Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    No, I don't feel that I have this type of connection with my SO.
     It is a major lacking point that I am at a loss to correct.  I
    will be most interested in some of the replies to this note.
    
    Yes, I do know of one person with whom I have had such an insight
    with/to...
    
    jim
    

    
    
    Thanks for responding, Jim.  I hope we can get even more responses.
    One thing I would like to add to my original note is, is that special
    "rapport" that I'm talking about something that can be developed
    over time, or is it something that just clicks at the beginning
    of a relationship?
    I'm confused.
    
    Thanks            
    
    

    
    Good topic!  re: -1...I think that it is a combination of both
    time and something that clicks at the beginning of a relationship.
    I have this special rapport with my current SO and it's a great
    feeling!  It was there, to a point, from the time we first met.
    One of the things that attracted me to him was how easily we could
    converse.  However, it took time for me to trust enough to tell
    him certain things.  Now, after knowing each other for several
    months, I know that I could tell him anything!  The rapport is
    not one-sided either, which makes it nice, he has great insight
    into my feelings and moods.  This makes our relationship very
    special.
    
    	My

    
    I understand your question and dilemma.  My current SO and I have
    *extremely* good rapport with each other - neither of us feels that
    there is *anything* we can't talk about or share with each other.
    After almost 14 months since we met (and a *lot* of that time spent
    together), other than new issues/situations, the only "old" things
    that come up about each other are just ones that either hasn't thought
    of before or gets triggered by something else.  Don't get me wrong
    - this *doesn't* mean that we don't talk much - quite the contrary!!
    
    The first time we met, talking with each other came extremely easy,
    but the sharing of very personal things didn't come until a couple
    of months later - after we felt comfortable that neither of us would
    hurt each other nor misunderstand what was shared.  By that time,
    we had gotten to know each other well enough to know our ideas and
    feelings were similar or (almost) identical, and that we were both
    sensitive people who had been "burned" in our past relationships
    (marriages).
    
    The reasons that this can happen?  I feel *very* strongly that the
    secret to this success is communication.  Without that, the walls
    that separate two people can keep them apart.  Not just good
    communication (involving truly listening, not just talking), but
    the kind that is built up over time and as trust for each other
    builds.  Being comfortable sharing the "true you" with that
    special person is what enables a person to truly be "close" to
    another.
    
    				Joe

    
    	At the time of initially meeting someone, I always seem to *feel*
    my way there. There's always a "special something" that I somehow
    detect, (usually leading with my heart), that just seems to let all 
    the other people around dissapear... On the other hand, I never
    "force" an encounter or an introduction, if it doesnt *feel* right
    to me at the moment. This way, (at least for me) rapport is always
    good initially, and, usually gets better in time. 
    
    	However, I've learned of a very important key to maintaining
    rapport recently, it's called acceptance. Acceptance of one - as
    they are. Loving someone - as they are. I think rapport is at a
    loss when you try to cover up the "real you" with a "fake" you that
    you believe or "think" the other would like better. You can talk
    with someone - on the level - if you *know* that they have your 
    complete acceptance - and you theirs. Clearly, knowing this takes
    a little more than the verbage; "You accept me as I am? ...Yeah." 
    
    	Sharing and trusting becomes easy, when you've attained this level -
    
    	Joe Jas
    
    	

I understand very well to what you are alluding, when you write about
being with a person with whom you feel truly connected.

Over the course of my life (and marriages/relationships), I've come to
accept the need that I, myself, have of feeling that almost-instantaneous
bonding of - for want of a better word - spirit.

The feeling that, even without words being spoken between her and me,
we each *know* the other (not necessarily details of our past: that
comes through hours/days/weeks of talking) - that in an almost mystical  
way, we *are* each other.

The feeling that she and I are, indeed, kindred souls - that somehow
she and I had been wanderers on this Earth, each seeking out the other,
to fill the emptiness that had existed within our hearts and minds.

The feeling that, because I have finally found her, I am no longer
alone, lonely, frightened. That because of her, I am now complete. 

In his book, "The Bridge Across Forever", Richard Bach uses the term
'soul-mate' to describe this feeling, this need, this compulsion.

I think 'soul-mate' says it all.

  Alan 

    Re: .5  Joe 
                                         
    I have also come to that point where acceptance is an extremely
    important factor in a relationship.  I think acceptance of ones
    self and of the other person plays equally on this level.  It
    comes down to let everyone be themselves and discover the uniqueness
    in an individual personallity.  I've tried to change SO's and it
    just doesn't work.  I feel now I can relax in a relationship rather
    then fight it.
    
    Katie
    

   RE: .6 - Well put!

   This is a topic I've been thinking about a lot lately.
   
   In my life, I've only met three women where I've felt that special
   feeling of being so "in-sync" with someone.  And in each case, for
   different reasons, these friends remained just that, friends, special
   friends. 

   As for this bonding to occur over time, I don't think it works that way.
   It's either there or not.  I married knowing that that element was
   missing from the relationship, hoping it would develop over time.  Now,
   six years and one divorce later :-), although we were able to become
   closer and to understand each other better, we still can not connect with
   each other at that (spiritual?) level.  Still out of sync.  A lot of
   communication can make you understand each other better, and help to work
   through your differences, but I don't believe it could ever CAUSE two
   people to become connected in the way we're talking about.  Again, it's
   either there, or it's not.  I think that's part of what makes it so special
   and so rare, the fact that it just happens, without having to work at it.

   I'm looking forward to other's thoughts on this topic.

   Greg

    My SO and I have a very special relationship.  We have always felt
    that there is some spiritual bond between us.  We met over 4 years
    ago under very difficult circumstances (we were both attached to
    two other people).  It started out as a friendship and continued
    to grow and become what it is today.  I have tried to explain the
    feeling to some of my close friends, and all I can say is it's not
    an easy thing to explain.  Like Greg in reply .8 said, it's either 
    there, or it's not. 
    
    Rather than try to explain the "bond" we both feel, I'll just share
    something with you.  Although I always felt this way about my SO,
    I went through a period of "soul-searching" and needed time alone.
    So I moved and started a new life.  We never lost touch but there
    were plenty of people and things that could have come between us.
    After two years of being away from each other, we have come to a
    decision.  We don't want to live without each other anymore.  That
    bond between has really shone through.  We are getting married 
    July 1, 1989.  
    
    I guess what I am saying is, if it's there, don't let it go!!
    
    				Denise
    
    

    I was surprised to see that there are more noters that have
    a good relationship than bad.  I can't say I have a good one but
    I have a comfortable one.  If I were to do it over again I would
    have broken it off in the beginning, but...I stuck around for 3
    more years.  We never talk, share intimate things or understand
    eachother (what I love dearly, he could care less about).  I guess
    I have just accepted this - not that I have to but like I said it
    is comfortable.  If Mr_Wonderful comes around...I am gone. 

    RE .0  Don't make this same mistake.
    

    re. 10
    
    That is exactly where I am confused.  The man I'm involved with
    treats me unbelievably well, we do share things, I feel I could
    talk to him about *almost* anything.  Its only been about 4 months
    since I met him but he is being so patient and understanding with me.
    He is falling in love a lot quicker than I am.  I have kept distance
    between us and little by little the distance gets smaller.  I feel
    that I have struck gold.  BUT, there is that connection missing.
    When I compare the connection I have with this man to the man that
    I did feel "connected" with, it does seem a lot different.  
              
    I dont know if, as time goes on, I am finding that rapport with
    him or if I'm just getting comfortable with him.  I couldnt stick
    around if he didnt treat me so well and we didnt share things. I
    feel that if I let go of him, I'd definately be the one at loss.
                                 
    Thank you all for your replies. I, too, am surprised that there arent
    more people involved in relationships where the connection doesnt
    exist. I'm sincerely happy for those of you who are -  you do realize
    what a wonderful and rare thing you have.
                        
    Diane
    

    I have known Debra for 2 1/2 years and NEVER have I felt the bonding
    that the 2 of us have with anybody. I heard of soul-mates through
    Debra and I believe that is what I have here. We have a TON of
    non-verbal communication that goes on. We just know what the
    other is thinking. I even told her the other day that I was
    dreaming her dreams the previous night.
    
    It is special and I don't believe that a person gets a second shot
    at meeting someone like that again (sorry for the negative...),
    the bonding and closeness. This is special for me and I love her
    very much. Debra - my wife, my best friend, partner in life, she
    is IT!!!!
    
    If that special spark isn't there, maybe you should try to define
    what it was that was so special with the other person and find out
    what is missing with your current. What Deb and I have is probably
    different from any other spark that others may have....I have it
    and I want to keep it. 
    
    Like I said when we got married last year to the minister after
    the vows were said I said, "SHE'S MINE!!!! ;-)" BTW - it was a private 
    ceremony and we told no one until afterwards! It made it all the
    more special that way, an intimate wedding in Breckenridge, CO.
    (BTW - i am HERS too! :-)
    
    Chuck

RE: .8, & .9

	I have to disagree with you. I think this "bonding" can be 
developed over a period of time. 
	
	It may not exist initially for some, but then we're not all
the same (fortunately) and for some it is different. 

	I met someone three years ago at a party and there was zip
between us, she thought I had an attitude and I thought she was a 
snob, we re-met two years later and today we're making plans to live
together. The relationship couldn't be better, it is one of the best
I've ever had. I do feel this connection that I haven't felt in the 
past with anyone, but it did not exist three years ago when we first 
met. Incidentally, we were both single then as we were when we re-met 
last year. It didn't have anything to do with either of us being att-
ached and therefore unavailable and unattractive to the other. The
time just wasn't right.. perhaps it was the place, I don't know.. 

	We too read one anothers minds, and communicate a lot non-
verbally.. it is a level of intimacy that I have not known in the 
past. Instinctively we read one anothers minds, body language and
mood(s). I feel this could be it for life.. Yeah.....! ;-) 

							-Thomas 

    
    	On _no_second_chances_, dont believe that. It's not like there's
    only *one* person in the whole universe that you can feel this way
    with and if you messed it up you've blown it "forever". Keep an open 
    mind - it's one of the hardest things to do - especially if you
    "figure" ya blew it with Sam 2 years ago and you'll never find another 
    "like him"...
    
    	Half of feeling right about meeting someone new is how *you* feel;
    if your not open to the possibility, you'll shut down any communication
    no matter what the wavelength it's happening on. I know - cause half
    the time when things dont click in this way when they *could*, - it's me!
    Sometimes the ol braino is just too wrapped up in it's own relentless
    garbage_processing to issue anything but "Remote node currently
    unreachable" as a response to, say, an inquiring glance from a very
    admired individual. Garbage like "OH woe is me - I'll never meet
    anyone like so an so ever again" or "Since *I* blew it last time, I
    might as well not even try, I'm no good anyway or I wouldnt have blown 
    it before" or some other negative predisposition.
    
    	See, out of 4 possible states, there is only one which might
    "click" - which may *suggest* something of it's rarity of occurance. 
    
    		You		Other Person
                                                     
    	1.    Open	      Open
    	2.    Closed          Open
    	3.    Open            Closed
        4.    Closed	      Closed
            
    	Joe Jas

I've been married to Barbara for 2 years, but we've known each
other for 3� years (that says 3.5 in case your terminal can't show the
one-half character correctly)

Unfortunately, our "rapport" has gotten worse, so we're working on it.

I find myself wanting to talk more to people that have been married for
a long time (oh, ten years, twenty years, or more), and see if they're
marriage got bad then good, or got good then bad then good, and how
they handled the rough stuff.

In previous relationships, I've found that during those magical first
few weeks or months, it's often easy for me to feel that everything's
really clicking, soul mates, share dreams, share breaths, really
connected etc.  But as relationship gets longer, that's when it
seems harder to experience that wonderfulness.  (In the past, that's
when I'd move on to the next one)

So, I'm interested in hearing, of you marrieds and SO's that say you
"really connect" to your partner, how long has it been?  Real long
for any of you (like years?).  Was it bad ?  How did you work it out ?

/Eric

A Rapport can be developed over time.  I have a relationship with a very special
woman, that has developed very much over time.  I now have a real feeling of
*****specialness***** of our relationship; even though I believe every person
and every relationship is special, this relationship to me is an order of
magnitude more special.

Yet, despite the specialness of our relationship, there are fundamental
differences between us that seem unsurmountable, such as children, life styles,
materialism.  So, yes, there is definitely something "missing".  But I cannot
bear to part with the specialness of our relationship.  On a couple of occasions
we have decided to end our bond, but have been unable to carry it out that
decision.

So, how can I either 'settle' for less, and 'live with' these differences, or
part with this specialness in my life?  The differences make it impossible to
live together, so how can a marriage of any type work, and I cannot 'throw away'
someone that I value very much either.

Jim.

    RE: .13
   	
>RE: .8, & .9

>	I have to disagree with you. I think this "bonding" can be 
>developed over a period of time. 

   I believe that there could be absolutely nothing between two people
   today, and the same two people can *have* this type of soul mate
   relationship when their paths cross again in the future.  This, I think
   can happen because both people will have changed over time, and when
   meeting the next time, these two different (than before) people "click"
   with each other, and then the relationship can develop as soul mates. 

   What I was trying to get across in .8 is that if two people do not feel
   this bond in the beginning, then communication is not going to cause this
   bonding to occur.  If it does occur later in a relationship, I believe
   it's because both people have changed, and have become more "in-sync"
   with each other, just as two people who have always had this type of 
   relationship, can change over time and become out of sync.

   Greg
   

    I'm also starting to form the opinion that if there are "sparks"
    and instant bonding when two people first meet, that the odds are
    good that the relationship will burn out quickly.  My experience is
    showing that if you start out fast, you tend not to take the time
    to build a solid base for the relationship that will stand the test
    of time (and the bad times that inevitably come along with the good).
    
    I don't think there's one perfect soulmate for each of us - I believe
    that there are many possible soulmates.  You just have to keep
    looking until you find one.
    
    					Steve

    I can really relate to -.1.  The two times I can remember where I
    though "this is the person I could marry" were wildly intense.  For
    about a month.  The intenseness dropped off pretty quick, and what
    remained was quite a letdown. But they were fun months, and in
    retrospect I still wouldn't haven't wanted any type of permanent
    relationship with either of them.

    
    Sparks and instant bonding       = no relationship
    
    No sparks and no instant bonding = no relationship
    
    What then? Another superfluous human...
    

        I've known Selma for about 18� years now, and in just a little
        more than a month we'll have our 15th anniversary. I love her
        more than life itself, and we are very happy together. Still, I
        don't feel that I really *know* her. In many ways we're both
        very quiet people, perhaps she a little more so than me. There
        are depths to her and nooks an crannies I've never seen. Every
        day I know her a little bit more. Maybe by our 40th or 50th
        anniversary I'll really know her.
        
        I've known a lot of people who thought they knew their spouses
        perfectly, or who said they were perfectly matched. My
        experience is that most of them became complacent, assumed that
        they knew each other so perfectly that they didn't need to learn
        more, and then one day found that they didn't know each oter at
        all. The really successful marriages I've known have had their
        ups and downs, with serious misunderstandings that were
        recognized and through effort overcome. 
        
        In many ways, a lot of the people I've known who divorced have
        had fewer problems than Selma and I have, at least on the
        surface. My feeling is that problems that are seen and
        recognized can be fixed, but ones that are hidden just fester.
        It also seems to me that many people have such idealized images
        of how life ought to be that they can't bear the small failures
        and flaws that are inevitable.
        
        Someone asked if good marriages get good than bad then good
        again or what. My experience is that they do, that people have
        to learn to live together, have to constantly get to know each
        other better, have to work to get over difficulties. You hear a
        lot of people say that their marriages "just drifted apart" or
        that they they "changed". Everyone changes over time. If you
        don't make an effort to go the same ways, if you just trust to
        the unspoken bonds, you will grow apart.
        
        As you grow, you have to make the effort to grow towards each
        other. If you think your relationship can't be any closer you
        won't make the effort to get any closer, and almost inevitably
        you will get further apart. If your perfect relationship
        develops even a small flaw, the sudden "lack of perfection" can
        become a crisis, when if you expect and accept problems, the
        flaw itself might very well be quite small. 
        
        Me, I prefer my occasionally troublesome relationship with a
        woman so complex and mysterious that I'll never know her
        completely, but who is fun and exciting to explore and to get to
        know. I'll take a love that can grow constantly over time over
        one so perfect that any change would be for the worse. I love
        the challenge of the unknown and the the stability that is based
        on having spent more than half my life so far getting to know
        one person. After 18 years of ups and down, better and worse,
        richer and poorer, I feel safe in saying that we can sustain the
        effort for another 40 or 50 years, and that it's easily worth
        that effort. 
        
        Just my thoughts.
        
        JimB.

    Everyon, whether they want to or not, has been in love or felt a
    special bonding between themselves and one person down the line.
     As you get older you realize this more than in the younger years
    (high school college range).  The feeling is strange, I know I feel
    it all too well.
    
    David and I met swearing we were confirmed bachelor/bacheloretee
    not looking for a committment from each other.  The more that we
    got to know each other the more tight our bond became.  It is such
    a feeling to know that you can relate to and talk to someone who
    actually understands you and your feelings.
    
    There is almost a magic of sorts by possessing this type of
    relationship, many people throw it away as infatuation or a quick
    fling but it is more special that that. There will always be a bit
    or part of his/her life that you may not know about but that's okay
    too, we all have things the other person in our life does not know
    about.
    
    Enjoy your relationship, it is as special as a shooting star.
    
    Debbi

    re: .21
    
    Jim, I know what you mean. I feel like as time goes on for Deb and
    I, I learn more about her and our relationship. People who grow
    apart seem to reject change in their partner. People will change
    and if change can not be accept then they will grow apart.
    
    We have tried to break apart in the past and we never have been
    able to. We have both felt that we had had enough but we have stayed
    together. I wouldn't have it any other way. We have bad times and
    we have good times. All in all I wouldn't want to live my life without
    Deb. In 1 or 20 or 50 years I will change more and so will she and
    all the time it will be worth the happiness and pain.
    
    That is why I married her, I didn't marry a stone statue that never
    changes with time, I married a wonderful woman who will change and
    continue to bloom with time.
    
    Like I said before, she is my best friend AND my wife. 
    
    Chuck

    
    I have heard quite a few of you say that you've broken up but just
    cant stay apart and then end up getting back together, my question
    there is, how do you know that it is not just a sense of "security"
    that keeps people together.  I've known a few couples that stay
    together only because they're used to eachother and they are afraid
    to find someone else because its more "comfortable" where they are.
    I find myself slipping into that situation and I dont like it. 
    I dont want to stay with someone because its seems harder work to be happy
    (finding someone that your happier with) than it is to be unhappy
    (settling for the other person).
    
    Diane
    
                                                       

    During my high school years I was madly in love with a guy.  We
    were going to spend the rest of our lives together.  Bad times came
    around so he left.
    
    For ten years I was married to and in love with another guy.  We
    were going to spend the rest of our lives together.  Bad times came
    around so he left.
    
    Now I am seeing another wonderful guy.  He wants to spend the rest
    or our lives together.  First, I'm going to put him through the
    mill...
    
    
    
    						jean
    

    RE: .23
    
    You said it beautifully.  Change is something that will always 
    happen naturally.  No one can stop it, it's just the way life
    works and it's important to realize that it is a good thing
    not a bad thing.
    
    Both people in the relationship have to accept changes and look
    at it as a chance for both of them and the relationship to grow.
    Carl and I have been through some MAJOR changes in our life but
    we have looked at those changes as a chance to grow together.  
    It can work!  I know what it's like to be in a relationship
    where the slightest variation of the norm seems to create a major
    panic.  It doesn't have to be that way.  
    
    Part of keeping a relationship exciting and interesting, is to 
    learn to go with the flow.  Take advantage of everything new
    the two of you experience.  Keep the communication lines as wide
    open as possible.  Don't be afraid of the changes!
    
    Denise
    

    
    Follow your heart, it won't lie to you.  There is sucha thing as
    a perfect love...
    
    Don't shoot down a chance to find out what it is like to be in love.
     Life is to damn short.

    
    re.27...Thanks.  Hopefully I've seen the pattern in the type of
    person I was attracted to and what kind of relationship I was looking
    for.  Unfortunately, my ex-husband is still on the merry-go-round.
    He re-married for the 3rd time in March.
    
    We all make mistakes, it's just that some people make them over
    and over and never learn from them.  I'm trying to learn from mine
    to benifit future (now current) relationship.
    
    
    jean
    
    
    
    

    Re: .30, .31
    
    Really?  Sorry, I take relationships a bit more seriously than that.
    Doesn't anyone know the meaning of the words "trust" and "commitment"
    anymore?
    
    Let's suppose that you're in a relationship and you have both agreed
    that it is to be exclusive.  You go off on a business trip, or
    a vacation without your SO.  While away, is it ok for you to 'love'
    someone who happens to be around that you are attracted to?  What does
    this say about your commitment to the relationship?  What does this
    say about the trust your SO has in you?  Not much, I'd wager...
    
    Maybe I'm an anachronism, but I don't believe in betraying a loved
    one's trust just because she can't be with me now and someone who
    is willing is.  Without trust, there is no love.
    
    
    					Steve

    Re: .28
    
    > Follow your heart, it won't lie to you.  There is sucha thing as
    > a perfect love...
    
    > Don't shoot down a chance to find out what it is like to be in love.
    > Life is to damn short.
    
    I wish that were really true.  Unfortunately, you can also follow your
    heart and end up getting really burned.  Each time it happens to me it
    takes me longer to get back to the place where I'm trusting enough to
    open my heart again.  The time needed to heal is also wasted time that
    would not have been lost if I had not trusted as much. It's happened
    enough times to me that I am starting to believe that no another out
    come is possible. 
    
    I need notes like this one to remind me that that might not be the
    case.
    
    						MJC O->

               

RE: .32

"Really?  Sorry, I take relationships a bit more seriously than that. Doesn't
anyone know the meaning of the words "trust" and "commitment" anymore? 

...

Maybe I'm an anachronism, but I don't believe in betraying a loved one's trust
just because she can't be with me now and someone who is willing is.  Without
trust, there is no love."

Hold your horses...  Don't you think it depends on your definition of "love"?
My definition is certainly not "sex".

Why do you believe that loving more then one person is automatically betrayal?
Do you love only one person?  Why do you think loving more then one has to be
betrayal? 

    Re: .34
    
    I agree it's possible to love more than one person, but that kind of
    "love" doesn't seem to be relevant to the song lyric quoted, at least
    that's how I think most people would interpret it.  I still have a hard
    time thinking of love as a matter of convenience.
    
    				Steve

    Re: .36
    
    Your situation is different, and I think you have the right attitude.
    I loved my wife for nine years of marriage plus some years before
    that.  She's no longer my wife, and I have gone on with life.  I've
    been seriously in love at least twice since then, but those
    relationships are gone too.  I keep looking.
    
    My reaction to the song was perhaps a bit heated because of a painful
    situation in the recent past.  I still think that a lot of people
    have the mindset that it's ok to have a "fling" when your SO is far
    away - I can't understand that.  My comments were only relevant to
    a current, committed relationship.
    
    I don't equate love and sex.   But I think a lot of people who hear
    that song would do so.
    
    I'm sorry I spoke up - it's only serving to dredge up
    recently-submerged pain...
    					Steve

Steve Lionel says back there that he can't agree with an interpretation
of "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with" that
says "have sex with the one you're with".

To me, it depends on the relationship.  In my marriage, I've been
grappling with this very issue.

I agree that one shouldn't have a secret fling.  However, if one is
in a relationship, and one happens to be away on a business trip,
and one hooks up with someone attractive, and one feels strongly
enough about it to have sex with the new person, then there's
something going on here!

Other people might go on a business trip, feel an attraction, but NOT
feel moved to jump in bed with the new person.

To me, it's more a reflection of the relationship than about "trust"
or "committment" per se.

In the relationship in which one feels moved to make love with the
new person, there's something that's ALREADY been difficult or
unfulfilling in the SO relationship.  Otherwise, the person wouldn't
be tempted by the new person to the point of sleeping together.

We can't look at the affair as a sudden problem in the relationship.
It's a symptom of an existing problem already.

Now out of trust and committment, one may want to admit quickly to their
SO what they did.  But to knock oneself blue and avoid the new person
when you have the hots just to honor "committment" might be as detrimental
as carrying on.  It leads to further frustration.

We can discuss this more if you like...

/Eric

    
    .33
    
    Those kinds of fairy tales do occur, mainly to the young,
    the cute, the innocent. 
    
    For the great unwashed, its best to be realistic. No one
    comes knocking, bearing gifts, without some sort of string
    attached. 
    
    Avoid pain and dissapointment; keep your distance.

    IF YOU KNOW WHAT THAT "SPARK/SOUL-MATING" FEELS LIKE, THEN HOW
    COULD YOU EVER SETTLE FOR LESS?
    
    I WAITED AND WAITED FOR THAT 'SOMETHING' TO HAPPEN IN MY LAST
    RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE THE GUY HAD EVERY OTHER QUALITY THAT WAS
    SPECIAL, ALL IT DID WAS GET ME DEEPER AND DEEPER AND HURT HIM
    BADLY.
    
    IT'S THERE OR IT'S NOT.  YOU BOTH WILL BE HURT IF YOU THINK YOU
    CAN 'SETTLE' FOR HIM.