Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    I have never had anything like this happen to me, so I can't offer
    any first-hand experience.  But I would suggest that you seek out
    group activities where you can meet people and feel comfortable and
    safe.  Don't try pushing yourself into relationships if you aren't
    ready for them.  But be aware that there are many caring people out
    there who are ready to give you support and love if you will allow
    them to do so.
    
    				Steve

    
    re:  .0
    
    A similar thing happened to me (except that I didn't get away from
    him in the struggle).  My reaction was perhaps not as strong as yours, 
    but time does fade the memory of pain.  I am fully recovered now.
    Only a few of my closest friends knew what I was going thru.  I
    remember thinking at the time that they were not as supportive of
    me as I figured they should have been.  It wasn't until years later
    I realized that it stands to reason that my friends went "wierd"
    on me.  What I (and you) went thru was very traumatic.  It caused
    me to "pull away" from all people.  That in turn caused my friends to
    "pull away" from me.  That "mutual pulling away" is a dynamic of
    all human relations.  The fact that a traumatic experience was the
    cause of it doesn't change the dynamic.  When I was ready to
    re-establish relationships with other earthlings [:^)] I figured
    it this way:  life has a funny(?) way of separating the "good" friends
    from the "not quite as good" friends.  I didn't go out of my way
    to re-connect with friends that I lost, but I also didn't avoid them.
    Instead, I decided to re-connect with *life* - not my old life and
    not a new life - just the part of the old life I felt comfortable
    with and new things that went along with the changes in me.  I started 
    doing some of the social things I used to do - not all of them, and
    not all at once.  As a result I started to slowly come in contact with old
    friends.  Some of them responded.  Some didn't.  I also started
    to do a few new things ( took an art class ) and came into contact
    with people I didn't know "before".  This seemed to help because
    I didn't wonder if they were judging the "before" me and the "after"
    me.  
    
    After you become more active is social situations, and become
    interested in some new recreations, the fear will deminish.  Be
    kind to your self and don't underplay your trauma.  It is real and
    you should take it in to account when planning new activities. 
    For example, I chose to take an art class because I was afraid to
    go to my car alone at night.  I figured that a class gets out at
    a specific time and I'd have no problem walking to the parking lot
    with somebody after class.  I also figured that it would be less
    "painfull" to strike up a conversation with somebody in a student
    context.  Take all the time you need to come out of your shell,
    but remember that Spring is a time for rebirth.  Why not try to
    come into full bloom with the rest of the world!
    
    Best of luck.
    
    Marion
                                                    

An incident like that certainly would knock my perception of reality cockeyed! I
would say that you should congratulate yourself for doing very well in how far
you have come! 

It might be helpfull for you to decide what it is that you know, or want
to know from this situation.

You could decide to see yourself as a powerless victim, or you could decide to
think of yourself as someone who has the power to refuse to be victimized.  You
fought off one attack; let that give you confidence in yourself, rather then
fear.

Instead of tiptoeing through life being afraid of shadows, walk confidently with
you taking precautions to assure your saftey.  Take a frim grip on your reality,
both around you, and in your own mind.  Instead of fearing that someone is
hiding in the shadows, look in the shadow, see, and decide, and take action
based on your decision. 

I can imagine what your 'paranoia' might be like...  

I would do as Steve suggests, and not put myself in situations where I had to be
afraid.  I would not cease to take chances, but merely choose the chances I am
going to take, and approach them confidently.  Gradually, as your experience of
normal life reestablishes itself in your mind, your reality will get better, and
life will be easier. 

It is important to remember that you being attacked was not your fault. The
indifference of the people in the store is not your fault. The police's attitude
towards you does not make it your fault. Base your opinion of yourself on
yourself and objective reality, rather then on other people's subjective
realities.

See for yourself that 'you were attacked',' you defended yourself', rather then
what other people percieve and assume without knowledge of what happened, 'it
was your fault', 'what's she so upset about?', 'dumb woman...'.  They were not
there; *you* were; you know what happened, they don't.

I am not sure that the best thing that you can do would be to forget it. Most
people I suspect would forget it, suppress it.  But things suppressed tend to
come back and haunt us later in strange ways.  Use the event of the attack to
overcome your fear of being attacked, not make your fear stronger.  Realize to
yourself that yes you have seen a part of how bad reality can be, and you have
overcome it, and that you do not want your reality to be that of being attacked,
being in fear of being attacked, being in fear of not being able to stand up for
yourself if attacked. 

As for keeping it to yourself... why?  Is this part of shame of being attacked?
There is no shame in being attacked!  I think it might be best to share what has
happened with those that you can trust, one at a time, so that they know what
has happened, and can support and reassure you.  I know that it might be tough
to trust anyone right now, but take it one person at a time. 

When you feel up to it, I would try to contact the people you have had to drop
from your life, and see if you and they have any desire to reestablish a
relationship. 

You might consider getting a pet, a dog or a cat to keep you company, and
'guard' with you.

You said that you bought a gun, and that you "gave" it away.  I assume that you
didn't "give" it away literally.  That gun, if it is registered to you could end
up in the hands of a criminal, and make life complicated at some point in the
future.

Group events, where there are a lot of people around who know you might be less
threatening couple events where you are with one person, and the rest of the
people are pretty anonamous, might be less threatening.  I can always recommend
the Folk Dancing in Concord. :-) 

Please don't take any of this as a criticism of you.  It is certainly not meant
as such.  There is nothing that you or anyone else should criticize yourself
about.

Jim Baranski 

    Someone who can be soft and gentle with you will be the best healer.

                                                     
    	Re .0 -	
    
    	One thing you might try is establishing what I'll now coin as
    a net_relationship with someone. Look around through the medium
    of the notes conferences. There really are some sweet people out
    there and you can tell by the things they say. (Well, there's the
    sour kind too - but thats not my point) Many have the time to give 
    to correspondance, or a 'pen pal' relationship and would love to do 
    so with you! 
    
    	What this does is allow you to have a relationship without any
    of the "problems" you say you have in actually meeting and physically
    being with another person. You dont really "see" them; you dont
    even know what they "look" like. So what? What you do find is what's
    *really* important anyway; how a another person thinks about things.
    This can go as far as you let it - can even lead right to feelings of love!
    Only "characters on a screen" you say? Haha! Try with someone "here",
    use a little imagination and see what happens :') 
    
    	You want to have those kinds of feelings again, I'm sure. Here's
    an easier, softer place to start - right at you fingertips!
    
    	Joe Jas 
                                                                   

    I would be cautious about network relationships - you tend to let
    down your defenses very quickly and it is just as easy if not easier
    to get hurt this way.  If you can keep things on a friendly basis,
    that helps, but I would say that "hiding" behind the relative
    protection of the network is not a way back towards the light.
    
    				Steve

.5 Joe  (ditto)


I couln't agree with you more. 

I was attacked also years ago, and am still quite shy when I first meet
someone.  But, talking on the net has helped me get over this initial 
what to say after "hello". I have met some real wonderful people in the
past year, and hope to continue with my 'net' relationships.

try it, it is your *choice* to do whatever you want as how far to take
it. Best of all its FUN.

    re .0
    
    I'm sorry that happened to you.  It is a horrible thing.  I can
    understand how that sort of incident would make you suspicious of
    everybody you meet, especially if you didn't used to be very suspicious
    of people.
    
    While my experience(s) were different from yours, one of the most
    horrible aspects of it all was the _shock_.  I did not expect someone
    to do that to me with no provocation.  Why on earth should they
    hurt me when I have done nothing to hurt them?  I think that is
    one of the reasons I felt it was my fault: I must have done
    _something_, right?
    
    Wrong.  I did nothing to make anyone want to hurt me.  You did nothing
    to make "your" attacker want to hurt you.  What he did was evil,
    plain and simple.  There is no reason behind evil.
    
    As far as getting over it is concerned, all I can say is that you
    shouldn't be too tough on yourself.  If you can't talk about it
    now, then don't talk about it.  When you need to talk, you will.
    
    If you think you "should" be brave and get rid of your fear, okedoke,
    then work on it.  But if you simply can't do it right now, if it's
    too much, then it's too much and stop pushing yourself.  When you
    are ABLE to deal with it, you will.
    
    Personally, I acted out for a while, walked around with a huge chip
    on my shoulder and a lot of anger.  I stopped doing that after a
    few months.  The acting out let me express my fury and outrage at
    the world at large.  I got tired of being mad, so I pushed it away
    and tried to forget it, to go on with my life, started dating someone
    new, pretending like that never happened, like I was the same old
    me.
    
    Ignoring it worked, at least for a while.  But I was not the same
    old me, so I had to pull the thing off the emotional shelf and start
    trying to heal again.  
    
    I've gone through a lot of work_on_it/pretend_it_never_happened
    cycles.  Each time I pull it out and work on it, it gets a little
    easier.  Every time I start ignoring it again, all I feel is relief.
    
    Some of my friends have understood my cycles, the times (months
    at a time) when I don't want to see anybody.  They love me still,
    and seem to be happy to be together when we can.  Others have been
    dreadfully hurt by my prolonged absences and have withdrawn from
    me altogether.
    
    My life changed.  It takes a loooong time for that change to settle
    down.  It has been 2� years now.  I'm doing better, but there's
    a lot left to do.
    
    If you need to write/talk about it, please feel free to contact
    me.
    
    COLORS::WOMANNOTES has a lot of stuff on this subject.  Note 500
    has a directory of the (large conference), Rape, Date Rape, Violence,
    Attacks, Self-defense, Recovery, Self-empowerment (ie. how to deal
    with being a victim, how to change it), and Anger are some general 
    topics covered extensively.  
    
    Lee

       RE: .6
       
       	I have to agree with Steve..  Net relationships, if kept to
       	JUST a friendship level with the opposite sex are and can
       	be just wonderful.  Where you have to be careful and keep
       	things in perspective is when you start becoming attached
       	with this person.. At that point, Net relationships can be
       	difficult because they are so different. "Gee, he/she got
       	my mail 5 minutes ago, why no answer???" is a good example.
       	Insecurities come out quicker.  It's so easy to type what
       	you feel that sometimes the relationship goes faster
       	than if it was all face to face..
       
       	Don't get me wrong, they aren't bad! Just different in SO
       	many ways.. You have to prepare yourself and just keep your
       	eyes open and keep things in perspective...
       
       						mike

    My mother cut this article out of a magazine.  I don't know which
    one but it was written by Pamela Guthrie.  The do's and don't's
    of Parking lot safety.
    
    DON'T display large sums of cash while in a parking lot.
    DON'T overload yourself with bags.
    DON'T walk through a parking lot alone -- especially at night.
    DON'T park on the perimeter of the parking lot.  Also, stay away
    	  from decorative shrubbery, which can provide a good hiding
    	  place for a criminal.
    DON'T let a stranger inside your car for any reason.  If someone
    	  tells you something's wrong with your car, go back to the
    	  mall and inform security.  Or, from inside the mall, call
    	  a tow truck or police if you're really suspicious. 

    DO report any crime that happens to you.
    DO park in well_lighted areas, directly under a light if possible.
    DO lock you door immediately after you get into your car.
    DO put all bags and packages in your car trunk.  Never leave anything
       of value exposed inside your car.
    DO park as close as possible to the entrance of the building.  But
       be aware of your surroundings.  For example, if you see people sitting
       in a car next to the spot where you planned to park or if someone's
       loitering in the area, park elsewhere.
    DO lock you car door after you park.
    DO be alert when walking through a parking lot.  Stand tall and
       walk purposefully to communicate the message that you're confident.
    DO walk to a populated place (stores, an office building) if you
       think someone's following you.
    DO ask a security guard or police officer to walk you to your car
       if you feel uncomforable to see someone suspicious.
    DO have your keys out and ready when you return to your car.  Check
       the back and front seats and the floor of the car before getting
       in.