conviction exercise will solve all my problems]
and look at the good things [in my case, father-in-law's
sense of humor, integrity, intellectual honesty, mother-in-
law's insight into human problems, tips on improving my serve].
4. Assume that no matter how angry she makes you and no matter
how hostile she seems to be, she's acting from good intentions.
If she acts like you're not good enough for her little boy, assume
it's because she loves him; if she quizzes you about what you're
doing in the kitchen, assume it's because she's interested.
Challenging her now is a good way to alienate her permanently;
later, when you get used to each other, you can fight about the
important issues instead of every little thing.
Besides, it may be truer than you think. Neil's parents thought I
wasn't good enough for him because they were worried about him
marrying an older woman with a kid born out of wedlock -- and they
had a point, since he was only 23 at the time. As they saw him
with me and my daughter, and realized that he was mature enough to
handle instant fatherhood, and got to know us, they gradually
accepted us. Giving them the benefit of the doubt now will
save you a lot of apologizing and bridge-building later on.
5. Sell the house and move somewhere at least an hour's drive
away.
I get along fine with my in-laws -- at a distance of 250 miles
with three or four visits a year. If we lived close enough that my
mother-in-law could see my day to day operations, she'd be on my
case constantly. She thinks I'm too strict with the kids, not a
good housekeeper, and lazy because I would rather write than swim
or play tennis or golf. The distance between us helps us minimize
the differences and makes the times together more important.
Just my two-bits' worth. Hope you might find some of this
valuable.
--bonnie
|
| Wow! Doesn't this sound familiar!!!
I could have written your entry myself, substitute Italian for
Lithuanian.
I can sympathize with you! I have to deal with this stuff on a
daily basis. I have tried everything in the book, and nothing has
worked. I wanted so badly to build a happy relationship with his
family, knowing how much they loved him and cared about his well-being.
I wanted them to be happy for us and for our good fortune in finding
each other, the way my parents are. Instead, all I get is a bunch
of crap all the time, nothing said *to* me, but a lot said *about*
me.
It hurt me for awhile when I realized that true friendship could
never be between me and his family, but I came to accept it, and
so has he. It's sort of a hot and cold thing, one day, I'm a "member
of the family," the next, nobody speaks to me. I have gotten over
it, and it really doesn't bother me anymore. I feel bad, for his
sake, but I know *I* tried my best, and have never stooped to their
level.
It's really too bad. I wish they's stop and think about what they
are doing. Someday, we'll be married. There will be weddings and
grandchildren and Christmases. It's too bad we couldn't all be
happy. My parents have been extra supportive of our relationship,
they have seen that we really love each other, and have tried to
make up for the difficulties that his parents present.
When there's nothing you can do, there's nothing you can do.
It's easy for me to say, we're moving 3000 miles away this fall
with nothing but each other. I reckon they'll be a lot easier to
handle on the opposite coast.
Stacie
|
|
I wish I could say something more comforting than observing that
this sort of thing is common. A friend of my wife is a 42 year
old Thai woman with three children by a previous marriage married
to a 26 year old native born New Hampshirite. His mother should
understand divorce (his parents are divorced), but it doesn't
help. She is continuously interfering, to the point that she has
caused a number of temporary separations: the husband "goes home
to mother" almost any time he doesn't get his own way.
On the other hand when I was courting my wife my parents were
horrified (my wife is Thai, my father reacted with all the color
and xenophobic reactions in the book. My mother with all the "is
she good enough for my little boy" routines). My wife's mother
(her father is dead) hasn't spoken to her since we told her about
the engagement (my wife is Buddhist and I'm a Lutheran - my
mother-in-law considers our civil marriage to be invalid and
sinful and is unlikely to forgive us until we go to Thailand and
marry in a Buddhist temple.)
However I can honestly say that we both have perfect in-laws: my
parents are 3000+ miles away and her mother is 12000+ miles away,
and both are leaving us to get on with things on our own...
/. Ian .\
|
| Hi,
After much anger and heartache, my in-laws have decided that they
will support us 100% and they never want to come between us or cause
us any pain.
The mother bought me a little present because she want's to make
me feel better. You can't buy love, but I appreciate her intentions.
Now that I know how they feel I need to deal with *my* anger towards
them. I can't dive into the family and be 100% warm and friendly
again......that will take time. And I really want to work on that.
Things are *definitely* looking up!
Thanks, all of you, for replying. It really helped.
Take care,
Denise
|
| YOU POOR THING!!!!!!!!! I have a mother in law that drives me B
A N A N A SSSSSSSSS. Have you tried talking to your new husband
about moving a little more out of reach? My mother in law quit
bothering us because I put her in her place a couple of times, which
wasn't easy to do. At least your husband can "relate" to your
feelings, my husband did too and told his mother everytime she made
a comment that it wasn't her decision, place to comment, etc. After
awhile she realized he didn't want/respect her opinion so she quit
with him. She pulled a stunt on me a month after we were married
(May) and I just came out and told her I didn't appreciate what
she had done, and didn't want it to happen again. So...we'll see!
Be strong.......
|