Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Note 535 on stepparenting has some useful information, including
    the phone number for Stepfamily Association of America, which I
    recommend you call.  They may have some helpful advice.
    
    				Steve

    
    	Hi,
    
    	You mentioned that you didnt know if he knew "how much"
    responsibility this will entail. Perhaps one way to get him feeling
    more comfortable would be to clarify things in this regard.
    
    	Certainly, being an active "parent" in a healthy family system
    entails the responsibility of comittment to the growth and wellness
    of _all_ the relationships within the family.
           
    	Other responsibilities he will have are for the two of you to
    decide together. 
    
    	Joe Jas

    I asked Neil if he had any advice in this situation, since he went
    through something similar -- when he and I started going out, Kat
    was 4.   This is what he says:

    "No advice that I can think of that would come from her would do a
    lot of good.  It's either something you like or don't like. 

    "My advice to a man in that situation is to be yourself with the
    kids; they will like you more for that than taking them to all the
    parks in the world. If you listen when they want to talk to you
    that is all you need to do." 

    I would add that our experience was that for both the kids' sake
    and for his sake, you make sure you're not trying to pretend he
    really is their father.   And don't even put him into a fatherly
    role relative to them until both he and they are ready.  
    
    --bonnie

    And remember, when all else is said and done, that things tend to
    turn out the way they should.  
    
    I wish you all a happy < __fill in the blank __>.  :^)
    
    Marion

    I am writing this before reading any of the replies.  Hope it
    helps......
    
    First of all, I can surely understand his fears of instant fatherhood.
    I don't think that he is imagining his responsibilities are bigger
    than they are.  He has alot of responsibility acting as stepfather.
    
    I'm going to tell you about a cousin of mine that was in the same
    situation.  
    
    When he was 22 he met an older (27), divorced lady with 2 boys.
    At the time of their marriage they were pre-teen also.  After they
    were married for 2 years they had a child of their own, a little
    girl.  
    
    Everything was fine, went "pretty" smoothly, until the boys reached
    their teenage years.  That's when everything got out of control.
    The boys would fight with their stepfather and would never listen
    to them, saying that he wasn't their father and they didn't have
    to listen to him.  (They never heard from their real father either).
    
    After things got out of control, and over a period of time, my cousin
    finally decided to leave his wife.  They were divorced immediately.
    
    What I never understood was how they let their kids control the
    relationship.  If they really loved each other, why did they allow
    the kids to do this to them?  They never went to counseling.  I
    think the kids really needed it.
    
    That was a very long story made very short but at least you got
    the picture.  
    
    One VERY important thing here:  You and your SO should definitely
    let your children know who's in charge here.  Maybe you can also
    sit down with them, by yourself, and explain how the situation is
    and tell them that they must obey this man as if he were their father.
    Counseling for all of you would be very good idea.
    
    
    I give your SO alot of credit for trying and I think you should
    too.  I also think you should let him know how you feel about the
    change in your relationship and ask hiim what he feels.  You can
    work on things from there.  
    
    I wish all of you the best of luck.........
    

    my parents were divorced when I was young (about 4).  Both of them
    remarried, and from the age of 10 until 15 I lived with my dad and
    stepmom and from 15 'till 19 with my mother and stepdad.  There
    were different things that I liked about both step parents (they
    were different personalities).  I think what I liked, and respected
    about them was the relationship they had with my *real* parent.
    My stepdad, especially, really loved my mom, and it showed.  He
    didn't have to be the boss, as mom provided most of the discipline
    and direction.  but because he was *there* for me, and because he
    was a *nice* guy (understatement!) and because he was *honest* with
    us all, and because he *loved* my mom, he became the best dad a
    young kid could have.
    
    I suspect that my case is not all that unusual.  If your *man* shows
    you the respect and care and love that my stepdad did for my mom,
    and you and he clearly understand the roles each of you have in
    each others lives and in your kids lives, then I think they (the
    kids and he) will develope a close, caring relationship.
    
    Tony Bean
    

The following reply is from the anonymous author of the base note.
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
I appreciate the input and good wishes you've given.

I called the Stepfamilies Association of America, and have made contact
with our local SAA person; it feels good to be *doing* something about
it.

We had scheduled a vacation trip with one of my kids, but at my suggestion
postponed it a couple days so we could take a mini-vacation first, just 
the two of us.  That was a great start to get things back on track, and
bring back how important we are to one another.  We've agreed to take more 
mini-vacations, so we can focus on just each other and our relationship, 
from time to time.  (I highly recommend this to *any* couple!)
I definitely do give him credit for trying, and he does make progress.  
We seem to be back on a positive track.  The time alone together was a
good start, and he has definitely made positive steps due to his own
efforts since then.  It's been interesting to see.  It isn't always easy,
but I think we'd definitely be crazy to give up.

(One thing perhaps I could clarify is that while it would be great for him
to take on the role of stepfather, all I really ask is that he accept that
I have children; I'm not trying to push instant fatherhood upon him.  He
seems to feel that "goes with the territory", so to speak.)

I'm sure we can still use some advice, but things are looking up.  Thanks
for the input so far, and please feel free to offer more words of wisdom
and experience.  I've really been impressed by the warmth and sincerity
I've seen in many instances in this conference.  Keep it up!

    
    please don't chastise me (again and again) for not reading the other
    replies....
    
    i really do work for dec and if i were to read all the replies in
    all the conferences i frequent (bad choice of words) i would not
    only NOT get any dec work done but i'd also be spending 24 hours
    a day doing nothing but reading replies....
    
    so quite often i read the base note, a few replies and then just
    post my own opinion.
    
    my own opinion: i don't believe in the brady bunch.
    	i recognize that many relationships only last for a few years.
    	i recognize that many loving relationships between s.o.'s happen
    to accidently include children from previous relationships.
    	don't play father or mother or stepfather or stepmother.
    	the child really only has one mother and one father and
    each time you end a relationship and start a new one you will only
    confuse the child and the relationship by playing "mother" or "father".
    	be a friend to the child(ren).
    	period.
    	after i got seperated/divorced back when i was 24 i had a relation-
    ship with a woman with 1 child while i had 2.
    	we played mother and father.
    	when we split 4 years later (on friendly terms) the children
    now had to go through the anguish of losing another "parent".
    	after that, each relationship i had (and they were all wonderful
    and loving) i demanded that they NOT play mother!
    	"just be friends!...set up your own relationship as you choose!"
    	i stopped looking for a mother for my kids and just concentrated
    on finding friends and lovers for myself....
    	it worked great!
    	the 2 major relationships i had after that treated my children
    like friends and there was no anguish or heartbreak when we ended
    the relationship.
    	my children (now 14 and 16) grew to realize that i was their
    father and their parent and their friend and the relationships i've
    had and will have will be friends to them....
       at first they (my daughters) asked my if i would ever get married
    again so they could have a mother....
      eventually they got the idea and became quite happy with our little
    family group and kept suggesting that i not get married as they
    were quite happy with the status quo....
    
    	ok, jim et al, it's time to turn on the flames and tell me
    how sick and crazy and perverted this whole concept is....
    

    I am also a single parent of two and have experienced similar
    situations.  I've had a lot of questions * WHY *  ??
    
    I don't think that I have all the answers - but I had to come to
    some conclusion in order to accept whatever the outcome...
    
    My feelings are very different than .6 = I agree that children need
    to know who makes the decisions.  But I disagree with a couple of
    other things stated:
    		How could they let the children do that to their
    		relationship?
                =  I don't believe that the children DID end the
    		   relationship.  If the love was there, it wouldn't have 
    		   ended as easily as it did.  Although the kids may have 
    		   been a factor in the divorce, they cannot be held 
    		   responsible.
    		He has a lot of responsibility acting as stepfather...
    		=  That was probably the problem.  SO's who enter a
    		   relationship with someone who has children is exposed
     		   to the true RESPONSIBILITY of being a parent.
                   But I have always made it quite clear that I am the
    		   parent and that they are my SO - not the childrens 
                   substitute FATHER!  No one should be expected to
    		   fulfill that role.  As someone stated - just be yourself
    		   and be their friend.  They only have one mother and
    		   one father and they all know it.
                   
    I have seen so many different ways of handling this type of situation.
    I guess I choose my way because that is what my Mom did.  Although
    she dated when I was a kid, the men in her life were informed right
    from the start of their relationship that they were not to try to
    play dad - or make decisions for me.  Now that doesn't mean that
    they had to keep their mouths closed when I was at risk of danger.
    But it did mean that if I wanted something, my mother decided if
    I got it or not.  Not her SO.  Even today, she has dated/lived with
    the same man for 18 years.  He mine as well have been my father,
    but we all knew right from the start that Mom was Mom, and he didn't
    get involved.  
    
    I don't allow men in my life to make decisions for my children or
    to take on that type of responsibility.  If they want to help, it's
    behind the scene - that way there is no conflict apparent to my
    kids.  If the person stays around long enough, the kids know that
    he loves them and they understand his role.  But that will only
    happen if the relationship does last for a period of time.
    
    One other thing that bothered me...  I consider my children's welfare
    and happiness to be as important as mine.  And that means that if
    I am in a relationship, although I am the parent/boss/decision maker,
    their feelings and role in the relationship is as important as the
    one I have with my SO.  Children should not be expected to cooperate
    with every decision their parents make - they are people too.  No
    matter how young or old, they have got to be involved in the
    relationship also.  I have seen too many single parents with attitudes
    that they will do whatever they feel like doing, and it't too bad
    if the kids don't like it.  That is a crappy attitude in my eyes.
    If that's the way they get treated, then that's the way they will
    grow up to treat others.
    
    The fear of responsiblity is too much for some people.  Anyone who
    has kids knows what I am talking about.  You no longer can live
    life like you did before parenthood.  Every choice you make is centered
    around the kids.  EVERYTHING!
    
    I mean, you can't take a shower without tending to the kids first.
    You can't run in to the store to get a candy bar without having
    to decide whether to take the time to unhook the car seat and bring
    the baby in - or just run in quickly and get right back...
    
    You can't go to the beach on the spur of the moment.  You can't
    keep plans you made arrangements for months ago - because one of
    the kids is running a fever of 102.  We as parents understand that
    now, and I know it is still scarey to me.  Some folks can't handle
    it.  So they leave.
    
    Let them, you're better off.  If they are willing to try  -  GREAT!
    Help them along.  But make it clear right from the start that nothing
    is EXPECTED of them, except that they be considerate of your requests
    and be friends.
    
    I wonder what our behavior would be if we were the SO involved with
    children?  Probably the same....